Thanks to everyone who
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Brynn
Chapter 2: Hagane no
It doesn't happen often to me that I cry. I thought that I've cried all my tears back then, trying to get over the ensemble cruelty of the world but… it's so different when you're actually there. When it is someone you know.
I cry now; there are tears in my eyes, and I cry and I'm so disgusted with myself, because I coud have killed him. I wanted to kill him, I… I didn't because… I don't even know why. I just know that I didn't kill him. I should have. I really… Nina.
I want to retch.
I don't. I… what? Why? I'm flooded with questions, but there are no answers, just a numb emptiness and incomprehension. How could someone hurt a sweet kid like you? There were no flower petals, no good-luck charm, just a circle, a flash of light and…
I'm staring at my hands. Alchemist's hands. Right now I hate Alchemy.
Alphonse shouldn't have seen that.
He took it better than I did, but… I'm not sure he really understands. That he can comprehend. I'd like to think that he can not.
"It's a useless effort."
I hate how he sounds so cool so… so… nauseatingly indifferent. I hate… hate… no, I don't hate. Actually… I don't know. I don't know what to think about him. He's trying something. I cannot think. Right now, I'm too sick to figure out what I otherwise would notice just by looking. He knows. He abuses it.
"It is impossible to rebuild a life form that has completely lost its life."
I know! I know better than anyone! Do you have to rub it in, you stinking-
"No matter how good an Alchemist you are."
I gulp. Is that what I've just tried – Yes, it is. Good thing that there wasn't more… more left. I would have done it again. I can't. I could but I can't. There is no God. I knew it, but this makes it crystal-clear.
"Who will become happy after reviving a defective chimera?"
I know. I know it's better for her like this, but what about me? What about Al? I don't care about principles all that much. I don't want Al to hurt. He does. Look at him, you jerk. Fuck me, Al is the one who needs to be ripped out of this nightmare.
"There will be much harsher things down the path you two chose. You must accept this, even if you have to force yourself to, and move on."
I know that, but Al doesn't. What gives you the right to tell him this?
"Accept this!"
He's going to hit me?
I'm crouching, weary from fear and grief and nausea and hunger and fight and from staying up all night; I'm not strong enough to stand up against him now. But he only holds my wrist and looks into my face.
"You have some goal you wish to accomplish, right? Do you have time to stand around idle?"
I don't know how but I'm standing straight. On my own. My face regains the most calm indifference I've known in all my life and I feel hollow. Hollow and powerful. Like I could crush anything. Kill. Slaughter. I could slay Mustang right now. Easily. He wouldn't know what hit him – he certainly woudn't have time to snap.
I don't do it. I'm not the killing sort. But the realisation that I can makes me frown and then inwardly laugh. I know there's the slightly insane glint in my eyes but, oh yes, this is the path that I chose.
"The rest is the Investigation Department's job. Get out of the way."
I will. You can bet I will. Hughes can have the entire blotch of blood all for himself.
A
Al drones on about something he believes in. I'm trying to listen but I can't, I can't… All I can is to try and unfreeze my jaw. My throat hurts from screaming. I bet that if I will speak ever again, I'm going to be hoarse. Forever.
Strange, how powerless I suddenly am. Take away my arm and I'm useless. I'll die. So, so easily. It's like stomping on an ant. You never realise that someone can do that to you just as easily. I'm an ant who learnt Alchemy. I am the one that is hurt whether he wins or loses. I'm cursed.
But aren't all humans? Isn't everything? Why nothing makes sense? I need a solid point in the universe or I'll die of uncertainty.
Al.
"I realised after I was almost killed…" It doesn't sound as hoarse as I expected. "All I could do was scream. My head was blank. I thought that I could save someone."
Stop, Ed, stop now while you can. Al doesn't have to know… But I'm weak and the words spill by themselves.
"Our hands are full trying to regain our original bodies. To accomplish that…"
How far would I really go? I… don't want my hand if it means I'd have to hurt you. Or any other child for that matter. I don't want to kill anyone. But… if I have to… can I?
"I don't care what people call me. A dog of military or a devil." As if it didn't mean the same. How deep is the evil I'm sinking in? I know it from outside, but maybe it is much deeper from this point of view. I hate being in dark. And this place is very, very dark. I can't see. I just feel… I feel useless. I feel that I hurt you. I want to die…
But I can't. Not while I still have to give you your body, brother.
"But we aren't devils or gods…" I tried once, and I hurt you so bad, brother… so bad… I'm giving my tainted purposeless existence for yours. I hope it's enough. It's my only purpose now… but how am I supposed to do it? How am I supposed to know?
"We're just humans!"
A
Hagane.
He knows me better than I thought, but despite all his arrogance, I don't think this was meant to ridicule me. Steel. I'm half made of steel, and the half that is not is either to be in the future, or die and turn into ashes.
I could have been Haigara. I'm Hagane.
"I like that heavy name. I will carry it."
It's weight will help me stay close to the earth. I can't afford to get my head in clouds again – I can't afford to die, much as I would wish to.
A
"Who did you say was smaller than a bacteria and needed vitamines to fight against a single each one-"
Al sweatdropped and left the office.
It was about the highest time. He's going to chat with Hawkeye or Havoc or some other infatuated blonde, or find another abandoned kitten, or… oh, whatever. I'll deal with that later. Right now I have a report to deliver. And add some things I wouldn't like Alphonse to know.
I'm rather practised in these rants; Mustang loves to pick at someone and I can't do him bodily harm (I could, but I don't feel like facing court martial and he would do it, I have no doubt), so it is a way to vent energy. It also serves to tell my brother that I'm alright. Healthy. Full of that energy that needs venting.
Most importantly, it makes him feel slightly ashamed for me and seek the nearest exit. There are moments when it's better not to be associated with me and I don't blame him. I'm using it.
Because right now I feel anything but full of energy.
As soon as Al's out the door, I'm sinking on the sofa and clapping my hands. A light touch of my fingertips to the floor, dilated pupils, awareness of all that is in the room from the rough tile, through my clothes, the cool air, furniture, the plant on the window-sill, Mustang's cologne and the bottle of wine in his lether bag, to the metallic doorknob.
Everything seen as atoms held together in molecules, macromolecules, cells, tissues… all in constant movement…
I blink and the door is locked, complete with bars in front of it. I don't like people disturbing me. I don't like people.
Mustang himself is an exception – after all, he's always an exception. He's looking at me as though he anicipated another rant. I know he doesn't. He knows me too well, just as he knows the little show I put up for Alphonse.
He's tired today. I can see just how odious the poor chap's work is. I would pity him… but, wait, I hate him, right? So no, no pity today.
"You're more creative lately."
I scoff.
"The old are getting old. Doesn't hurt to try something new."
He raises an eyebrow and I count. One… two… three… He frowns, instead of the smirk I have been waiting for. Damn the guy. He still does manage to surprise me… but I give as well as I get-
"Was that supposed to be some dim-witted insinuation?"
No, that was blatant innuendo, you jerk. Oh, I hate this man's antics. Once in a while I can say something I mean, can't I? And it's normal to expect a normal answer, isn't it?
"I was reading a book on biochemistry if you must know. Thousands of ways how to slaughter people slowly. Transmute a vire… if you are good enough, that is."
"Are you?" he asks and is that… fear? I think. Am I good enough?
"Yes. After learning to transmute human body from pure elements it isn't as hard." Except that you have to make millions of these miniscule things and I don't have a lifetime to spend building acellular organisms.
Now he's afraid of me. Good. It serves him well to practise that. If a true jeopardy comes, he won't have forgotten. And, despite all my hatred, I wouldn't truly hurt him.
"Edward-"
I raise my hand.
"Spare me. I destroyed a ship. You have to pay for it. I solved your little mystery. Equivalent Exchange."
"You, Hagane, are an insolent brat."
I cock my head to the side and do a Mustang – I raise my eyebrow and then smirk. From the expression on his face I guess he really hates when I do this. The better for me.
"I'm fourteen, Colonel. What did you expect?"
"Just your standard, Hagane. You always do solve the mystery, after all. And you always destroy something expensive."
I lay back and stare at the unused fan rather than at that smug-faced git. I would either punch him or do something really pitiful, and even though I'm exhausted, I don't want to give him the pleasure.
"How is Alphonse?"
How is Al? What kind of question is that- well, a comprehensible one I guess. But I had one of those briliant strokes and sent him to the police to make me a list of kindergartens, while I went straight to the orphanage and…
"Unaffected."
It seems that he wanted to say something but then changed his mind. He glances at the watch.
"Are you in a hurry?"
He's got a date. I't easy to tell – there is the cologne, the wine, the look at the watch… the hint of a frown I glimpsed when I and Al entered. He didn't expect us for at least two more days. Well, I'm sorry, Colonel. Still, you can send me to the barracks and ask questions tomorrow.
"Why didn't you kill him?"
Now, that's an easy one.
