circa 2002

Soda Curtis covers his daughter Serenity in kisses and she covers him in maple syrup until his neck and cheeks are shiny and sticky.

"Naw, it's all good," he says friendly enough, turning down Val's offer of a napkin. He's more than fine with getting messy, especially when the cause is his baby's chubby hands wrapped around him like a gift on Christmas morning.

The Waffle House is where Soda and Val have their drop offs, it's where Soda and Serenity have breakfast when he picks her up.

"Sorry, we were hungry," Val says unapologetically between heaping bites of covered hash browns, the cheesy fork still dangling against her inner lip.

The grin on Soda's face couldn't be any wider because it's Serenity her face covered in waffle bites he focuses on when he says in a high pitched voice that looks off-set, almost comical coming from his face that looks like it's seen things. "I see that. You're hungry, huh Miss. Serenity?"

It's Saturday morning and the small diner is packed and loud and Soda's has no problems with either but since she's already eaten he wants to get Ren home to start their weekend together. With his eyes he tries to tell Val it's time to say goodbye.

"Why don't you take a seat?" She asks as if it's the most obvious act in the world and he's a bit suspicious, both of her tone and her invitation, but mostly curious as he looks at her , the mother of his youngest child.

There's a reason they meet at the Waffle House, a reason they don't have the drop-offs at their homes but a neutral, public territory.

Val sighs and comes clean and there's a hint of impatience in her voice, "we really need to talk, Soda."

He shifts Serenity to his other side, and his leg starts to bounce a little and she bounces with him, which means she gives a grin, enjoying it, thinking it's a game like horsey.

"Sure," Soda says evenly and with Serenity in one arm he moves her booster seat out of the way with his other arm and slides into the booth. He buries his mouth on the back of his daughter's head, but doesn't take his eyes off Valerie Webb. He already feels weary.

"I'm pregnant."

She looks straight at him and his eyes flash something so quick she's not sure what she saw until they go back to normal.

"Congratulations," he says distracted and in one easy move he takes the box of big jumbo crayons and the sheet of paper already covered in scribbles and gives it to a fussy Serenity, who takes the purple crayon out and starts going to town.

"Naw, I mean it. That's great news Val," He tries again and there's a sort of warmth in his tone that's usually has no reason to be there when the two of them talk to each other about anything besides their daughter. "I'm happy for ya'll."

Y'all is Val and her husband Mike, the one Val cheated on and the one who is raising Soda's child.

"A big sister, huh?" Soda turns his head towards his daughter who is scribbling red on top of the purple. "You think she understands any of it?" He asks, titling his head in doubt.

"No clue. Pretty sure she doesn't understands any of it yet," she clarifies. She and Mike have two little girls at home, Sage and Serenity, but only Sage really understood, though having one little sibling getting another one was not big deal to her. "I don't think it will be real for her until I give birth."

What she means is that it usually isn't real for her until she gives birth, or at least until she feels pregnant on the inside and the outside.

She brushes her hand across her lower abdomen and wonders when she's going to start showing so she doesn't need to place her hand there to make it obvious.

This is her and Mike's makeup baby.

"It's not going to affect our schedule one bit, so don't even think it," she jumps on the offense so quick and Soda stiffens his shoulders.

She wants Soda to know where she stands, but really, where he stands. If it was up to Val Soda would just get daytime visitations, the overnight visits when Serenity is away for the weekends are hard on Val.

"We don't gotta talk about it now, Valerie" he says a bit coolly and a bit too casual for her liking. Val prefers to lay everything on the table right from the start, so she won't get blindsided by it later.

The two of them are still fighting each other over his visitations.

The way Val sees it, he should be grateful that his name is on the birth certificate. If she could have passed Serenity's off as Mike's she would have.

She takes a good look at them, Soda and Serenity Curtis. People say Serenity looks like Val, what they really mean but don't always realize is that Serenity looks like Val's mom, but Val prefers not to think about that.

But looking at them now, so up close to her, it's clear as day how much Serenity shares with her dad, how Val can see parts of his face grafted onto Serenity's.

It's the first time the three of them have been alone together as a family since Serenity was born. The booth feels like it's caving in.

"Mike's great with Ren," Val says, using Soda's nickname for their daughter. It's true; Val wouldn't have gotten back with Mike if he wouldn't accept her daughter. "He loves her."

She leans forward, thinking about her girls and her man, she's really not trying to show off but her smile waves the banner of her happy family in his face.

She almost says 'loves her like he loves Sage, like she's his own,' which is true and makes her and even more excited to have Mike's baby again.

She asked Mike what he wanted, boy or girl, as if it was a choice on a menu and before he could answer she said that she wanted a boy. She's not going to name him Mike, Jr. but they like Gunner or Logan for a boy and Shelby or Star for a girl. If it's a girl, she wants to keep the 'S' name thing going. There's not really a boy's name starting with an 's' that she likes, or 'm' or that matter.

Soda's lips upturn a little bit, but his eyes are unsmiling. He doesn't know how to even untangle his feelings towards Mike.

What Val doesn't tell Soda is that even though his picture is in Ren's room, when Mike and Val tucked Serenity in bed last night she said 'night, night daddy,' to Mike. The last thing Val needed was Ren referring to Mike as 'daddy' in front of Soda.

"She deserves all the love in the world," Soda voice softens and he brushes his daughter's hair back and how can Val disagree with that?

"Anything new with you?"

"Well, ain't nobody pregnant if that's what you're wondering," and gives her a sly grin that cracks her up. It's an unspoken secret that both will deny to their graves: in a different life they would have worked. How natural they feel together if they didn't have other people as soul mates.

Then he decides to be honest with her too, it's easier that way. "Me and Mary, we're seeing someone, a therapist." He speaks evenly but even Val can hear the hopeful glimmer in his voice. "We still got a long ways to go and everything." and it almost sounds like he's struggling to push down his own hope, "but we're seeing someone."

Val's shoulders move ever so slowly. Part of Val thinks Soda is trying to get back with Mary because Val long made up with Mike. Least, that's how Val might behave if the shoe was on the other foot, she's competitive that way.

Soda didn't expect to tell Val about him and Mary, not today at least. But once it's out he might as well go for broke. "She really wants to know our Ren. I want her to know Serenity."

He relaxes into the seat, and drapes an arm casually over the seat his posture like that of the carefree greaser hood he used to be.

What can Val do? Especially when Mike is such a huge part of Serenity's life, but still something inside of her bristles when she thinks of another woman tucking her daughter in bed. The last thing Val wanted was her Ren calling some other woman 'mommy.'

"I hate the idea," she says outright, she's good at laying all her cards on the table and Soda appreciates her bluntness even if in this moment his face shows only annoyance. "But," she continues, " I don't have a leg to stand on, right?"

"Guess you don't. But you're her mama Val, you'll always be the first person in her life. That ain't gonna change if she sees Mary a few days a month. C'mon, you know that." He tries to assure her, but there's an underlying hostility in his voice when he mentions the 'few days a month,' and Val is ready to take him on if he starts going in at her about their schedule.

"Mama Look!" Serenity coos and shows her the drawing. Soda could kiss his daughter, the way Val softens just watching Serenity's face light up at her.

"Sure," Val says, "Mary can meet my daughter. And Soda? You're always going to be in Serenity's life, don't think I can get rid of you if I tried." She laughs, but it's not mean and he smiles.

"Yeah, well knowing your skills with a side arm, I'll probably sleep with one eye open," he laughs then turns serious. "Thank, Val, I know it isn't easy."

Soda laughs, a low, soft laugh, devoid of humor but full of irony. "Guess things are going back to the way they were for both of us," he says, running his palm through Serenity's hair.

Val's never one been one for a loss of words, but she doesn't know what to say to that and she catches her breath. He's right, it's almost as if the years are being wiped clean. Val is back with Mike and once again carrying his baby. Soda might be getting back with his wife. And Serenity Curtis is the only evidence of their alternative reality.

Val doesn't need to say anything, a waitress comes by with two pots of coffee.

Then the waitress looks at them, Val, Serenity and Soda and can tell right away that they're a unit, a family.

She touches Serenity's head, "What a little angel, spending time with Mama and Grampa, isn't that right munchkin?!"

"Daddy" Serenity cries out.

The waitress turns pink and Soda tries to assure her "it's okay," makes a joke about it that almost seems to disarm her.

Val cracks up loudly and it's not a benign laugh either. Soda wants to give her a little kick under the table, especially with the poor waitress now looking red in the face again. But Val can't stop laughing and it's catching so Serenity joins in with her little titters and then Soda laughs.

It's the first time they laugh like they too, could really be a family.


She's late and Soda can almost hear her in his head. "Damnit Soda I'm like nine months pregnant, you can't expect me to move around like I used to." Which is all well and good except there were plenty of times of her showing up late for the drop offs when she wasn't pregnant.

Pacing the entrance of the Waffle House Soda can feel his temper through his legs.

When he's calm and thinks about Val, he sometimes thinks about his best friend Steve Randle. Both of them are whip smart, sarcastic, passionate, adventurous and temperamental as all hell. Though Steve has mellowed through the years, now he's more cranky and gruff than hot headed.

Pony once told Soda that Val and Steve were both Aries, the Sign of the Ram.

"Aimee," Pony jut said when Soda looked at him. "She's a Gemini, though she doesn't think it fits her." He and Darry used to marvel at how well Pony and his ex-wife got along post-divorce and Soda wishes he and Val could give Ren that.

Soda nodded, having no idea what was or wasn't supposed to fit in a Gemini. But he had to admit the battering Ram fit Valerie Webb to a T.

Right now it felt like one of Val's horns was ramming right up his ass.

Val has a way of getting in his head. Despite what he'll admit, it's not all bad. He appreciates Val bringing out his fighting spirit, appreciates her bull in the china shop approach, he appreciates having someone to spar against even if he feels uncomfortable that it's the mother of his youngest child.

What he doesn't appreciate is her being late not when she gets the entire month with Serenity and he gets a handful of days and wild blue streak leaves his mouth when he checks his watch again.

Just then a car he doesn't recognize turns into the parking lot. He doesn't recognize the car but he knows exactly who it is.

"Gawd damn," he mutters to himself, but aimed directly at Val. "Sonofabitch."

For three years they avoided each other. Soda takes a deep breath awaiting the reckoning in the parking lot of the Waffle House.

For a second worry washes over him. But he shakes his head. If something did happen Mike shouldn't be here, driving towards the entrance and straight towards him.

"Mike?" He says when the younger man gets out of the car. He's not sure how he's supposed to sound greeting the husband of his former mistress.

Hold his head down in shame? Try to stand his ground? What ground did he have to stand on?

Mike's average height and weight with dark curly hair and blue eyes. His eyes are similar in shade to Val's which are similar in shade to Serenity and for a second Soda imagines them, the four of them Mike, Val, Sage and Serenity with their blue eyes and people assuming Mike's Serenity's dad.

Soda feels himself tightening up.

"What?" Mike says harsh, looking pissed off, like a punch or at least a million swear words could follow. "Ree's feeling a bit under the weather; she told me she called you to let you know I'm dropping off Serenity," he looks at Soda with suspicion, like he's baiting him to call him a liar.

It feels jarring a bit hearing some other man call Val 'Ree.' But not just another man, her husband.

For a second Soda wonders if Mike is knowingly lying to him and trying to make him call his bluff or if Val really did tell Mike that she let Soda know about the change in plans; but Val loves Mike, she may be as reckless as Soda but they're both smart enough to know that second chances don't come often.

The two men stare at each other or a second before Soda, steps back, slides his hands in his pockets, puts on his poker face and nods. "Yeah, she told me you were comin'."

Mike walks over the car's back passenger seat and there was so much useless things Soda wants to say to Mike.

Decades ago he could have been Mike. When Sandy got knocked up, he wanted to marry her and he knew he would have raised and loved that child as much as he loved his biological children. Throughout his life he's seen examples of people take other people's children into their hearts, starting with his brother Darry and including Mary whose heart is the widest, deepest heart he knows and had expanded two decades ago to fit Soda's long lost ten year old son and now is expanding once again to fully love Soda's daughter with another woman.

He had all these examples and yet he's weary about someone showing that kindness and generosity of spirit towards his own child. He doesn't want Serenity to grow up being the 'other' in that household. He doesn't want Serenity to hurt because of his and Val's mistakes.

Mike's great with her, Val told him. He believed her but that also brought up new, even more uncomfortable feelings in Soda.

Ain't no way in hell he wanted Serenity to ever think Mike Webb as her daddy. It burns him up inside that Mike gets to see Serenity more than he does. Yeah, Mike may be the victim, but that sure as hell didn't make him Ren's daddy.

All these thoughts flash through Soda's head and he feels helpless, impotent, when he thinks of what he should say or even feel.

But the door swings open and there's his daughter. Before he can get to her, Mike unbuckles her seat belt, and Soda notices how completely at ease Ren is in Mike's care.

"Okay there's your dad," Mike says, not looking at Soda and Soda's not imagining his curdled tone when he says 'dad.'

Soda feels the rush of pure love he always feels when his daughter wraps her arms around him. He feels broken yet claimed when Serenity screeches in his face, "Daddy!"

"Hey child," and while he gives Serenity an Eskimo kiss he notices out of the corner of his eye Mike opening up the trunk and taking out Serenity's bags.

There's so much he should say starting with I'm so fucking sorry. He's sorry but also he's not sorry because he can't imagine his life without Serenity Curtis. Maybe it's a good thing he thinks that he feels like dirt, he much rather feel like shit than harden himself beyond caring, beyond empathy, he knows where that's gotten him before.

"Thanks," Soda says to Mike, for dropping Serenity off, for being good to his daughter, for not beating him to a pulp in front of said daughter.

"Bye Serenity," Mike says and gets back in his car, to home and to his wife and daughter.

"Bye Mikey!" Serenity says blowing kisses in his direction. Like he's the hero in her story.


2010

I'm in a reckless mood, what Daddy would call me being a lil' Miss. Sassafras and what I would call a grade A asshole when I climb in the passenger seat of mom's car and throw my book bag on the backseat, math and science books spilling out onto the floor before I slam the door shut. Pulling my knees into my chest so I look like the cannon ball I feel like, hot and ready to explode all over her.

I'm glad Shelby went home with her friend cause what I'm feeling I can't hold in and Shelby is such a damn baby and would probably start crying.

I don't say hello back to her or answer her question about how my day was.

But there's so much I want to tell her how Heather Jones ran so fast she peed her pants in gym 'but she doesn't have a disease or anything' I would say so that she wouldn't feel sorry for Heather and so it's okay to laugh at her, besides Heather is way too skinny and has a lazy eye; how at lunch there was a food fight and best of all how Tyler let me borrow his pencil in class and I got goosebumps all over me when he touched my arm. It felt like something electric running over and through me.

Boys like me. When I was younger it was because I never cried when we played rough and now when we're going into sixth grade it's because I know a lot of dirty jokes. I'm not afraid to tell them either. Even if it get me trouble, it's worth it. I know these jokes because I have an older brother but also because I pay attention to boys.

So when Jimmy just happened to mention something about his new boa constructor, well I had to say something.

I open up my fuzzy pink purse and loudly go through everything I have: there's my cellphone with my Justin Bieber hologram sticker on top of where my Bratz doll sticker used to be before I outgrew them; two troll pencils, my cherry lip gloss, Sage's eye shadow and finally my Twix bar. I unwrap it and take a bite.

"What's your problem?" She adjusts the volume on the radio dial, first up, then down and now up again.

I don't answer her, just hold myself tighter and glower out the window, the Twix bar in my hand, my shoes pressing deep into the seat.

It's not my job to tell her. She should figure it out on her own. A good mother would know.

"Fine. This attitude of yours is wearing real thin on me Serenity."

I roll my eyes. Ain't nothing thin about me. When I got my physical they took my height and my weight and I fell smack dab in the middle of overweight.

We left the doctor's office and I guess I was looking depressed because Mom cupped my chin in her hand and told me she wasn't raising me to be down on myself and that I'm gorgeous. "I would know I only make beautiful girls," she says and gave me a wink.

It shouldn't have worked but it made me smile.

My mom knows how to make anyone feel good. She can also be a total bitch. I guess I'm like her that way, when I want to I can be a sweet as pie but when I'm angry that's when my stinger comes out.

My friend Petra says I need to lose weight if I want Tyler but I heard Mom talking on the phone (not about Tyler) and she says that men like a woman with some curves and an ass. I think she means men like her with curves and an ass. I know Mike does. I guess at one point my dad did too.

Like hot lava I explode. "It's all about you ain't it? It's always all about you!" I'm too angry to stop myself. I don't care about stopping myself, I want her to hurt.

"It's wrong you know, seducing another man's wife, cheating on your husband, it's wrong."

She doesn't even look at me; instead her eyes focus solely on the traffic in front of us while she throws her head back and lets out this laugh that's as empty as the hole in the middle of a donut. "Lord, give me the confidence of a ten year old girl who thinks she knows what the hell she's talking about." And she talks to God like He's in the car and I ain't.

My blood boils. "Shut up! I do know what I'm talkin' about! You were married to Sage's daddy when you seduced Mary's husband." It sounds so much worse saying it that way instead of saying 'my daddy.' So much worse. The words taste sour in my mouth, almost as awful as they did racing though my brain over and over like a hamster on a wheel. But the truth, at least my truth is just that: awful.

I look right at her, taking her head on, Mom can't charm or lie her way out of this one.

Mom turns on me, her eyes normally sparkle and mischievous even when she's mad, turn dark. "You think you got it all figured out, hmm? And where's Soda in all this Serenity?" She drags his name like nails clawing through the dirt.

"You and DADDY shouldn't have been doing it, there does that make you happy? You're both assholes."

"Doing 'it'? Doing 'it'? Oh my God, you can't even say the word can you?" She laughs again, "and here you are in my car, judging something you know nothing about?"

I feel my cheeks turn hot with embarrassment and anger. I can say it, it's just sex but I don't want to. Not in front of mom. That's gross.

"At least I know it's wrong."

"Fine, that's right Serenity. I'm a little whor...Jezebel does that make you feel better?" Then she shakes her head, "you know what, I'm not in the mood to deal with this shit from you."

If she's mad now, all I know is that whatever's up her crawl is gonna get a whole lot worse when we get home and there's a message from my teacher on the answering machine.

I should have bribed Sage to delete the message, she gets home before I do, but I have nothing to bribe Sage with, nothing she would want anyways. It's so much easier to boss Shelby around she doesn't know any better.

Mom cheated on Mike, Daddy cheated on Mary, and I guess I'm no different because today I looked over Katelyn's shoulder when we took our quiz. It's not the first time I cheated, but it's the first time I got caught.

But that wasn't the worst thing I did. Before I tried to get Heather to let me cheat off her because Heather is smarter than Katelyn, I even offered to do put some eye shadow on her.

"You'd look so, so cute in blue, it's totally your color, it really makes your eyes pop." I don't know if they do or not, but that's how I hear other women talk and I said that to her. I'm not sure with her lazy eye if it's a good thing they pop but she smiled at me and it made my stomach sink and lurch and it was hard for me to look at her when I was putting her eye shadow on.

I cleaned her up in the bathroom, using the makeup wipes and even though she was still Heather Jones and I still didn't like her, I couldn't ask her to let me cheat. But if I didn't get at least a B my grade average was going to do straight down and so was my chance of having a sleep over.

Mom, Daddy and me, we're all cheaters. None of us can cheat worth a damn cause in the end no matter how careful we try to be we always, always, get caught. It's in our blood.

I'm the proof.


A/N I'm in a very weird state with my writing and this isn't what I want out of my writing, but it's been a couple of months and I'm not sure how to get my writing self back. This piece is not what I want it to be, I feel so distant from my characters and writing and struggling even with the basics, but I hope that I can shake the cobwebs off and somehow return, even if I don't know what that means exactly. I am very grateful to anyone who chooses to read this. I'm glad to finally have Serenity narrate for herself. She's been waiting a long time. ;)

Thank you very much.