Severus looked up at the stone ceiling of his bathroom. It was kind of blurry and moving in slow circles.
Interesting…Severus thought, taking another swig of his Fire Whiskey.
Through the fuzziness that surrounded him, Severus was sure he could hear banging. It vaguely irritated him and he took another annoyed swig.
"Go away," he shouted, frowning as he realized his voice was a little slurred. He couldn't possibly be drunk already. He'd only been drinking for… oh, an hour. Well, there was still half a… oh, no there was only about a twelfth of a bottle left. No wonder the room seemed to be moving around without him.
The banging got louder and he groaned, trying to pull himself up and out of his now tepid bath; the charm to keep it warm had worn off at least half an hour ago. He fell back down into the water and glowered at it when it sloshed out of the bath and all over the floor.
"Fuck off," he shouted towards the door, waving his bottle of Whiskey in the general direction of the banging. His wet hand lost its grip on the bottle and it went flying out of his hand, hitting the floor and rolling until it reached the wall.
Thank fuck it's not broken, Severus thought in relief. Then glowered. It was too far away to reach and he'd dropped his wand somewhere… where… was it in the bath with him? Wasn't there something in the wand's handbook about not submersing it in water? Bugger.
He tried reaching under the soapy water and feeling for it, but unbalanced and slipped under the water. He righted himself, coughing as he tried to wipe the soap out of his eyes.
"This is all your bloody fault," he yelled at the door. The banging had stopped thirty seconds or so earlier.
Bloody Albus Dumbledore. Bet he's just trying to bloody interfere again. Will he never let me wallow in bloody peace?
Except Albus would never just open the door when he was in the bath, and he was sure that, even with his alcohol impaired vision, the door was opening slowly, cautiously, as if someone was unsure of what they'd find on the other side.
They'd find me in the bath completely naked, completely inebriated and completely miserable, he thought. Personally, I hope its Minerva. She'd get the shock of her life and be too embarrassed to nag me for the rest of the term…That'd cheer me up.
Then he shuddered, deciding that he really didn't want Minerva seeing him naked. Or any other member of staff seeing him naked, actually.
"Sir, are you in there?"
For the love of Merlin!
"No, Miss Granger, I am not," he said, or rather he tried to say, the slurring may have made the words come out a little wrong. "Kindly bugger off."
"You're drunk!"
"No! Really?" Severus retorted, the effect of his sarcasm only slightly lost in the slur.
He looked over at her. She was half in the room and half out, her eyes fixed on a specific patch of the wall above the sink.
"Are you… in the bath?" Hermione asked, carefully.
Severus shook his head in amazement at her complete stupidity. Then he wished he hadn't as the room seemed to dip, making him feel nauseous.
"As you're here, could you pass me my Whiskey bottle back?" Severus asked, blinking to clear his vision.
"Hang on a second," Hermione said, backing out of the room and disappearing.
"The bottle's in here," Severus slurred, "not out there."
She reappeared a second later, a vial of something in her hand.
"I know," she said, breathlessly. "I've brought you something else instead."
He looked over at her blurred face. She was staring at him.
"Enjoy what you see, Miss Granger?" He noted in satisfaction that even drunk he could make her blush. Actually, he seemed to do a much better job of it when he was drunk. Mind you, he was naked.
She lifted her eyes to meet his, then approached him slowly like he was some dangerous animal that might suddenly turn and bite off her hand.
"Here, drink this." She pulled the cork from the vial and put it to his lips, tipping it so the oily liquid ran into his mouth. He swallowed before he realized what it was.
A sobering potion! The evil, evil woman.
His head instantly cleared and Severus groaned, closing his eyes.
"If I had wanted to be sober, I would have been," he pointed out, shivering, suddenly cold now the alcohol in his system had been neutralized. "Now I'm going to have to drink all that all over again."
"I wanted to talk to you," Hermione said, still looking at him. He wondered how much she could see under the bubbles in the water.
"And I told you I didn't want to talk to you," Severus said. "Now leave."
He pulled himself out of the bath, water dripping from his body and raised his eyebrows as Hermione turned her back, refusing to look at him.
"I'm sorry, Miss Granger," Severus said in a sarcastic tone. "Am I offending those delicate sensibilities of yours?"
"Stop it," she said, her voice sounding like she was on the verge of tears. She suddenly turned around and faced him; her eyes shining with unshed tears.
"Stop pushing me away. One minute you're kind and caring, and the next you're like this. I don't know where I stand with you. It's like you're a stray dog who's been badly mistreated and every time I pat you, I risk losing a finger."
Severus stared at the girl, reaching for a towel and drying himself slowly, watching her speak.
"I think my letter covered where we both stand, didn't it?" His voice was suddenly tired. He didn't want to do this any more – the letter was supposed to be the end of it. He'd help her and the baby financially and that would be the end of all contact between them. No more confusion for either of them. It was what he knew she wanted; it was what she said she'd wanted in that bloody letter of hers.
"You cared, I know you did." She looked up at Severus, watching him as he walked past her, leaving the bathroom with his towel precariously tied around his waist.
He turned to check that she was following him and he wasn't talking to himself.
"I can't deny I felt something, Miss Granger," Severus said. "What man wouldn't with a young girl in his bedroom, throwing herself…"
He was interrupted as her hand lifted to slap him. He deftly caught it before it made contact with her face.
"Temper, temper, Miss Granger," Severus said in a mocking tone. "You wouldn't want me to take points from your precious Gryffindor, would you?"
"You really don't have a heart," she said, her voice choked as she tried to tear her arm out of Severus' strong grasp.
"Yes, you keep saying that," Severus said, using his free hand to reach for the cloak he had discarded over the back of his sofa earlier. There was no point in him dressing properly, when as soon as she'd gone he was going to retire to his room to drink himself into the same oblivion she had just rudely and abruptly pulled him out of.
"You said you cared."
"The last time I replied to that, I nearly got slapped," Severus pointed out, letting go of her arm to pull his cloak on.
Hermione looked at the floor. "I didn't come here to argue, I just…"
"Just what?" he prompted.
"Just… wanted you to know that although I won't take your money, you can see the baby. I mean, if you want to, and I know you don't. But just in case you were interested…"
He stared at her for at least a minute, his expression completely unreadable.
"Right, well, I suppose not. I'd better get back to the ward, before Poppy sends Aurors after me or something." He looked at him, her lip trembling. God, she was in a state.
She turned to leave, shivering in the cold of the dungeons. She wished she'd bothered to put some clothes on, but she'd wanted to see Severus so badly that she hadn't wanted to waste the time. He had sounded so defeated, so… resigned to being alone. But this wasn't the same man who had written that letter. This man wanted to be alone.
"Hermione?" Severus' voice was unsure and it seemed to leave his mouth through a will of it's own.
She didn't turn around, but felt him walk up behind her, standing so close she could feel the heat radiating from his body.
"Come and lie with me." He spoke close to her ear, his breath tickling as he spoke.
She let him take her hand and lead her into his bedroom; the one he had slept in to get away from memories of her. Now this room would be haunted by her too, he knew. He'd never be able to sleep peacefully again.
Leaving his robes on, he pulled back the covers on his four-poster bed and got in, letting go of her hand. It was ridiculous to keep his robes on, as minutes earlier they'd been having a full conversation while he was naked, but he didn't want her to think he was trying to seduce her.
She hesitated for a moment, looking unsure of what she was meant to do next. He wondered if she really did think he wanted sex and wished he'd made the offer plainer. He just wanted to be near her. If she hadn't followed him into his room, he'd just have gone up to the hospital ward later and sat next to her bed instead.
She turned and looked at him, her mouth opening, then shutting again as she decided not to say whatever had just come into her head.
"You don't have to stay," he said, gently.
A smile touched her lips and she walked around to the other side of his. She pulled back the covers and climbed into bed with him, still wearing her cloak too.
"Aren't you going to take those off?" Severus asked, his nose wrinkling in disgust as he spied her large, pink rabbit slippers.
She grinned and kicked them off, sending them flying across the room. Severus could have sworn he heard one of them squeak in protest.
"Nox," he said, thankful the light had gone, which meant he no longer had to see those hideous slippers.
After a moment of silence, he felt Hermione move next to him.
"Severus?"
"Yes?" His voice was wary.
"Do you mind if I…" She hesitated.
"Spit it out, girl," Severus said, his words harsh, but his voice gentle.
"I can't sleep in these robes. I can't move in them."
"I know the feeling," Severus admitted, grimacing in the darkness as he tried to get his arm free, yards of material trapping it underneath him.
"So you don't mind…?" Her voice was timid.
"You've seen me stark naked and inebriated tonight, Hermione," Severus pointed out, refraining from reminding her that he'd also seen her naked, when she'd been whimpering and arching against him. God, that seemed so long ago now…
Except he couldn't think about that, not while he had her in his bed. Especially not now he could feel her struggling out of her robes. Was she naked underneath those? He shrugged his off too; careful not to touch her as he did so.
They lay in silence for a minute or so, both shivering as the cold bedcovers took their time warming to the heat of their bodies.
"I'm sorry I disturbed your bath," Hermione said, her voice muffled as she talked without lifting her head from the soft pillow. "Although I do think that next time you decide to drink yourself silly, you should probably steer clear of water. You could have drowned."
"Trying to save my life again, Hermione?" he asked. He knew he shouldn't be calling her by her first name, but she was having his baby for Merlin's sake. They had been as improper as they were going to get; it felt ridiculous hanging onto such a ridiculously small formality.
"I can't – I promised," Hermione reminded him.
"Do you always keep your promises?" Severus asked, not knowing where the ridiculous conversation was going, but finding it oddly comforting. He'd not fallen asleep with someone in his bed for years. The last time he had, it had been his sister, hiding from the drunken wrath of his father.
"I try to," Hermione said, snuggling further under the covers. This was nice…
"Have you ever broken a promise?" she asked, conversationally.
"Just one," he answered, his voice suddenly quiet.
"Oh." Hermione's voice was quiet and he realized she wasn't going to push him to expand.
"I promised my sister I would leave the Death Eaters and go into hiding," he said, the words coming out of his mouth without first getting permission from his brain. "That was the last time I spoke to her."
"That's a difficult promise to keep," Hermione said, quietly understanding.
"Yes."
Hermione reached out and felt for his hand. He jumped as he felt her fingers brush against his arm, then he relaxed, letting her small hand creep into his large one. He closed his hand over hers and held it tightly.
"Are you going back next time he summons you?" she asked, biting her lip at the feeling of her hand in his. Somehow it seemed more intimate than anything they'd done before, just lying in the darkness, holding hands.
"I don't know," he said, truthfully. "I'm sure Albus has some plan up his sleeve – he usually does."
"I wish you didn't have to go. Every time you leave, you might not come back."
Severus felt his hand tighten around hers and wondered if his whole body was acting without him this evening; first his mouth, letting him talk about things he'd never talk to anyone about; and now his hand, clasped around hers so tightly as if it were afraid to let her go.
"I've been coming back for a lot of years now," he said. His voice had an edge to it, not because of the subject matter, but because he had started to get an erection from the mere presence of Hermione in his bed. Yes, his whole body was definitely acting without permission.
I'm turning into a bloody teenager, he thought, trying to will his erection away. Except… he was enjoying it. He was enjoying just lying with Hermione Granger, even if other parts of him were most definitely not content with just lying with Hermione Granger.
Actually, his mind wasn't so content just lying with her, either. He felt himself harden more as he had to force himself to stop his free hand from reaching out to touch her.
"If you didn't go back to Voldemort, would you stay here, or go into hiding?" Hermione asked, completely oblivious to Severus' discomfort.
"I'm not sure," he confessed.
Then he sighed. "I've never been unsure of anything in my life before. I've always made decisions easily, be they right or wrong. Now there are so many decisions I have to make and I don't know what I want anymore. I feel so alone."
He closed his eyes in horror. What on earth had possessed him to come out with all that? He let go of Hermione's hand and wracked his mind for a way to get her out of his bed and out of his chambers. He needed to be alone.
"I know how you feel," the girl next to him whispered, letting him remove his hand, but leaving her own lying next to his. "I have the same sort of decisions to make, although admittedly Draco Malfoy is a lot less terrifying than Voldemort. And there's no one who understands. Except for you and Albus, and Albus only understands in theory."
"Do you know what you're going to do?" he asked, preoccupied with trying to get her to leave and not really paying any attention to the conversation.
"I don't have many choices," Hermione replied, well aware of how uncomfortable Severus had suddenly become. "I can go into hiding where my parents are, away from everything and everyone I know and love, or stay here and try to make Draco change his mind about taking me to Voldemort. Neither option is very appealing."
At Severus' silence, she added, "And I can only stay here until I start showing, then I'll have to leave anyway, or else Draco will go after the baby as well as me."
She couldn't bring herself to say 'our' baby, not with Severus lying so stiffly next to her. She put a hand on her stomach, feeling for a swell that still hadn't developed. She hadn't had long to get used to the idea of being pregnant, but she already felt warm when she thought about it. Warm and excited at the same time, and terrified, of course. She wasn't kidding herself that it would be easy, but she also knew that she wanted this baby. Desperately.
"Draco will never be able to touch you, or the baby," Severus said, stiffly. "I will not allow it."
"You're not always around, Severus," she pointed out. "Besides, I'd have to leave anyway; the baby is due about a month before the end of term. I can hardly sit my exams with a baby crying in the corner of the room."
Hermione swallowed hard. What was the point of her staying at Hogwarts at all? Draco wanted to give her to Voldemort, Ron wasn't talking to her, the one person she wanted to be around tensed up and went cold on her at random, and now she had finally admitted to herself that she wouldn't even be able to take her exams.
"I think I've made my decision," Hermione said, sitting up and pulling the covers back. What was the point of staying here with him, when she knew he didn't really want her there? Besides, Poppy would be looking for her.
"And that decision is…?" Severus' voice was disinterested and Hermione felt a stab of hurt in her chest. Why was he doing this again?
"There's nothing left for me here," Hermione said, swallowing again. Now, where had she kicked those God-awful slippers? She'd never find them in the dark, but didn't want Severus to see her, in case she started crying. She felt permanently on the edge of very differing, extreme emotions these days.
"Nothing left?" he asked.
"My friends; my studies; Draco; What's the point of it all?" She put out her hand. "Accio slippers."
Severus winced as he pictured those hideous slippers flying through the air. Now that was something he'd have nightmares about.
"Leaving so soon?" he asked, his voice smooth. What on earth was wrong with him? One minute he wanted her to go, the next he wanted her to stay? The woman had turned him schizophrenic.
Hermione's laugh was one of bitter amusement and it made him wince. "I thought I'd leave, before you found a way to get rid of me."
She reached for her cloak, not bothering to put the hospital nightgown back on. It wasn't as if the flimsy material made any difference in the cold of the stone castle anyway.
Severus raised his eyebrow in the darkness. Being read so well was disconcerting at the very least.
"You can still stay here and take your exams," he said, ignoring what she had just said. "There will be someone to take care of the child while you take them, presuming you still have the capacity to study with all the upheaval. I rather thought you faced challenges, rather than running away from them. It appears I am sadly wrong."
For a moment, Hermione was speechless; but only for a moment.
"Sadly wrong?!" she exclaimed, breathless with indignation. "You told me to leave. You shouted at me to leave! Suddenly you think I should stay? Why? Why the sudden turn-about?"
Why indeed…?Severus sat in silence for a moment, not knowing how to answer her because he didn't know his reasons himself. Then it came to him; a reason that wasn't personal and wouldn't send her running.
"Albus is going to offer you a position at the school," Severus said, knowing Albus would have his hide for telling her, but not really caring. "He is well aware of the difficulties you will face and is prepared to be flexible."
"A… position?" She paused in the middle of fastening her robe.
"The idea is for you to apprentice Professor McGonagall in Transfigurations. Your specialty, I hear," Severus said. "It works much the same as going to University, except you have one personal tutor and are guaranteed a job here at the end of the three years."
"Professor McGonagall will be leaving?" Hermione asked in horror.
"No, but Albus is planning on taking less of an integral role where the running of the school is concerned. He's not retiring, but is giving up most of his duties as Headmaster."
"Professor McGonagall is going to eventually become Headmistress?" Hermione asked, to clarify.
"Yes," Severus answered, then added under his breath, "Merlin save us all."
Hermione smiled in the darkness and then frowned as she felt and heard Severus pulling his covers back and getting out of bed. He padded naked and barefoot around to her, oblivious to the cold of the stone floor, or the chill of the dungeon air.
"I don't want you to leave," his voice said, close to her face. She was intensely aware that he was naked, standing close enough for any part of his body to brush against her. "I am well aware of my unfathomable mood swings where you are concerned, but I do want you here; here at Hogwarts for however long you can put up with the students, and here in my bed right now."
"You don't have to be nice, just because of…" Of the baby, she was going to say, as both she and Severus knew.
Severus didn't answer. After a second, Hermione's eyes widened as she realized he had lowered himself to his knees on the floor beside her. He reached up and started deftly unfastening her half fastened robes.
Severus could hear her breath catch as his finger accidentally brushed against a side of her bare breast as he pushed the robes from her shoulders. He hadn't meant this to turn into what it was definitely turning into. He'd just wanted to make her see that he did want her there – to undress her, pull her back into bed with him, then fall asleep with her.
Which admittedly was still precisely what he was going to do; except for the falling asleep bit.
Hermione bit back a groan as he let his knuckles brush against the outside of her thigh as he put his hand on the bed to push himself back onto his feet. He reached for her hands in the darkness, making Hermione shiver as he pulled her to her feet, her naked body brushing against his for a second, before he moved away and started leading her around the bed.
She followed him, her eyes closed. She couldn't see him in this room, even with her eyes open, and she suddenly desperately wanted to. She knew that the minute this was over, he'd back away again, and considered backing away first, before anything could happen that he'd regret.
He sat on the edge of the bed, lifting her hands to his shoulders and placing them there. He was letting her decide.
She hesitantly ran her hands over his shoulders and down over his upper arms, feeling the goose pimples on his skin. She lifted her hands from his shoulders to his hair and let her fingers run through the silky strands, making him shiver.
"Do you know a warming charm for the room?" she asked, her voice husky.
Severus let out the breath he'd been holding from the moment her hands started to move.
"That is not why I'm shivering," he informed her in a soft voice, biting back a groan as she leaned closer to hear him and accidentally brushed against his erection with her thigh.
He really had been way too long without a woman, he decided. Hermione was affecting him in ways he hadn't felt for years.
"Incendio," he spoke, pointing his finger at the fireplace Hermione had been too preoccupied to notice. Suddenly she could see him, the light from the flames dancing over his naked skin and making his eyes shine. The heat immediately started warming the room.
Hermione's hands shook a little as they returned to his shoulders and she bit her lip to stop that shaking too. It suddenly all seemed so real now she could see deep black eyes, staring into hers. The last time she had touched him, she hadn't been together enough to look at him, but now she couldn't stop.
His body was thin, but his muscles were well defined. His arms were amazing and bizarrely reminded Hermione of those of a guitar player. She supposed that all that stirring cauldrons must have done that to him – he always told them that using magic to stir the cauldrons was never as reliable as doing it by hand.
His body was pale, with a dusky spattering of hair over his arms and stomach. It made her want to reach out and touch it. Then she looked lower. She licked her lips, oblivious to Severus' intense gaze as he watched her looking at his naked body. God, she wanted to taste him. She'd always thought of it as being something you just did to pleasure a man; never before had she actually craved having someone in her mouth.
She lifted her eyes to meet Severus' and was caught in his intense eyes. As she stood stock still, starting at him, he let his eyes wander over her body, taking in her pale skin and full breasts. He remembered what it was like to taste those and wondered if she'd still let him now, or if the pregnancy had made them sore to touch.
He let his eyes linger on her almost completely flat stomach, where his baby was just under the surface. He was hit with an almost uncontrollable urge to press his hand to her stomach, but stopped himself. This was up to Hermione – if she wanted him, she had to start touching him. He wasn't going to do anything to tempt her, so that once this was all over there would no doubt in his mind as to whether she wanted it to happen or not.
His eyes kept moving down, but his visual exploration was interrupted as Hermione stepped forwards. She moved so she was standing between his thighs, pushing them wider apart as she stood so close to him that all he needed to do was lean forward to take one of her perfect pink nipples into his mouth.
He gritted his teeth and forced himself not to move.
She lifted her hands to his hair again, running her fingers through it and then letting them lightly brush against his neck. She ran her fingers over his shoulders and leaned forward a little to run them over the top of his back. Her breasts brushed against his face and he closed his eyes for a second, trying to control any urges he had to grab her and throw her onto his bed.
"Don't you want me?" she whispered, leaning back to look into his eyes. Her eyes were full of passion and doubt.
"I want you," he confirmed, his voice gruff.
God, how he wanted her.
"Don't you want to touch me?" she asked, reaching for his hand and taking it in her own.
He let her lift his hand to her breast, his breathing getting heavier as she ran his fingertips over her nipple before carrying on, letting his fingers touch her stomach. He flattened his palm against her stomach and looked into her eyes.
She stared back, holding his hand firmly against her stomach. Then she slowly started moving his hand again, letting his fingers brush the curls between her legs. He swallowed hard as he felt the backs of his fingers get wet as she moved his hand between her legs.
There's willpower, and then there's insanity, Severus decided, turning his hand of his own accord and letting a finger move to slide in between the wet folds. God, she was hot. And so, so ready for him.
She moaned as he found her clitoris, stroking it expertly in small, slow circles, making her knees buckle underneath her.
Suddenly the hand was gone and she moaned, feeling bereft. Her eyes opened slowly and she gazed at him, her eyes pleading. He was just sitting there, his head tipped slightly to one side, the look on his face one of intense concentration. Why wasn't he touching her…?
"Severus?" she asked breathlessly. "What…?"
He put his fingers gently to her lips and carefully got to his feet, pulling his cloak around himself as he moved to the door.
She quickly scrabbled for her cloak and made to follow Severus out of the room. She took a step, her wand grasped tightly in her hand, then she heard voices.
"So you're saying Miss Granger isn't here?" Poppy's voice carried to Hermione's ears.
"Miss Granger is quite safe, Poppy," Albus' tired voice assured the frantic sounding Medi-Witch. "You wanted to see if she was here and as you can see Severus is quite alone. Miss Granger will be back in her bed by the morning. She's a very sensible girl, I'm sure she knows what she's doing."
"I don't know why I bother!" Poppy said, sounding sulky. Hermione heard footsteps and smiled to herself. Poppy was stomping out in a temper. She felt vaguely guilty for worrying her, but she was eighteen, for God sake! And she wasn't an invalid – she was only in there to rest.
"Sorry to disturb your sleep…" Albus apologized.
Hermione knew Severus would be furious with her for getting him in the middle of this. He must think she was such a child, with people coming to check up on her whereabouts. She sighed, preparing for the annoyed Professor's wrath as he started back to his bedroom.
"Goodnight Severus," Albus said, then added in a louder voice, "Goodnight Hermione."
Hermione cringed, before calling out, "Night, sir…"
She flattened herself against the wall next to the door and waited for Severus to return.
"I'm sorry," she started to apologize, but Severus raised his hand to silence her.
Hermione gazed up at him, chewing her lip nervously. She jumped as Severus lifted his hands to Hermione's still unfastened robe and pushed it to the floor, making her shiver. Leaving it to pool around her feet, he took her hand and let her to the bed, gently pushing her so she was sitting on the edge.
He lifted his hand to her face, gently cupping her face.
"Goodnight, Hermione," he said in a soft voice. Then he walked around to his own side of the bed and dropped his cloak to the floor, giving Hermione a quick glimpse of his naked back.
He waved his hand and the fire was suddenly extinguished. The room was black, except for the glowing embers in the fire, which had yet to cool down. Severus lay on his back and pulled his covers up, smiling a satisfied smile when he realized she was doing the same.
"Goodnight, Severus," she whispered back, reaching for his hand.
