An Unseen Gift
Chapter 4 of "Moonlit Walks"
By Chani
A/N: Day 6 of 7…When they got this close to 'goodbye', I suspect feelings started to bubble to the surface. And yes, there is one more chapter coming. ;-)
The full moon lit the sky, its silvery light so bright it made the stars around it pale in comparison. A soft breeze cooled the air just short of causing a chill, and the only sound was the bristling leaves up above in the trees. It was truly a beautiful night, one Nynaeve wished would never end.
Her gaze drifted to Lan as he packed up what was left of dinner. He looked almost…happy. If not happy, then definitely pleased. It warmed her heart to see him that way; that she was the one to put him in such a mood only made it better. It amazed her something as simple as making him dinner with her own two hands could bring joy to the man. But al'Lan Mandragoran was not just any man. No, comparing him to other men was like comparing the sun to the tiny stars that helped light the night's sky. If only he could see that for himself.
A small sniff escaped her before she could stop it but when Lan gave her an inquisitive look, she forced a smile. Thankfully, he got back to work rather than questioning her. Had he asked she would have been glad to tell him what was on her mind, though. The man, no matter how wonderful, still had a tendency to behave like a Light-blinded fool. All that talk of him having nothing to give her but widow's weeds…what a load of sheep's swallop!
It was, in Nynaeve's opinion, all Moiraine's fault. Yes, that wretched woman had convinced Lan Mandragoran—a king!—he had no worth outside that of being her Warder. She encouraged his foolish quest to die fighting the Shadow. For her. In whatever way she decided, as though she were some queen to be obeyed and Lan was nothing more than some mindless servant. The very thought made Nynaeve snarl. It was one thing to fight evil; it was quite another to go about it intending to die. Had Moiraine cared a whit about Lan, she would have put a stop to that nonsense. But no, she merely accepted it. Encouraged it. Encouraged him to put her life above his own. It was utter selfishness on her part, something the Aes Sedai appeared to possess in abundance. All the woman cared about was herself and the White Tower, and did not mind sacrificing Lan or Rand or Mat or any of the other people Nynaeve loved to that cause. Burn Moiraine and the tower!
Thoughts of Moiraine made Nynaeve tug her braid so hard it hurt. Never had she despised anyone as she despised Moiraine. Never had anyone given her as much reason to do so. Moiraine would pay, though. She would pay dearly. Not only for her treatment of Lan, but for dragging Nynaeve's people from Emond's Field into the middle of every danger the world had to offer. Nynaeve would see to it; once she had mastered the One Power, anyway. It was the only thing that drove her to suffer the indignities she would have to face to become an Aes Sedai. But she would never be one. No, she would never become a manipulative witch like Moiraine and her ilk. She would simply learn whatever she could as quickly as she could so she could use it to help Rand and the others survive this mess. And maybe she could find a way to save Lan from Moiraine's scheming as well. Her mouth twisted in disgust, making her look as though she had bitten into a piece of rotten fruit.
"I know that look," a deep voice rumbled, pulling her from her thoughts, "but this time I am certain I am not the one to cause it."
Nynaeve looked up at Lan, who was now towering above her and her expression immediately softened. "No, it's not you."
His stony expression never wavered, but the sparkle in his eyes gave away his amusement. The coldness normally there was gone, replaced by…was it warmth? "Care to tell me what or who caused it, then?" he asked, offering his hand to help her to her feet.
"No," she answered, smiling up at him. It amazed her how quickly he could soothe her. Regardless, she could not forget what she had to do. She had to protect everyone she cared for—from the Shadow, from the Aes Sedai, from everything!—whether they liked it or not. And that included Lan. "I will deal with the person soon enough." That was not exactly true, of course. The day Moiraine paid for her actions could not come soon enough to suit Nynaeve.
"I am certain you will," he responded, his hand tightening around hers as they began to walk. He did not question her further or insist she tell him the name of the person causing her unhappiness, though somehow she suspected he knew. The very mention of Moiraine's name made her angry enough to chew steel. He had quickly learned that, and taken great care to choose his words wisely when they were together.
Pushing thoughts of that woman out of her mind, Nynaeve concentrated on enjoying her time with the man at her side. That this was their last night together caused a large lump to form in her throat. She was not ready to let him go. Truthfully, she never would be, though there was little she could do about it. The fact remained that he had pledged his life to Moiraine and the only way to change that was to find a way to get Moiraine to release him from the bond. But how could she convince the woman to do that? Moiraine clearly enjoyed the power she wielded over others, including Lan, so it would not be an easy task. Besides, why would any woman in her right mind simply give up Lan? She swallowed hard, fighting the urge to sigh. There just had to be a way. There had to be.
"What is bothering you, Nynaeve?"
Caught unaware, she looked up at Lan, who was now leaning against the outside wall of the battlement. Light, they had covered quite a distance! She had been so wrapped up in her thoughts that she had not even noticed.
A strong finger under her chin forced her attention back to the man in front of her. "Tell me what is bothering you," he prompted again, his blue eyes filled with concern.
She had the sudden urge to scream at him, to yell at the top of her lungs that he should have known what was bothering her. How could he not? He knew she was leaving tomorrow…he had learned of it the day before when he had chased her down to complain about her involvement in questioning Amico and Joiya. Light had he been irate when he learned that! He had gone on and on about how an Accepted had no business taking part in the questioning of Darkfriends, much less sisters of the Black Ajah. It had finally taken her telling him that it was Aes Sedai business, and therefore none of his concern, to stop his tirade. And, once she had pointed out that Moiraine knew of her involvement as well as supported it, his jaw had tightened and he had stomped away without another word. It had concerned her, truthfully. She did not like upsetting him, much less fighting with him. But, thankfully, by the time he had come to get her for their nightly walk he had been the picture of serenity. He had not mentioned the subject again, with the exception of a seemingly innocent question about how the interrogation had gone that day. He had not fooled her for a moment—it was much too obvious that he didn't like her involvement in the matter—but at least he accepted the fact he could not change the situation. He would have to learn to trust her abilities, though. For some reason, the man thought every little thing was a threat to her. As if she was not capable of taking care of herself. She quickly silenced thoughts of situations that confirmed his beliefs. Those times were rare. Very rare.
"Nynaeve?" Again his deep voice interrupted her thoughts, though she found she did not mind. His tone was so tender, so caring, that it warmed her heart. "Talk to me."
"I just…" She trailed off when she met his gaze again. The man in front of her bore little resemblance to the man who had practically yelled at her two nights prior. Whatever had gotten into him, causing him to suggest they stop spending time together, was now gone. Had she handled him differently, she knew they wouldn't even be together tonight and would have, instead, been avoiding each other because of his foolishness. Sometimes he really did need to be set straight. He just needed it less often than most men. If only they had more time, then maybe…
As though he knew exactly what she was thinking, he tugged her hands until she was wrapped tightly in his embrace. She had never known real peace until he held her, never known what it was like to surrender her true self until she had spent this time with him. This was where she belonged and the thought of leaving…of losing him…made her eyes burn. Clinging tightly to him she squeezed her eyes closed to keep the tears from falling, though one lone droplet found its way down her cheek.
A large hand stroked her back as his other arm constricted around her. It occurred to her, in that one brief moment, he was as reluctant to let her go as she was to leave him. That knowledge gave her strength. More importantly, it gave her hope. She would have to have enough for both of them, it seemed. If he would not fight for them, she would. One way or another, she would find a way to make this work.
Taking care not to move out of his arms, she lifted her face so she could look at him. He did his best to soften his features, but she would have had to have been blind to miss his clenched jaw and furrowed brow. As if having a will of their own, her hands moved to his face, her fingers dancing over his stony jaw before moving up to smooth the creases in his forehead. Light, how would she ever survive leaving him? "Promise me something," she whispered, pulling her lower lip between her teeth to stop it from trembling.
He nodded once, shifting his hands to rest on the curve of her hips. "Name it."
For a moment, she got lost in the feel of him…the caress of his breath on her face, the tingling of her skin where he touched her. It was too easy to forget herself when she was near him, too easy to behave like some lightskirt who couldn't control her own desires. But Nynaeve al'Meara was no lightskirt. "Promise you'll be careful, that you'll look after Rand." She paused, but found herself unable to draw a breath. "And yourself. I don't know when we'll…" When we'll see each other again, she finished silently, swallowing hard. "I just need to know you're safe. As safe as you can be."
Something in his eyes told her he was going to argue, to start his all too familiar speech about how they had no future. A battle was raging behind those blue eyes, though the only physical sign he gave of his turmoil was the way his fingers were digging into her flesh. He didn't seem to realize it, and though she knew there might be bruises she said nothing. Better to suffer a small amount of discomfort than to say something that might make him bolt away like a startled animal. Finally, after what seemed an eternity, he nodded his assent. "It eases my mind to know you will be going back to the White Tower. At least you will be safe there."
Feigning a smile, Nynaeve moved back into his embrace. She hated leading him to believe she was going back to the Tower when she wasn't, but given how upset he had gotten over her questioning two Darkfriends she had no desire to tell him she would be hunting more of their kind with Elayne. The man would, undoubtedly, try to tell her not to go and that was simply not an option.
How long they stood there holding each other, she wasn't certain but all too soon they were in front of her door again, staring into each other's eyes. It was the worst part of the evenings she spent with him; having to say "good night" was too close to "goodbye" for her, especially tonight. But as she looked up at him, she knew even though she was leaving tomorrow, it would not be goodbye. They would see each other again; more importantly, they would be together some day soon. If she had to fight Moiraine and every other Aes Sedai in the White Tower, then so be it. She and Lan belonged together and, ultimately, nothing would keep her from him.
"You have that look again," he told her, smiling. "Like you plan to walk through a wall and expect it to move out of your way."
"If the wall is smart, it will do as I wish." She sniffed primly, feeling more determined than ever. "If not, I will knock it down and force it to."
He threw his head back and laughed. It was such a pleasing sound, rich and full of life. If he had not been laughing at her, she might have laughed as well, but she was serious. She would have him, and nothing was going to stand in her way.
"I don't doubt you would do just that, Nynaeve." His eyes sparkled with amusement as his big hands moved to cradle her face. "There is little, if anything, you could not accomplish once you set your mind to it."
The comment brought a smile to her lips, though when his thumb began gently caressing her cheek the smile faded into a look of pure bliss. Her skin tingled from his touch, and her head began to swim. Being this close to him scrambled her wits, and he was moving even closer. His thumb stroked her lower lip, causing her to draw in a sharp breath. The Creator help her, her legs felt like they were made of water. The only thing that kept her from dropping into a puddle at his feet was the arm that he'd somehow slipped around her waist.
"You are an amazing woman, Nynaeve al'Meara." As soon as the words were out of his mouth, his lips brushed over hers, sending a jolt through her body. It was not enough to be called a kiss, she thought. But when his mouth caught hers a moment later, it was definitely a kiss…a tender one that curled her toes. All rational thought disappeared. There was only Lan.
Though it was over much too quickly, it left her breathless. The worst part was he clearly knew the effect he had on her. The way he looked down at her, his eyes sparkling with self-satisfaction, should have made her want to push him away. There was no chance of that so instead she fought to catch her breath, to find her voice to tell him to stop being so full of himself, but when she opened her mouth, she blurted, "I love you." She blinked once, her eyes growing wide. Her words surprised her, but they also caused the smugness in Lan's eyes to disappear with an abruptness that almost frightened her. The shock she saw in his expression annoyed her, however. How could he not have known how she felt?
"Nynaeve," he began, his face twisting as though he were in pain. She half expected him to move away from her, but if anything his grip on her tightened. That gave her the courage she needed to stop him before he began the speech she had heard all too often.
Putting one finger over his lips was enough to stall him. "Don't, Lan. Don't tell me not to say it and don't start going on about why I should not feel this way. I feel what I feel and there's nothing you can do to change it." Her tone was firm, just as it had been two nights earlier when he started his nonsense. If she gave him half a chance he would ruin everything, and she would not give him that chance again. Never again. Setting her jaw stubbornly, she kept talking before he could interrupt. "When you gave me this ring"—she reached down and pulled the ring from the valley of her breasts then held it up to him—"you told me all I had to do was use it to send word and you'd be come to me. This ring keeps me connected to you, even when we're apart." She let out a short breath, dropping the heavy gold ring. "I have no ring to give you, no piece of jewelry that everyone will recognize as mine. All I can give you is my love and let you know that wherever you go, you can carry that with you. Through that, I'll always be with you." One corner of her mouth curled up. "I love you, Lan Mandragoran." There, it was easier to say the second time; at the very least, it had not killed her. "I always will. You have my heart. And if you ever need me, all you have to do is send word and I'll be there." She meant it, too. Even if she had to crawl on her hands and knees and battle her way across the land, she would go to him.
His features softened and his eyes filled with what she knew in her heart was love, but he was fighting it with every breath he drew. Until she found a way to free him from Moiraine, he would continue to fight. Perhaps even after. "Nynaeve, we can't—"
"Shh," she interrupted, shaking her head. No matter how much she wanted to melt into his arms and let him kiss her until she could no longer think—the very thought made her cheeks flush—she knew she had to keep her wits about her. Men would always take the upper hand and try to use it to push you around if you let them. "I'm not asking for anything from you. I just want you to know how I feel." Standing on her tiptoes, she kissed his cheek. "I will see you tomorrow before I leave."
Amazingly, she was quick enough to escape his grasp and had entered her room and closed her door before he could say more than her name. But once inside she felt as though she had battled an army of Trollocs and barely escaped with her life. Leaning against the door, she sighed. This was not going to be easy. Nothing worth having was. She had no plan, though, no great inspiration about how to accomplish what needed to be done, yet there was one thing she knew as surely as she knew the sun would rise in the morning.
One way or another, one day soon, Lan Mandragoran would be her husband.
