Chapter 6: The Secret Hamlet

In the drafty castle of Elsinore, King Claudius squeezed his wife's hand as he whispered wetly in her ear. Gertrude, meanwhile, giggled and squirmed like any blushing virgin. Then Claudius pullled the queen close with sudden hunger and bent her into a passionate kiss. The royal pair's lusty giggling and fondling ceased, however, when footsteps sounded in the hall, and Claudius and Gertrude looked up to see two young men entering behind a servant.

"Welcome! Welcome, dear Rosencrantz -- dear Guildenstern!" boomed Claudius.

The two young men smiled at their king and bowed.

"Good gentlemen," added Gertrude, briskly smoothing her ruffled hair, "my king hath much talked of you. And I am sure there are not two men living he admires more!"

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern laughed merrily, and the queen lowered her eyes and blushed shyly, again acting the young virgin in the presence of men.

"It pleasures us both immensely to serve our lord," said Rosencrantz, his hands behind his back.

"Aye," agreed Guildenstern. "We stand ready to be commanded."

"Thanks, Rosencrantz, and gentle Guildenstern," replied their king with much delight. "I knew you would be up for it."

"Yes, my Hamlet will be much pleased to have his childhood friends near to him . . . in his grief . . ." The queen whispered the last few words and would not meet her husband's eye. Claudius was watching her carefully, but his suspicions were disturbed when more feet disrupted the hall, and the queen raised her head and cried, "Oh!"

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, looking mildly curious, were dismissed by the king as Polonius approached, looking pale and wild and bent toward some misadventure.

"Polonius -- " began the king and was cut short as Polonius burst, "My lord, I have found the very cause of Hamlet's lunacy!" He stopped short before the king, bowed quickly, and straigthened up.

"Oh? Then do speak of that," Claudius answered, "I do long to hear."

"Give first admittance to the ambassadors," Polonius reminded his king, and was sent away in pursuit of the aforementioned guests.

A moment later, Voltimond and Cornelius arrived, declaring Norway would not yet attack Denmark. When the men were sent away again on state business, Claudius turned to Polonius, who seemed bursting to tell his tale.

"My liege and madam," began Polonius, bowing in acknowledgement to the queen, "I will be brief: your son is mad. Mad, I call it!"

"Get to the point," Gertrude said breathlessly, her small hand fluttering to her breast.

"Madam," said Polonius, "I swear that he is mad. Tis true, tis true, tis pity. I have a daughter, have while she is mine, who, in her duty and obedience to her father, hath given me this . . ."

And Polonius fumbled to unfold a letter much-wrinkled from constant handling, cleared his throat, and read the following aloud:

To the celestial, and my soul's idol, the most beautified Ophelia -- In her excellent white bosom etc, etc . . .

Doubt thou the stars are fire;
Doubt that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt I love.

O dear Ophelia! I am ill at these verses: I have not art to tell thee just how much I care; but that I love thee best, O most best! Believe it. Adieu.Thine evermore, most dear lady, while this machine is to him,

Hamlet.

Polonius looked up, a scowl on his wrinkled face, "This in obedience my daughter hath shown me."

"But how hath she recieved his love?" Claudius asked.

"What do you think of me?" Polonius said, astonished. "She hath not recieved it at all! Not while I live and breathe! When I had discovered this madness, to my young mistress did I chide 'Young Hamlet is a prince, out of your reach, this can not be,' and thus ordered her to lock herself from his company. Therefore he fell into this madness wherein he now raves and we all mourn for."

"Do you think tis?" wondered Claudius, deep in thought.

"It may be," whispered Gertrude fearfully. "It may be, very like. Oh, my Hamlet!"

"Have I ever been wrong?" said Polonius, tapping the rolled-up letter on his palm.

"How may we be certain of this?" Claudius demanded suddenly. Hamlet had never been, by any means, a stupid lad, and Claudius was wary of the prince's sudden madness.

"You know sometimes he walks for hours here in the lobby," suggested Polonius, raising a finger.

"So he does," the queen agreed, nodding.

"At such a time, I'll send Ophelia to meet him -- accidentally, of course -- and you and I shall be in hiding, waiting and listening to what we shall hear."

"We will try it," said Claudius, nodding.

"But look," moaned the queen, and her pale and golden brows drew together sadly. "Here comes the poor wretch reading."

And indeed, Hamlet came strolling through the lobby at his leisure, his curly brown head bent seriously over an open book.

"Aye," hissed Polonius, "I do bessech you -- both away!"

The king and queen took warning and fled, and Polonius approached Hamlet and said with forced casualty, "How does my good lord Hamlet?"

Hamlet replied without looking up, "I am well, for the Lord has mercy."

"Do -- do you know me, my lord?" Polonius asked with raised eyebrows, for he'd only just noticed with a jolt that Hamlet's book was upside-down.

At last, Hamlet drew his gaze from the upside-down book and frowned at Polonius, slowly tilting his head to one side. After a prolonged and uneasy silence, Hamlet laughed and said, "I know you excellent and well -- you are a fishmonger!"

"Not I, my lord."

"Then I would you were an honest man," Hamlet said with a sudden dark frown.

"Honest, my lord?"

"Aye, sir, honest. To be honest is to be one man picked out of a thousand."

"That is very true, my lord," Polonius said, resigned to humor Hamlet in the hopes of proving him mad.

"For if the sun breeds maggots in a dead dog, being good carrion -- Have you a daughter?" Hamlet asked suddenly, a creepy smile stretching his crazed and unshaven face.

Polonius stiffened, willing himself not to be afraid and failing. "I have, my lord," he answered uncertainly.

"Then let her not walk in the sun," continued Hamlet, "for conception is a blessing and your daugher may conceive."

Shocked, Polonius stood rigid, his heart pumping with anger. Ophelia had just been compared to -- if not outright accused of being -- a dead fish. A fishmonger was also, in some cases, a pimp and, therefore, Ophelia had just been accused a whore. He breathed deeply under the young man's ever-watching, glinting eyes and had to remind himself that the prince was ill.

"What say you to that?" Polonius said to himself out the corner of his mouth. "First he calls me a fishmonger and then my daughter a fish. He is far gone, far gone." Then he added loudly to Hamlet, "What do you read, my lord?"

Hamlet waved an airy hand, "Words, word, words."

"But what is the subject, my lord?"

"I read of slanders, sir," said Hamlet heartily, "for this rogue herein says that old men have grey beards, that their faces are wrinkled, and their eyes thick with plumtree gum -- yet I hold it not honesty to have it thus set down, for you yourself, sir, shall grow as old as I am -- granted, of course, that you could grow backward."

"Will you walk out of the air, my lord?" said Polonius, again offended.

"Into my grave?"asked Hamlet sharply.

"Indeed, that is out of the air," Polonius muttered again to himself. "My honorable lord, I will most humbly take my leave of you."

"You cannot, sir, take from me anything that I will more willingly part with -- except my life, except my life, exept my life."

"Fare -- Fare you well, my lord," said Polonius nervously, and hurried away.

"These tedious old fools!" Hamlet sneered after him and looked up sharply when a familiar voice cried, "God save you, sir!"

He turned to see Rosencrantz followed closely by Guildenstern, who called inturn, "Mine honored lord!"

"My most dear lord!" gushed Rosencrantz.

Both men gave exaggerated bows, and Hamlet sneered momentarily at the top of their heads before they straightened up again. What empty flattery both men seemed to offer!

"My excellent and good friends," the prince said, effecting a smile. "How dost thou Guildenstern? Rosencrantz? How are you both?"

"So-so," replied Rosencrantz merrily.

"Happy that we are not over-happy," added Guildenstern.

"What news?" prompted Hamlet, resting his boot on a small table and his elbow on his knee.

"None, my lord," said Rosencrantz, startled. "But the world's grown honest."

"Then is doomsday near," replied Hamlet darkly. "Your news is not true. Let me then be more particular: what came you to this prison for?"

"Prison, my lord?" gasped Rosencrantz, laughing.

"Denmark's a prison," Hamlet said gravely.

"Then is the world one," Rosencrantz replied.

"Aye, and a goodly one, in which there are many confines, wards, and dungeons -- Denmark being the worst," said the prince.

"We think not so, my lord," said Rosencrantz, rocking on his heels with forced mirth.

"Why then, tis none to you," said Hamlet, "for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so: to me it is a prison."

"Why then, your ambition makes it one," said Rosencrantz. "Tis too narrow for your mind!"

"O god!" moaned Hamlet. "I could be bundled in a nutshell and counted a king of infinite space were it not for my nightmares. A dream in itself is but a shadow." After a moment, Hamlet sighed and stood on both feet again. "Shall we to court, gentlemen?"

"We'll wait upon you," answered his friends.

"Do not bother," the prince replied, grimacing. "For, to be honest, I am waited upon dreadfully -- I can not escape the servants!" he cried, and indeed several manservants were lingering on the edge of the lobby after Hamlet.

The three of them started from the lobby, Hamlet a little ahead of and inbetween the other two.

"So what dragged you to Elsinore?" Hamlet asked.

"To visit you, my lord, no other reason," lied Rosencrantz, shrugging.

Hamlet gave a bitter smile the other two did not mark. "Were you not sent for?" he asked lightly. "Is it your own inclining? Come, come, deal justly with me!"

"What -- what should we say, my lord?" stammered Guildenstern nervously.

He and Rosencrantz exchanged worried looks across the prince.

"You were sent for," confirmed Hamlet darkly, "and there is a kind of confession in your looks which your poor acting skills can not cover: I know the king and queen sent for you."

"Do . . ." Rosencrantz cleared his throat and asked guiltily, "Do you know to what end, my lord?"

"That you must teach me," replied Hamlet. "But, in the name of friendship, be direct with me -- were you sent for or no!"

"What say you?" hissed Rosencrantz, dropping back to confir with Guildenstern.

"Nay, if you love me, hold not off. Let us not continue in this lie -- "

Then both men turned to Hamlet, who was watching with a frightening impatience, and said, "Ay, my lord, we were sent for."

"Of course," said Hamlet quietly, his green eyes narrowed and his entire body completely still. "And I will tell you why to prevent your discovery and thus let your secrecy to the king and queen wilt no further:

"I have recently lost all mirth, forgone all custom of exercises, and with utter hatred do I look upon the world. The king and queen would send you to hear my lips utter the words 'what a piece of work is man! how noble reason! the beauty of the world! the paragon of animals!' And yet man delights me not, nor women neither -- though, by your smiling, you seem to think so."

"My lord," protested Rosencrantz, though the dirty smile lingered still around his lips, "there was no such stuff in my thoughts."

"Why did you laugh then when I said, 'man delights not me?'"

"If you delight not in man, then you will take no pleasure in the players who have come to town, my lord," explained Rosencrantz. "Hither they are coming, to offer you service."

"What players are they?" Hamlet asked with great interest.

"Even you will take delight in them -- they are the tragedians of the city."

And even as Rosencrantz was speaking, Polonius bustled up to them to announce the players.

"The players -- the players have come hither, my lord!" Polonius annouced breathlessly, but Hamlet merely strode right past him. Polonius, started, turned and left grumpily again.

"My lord Hamlet!" two players called happily, lifting their hands in welcome to their old friend.

Hamlet grinned and went to them, laughing hoarsely.

"Friends, we'll hear a play tomorrow, will we not?" Hamlet inquired of the two players as he drew them aside. "Can you play The Murder of Gonzago?"

"Ay, my lord," answered the first player, grinning. "Anything for our greatest patron!"

Hamlet slapped the man good-naturedly on the back. "We'll have it tomorrow night then," he said. "And you could, if need, study a speech that I will add, could you not?"

"Ay, my lord," answered the first player yet again.

"Very well," said Hamlet, his green eyes calculating. He turned to Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, who watched him nervously. "My good friends, I'll leave you tonight. You are welcome in Elsinore."

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern seemed loath to leave Hamlet alone, and the prince knew they had been instructed by their king not to do so. But when they left with reluctant smiles, Hamlet faced the gloomy interior of the court halls alone.

"This player will rouse him in his guilt," Hamlet muttered, "and make the accusation I dare not let fly from mine own lips. Am I a coward? I am pigeon-livered and lack gall or else I would have painted the skies by now with this villian's insides! Bloody, bawdy villian!"

Hamlet's teeth flashed in his rage, and he clenched his fists, "Remorseless, treacherous, lecherous, kindless villian! O vengeance! What an ass am I that I stand here raving like a child while that remorseless villian goes free! I will have these players play something like my father's murder before mine uncle, and then will I observe his looks. The play is the thing wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king!"