AN: Thanks to everyone who has let us know that you're still enjoying our foray into insanity. This chapter has a bit more plot than we intended any of our chapters to have, but sometimes you just have to humor the bunnies (we wouldn't want to end up like Shepherd Book back in chapter one, would we? - at least not unless Simon was our doctor, of course).
Firegate: The Big Damn Circle
By Hah and Mer
- 6. What's for Dessert? -
Lt. Col. Sheppard rested his hands on his P-90 and surveyed the space around him. No matter how much time he spent in Atlantis, every once in a while, the absolute absurdity of his situation struck him. For example, right now, he was in standing in the Pegasus Galaxy, and not just that, in the Lost City of Atlantis, right above a portal created by an ancient race of technologically advanced humans which allowed interplanetary travel. On top of that, he was waiting for part of his team – two members of which were from the Pegasus galaxy, the other from Canada – and part of the crew of a ship that had come back in time 500 years, so they could go to another planet and fix said ship. Really, between that and his pick of the hot chicks in the City, his life was pretty much a fantasy. Well, except for that part where the Wraith were out to get him… and the Genii… and the Olesians. Oh, yes, and he would never forget the encounter with the iratus bug. You know, come to think of it, his life was really starting to sound like some bizarre sci-fi show.
The others drabbled into the shuttle bay, Serenity's crew still in awe over the size and beauty of their temporary refuge. Shep's eyes met Kaylee's and they both blushed a little bit, the events of the previous night still brightly blazed into both of their minds. They had somehow made it back to his room after being caught like teenagers in a school janitor's closet, and… well, let's just say Kaylee didn't have to worry about running out of batteries that night (AN: Serenity shout out!). The only damper on their night was when they'd quite literally run into Elizabeth (it's really hard to watch where you're going when your face is glued to someone else's). She kind of looked like someone had kicked her puppy. Shep almost invited her to join them, but Kaylee had grabbed his hand and given him "the eye," bringing him back to the moment. He had a feeling Elizabeth was going to make him pay for his "indiscretion" eventually, but right now he wasn't particularly concerned with those consequences.
Turning back to the present, Shep did a mental head count. Mal, Jayne, Wash, and Kaylee from the Serenity crew were all there, as were McKay and Ronon from his team. He turned to Mal, "Are we ready to go? Do we have everything we need?"
"I believe we do, Col. Sheppard," Mal nodded.
"Then let's load up." The crews filed on to the ship, and once everything was ready, Shep tapped on his earpiece, "Dr. Weir, Jumper One ready for launch."
"You have your go. Come home safely, Jumper One." The voice he heard seemed a bit strained, but maybe he was imagining things.
(control room)
Smug son of a … Who does that Lt. Colonel Kirk think he is anyways! Elizabeth slammed down her headset, then berated herself for her lack of self-control. Men could just be so frustrating sometimes. Last night, she had received a page from Col. Caldwell, and on the way, who would crash into her but her second-in-command, who was doing a darned good vacuum-cleaner impression with that girl mechanic from the Serenity. She knew she must've been pretty transparent, 'cause she saw his face change. She could've sworn he was getting ready to invite her to go with them. She didn't know which pushed her buttons more – that he was going to ask her, that he didn't ask her or that she wanted him to. Then that tramp that he had known for a grand total of like two seconds, looked at him and grabbed his arm, and they were off again. And to top it all off, when she arrived on the Daedalus, Col. Caldwell tried to seduce her… in the engine room… with strawberries! She had to give the man points for creativity, but it was Caldwell, for crying out loud. What did a woman have to do to get some decent action around here? She thought back to her infirmary visit. Maybe Doctor Tam would appreciate some company.
Most people would probably be shocked and appalled to know what went on inside of Elizabeth Weir's brain. It was a defense mechanism, really. One of the curses of a brilliant mind was the ease with which she could become bored. You try sitting in negotiations for weeks on end with people who care about listening to each other as much as McKay enjoys talking about other people's accomplishments. Early on, she had adapted a public speaking technique to suit her purpose. She had started by picturing the parties naked, but more often than not, the mental pictures were more disturbing than the actual dialog she was phasing out. At those times, her mind would wander elsewhere. Since they'd been in the Pegasus Galaxy, she usually found herself ravaging Col. Sheppard on the conference room table in these mind meanderings, but after last night's encounter, Dr. Tam might be a suitable substitute—or Captain Reynolds. Speaking of Capt. Reynolds, they never did have their one-on-one debriefing. With that very vivid thought in mind, she smiled and walked back to her office to tackle her paperwork.
(back at Serenity)
"So, it's not too often I sit in this seat," Wash observed from the co-pilot chair. "It's kind of… odd."
"Maybe on the way back, I'll let you take a crack at the pilot's seat. This is a pretty sweet ride. The Ancient technology does a lot of the work for you. Really, all you have to do is concentrate on keeping it smooth. I usually just think of something cheesy like picturing myself like a… like a leaf on the wind, for example."
"A leaf on the wind?" Wash looked at Shep as if the lieutenant colonel was a few leaves short of a tree. "What kind of crazy niushu is that?"
"Hey, don't knock it 'til you've tried it! It really works!" Wash remained unconvinced, but filed the information away for future use. AN: (Mer's note: hah is evil) (hah's note: Duh! You can lynch me later-after Mer gets done whipping me – just finish reading the chapter first!)
"My baobei! Did you miss me?" Wash exclaimed as they came within sight of the crashed ship. "So, do we have a game plan for this little shindig?"
Mal, who had been observing their progress, answered, "I figure Kaylee and Dr. McKay can work in the engine room; you and I can take some repairs around the rest of the boat; and Col. Sheppard, Jayne, & Ronon can keep watch outside, just in case we have any unexpected visitors."
Shep nodded, "That works for me. Rodney will want to take a look at the engine to see what happened – see if we can't find a way to get you back."
Upon their arrival, the groups split off into their separate assignments. Kaylee & McKay found the engine room in the same state of disarray which they had left it.
"Shensheng de gaowan. I'd nearly forgotten how much damage she'd done."
"Oh, this is great," McKay blustered. "How are we even supposed to find the pieces to put this back together?"
"Not to fret, Dr. McKay," the bubbly mechanic replied, starting toward the pile of pieces River had put together. "I know this engine better than Jayne knows his weapons. She'll be up and shiny in no time."
"Are you kidding!" Rodney let loose his frustration on the girl. "This isn't shiny! Nothing about this is anywhere NEAR shiny! It's dirty and grimy, and… and I could SWEAR a bug just crawled up my leg!"
Kaylee stared at him as if his head had just grown to a size appropriate for housing his ego, "Whatever, Dr. McCranky. Do you want to take a look at this?"
Rodney sighed in exasperation, "Of course, I do." He started examining the pile of parts, many of which had been fused together by the explosion. "Are you always this cheerful?"
"Well, yeah, I guess so." Kaylee looked thoughtful and continued her examination of the engine. "The way I see it, there are a lot of bad things that happen in the universe, and dwelling on 'em won't make anything any better. So, I just look for the bright side of things."
"And exactly what about this whole situation qualifies as the bright side?"
Kaylee blushed as she thought about the events of the previous night. She could think of several examples, but didn't figure that Dr. McKay was really the person to share them with. "Well," she sputtered, "I met … all of you," her voice became steadier as she spoke. "Plus, we were about ready to be captured by the Alliance, and they would've done all manners of terrible things to Simon and River, so really," she smiled brightly, "it all worked out for the best!"
Rodney rolled his eyes, then noticed that Kaylee was about to pull a piece of from the mass of parts in front of him. "DON'T TOUCH THAT!"
Kaylee jumped back. "What? What'd I do?"
"In order to figure out what it is that happened, I need everything JUST the way it was." He waved her away. "Why don't you go… do something else until I'm done here."
With a final "wtf is your problem?" look, she left to find something else to do while the newly christened "Dr. McCranky" finished his analysis. Oh, yeah, that name was definitely going to stick. Passing through the kitchen area, she decided to see if there was any food. Maybe John would like some - oh, yeah, and Mal, Wash, Jayne, and Ronon, too. She put together a tray of tea and biscuits and meandered outside to share the spoils. First, she came across Ronon and Jayne, who were, of course, discussing their weapons and their favorite stories about using them.
"Would you like some tea?"
Ronon's super-sensitive ears suddenly tingled. There was something about her voice, but he just couldn't place it. He cocked his head to the side and stared at her. "You know, there's something really familiar about you. I just can't figure out what it is."
"Hm… Well, I'm pretty sure I've never been to the Pegasus Galaxy, and I've definitely never gone back in time before."
He gave her one last suspicious glance, then shrugged and went back to his watch.
"Jayne?" she offered him the tray. "Do you want something?"
If Ronon was suspicious of Kaylee, Jayne had already convicted her & found her guilty. "What the guay are you doin', Kaylee?"
"Nothin'," she shrugged, "I just had a few minutes, so I thought I'd bring out some treats."
After managing to convince Jayne of her pure motives, she sought out John, kinda hoping that they might misbehave a little. She found him easily and, after a quick refreshment, she convinced him of her very impure motives. Just when things were starting to go WELL, however, they heard a rustling in the foliage.
"Who's there?" John grabbed for his vest and weapon from where he & Kaylee had started their clothing discard pile, a bit embarrassed that he had almost literally been caught with his pants down. Kaylee backed behind him, grabbing her clothes and hurriedly scrambling into them.
"This is Lt. Col. John Sheppard of the United States Air Force. Show yourself or I'll be forced to shoot."
Both Kaylee and John did double takes as River Tam stepped out from the trees. To be caught by a stranger was one thing, but to be caught by River, who was unpredictable at best, was an entirely different matter. And there was the matter of …
"River, meimei, how did you get here?" Kaylee, now fully clothed, asked.
"I took a ride." River smiled as she approached the pair. She turned her attention to Shep and pointed below his slanty belt. "They're going to get cold if you leave the door open like that."
Shep blushed and fixed his zipper, the final evidence of their fooling around, then turned to Kaylee attempting to put his professional face back on. "Take her inside the ship. Since she's here, maybe she'll be able to help McKay figure out how the time travel happened."
Smoothing her hair back, Kaylee took River's arm and turned towards the door, but before they made it to the door, River stopped and crouched down with her hands clamped over her ears.
"They're awake. Our nightmares!"
"Who's awake, meimei?" Kaylee tried to calm her with a reassuring hand on her shoulder.
River's head snapped up and she stared into John's eyes before whispering, "The wraith!" Instantly, she began sobbing.
"River, what about the wraith?" he asked, completely confused. He would never understand women, he was absolutely sure of it.
"They're coming! It's too late!" River refused to be consoled. She sprang up and lunged at Shep, shoving him backwards with her open hand on his chest. "They're here!"
John licked his lips nervously (AN: drool), then looked at Kaylee uncertainly. "Is she for real?"
Kaylee's eyes darted from Shep, who was still too stunned to do anything about the girl attached to him, and River, of whom she was incredibly jealous (although admittedly, she would've preferred the shirt off and kept the pose in mind for the next time they were alone together). "Yes, John, I believe she is. She does have a funny way of knowing things that ain't happened yet."
Shep tapped on his radio, "We have wraith incoming, I need everyone inside now!" He practically pushed the two girls into the ship and collided with Wash and Mal, who were on their way out. "Didn't you hear what I just said? Get back inside now!"
"With all due respect, Col. Sheppard, we're not your crew, and we don't have to obey your orders. This ship is all I have. If these wraith are as awful as you say they are, we should fight them – try and defend ourselves. That's what I intend to do - defend my ship and my crew," Mal finished matter of factly.
"You don't understand. The wraith, they can beam you into their ships where they'll keep you until they're ready to feed on you… You know what, never mind, I have to get these girls inside. Do what you want." He muttered something about the questionability of certain aspects of their genetic lineage as he continued to corral the two girls toward McKay in the engine room.
"McKay, I need you to keep an eye on these two. Don't let them out of your sight. Keep working on that engine." He tapped his radio again. "Ronon, I need for you to try and get to the jumper and get it cloaked." He gave a quick nod as he received Ronon's affirmative response.
Frustrated at the situation, Shep ran his fingers through his hair, causing it to be more sticky-uppy than normal. "Okay, McKay, I'm going to go try and keep those idiots from getting themselves, and us, killed. Don't let these two out of your sight!"
"Wait!" McKay hurried over to Shep and spoke in a low tone, "How did Psycho Chick get here?"
"I don't know," Shep replied in a low, obviously annoyed voice, "but that's not your concern. Your concern is to make sure they're still here when I get back. Do you understand?"
Rodney practically pouted, "Yes, Colonel."
(outside)
By the time John reached Mal, Jayne, and Wash, the darts had already started buzzing the firefly and the bullets were flying.
"Watch out for the…" He was interrupted by the sound of the wraith beam sucking up the three men.
"Aw, crap," he muttered as he became its next victim.
(inside)
"Col. Sheppard? Col. Sheppard, are you there?" Rodney tried his team leader on the radio, but got no answer. He tried again. "Sheppard?" Still no reply. Turning to the girls, he barked, "Stay here. I'm going to go see what's going on. Just… just … don't touch anything!"
Once Rodney was gone, River turned to Kaylee, "They're gone, you know. Two scoops! Tasty dessert."
"You know we can't just stay here, right?" Kaylee received an eye roll in response. "Good, let's go."
Ditching the engine room, the pair reached the bay door just in time to see McKay disappear into the beam.
"They came back for the banana," River deadpanned. Kaylee grabbed River's hand and ran out to try and figure out what had happened. As a beam headed their direction, River stopped suddenly, causing Kaylee to turn around.
"Don't worry, Kaylee, the beam doesn't kill you. They prefer their food alive and screaming."
"Shiny."
