Notes: I was rereading "Cardcaptor Sakura: Master of the Clow" this weekend, and was reminded how much I adore these characters, even when they're slightly dubbed. I should point out that a few minor points are actually taken directly from the manga, but most tend to echo in the anime, so you might not even notice.
Chapter 6: Will and Testament
Spinel awoke to the familiar sensation of skilled fingers brushing lightly along his back. With a small growl of pleasure, he opened his eyes to find Tomoyo smiling down at him.
"Time to get up, my little Suppi-chan. We're going for a walk today."
He allowed her to get away with calling him that, mostly because she didn't do it to tease him; she just thought it was cute, for some ungodly reason he couldn't even begin to fathom. Unlike Nakuru, though, Tomoyo had the decency to use his proper name when he was in his true form.
Suppressing a little yawn, he flew up from the silk pillow she'd made him and landed lightly on her shoulder. "And where exactly are we walking, Daidouji-san?" he asked, trying to sound only slightly bored. In truth, he liked going anywhere with her, but could not bring himself to say so.
She tickled his chin with a finger. "I haven't decided. If it's not too hot out, maybe the park. We might even stop by the ice cream parlor."
"You know I shouldn't have sweets," he reminded her.
Tomoyo nodded. "I know. But I also know that like most people, you love to eat what you shouldn't have. And I feel like spoiling you today."
He smiled. "You feel like that everyday, Daidouji-san."
She smiled back, her eyes sparkling. "Really? I hadn't noticed."
Tomoyo thought she now understood why both Clow Reed and Eriol had created Guardians for themselves. Now that Spinel was her constant companion, she couldn't imagine how she had ever gotten along without him. While he was rarely as animated as Kero, somehow that made his rare smiles even more rewarding. Spinel was polite, thoughtful, and frighteningly intelligent in most people's opinions.
And people did have opinions, because Tomoyo had been taking Spinel everywhere. She had made few attempts to hide the fact that there was now a black panther with butterfly wings living with her. Most people just assumed that Tomoyo's family had easy access to such an animal, and that the wings were one of her more outrageous fashion ideas.
At Eriol's suggestion, Tomoyo returned to her own home every other week. As he pointed out, Spinel could hardly get used to looking after Tomoyo if they were always in the company of Nakuru and the reincarnation of Clow Reed.
Tomoyo was quite proud of the fact that her magic was now strong enough to support Spinel's true form for almost four days straight. It helped that neither Tomoyo nor Spinel had any reason to perform magic themselves, but that was beside the point.
But there was something else between them, something that had nothing to do with magic (at least, Tomoyo didn't think so). Spinel was so much like a person in the way he carried himself that Tomoyo had begun to see him as one, and not just some exotic pet. He was an individual with his own feelings, needs, and desires. At some point, she began to wonder about them. Most of all, she wondered if he preferred being Eriol's companion to hers. And there was really only one way to find out.
So she had taken him to the park, because she knew how much Spinel liked to sit in the sunlight and just bask, as if he had all the time in the world. She imagined that was part of what kept his fur so dark and silky, but had never dared to ask, in case he considered it a private matter.
Tomoyo waited, until they'd been stretched out on the grass for about twenty minutes, before finally breaking their shared silence.
"Spinel," she said suddenly, watching his head shift slightly towards her as it rested on his paws. "May I ask you something?"
His eyes drifted open lazily, but upon seeing the serious look on her face, he sat up at once, giving her his full attention. "Of course, Daidouji-san."
"Are you...happy with me?" she asked, studying his face carefully.
Spinel blinked a few times, as if he'd heard her wrong. "You mean, right now?"
Tomoyo fluttered her hand airily. "In general."
He closed his eyes, as if exercising great patience in that moment. "Daidouji-san," he said calmly, resting his head on her forearm, "if you had awoken my displeasure, then trust me, you would know it."
"A simple 'yes' would've been fine, too," Tomoyo pointed out with a small smile.
"Perhaps. But I am not a simple creature, as you know."
"Then...you don't miss Eriol and Nakuru at all?"
Still with his eyes closed, Spinel replied, "We have visited them frequently enough. I have not truly had the opportunity to miss them."
That made Tomoyo wonder, and suddenly, she had another question. "Spinel, what would you do if I died?"
She was amazed to see his head jerk up, as if he'd been shot. "What did you say?" he demanded.
"Calm down! It's a hypothetical question!" Tomoyo insisted, but she had noted the alarm in his eyes. It was the most emotion she had seen from him in a long time.
He continued to stare at her, as if he were afraid she would die in that instant. Finally, he asked as calmly as he could, "How would you die?"
She blinked, pausing to think of an answer. "I don't know. Suppose some evil sorcerer came out of nowhere and struck me down. What would you do? Would you...cry?"
That seemed to insult him. "No," Spinel answered firmly. "I would seek terrible, bloody vengeance. And when that was done, I would mourn my great loss."
"Where would you go?" Tomoyo asked softly.
"I suppose I would return to Eriol's service."
That got her attention. "What do you mean? You're still in his service, aren't you?"
"No, Daidouji-san. I am in your service. When Eriol gave me to you, he released me from my duties as his Guardian. I am yours now."
This took a few moments to sink in. When it finally did, Tomoyo sat up. "Are you saying that you're my Guardian now, for good?"
Spinel nodded. "Unless you release me, or give me instructions to follow upon your death, then yes."
"And you didn't have a problem with that?" she asked in growing surprise.
"Even if I had, I could hardly outright refuse Eriol. He was my Master at the time. Fortunately for all involved, I had no complaints."
"But didn't Eriol take better care of you than I do?"
Spinel frowned. "Eriol did not need to take care of me. If anything, I was created to take care of him, and make his life more interesting, if not easier. You, however, have been taking care of me." He paused, considering that, and added, "I must say I quite like it."
"Then do you love me?" Tomoyo asked.
He tilted his head slightly. "I am not sure."
Her face fell. "You mean you don't know?"
"You misunderstand me. I know the word, as well as the fact that it has many different meanings. Having never applied any of them to myself, what I am not sure of is which one you are seeking."
Tomoyo tried to rephrase her question. "How do you feel about me?"
"I have an extremely strong fondness for you," Spinel replied at once. "Stronger than the one I felt for Eriol, but that is expected."
"And why is that?"
"Your magic is strong, but it is also new, and you are not used to it. I suspect the real reason he gave me to you was so that I could protect you. Eriol could take care of himself, but you cannot, so I am responsible for you. If you were to die, I would've failed in my duty, and my life would no longer have any meaning."
"But that's not true!" Tomoyo cried.
"It is. If you died, I would shortly follow, even if Eriol took me back. I would waste away to nothingness. That is the fate of any failed Guardian without duties to carry out."
"I don't want you to waste away!" Tomoyo shouted, grabbing his head.
"Then you must give me instructions to follow upon your death," Spinel said. "What would you have me do, should I fail in protecting you?"
"I'd want you to be taken care of. I'd want you to go somewhere and live, not wait to die."
"Where?" Spinel asked simply.
"You could go to Sakura," Tomoyo suggested after a moment.
"I don't think that would be wise. She already has two Guardians."
"Then that leaves...Syaoran!"
Spinel gave her an odd look.
"What? He's got plenty of magic and no Guardians! And you're so serious, just like him. I bet you two would get along great!"
"And you think he would agree to this?" Spinel asked skeptically.
"I could persuade him," Tomoyo said confidently. "At any rate, it's only in case something happens to me. And with you, Eriol, and Nakuru looking out for me, what are the chances?"
"There are things that even magic cannot undo, Daidouji-san," Spinel whispered.
"That's why there are things like love in this world, Spinel," Tomoyo replied, laying her head on his. "So you can show people how much they mean to you before they're gone for good."
Syaoran was in the middle of a phone call when something tickled his senses. Frowning, he murmured, "I'll have to call you back, oneesan," and promptly hung up.
"That was very rude. You never hang up on a lady without giving a reason first."
He sighed and turned around. "I do hope this visit won't be like the last, Daidouji-san."
"I'm here to see you, Syaoran-kun. I need a favor."
"The way I see it, you owe me for talking some sense into you the last time."
Tomoyo did her best to ignore that. "Have you and Sakura made plans for a child yet?"
Syaoran was clearly caught off guard. "We're still considering our options," he said at length.
"Then what are your plans?"
"I don't know what you mean."
Tomoyo rolled her eyes. "I know you, Syaoran-kun. And I know Sakura. She never plans ahead. You do. What are your plans?"
"Why do you want to know?" Syaoran asked.
"I want to know if my suspicions are correct."
"Suspicions about what?"
Tomoyo hesitated. "If something should happen to you and Sakura-"
"You're on the list, Tomoyo. You always were. Is that why you came?"
"No," she replied with a smile. "Well, not totally. I want to put you on my list."
"I'm sure Sakura wouldn't have a problem with it."
"You don't understand, Syaoran-kun. I'm asking you. Not Sakura. She has enough to worry about."
Syaoran sighed. "You realize this would have more impact on me if you actually had a child."
"Oh, but I do."
His eyes widened only slightly as Spinel appeared behind Tomoyo. "What...how is he...?"
"Yes?"
"Before...I could always sense Clow's magic in him. Why is it that now, I can't-"
"Because he is no longer Eriol's Guardian. Well, he wasn't before, either. But as Eriol explained it to me, our connection is stronger because I'm supporting Spinel alone now. It's like a blood transfusion. There's more of this magic in him now than Clow's, so you wouldn't sense it anymore. Well, they're both Clow's magic, but this is an earlier form that supposedly even you wouldn't recognize as his." Tomoyo reached down and petted Spinel's head lightly. "Spinel is mine now. My child."
"You want me to look after him," Syaoran said slowly.
"I want you, if it becomes necessary, to support him with your magic."
"And he agreed to this?"
Tomoyo grinned down at Spinel. "I told you he was the same as you!"
Spinel grunted in a noncommittal sort of way.
"Are you sure you don't want to rethink this?" Syaoran asked.
"Spinel has become very precious to me, Syaoran-kun. I need someone I can trust to look after him. Sakura already has Yue and Kero, and then when you add all the Cards, well...I don't want to burden her any further." She paused and took a deep breath. "Will you do it?"
"Yes," Syaoran answered after a long moment. "But I accept this responsibility with the understanding that I expect never to have to actually perform this task." His gaze locked on Spinel. "Never."
"I have absolutely no intention of being inherited by you," Spinel growled.
"It's nice to see we're all on the same page," Tomoyo said happily. "There is...one more thing I wanted to ask, though."
Syaoran smiled. "You want to know why I didn't offer to support Keroberos and Yue after I became Sakura's husband."
"If it's none of my business-"
"I don't suppose it is, but I don't see the harm in telling you. We all saw the sense in it, but truthfully, they wouldn't leave her service for anyone else's, so long as they had a choice. I like to think of them as dumbbells, really. The longer Sakura successfully uses magic with supporting two Guardians, the stronger she becomes."
Tomoyo glanced down at Spinel. "Do you think that will happen for me, too?"
"Well, you won't be anywhere near as strong as Sakura, unless you have plans to take on Akizuki, too. And even then you'd still be outclassed. But if your magic is strong enough to support a Guardian now, then you've definitely improved yourself. Congratulations."
Tomoyo beamed at him. "I'm really glad you agreed to this, Syaoran-kun."
"You care about Spinel that much?"
"Not just Spinel," Tomoyo replied quietly. "I care about you, too. So if anything ever happened to me, I'd want you to be protected. Sakura may be powerful, but without you, she wouldn't be confident."
"Tell me. Is it the same for you and Hiiragizawa?"
Tomoyo seemed surprised by the question. "No, I don't think so. Eriol is always confident…at least, he seems that way."
"That's probably due more to Clow Reed's influence. But despite who he may have been in a previous life, you must remember that Hiiragizawa is still very much like you or me. He can make mistakes, doubt himself, even fall in love."
"I know that, Syaoran. But I don't see Clow Reed when I look at him. How could I? It would be like-"
"Living with a parent?" Syaoran supplied.
Tomoyo blinked. "Yes, actually. In fact, that was always the impression I got when he was around Sakura. Like he was looking after his child."
Syaoran nodded. "I know that, now. But I used to be jealous. I thought he was trying to win her heart, too. Yet, looking back, I wonder if he did that on purpose. Maybe he was just trying to force me to confess my feelings for Sakura, before it was too late."
"So you're thankful to him?" Tomoyo asked.
"Yes." Syaoran frowned. "And yet, he worries me."
"What? Why?"
"I would never say this to his face, mind you. But I think part of what makes Clow Reed's predictions so accurate is a thorough understanding of how people think. To that end, I think he may have even possessed considerable skill in manipulating them into his designs. I have no doubt that this is a skill that Hiiragizawa has nearly mastered."
"What are you trying to tell me, Syaoran-kun? That I can't trust Eriol?"
"Not quite. I'm saying two things. One, that rarely anything is a surprise for him. Two, be aware of your life. Daidouji-san, since I've gotten married, you've gained a Guardian and strong magic. I am not saying that this should bother you, but maybe it should. You are not Sakura, and you do not have her resources. Everything you've gained has come from Hiiragizawa. I just don't want to see you become too dependent on him."
Tomoyo seemed insulted. "I'm not-"
"How many years did you depend on Sakura for happiness? How long now have you depended on Hiiragizawa for the same?" Syaoran shook his head. "You were always so observant, Daidouji-san. Can't you see what's happened to the two of you? You've walked into the same situation that Sakura and I were in."
"What? It's not the same," Tomoyo protested.
"But it is. And it's not my place to tell you this, but someone has to, before things go wrong." Syaoran paused and nodded to himself. "Hiiragizawa loves you. Maybe he didn't at first, but he does now. I don't know if he just hasn't told you, or if you just haven't been listening, but it's there."
"You're wrong," Tomoyo whispered, shaking her head. "Eriol…he was just looking out for me. Being a good friend. He's not…he doesn't…"
"Ask Spinel," Syaoran challenged.
Tomoyo turned to her Guardian…and was surprised to see him looking away. "Spinel…?"
With a sigh, Spinel turned his gaze on her. "I won't lie to you, Daidouji-san. Eriol created me to be his companion. But it was clear to Nakuru and myself that he needed more. And, for some reason, of all the things that puzzled him, you were the greatest. He couldn't understand why you alone aroused such strong feelings in him. He couldn't understand how you could give your heart so freely to someone, knowing they loved someone else. And despite his best efforts, he couldn't make you see that he loved you, because you assumed he was just going along with your arrangement."
"It's exactly the same, Daidouji-san," Syaoran said quietly. "In all the time that I've loved Sakura, she never knew until I told her. Has Hiiragizawa said the words to you? And if he has, did you accept them for what they were? Or did you just assume it was fondness and nothing more?"
Tomoyo said nothing. The color had long since drained out of her face, and she looked as if she might faint.
"Eriol…loves me?" she whispered. "All this time? Even when I asked him to…?"
"Even then," Spinel confirmed. "He could hardly believe it. But what he saw as a blessing then has now become a hindrance. Slow, bittersweet torture."
Tomoyo lowered her head. "I…I don't know what to do."
"The same thing Sakura did," Syaoran offered. "You need to decide what you feel for Hiiragizawa."
Despite her charming ways, Nakuru understood that there were certain times when you had to boss people around a bit. People in general were a lot like sheep in her mind, and very few were above a good push every now and then.
She had been both surprised and delighted to find that this also applied to her own Master, from time to time. But while Eriol was a sheep, he was also a very knowledgeable one. The trick was to be both bossy enough that he did whatever she wanted, and charming enough that he didn't take offense. Fortunately, the body Nakuru had chosen for this particular incarnation was perfectly suited for being bossy and charming, and she'd gotten quite a bit of use out of it. If Eriol had any objections to the way she used it, he had yet to voice them.
So when Nakuru crawled into Eriol's bed and repeatedly poked him until he sat up, she knew perfectly well how he would react.
"Nakuru-chan," he said calmly, after retrieving his glasses from the nightstand. "I realize that you are a whimsical, impulsive creature. And while I must admit to having grown quite fond of and accustomed to many of your…experiments, I am afraid that this is one I have never quite enjoyed."
"Fix it," Nakuru demanded quietly, rocking back and forth while staring at him expectantly.
"Fix what?"
"Do whatever it is you do to make things better all the time. Quickly."
"I haven't the faintest idea of what you mean, Nakuru-chan."
Nakura bit her lip and looked away. "I don't like this."
"Until you start making sense, perhaps-"
"I can't feel Suppi anymore!" Nakuru cried, lunging across the bed and grabbing him by the collar. "Even when you sent him off with Tomoyo, he felt weird, but he was there! Now he's not, and I want him back! I want them both back! So fix it right now!"
Eriol closed his eyes. "That is no longer in my power, Nakuru-chan. While Tomoyo's magic does not exceed my own, it is still without certain limits that I applied to my own current powers."
"Can you find them or not?" Nakuru asked bluntly.
"Not without considerable effort. And I have a strong suspicion that that wherever Tomoyo and Spinel are, they do not wish to be found."
"Well, I WANT to find them. You made Suppi and me to be a matched set, and you need Tomoyo."
Something remarkably like pain flashed across Eriol's face. "It is only natural for you to feel a certain attachment to Spinel. But I would not consider my attachment to Tomoyo a need. She is more of a luxury."
Nakuru frowned at him. "Luxuries become needs when you can't live without them. Can you live without her, Eriol-sama? Would it even be considered living if she weren't with you?"
Eriol didn't answer her. Instead, he sighed. "Spinel is supposed to be the sensible Guardian."
"Like I said, he's not here. So I guess it falls to me by default. And I'd appreciate it if nothing else came to me by default, either."
"Very well." Eriol's face became blank, and his breathing slowed down for roughly ten minutes. Finally, he blinked and lowered his head.
"What?" Nakura asked expectantly.
"As I feared, Spinel is purposely masking his location. Probably at Tomoyo's request. I cannot locate them, much less bring them back here. They won't return until they're ready to."
"Why does he wait until now to be a good Guardian?" Nakuru complained, glaring at the wall.
"Nakuru-chan, they are safe, if not happy. Now that you know this, is there really any need to keep pursuing the matter? We cannot force them to return, as I have told you. Not even if we miss them."
"Can't you send up a beacon or something?"
"I suspect the only beacon Spinel would respond to now is one I would never care to send out."
"What does that mean?" Nakuru asked, already dreading the answer.
"One or both of us would have to be in mortal peril. It is something that Spinel could detect no matter where he was. The same would apply to us if Spinel were in danger, which is how I know he's fine."
Nakuru didn't say anything for a few seconds. She was carefully considering everything Eriol had told her. Finally, she turned to him and asked, "Is it in your power?"
"Is what in my power?"
"The ability to cause me mortal peril."
Eriol stared at her, eyes widening for the first time that she could recall. "You can't be serious."
"I need Suppi, Eriol-sama. You know I do; you made us this way. It's one thing if Tomoyo wants to skip town every now and then. But it's another if she might never come back. If Suppi never came back, I'd die, anyway, wouldn't I?"
"Not necessarily."
"Eriol-sama."
"Not right away, at least. I have no doubt that I could prolong-"
"It wouldn't matter if you could keep me alive or not. I wouldn't want to BE alive without Suppi."
"You don't know what you're asking me to do, Nakuru-chan."
"Yes, I do," Nakuru whispered, taking his hand in hers. "I'm asking you to kill me."
Next Chapter: Nakuru's plan forces some hasty decisions all around.
