Notes: I occasionally use dub names as jokes, because half of them are pretty funny. Just ask "Souppy"...

Chapter 8:

Discussing his problems aloud had seemed to help. At least, it had at the time. And it had been good to get out of the house again, if only for a little while.

However, upon returning to his home, all the problems seemed to return with new, frightening intensity, and Eriol found that he couldn't handle being alone. He had managed to drive away everyone, all by giving them what they seemed to desire. How could he have known that making them happy would result in his own unhappiness?

It worried him, how horrible he felt now. Was this what it was truly like to live for others, instead of himself? If so, he had no idea how Tomoyo had managed it for such a long time. But then, maybe she hadn't managed it at all. She'd needed him to be happy again, hadn't she? Would she return the favor, now that he needed her?

Not if Nakuru died, his mind answered. Not if he had killed her. And even if Nakuru lived, Eriol wasn't so sure it would've been enough. Spinel had no doubt finally told Tomoyo the truth, and she clearly wasn't ready to talk about it. Perhaps she never would be, and he'd lost her for good. If that was the case, well...there were several properties, scattered across the globe under unassuming names. He could hide from his troubles, if it became necessary. Even Sakura would be hard-pressed to track him down, if he really wanted to disappear.

That wasn't what he wanted, though. He wanted Nakuru to live, to smile, and to tell him things would get better. Even if they didn't, hearing her say it would've been enough for him. He wanted Spinel to know the rewards of having a human companion. Most of all, Eriol wanted Tomoyo's heart to heal. Even if it meant that he could never see her again, it would be worth it, to know that he had preserved her joy for anyone else.

Perhaps he was never meant to know true love. This arrangement had brought Tomoyo to him, and yet it kept her far enough away that she had never seen his feelings for what they really were. How could it not occur to her that her beauty, inside and out, would bring even a reincarnated magician to his knees? Probably the failure to win her best friend's heart had something to do with it, on second thought. Did Tomoyo really think of herself as being unlovable? Or was she just incapable of returning Eriol's love specifically? Honestly, he didn't know which would've been worst.

Eriol was so caught up in his thoughts, that he nearly missed the sound of someone practically kicking his front door open. There was no way that he could've missed the familiar spirited stomps as they scaled the staircase in a few bounds and raced down the hall towards him, though. They were much too loud, for one thing, and for another...

"ERRRIOL-SAMAAA!" Nakuru sang as she bounced into the room and flung herself at him, tackling him to the floor.

It all happened very quickly, and Eriol lost his glasses at some point, as well as the ability to breathe normally when Nakuru's powerful arms locked around his neck, trying to suffocate him with her affection. She would probably let go right before he began to turn blue, so he wasn't too worried about that part.

As he'd hoped, Nakuru did eventually release her hold on his neck. Unfortunately, she apparently had no intention of letting him up or helping him find his glasses, because she remained precisely were she was, effectively pinning him to the floor.

"It's very nice to see you, too, Nakuru-chan," Eriol said at last, with as much sincerity as he could manage.

"You weren't doing anything silly like blaming yourself while I was gone, were you?" she demanded playfully.

"Of course not."

She glared down at him, her face more than close enough for him to see her expression clearly.

"Maybe just a little," he admitted.

"Eriol-sama..."

He sighed. "It was my fault. I let you talk me into it, and-"

"And that's exactly why it's NOT your fault. In fact, I'll deck anyone who says different," Nakuru replied stubbornly, making a fist.

"Nakuru-chan, you don't have to do that."

"I want to, and I will. 'Cause I love you, silly."

Eriol blinked several times. "You...what?"

Nakuru grinned and gave him a peck on the nose. "See how easy it is? You humans always want to complicate these things, but you really shouldn't. Don't play mind games, don't say what you don't mean, and don't drop hints. Just say what you feel. Sure, someone might get hurt, but ultimately they can't say you weren't telling the truth. That's all that matters, I think."

"But I did say what I feel. Several times."

"Then keep saying it, until she gets the message. Or I could always sit Tomoyo down and hit her a few times."

"I highly doubt that would be productive at all, Nakuru-chan."

"Hey, most people would be glad to listen after taking a few lumps from me!"

"I can't allow you to hurt her."

"It wouldn't hurt for long. Just long enough to get her attention."

"I shouldn't have to bully Tomoyo into listening to me."

"No, YOU'RE not listening now. I'd do it for you."

"No. But...thank you."

Nakuru beamed at him. "I'm glad to be home with you, Eriol-sama."

"I...am also glad," Eriol said slowly. "But I would very much like to stand now."

"Oh, sorry!" Nakuru giggled, hopping off and tugging him to his feet. After a moment of searching, she carefully placed his glasses back on his face.

"Why aren't you mad at me?" Eriol asked quietly, looking away.

"There's enough people doing that right now. Anyway, you only did what I asked."

"You could've died."

"Then I would've done it in your service."

"I never would've forgiven myself."

"Then it's a good thing I survived, isn't it?"

"How DID you manage that?"

"I had a big breakfast," Nakuru replied with a wink. "Now, go wash up and put on some fresh clothes, so it doesn't look like you've been moping about. We have company."

Eriol tastefully decided not to mention that Nakuru's tackling him had only worsened the state of his clothing. "Company?"

"It's your life, Eriol-sama," Nakuru said simply. "Time to fix it."

"Must we?"

"Yes. Hard as it is to believe, I can't keep you entertained all by myself. I'd need a nap at some point, and then where would you be?"

Eriol found himself smiling at her. "Nakuru-chan...I've missed you."

"Of course you did," Nakuru cooed, patting his head. "I was gone, after all. But I'll never leave you again, Eriol-sama, so there's no need to worry. You're stuck with me."

"I think I can live with that."


"They've been up there for a while now," Tomoyo noted. "Maybe we should come back later."

"Nakuru wouldn't have insisted we come if she were going to keep him tied up all day," Sakura pointed out. "They no doubt had some things to discuss, too. You can use this time to think about what you want to say to him, and how you're going to say it."

"I don't think it's the type of thing that can be planned. At least, I can't plan it."

"Why not?"

Tomoyo smiled sadly. "How can you plan to break someone's heart?"

Sakura's face fell. "Why would you need to?"

"You can't tell? After what's just happened? Sakura, I...I can't be with him. Not the way he wants, anyway."

"I don't understand, Tomoyo."

"You wouldn't," Tomoyo said softly as she left the room with the start of tears in her eyes. "You never did..."


Eriol had just finished dressing when he sensed a familiar presence. "Enter, Spinel."

The door slid open behind him, and then shut.

"I imagine you're very angry with me."

"I was," Spinel admitted quietly. "But Nakuru threatened me with bodily harm, and I've come to see things her way. Almost."

Eriol closed his eyes. "You know I would never harm her, Spinel."

"I know. That you did...well, it only indicates how miserable things have become. I doubt even you can fix this mess, now."

"I have to try."

Spinel smirked. "Nakuru threatened you, too?"

Eriol smiled faintly. "She means well. We all did, I suspect. I just don't recall this being so difficult the first time around."

"I wasn't there, but I can guess why. You lived alone, isolated from humanity. There was no one for you to fall in love with, or to befriend. That is why you made the Guardians, after all. You needed the company. You still do. Perhaps giving me to Daidouji-san was a mistake."

"But it is one neither of us wishes to correct," Eriol sighed. "I've hurt her enough."

"I never realized you could hurt someone by telling them that they were loved," Spinel said.

"I think it's the way I love Tomoyo that's bothering her. She either can't accept it, or doesn't want to."

"Then what will you do?"

"We humans have a saying in times like these. 'If you love something, set it free. If it never returns to you, then it was never meant to be.'"

"I don't care for that at all," Spinel remarked at once.

"I know," Eriol whispered. "I'm afraid she'll leave for good, too."


Nakuru was busy fluffing pillows in one of several guest bedrooms when there was a peculiar tickle just above her hip. She carefully placed her hand on the spot, and found it surprisingly hot.

In the next instant, Syaoran appeared before her, on one knee and leaning slightly on Keroberos.

"Couldn't stay away, huh?" Nakuru teased, helping him up and guiding him to the bed.

"He claimed that being near you would shorten his recovery time," Keroberos answered. "But I think he's more interested in keeping an eye on Eriol."

"Then you might as well go downstairs and tell Sakura he'll be stuck up here a while. I'd bet anything she'll end up staying, too." Nakuru waited until the other Guardian had left the room before sighing. "You're a stubborn one, Syaoran. Normally, I might admire that, but in your condition, it just makes you thickheaded and annoying. And don't think I'm above binding you to this bed, either."

Syaoran managed to glare at her, despite how pale he looked. "Someone has to keep Hiiragizawa on a leash, and you can't be trusted with it. You're too close to him."

"It's my closeness to him that allows me to keep him occupied. You'd know that if you spent any time around us. But you'll be doing a lot of that now."

"Of course. I'm going to see to it that he-"

"No, I meant because I'm going to personally nurse you back to health," Nakuru interrupted, adjusting his pillow. "With Sakura's permission, but I don't think she'll mind, given our new connection."

Syaoran eyed her with some concern, and perhaps a bit of fear. "You can't be serious."

"Oh, I take the men in my life VERY seriously," Nakuru assured him with a smile. "First, I'll have to think up a proper cutesy nickname for you. It's just the way these things are done."

"I've never heard of anything so ridiculous as-"

"I know! I'll call you Siyo-chan!"

"Why do you hate me?" Syaoran sighed, closing his eyes.

"Oh, far from it!" Nakuru assured him, carefully covering Syaoran with a blanket. "I've become quite fond of you in the twenty or so minutes we've spent together. And now that you'll be staying here, I'm sure I'll only get to like you even more than I do, Siyo-chan."

Syaoran's reply was lost in a yawn as he turned on his side and began to snore quietly.

Nakuru smiled as she bent down to drop a kiss on his forehead. "Sweet dreams, Siyo-chan," she whispered.


Eriol was still trying to convince himself to go downstairs and face Tomoyo when someone tapped him on the shoulder.

"Hello, Sakura-san."

"How'd you know it was me?" she asked.

"A number of ways, none of which are truly important at the moment. You wanted to speak with me?"

"I assume you know what I want to talk about, too?"

"Nakuru or Tomoyo?"

"I suppose since Nakuru is fine now, we'll focus on Tomoyo."

"I'm simply going to ask her to make a choice," Eriol said calmly. "It doesn't matter what the choice is, so long as it is something she wants or needs."

"You're mot going to say anything else to her?" Sakura asked in surprise.

"No. I've said too much as it is," Eriol sighed. "Nakuru was right. No more complications. Simple and straightforward are best."

"But...what if she's already made up her mind about you? Don't you think you should try to change-"

"I'm starting to think that's what true love is, Sakura-san. Being willing to lose someone for the sake of their happiness. I'm glad you never had to go through that yourself."

"You shouldn't, either!"

"I thank you for your concern, but I believe this is for the best."

Sakura squeezed his shoulder. "I can't accept that you two can't be happy together."

"We can," Eriol replied as he pulled away and started down the staircase. "It's just that we can't seem to be in love at the same time."


The thought of fleeing returned to Tomoyo's mind as she stopped in front of Eriol's study. He wasn't inside presently, but he would no doubt come to her eventually.

This was where it had all began, she realized with a start. This was where she had come to Eriol and asked him. If only she'd known how he felt, she never would've put him through such torture.

But then, that wasn't exactly true. If Tomoyo had known then what she knew now, there was a very real chance that she wouldn't have asked Eriol to pretend. It was far more likely that she would've asked him out then and there, so that they wouldn't have to pretend. She had never in her life asked a boy out, but she would've gladly made an exception for one such as Eriol.

It was too late, however. So much had changed since that day, and Tomoyo knew they couldn't return to it, no matter how much she wished they could.

It had been so difficult to even pose the question to him. Would she really be able to say no to him now?

"Daidouji-san," said a voice in her ear.

Tomoyo whirled around, nearly tossing Spinel from her shoulder. "Oh! Spinel, I'm so sorry! I didn't hear you come up."

"I didn't want to disturb you," Spinel explained as he settled on her shoulder again. "May I wait with you?"

"Of course," she replied at once, smiling at him.

"Might I be so bold as to suggest waiting inside?" Spinel ventured.

"Why?" Tomoyo asked uncertainly.

"Forgive me for saying so, but you look like you need to sit, before you faint."

"Oh. That's a good reason," Tomoyo admitted with a weak smile. She slowly pulled open the door and went inside, heading straight for the very armchair she'd chosen that day. Being able to squeeze the material had helped somewhat then, and she could only hope it would still do so.

"Would you like me to leave once Eriol arrives?" Spinel questioned when she had made herself as comfortable as was possible at the time.

"No," Tomoyo whispered. "Please stay."

Spinel frowned a little, but nodded. "As you wish, Daidouji-san."

"Thank you, Spinel."

They sat in silence for a few minutes before the door opened again, and Eriol slowly stepped into the study.

Tomoyo was already very nervous about being in the same room as him. The fact that Eriol was also carrying his magical sun staff did not comfort her at all.

Eriol seemed to pick up on her feelings. "I apologize, Tomoyo," he said softly. "This staff...even when I'm not using it, it helps me order my thoughts. I am not certain, but I suspect it contains traces of Clow Reed's original magic."

Tomoyo stared hard at the staff, and gasped when she realized that it was radiating with dark power. "That staff...it has its own magical aura?"

"Some magical objects can absorb, or be infused with, the power of their creator. I cannot remember a time when I didn't have this staff. Perhaps Clow Reed created it for my use. Whatever its origin, I have precious memories of this staff. It has given me two loyal friends, peace of mind, and hope for the future. However, I do not wish for you to be distracted in any way during this conversation."

The staff instantly shrank in Eriol's hand, until it was the size of a key. He quickly slipped it into his pocket, and then moved to the armchair across from Tomoyo.

Neither of them spoke for a few seconds.

"Shall I begin, or would you prefer to?" Eriol asked.

"Whatever you think is best," Tomoyo replied.

"I believe my part would prove much more beneficial to us both if I had some idea as to your feelings on the matter first."

"Spinel told me that you loved me."

Eriol's calm expression did not change in the least. "I'm afraid you are mistaken."

"I…am?"

"You said 'loved', Tomoyo. Past tense. This is not the case."

"Oh," Tomoyo said quietly, at a loss for a few moments. "Then…your feelings haven't changed?"

"They have not. Although…I am currently re-evaluating how I choose to express them."

"What does that mean?"

"I should've found a better way to tell you."

"Under the circumstances, Eriol…I think hearing it from Spinel, after he became my Guardian, was the best way. Because I knew he wouldn't lie to me, and…then I had to believe."

"You are glad to have him as your Guardian?"

"Yes. I don't know what I would've done without him." Tomoyo gently tickled Spinel's chin with a finger. "I feel as if he…I don't know…"

"Completes you?" Eriol offered.

"Yes, that's exactly it."

"Then that is as it should be. As I had hoped it would be."

Tomoyo frowned slightly. "Did you…intend for me to have magic?"

"Not even in my wildest dreams. Once you did, however, I knew you would need a constant companion. You needed someone who could guide you into the world of magic easily. You are a good listener, and I do not doubt that Spinel benefited from your attention."

"But where does that leave you?"

Eriol smiled for the first time. "You need not be concerned, Tomoyo. Nakuru has proven herself capable of being my sole Guardian. I do not believe I could dismiss her from my service, even if I tried." He paused, his smile fading. "I did try, as you saw, and she refused to let go. I do not pretend to understand her reasoning, but I am convinced that she and I will be together for quite some time."

"Are you saying you could spend the rest of your life alone with Nakuru, and be…happy?"

"No. I'm saying I can, and most likely will, spend the rest of my life with Nakuru. Whether or not I am alone, or happy, does not factor into that result."

Tomoyo stared at him. "Don't you want to be happy?"

Eriol considered the question for a few seconds. "I want many things. But I am willing to settle for less." He blinked. "I would think you would know that. Why else would you be here?"

"Eriol, that's not-"

"Did you or did you not come here with the intention of telling me you don't return my feelings?"

Tomoyo couldn't bring herself to answer him.

"I will respect your choice, and I will no longer seek your affections."

Tomoyo was suddenly keenly aware of Spinel stiffening on her shoulder.

An instant later, Eriol was standing again, his gaze trained on some point beyond Tomoyo's head.

"I won't ask you to continue to stay here. Nor will I ask you to leave. If you should chose to do so, Spinel knows how to close the house off."

"Close the…?" Tomoyo's eyes widened. "You…you're leaving?"

"Yes. I have just become aware of some urgent business in a former residence of mine. I need to leave immediately if it is to be handled properly."

"You're going alone?"

"I doubt it. Nakuru will probably want to come along, and she'd have to bring Syaoran. In which case Sakura and Keroberos would be coming as well. It is completely up to them, though."

Tomoyo had an insane urge to ask if she was welcome to come, too, but suppressed it. He was leaving because of her, of course. There was no business, she just knew it.

"There is…one more matter that needs your attention, Tomoyo."

"Yes?" she whispered, not trusting her voice to remain steady at any greater volume.

"I am afraid I can no longer meet the terms of our arrangement."

Tomoyo waited for a reason, but none came, and after a while, she knew that Eriol wasn't going to offer one. "I understand."

"I can only hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Excuse me."

Tomoyo looked at the floor as Eriol quickly left the study. Why had he chosen those exact words? Did Eriol now think her heart so cold, that she was incapable of forgiveness? But then, what did she have to forgive? She was the one who had broken his heart. They'd barely even discussed Nakuru at all, and she did seem fine. And if Nakuru wasn't going to hold a grudge, how could Tomoyo?

"Daidouji-san," Spinel said quietly.

"Yes, Spinel?"

"Is this what you wanted?"

"No," Tomoyo murmured softly. "No, it isn't."


Eriol stared into the bathroom mirror expectantly. It was an ordinary one, and there was nothing magical about it.

This, however, was not a problem.

The face that stared back at him waited patiently.

"She doesn't love me," Eriol whispered at last.

"At all?" the face asked.

"It hurts. So much more than I expected. So much worse than I expected…"

"Is it unbearable pain?"

"I can't…feel this way any longer. I have to…to…"

"Come home."

The face in the mirror was older, wiser…peaceful. Serene. Knowing.

"How can I?"

"Come home."

"If I leave, I may never return."

"Come home…Eriol."

"I wish…"

"That she returned your love?"

"That I had stayed dead," Eriol whispered as he sank to his knees. "That I had never lived at all…" He whipped off his glasses as tears began to pour down his face. "If this…is meant to be my existence…I would gladly embrace nothingness again."

"Come home…my son."

Eriol looked up into the mirror. Though there should no longer have been a face in it at all, the face remained. It was waiting on his reply.

"You win, Clow," Eriol sighed, choking back a sob. "I'll come home."

"Your pain will end," the face promised as it faded, leaving him alone with his thoughts.

"If only that were true…"


Next Chapter: Eriol tries to escape his heartache, while Tomoyo begins to have strange visions.