Disclaimer: Wish I owned, but I don't. Maybe if I'm really good, I'll be reincarnated as M.L some day, but until then, I'm flat out of luck.
Wahoo. Chapter five! My goal for this story is one hundred reviews, so thanks to everyone for reviewing and helping me get there. Like I said, please LET ME KNOW if you want to see more of Karissa so I'll know whether to write my short fic. Anyway, reviews.
Badgerwolf: -Herald shudders- Yup, it gives me the definite creeps. Poor little Treet and his nasty family. Oh well, at least I got him out.
Fireblade: You're welcome. You were right, actually, they really helped the chapter and plot move along. Thanks for the advice.
Wizard: I'm not sure, myself. I guess by the time you read this, though, I'll know, so you'll just have to wait and see.
Breezefire: Yeah, that was inspired, although I admit I stole the idea from The Shadow Matrix by Marion Zimmer Bradley. The description was mine though, so thanks!
Tenshi: He is sort of a contradiction, I suppose. He's braver than he thinks. And yes, she likes him a little bit. I'm just hoping she won't spoil all my plans by killing him before we make it to Haven. Even people she likes are in grave danger of Karissa-bites most of the time.
Lurks in Shadows: Ok, I'll start writing my fic-let. Glad someone cares about her other than me.
Crinzin: -Herald grins- I was just kidding, I don't mind. Con Crit makes me happy too. Oh, very good point. I made up this whole character web, so I know exactly what he looks like. It didn't occur to me that you guys didn't. I think there's a little description in the first chapter, but I'll try to add more.
Desert Angel: Yay! Another new reviewer! -Herald glomps- Glad you like it. That seems to be my thing, pulling out little snippets of plot ideas from Mercedes Lackey's books and expanding them.
Whoa! Huge reviewage! I'm glad everyone is happy with my story. –Herald snugs her characters- Right, so, what will Karissa do when she wakes up? –Herald starts to bang head until idea comes-
Ugh. My writer's block is getting to unbearable states! I know exactly what needs to happen, and even how I want it to sound, but I'm having issues, and this tension headache is NOT HELPING! Because of this, my planned story about Veria and Karissa is on hold indefinitely. I will be slipping in some info about her background in this story though, for all interested parties, and I'll get to posting the story eventually.
Oh yes, and please excuse my playing a bit fast and loose with time and space in this chapter. Also, I know that Treet isn't a MindHealer, per say, but his Empathy is a little stronger than that of most Healers, so he can function as a MindHealer on an instinctive level, he will just never train as one. And one final thing, NO, Treet and Karissa are NOT in love and they will NEVER be together like that.
Chapter 5: Fears
The next morning, Karissa was the first to wake. For the first time in moons, she had awakened feeling rested, and for once the cursed nightmares hadn't haunted her sleep. Maybe they hadn't followed her this far out. Of course, that had never been a problem for them before.
Treet stirred. Karissa figured he would be awake soon. After all, it was nearly dawn, and he was probably in the habit of getting up early. 'Oh well, at least we won't be waiting around all day for him to wake.'
Karissa absently began to brew some tea and make porridge. If they were going to be in the saddle for most of the day, they would want a warm meal under their belts.
She wondered when she had gotten into the habit of considering herself and Treet as a 'we.' The only 'we' that Karissa cared about was herself and Veria. Everyone else died on her or left her.
Karissa expected to make a village by late afternoon. She had had only one to go on her circuit when she had been waylaid by the raiders, so after she did her usual round of Heraldic duties, she would be free to head home to Haven, which she hadn't seen for two long years.
No matter how few true friends she had there, or how little her life there meant to anyone outside of herself and Veria, just like every other Herald in Valdemar, Haven was her true home.
Karissa sighed. Hiding behind the mask of Heraldic strength, few people realized how unhappy Karissa was. She longed to reach out to people, fulfill the strong bonds of brotherhood that every other Herald seemed to base their lives around.
Karissa shuddered, clasping her hands around her knees. Her fear would be the end of her, she knew it. One day, she would wake up and there would be nothing left for her or of her. She would serve her country until she died and nobody would ever guess how empty she felt inside, how very empty and alone.
:Veria, what am I going to do?:
:Is it still so bad, Chosen?:
:It never goes away. I feel like it's going to eat me or something.: Karissa laughed, a hoarse bark that somehow turned into a sob before it had fully left her throat. :I feel like a little, frightened of the dark.:
Karissa had the feeling that Veria had put comforting arms around her. :I had no idea that it was still this bad, love. I could feel it, a little, but I thought you had left it behind you.:
:No, never. The nightmares follow me everywhere I go. I see her face, over and over again. And then you're there, only you're dying too. Everything dies! They all leave me, Veria. Everyone I love leaves me, so I can't love anyone.:
:You love me, Chosen, and I'm not going anywhere.:
Tears leaked silently down Karissa's cheeks, the accumulation of ten years of hiding behind her hard shell.
:I thought I didn't need anyone, but I was wrong, I'm so very lonely and alone.:
:Everybody needs somebody, love.: Veria said gently.
At that moment, Treet stirred and opened his eyes. As he sat up, rubbing his eyes blearily, he looked around for Karissa. He did a double take, not believing what he saw. Karissa, the strong, the brave Herald who had rescued him, sort of, was sitting in the middle of the floor weeping into a pot of porridge.
At first, Treet thought he was imagining things, but the waves of emotion, despair and terror battling for precedence, convinced Treet that this was no fever dream or vision. Karissa was obviously upset.
As quietly as though he were stalking a rare and easily frightened bird in the forest, Treet padded over and sat down gently beside Karissa, not daring to touch her, but offering his silent support all the same.
To his surprise, he felt a bond to the older Herald. She was exactly the opposite of him. Strong, self-assured, invulnerable, or so it had seemed to Treet. She was like another mother, or an older sister.
"Herald, what's wrong?"
Karissa recoiled from the offered sympathy in Treet's voice. She tried to sniff back her tears, pretend that nothing was wrong, but her body defied her best efforts, and the tears kept streaming down her cheeks.
Suddenly, uninvited, Veria offered an idea.
:Tell him, Chosen. He's a Healer, or he will be, he's certainly one of the strongest Empaths I've ever seen without training, and maybe he can help.:
:Him? What could he do?:
:Did you have your nightmare last night, Karissa?:
:Well, no, but what does that have to do with anything?:
:He got rid of it for you, I think. You were keeping me up with the distress in your mind, you do, sometimes, when I'm too tired to block it out, then, suddenly it ebbed and I could feel him doing something. I think he fixed you.:
Throttling her immediate urge to grab Treet by the shoulders and demand what he thought he had been doing mucking around in her mind, Karissa demanded softly to know what he had done.
:Nothing harmful, I was watching, I would have stopped him. He just took away your nightmare, and it certainly worked. If you can't trust him, trust me, at least. You can't lie mind-to-mind, as well you know, and I think it will be helpful for you to tell him.:
:Oh all right. But, I've never told anyone before.:
Responding to the unspoken plea for support that Karissa would never allow herself to speak aloud, Veria replied.
:I'll be right here, Chosen. I won't drop the link. I promise, I'll be right here beside you, love. You can do it, and if he can make you feel better, it will all be worthwhile.:
Karissa took a deep breath, trying hard to relax. If she had learned anything at all during her years of Collegium training, it was that when a Companion was this sure of something, it was a good idea to listen to them. Besides, if she couldn't trust Veria, who could she trust?
Karissa turned to Treet, who had been waiting patiently, barely having moved a muscle. She opened her mouth, trying to find the words.
"Treet, I'm going to tell you something. This is hard, I've never told anyone this before. I know what you did last night, and, umm, thank you, I guess. My Companion, Veria, she says maybe if I tell you my story, about the thing that happened to me, you can fix it so that my nightmares go away. Don't worry if you can't, but I've never let anyone try before, and, well, could you?"
Treet hesitated a second before replying "Of course I'll try, Herald."
"Alright. I'm going to start now. I'm going to do it. And for Haven's sake, once I get started, don't SAY anything. If you make me stop I'll never get started again."
Treet nodded, rather than interrupt her, as her emotions seemed to be weaving into a more complicated mess by the minute. Along with the terror and misery warring within her, another kind of fear was springing up, a general anxiety about telling the tale that had obviously been festering within her.
"When I was a little, I had a friend named Sari. We did everything together. They-my parents- said we were like twins. Then, one day, she started to get sick."
Treet closed his eyes tightly, trying to regain his wool imagery from the previous night. Now that Karissa was actually telling the story, he could see clearly which parts of the knotted tangle that was her were actually related to it.
Instead of smoothing it out completely this time, Treet tried to untangle the largest knots, inserting his newly found Gift between her and her fear and pain. He figured that if he moved the huge tangle that was in her way, Karissa's strong personality would allow her to fix the problem herself, even without the benefit of Treet's Gift.
Karissa's breath started to come in short pants and jumps. She had played over the story in her head, waking and sleeping, but saying it out loud made it real, took back all the distance that Karissa had put between herself and it in the ten long years since it had happened.
:Steady on, love, you're doing fine.: Veria said reassuringly, obviously listening to what Karissa said. Veria had respected Karissa's unspoken wishes and not delved too deeply into her mind for the story. Veria could see now that this had been a mistake, but with any luck, it would be corrected now.
"My parents never told me what was happening. They sent me out to play while they had long talks with her parents. I guess it was never the right time for them, but one day it was too late. I walked into her room, we were going to, to play outside. I walked in, and she was so pale looking. I walked up to the bed, and I took her hand and it was cold and stiff."
Karissa shuddered in revulsion.
"I didn't know. I didn't know that she was, that she was."
Karissa could feel her throat clogging with more tears, and all of her old terror of death returning a hundredfold.
"They never told me she was dying. And she was. She was dead, and she was never coming back. They say there is something after this, that we go on to the Havens, but I don't want to go alone, or be left alone waiting. I'm always alone. I was so scared, and they all thought I knew what was happening or something, only I didn't and I was scared. Everyone dies, you see, Treet. They all die. Everyone leaves me."
Karissa's eyes were red-rimmed and wild, her short hair tousled and sticking up.
"If I love someone, or let them love me, they will leave. I can't bear the pain. Heralds are supposed to be strong and brave, but I can't stand it! It hurts so much, so much, but it hurts just as much to have nobody."
"You see, Herald. Even you know it." Treet said, not knowing where the words came from, but knowing that they were right. "It is better to have people beside you and suffer the pain than to never have anyone else to share your pain with. I never had anyone, Herald. Only my mother, and she wasn't exactly a friend, much as I loved her. I know how you feel, and I know it's hard. People are scary, relationships are scary, but I think they are worth it."
"I know, Treet. I really think they might be. I would like to try, but I'm too much of a coward."
"You aren't a coward, Herald. You are the bravest person I know. You saved me, and you have a Companion, which means that she, at least, thinks that you are worthy."
"Oh Treet. Maybe you're right. I don't know. I feel different, at least. Did you try and fix it?"
"Yes, Herald. I did my best. I guess you can't get rid of something like that, a little of the fear will always be with you, but you should be able to sleep without the nightmares now."
:You see.: Veria interjected. :What did I tell you, love? He made a start, anyway.:
:Yes, I guess he did. I owe him for that.:
:Well, you can start by getting him to Haven. In case you'd forgotten, Kari-love, WE have a circuit to finish.:
:Yes, Veria, we do. First, though. Treet was right. I should stop being afraid of letting myself love people, shouldn't I?:
After her years of training, Karissa knew full well that she still had some shields around her innermost mind. Unlike most Heralds, she had never fully allowed her shields to go for the second bonding that most Herald pairs experienced to cement their Bond.
Holding the link with Veria, Karissa carefully lowered the last of her shields and embraced Veria with her whole mind, wincing a little at the vulnerable feeling. Soon, though, that sensation was lost in the overwhelming joy and love that she felt. She hadn't gone all the way towards solving her problems, but she had at least made a start.
Her last coherent thought, before losing herself entirely in the joy of bonding fully with Veria was "I'll never be alone again."
Once, the thought would have filled her with dread. Now, though, there was only a drop of fear to tinge her joy, and that too was fast ebbing.
