第9話
Chapter Nine
活きる?
To Live?
There's some part of me that knows that the answer lies just beyond my fingertips. I know that I could knowthe whole truth now, the whole horrible truth right this instant, but….but the truth is…I kind of don't want to remember. I'm happy now. I'm here with Hiei. I could forget that anything other than him existed, I could continue as if nothing had ever happened. I could, but I know I could never let myself. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I chose to ignore that hidden part of me. And so, that's why, today, for the first time in my "new" memory, I'm leaving this place and going …home.
Sure, I remember living there with Shiori. I remember that I went to school there, but…it's all very unclear to me. It's almost like I remember only what is absolutely necessary to me, like I'm looking through a pane of glass that has been scratched so badly that I can only see shapes that are half there. This is a very big step for me, to go back to the place…the place where we were last together, but I feel comforted because Hiei is going to be living with me for a while.
Hiei living with me is another big step also. Every since that one night, I can't stop thinking about how much I really do love him. He means a lot to me…and now he's the only thing left in this world that I love. Even though he has brought me so much happiness, I can't help but feel depressed. Even though I'm with him, his arms wrapped tight around my body, I can't help but feel this sadness that festers deep in my heart, disabling me from being truly happy.
It's a bright day outside, slightly chilly as it usually is the fall. I shiver slightly and pull my thin jacket together around me. Hiei stands beside me, his fingers interlaced with mine, comforting me. He doesn't look cold at all. Then again his body must be used to the chill…
We're standing in front of my house now and I gaze silently up at it. This place…just looking at it sends all kinds of distorted memories jostling through my mind. Everything is so familiar, but at the same time so new. I can tell Hiei notices by the way my hand clenches his tighter. I feel his fingers gently brush against mine, trying to calm me. Whoever said Hiei was uncaring was very wrong.
I smile down at him and take a deep breath, preparing to take a step back into the place where…all of this began. The door creaks open, my hand gently leaves the doorknob. Hiei lets me enter first, though he retains his hold on my hand. He understands. This is my battle to be fought and he'll be there to help me, but he can't fight it for me.
The place looks tidy, almost too tidy. I can tell it's been furiously cleaned, but I still smell just a scent of blood. The stench is radiating from the kitchen. I feel myself begin to shake but I don't let my face show my unsteadiness. I can tell Hiei's not buying it. I close my eyes for a second and relax.
'It's only a faint smell…it will fade with time…' I mentally reassure myself. If it were not for that I don't know how I would be able to live in this house.
We move quickly past the kitchen. I can tell that Hiei doesn't want to linger there long, and personally, neither do I. I stopped as we reached the living room, gazing around.
Things look so…normal. Everything looks as if nothing had ever happen, as if the horror had never really existed. I brushed my fingers over the top of the table, coating my fingertips in a thin layer of dust. My eyes travel immediately to the pictures mantelpiece near the wall.
There she is, holding me when I was a baby. Her eyes look so happy, so bright…so alive. Staring at the picture, it's hard to believe that woman who looks so vibrant with life…is now so very dead. My fingers graze over the layer of protective glass that separates us, forbidding me from touching her image.
At this point I don't cry. My eyes don't water. My hands don't shake. My expression doesn't change. At this point, I'm past all that. I'm broken inside, far beyond anyone's control. The sadness that I feel is greater than a thousand million tears, stronger than a hundred million sobs.
And yet, I still have to live. I still have to try and be normal. I have to continue this life. Only my friends are going to cut me some slack. The world could care less about my problems. I can only stay in Hiei's protective arms for so long before becoming weak.
Just because I'm hurting doesn't mean they aren't more demons out there to be fought, more lives to be saved. It doesn't mean, just because I've been scarred, that automatically everyone's going to take that into account, to give me a break.
I'm not going to hide forever in this sadness and let it eat away at me. I look into my mother's eyes once again and I know just why she is happy. She has me, her son. She is looking forward to seeing her son's dreams and aspirations grow, she is waiting for the smiles, the laughs, even through the hard times.
The worst thing I could do right now is to let this consume me. I would be letting her down. It would break her heart if she knew just how much that I was suffering. I owe it to her to live my life, my new life with Hiei.
I'm not ever going to forget, that would be impossible. The memories will always haunt me, but by embracing them, by looking at what the past truly is, I can move forward and make a new path, one in which I won't fail again.
Feeling my emotions steady, I turn and look at Hiei. Brushing my hand against his cheek, I gently pull him in for a soft kiss.
"I won't ever fail you…" I whisper and laugh at the confused look on his face.
Holding him in my arms, I finally begin to feel that this life has some real meaning in it. Now I know that I can truly begin to live again.
Author's Notes:
This chapter was a bit shorter so I'll add some review responses at the end. Gomen nasai! (bows repeatedly) I had some new ideas for this story. This was the end of the first section (not the end of the story..). There just seems to be a definite conclusion here. Anyway, as you could probably tell the first part of MOF was Kurama struggling with his regaining his memories. The second will be Kurama coping and starting his new life with Hiei, and the third will be...hehe.. wouldn't you like to know? Anyway, it's gonna be something good! .
Reviewer Responses:
YamikiofAnime: You shall see the answer soon enough... (evil laughter) or maybe... not.. (smiles)
aura-chan the neko-jin: thanks yous for your manyreviews!
Ilikeyaoi: arigato for the review!
Su da 'mazin bannana eater: I like lemons too. They are very nutritious, aren't they?
ForeverFornever: don't worry, i don't plan on giving up on this story. I'm really starting to like it. .. it just might take me a while to get around to finishing it.. . (runs away)
Ninetales122: I know what you mean. I have a hard time finding good stories too! The only way Mary-sue's are fun, is if you're the one writing them. I don't think they should post them on don't like original characters very much either. I just like readingHieixKurama goodness!
Candid Ishida: thank you.I really like the stuff that you'rewrite and it makes me happy to think that you like my stuff too.
Hatoko: thank you for the praise (humbles herself)
SweetMisery1: yesh. i will try to get chapters up quickly
Shuichi Minomami: the inner fangirl can be a terribly scary thing if allowed to grow too much... hehe... i feel sorry for the bishonen out there...
sisko66002: thank you. i hope i continue to entertain you
Nasa Ow/d Maxwell: yesh. foxes + lemons yummy
Dark Chalice: thanks for the review! ...a kurama without a hiei would be a sad thing
karasu: doomo arigato gozaimasu for the review
Dragon-Inu-hanyou: yaoi is good! (licks lips). i'm glad you liked it
Whatcallmyself: Yay! I managed to update in less than seven months!
Seika: I'm glad you think it's so good. Thank you.
2Lazy2Login: hehe. there you go. i updated. (smiles)
Youko Kara: i love sweet stories too. .
rebekah: . I updated. thank you for the review
Catty: thank you for your review. It made me feel happy!
有り難う皆さん
Thank you everyone
