Chapter 2: Nasty News
Back on DK Island, in the heart of the jungle, there was a house in the shape of a barrel. As if that wasn't bizarre enough, this house was outfitted with such add-ons as sparking antennas and a chimney - the kind of toys a mad scientist might have lying around in his lab… the sparking antennas, that is. And the mad scientist who lived here was none other than Cranky Kong, the eldest, wisest, and, of course, the most cantankerous, old primate to grow a beard to the ground. Truth be told, mad science was a hobby he had picked up only recently when he had grown bored of his other hobbies: playing video games, napping, and whacking people with his cane. Fortunately for him he had everything at hand for this latest venture, including spare parts taken from K. Rool's mechanical creation, KAOS, suspicious ingredients, and a willing but clueless assistant named Chunky Kong.
At the moment, however, he was doing without his willing but clueless assistant. He had sent Chunky Kong into the jungle to collect some pollen and he hadn't returned yet. It was long past time for him, according to Cranky's old bones, and it was starting to worry him. After all, if he didn't get that pollen soon, his concoction would set and it would become useless.
"Where is that brainless oaf?" Cranky grumbled. He turned to Squawks the Parrot who was perched on the windowsill and said, "See if you can find him. Hopefully he hasn't gotten himself lost again."
"SQUAWK!" Squawks answered and then turned and leaped out the window.
Cranky eased his weary old bones into his rocking chair to wait for Squawks to return. After a while, he eased his stiff hindquarters out of the rocking chair to hobble about the room while he waited. Some time after that he ventured outside for a bit of fresh air while he waited for Squawks to return with Chunky.
It was finally after an interminable amount of time in which Cranky discovered cold fusion, invented a cure for the common cold, and beat his own high score in "Donkey Kong" (the original) that Squawks returned, and he was in quite a state.
"SQUAWK! It's terrible, Cranky! Terrible news! BRAWK! Chunky's been ape-napped!"
"He's been what!" Cranky slammed his cane on the ground. "What kind of buffoon would go and get himself kidnapped? Has that boy no common sense? He could've had the decency to bring me my ingredients first!"
"Not joking, Cranky, BWARK! Chunky's been ape-napped! By the Armys!"
Cranky sighed in exasperation and stroked his beard. "Blast those Armys - still trying to take control of the island. Fine. Better go get Donkey and let him know what's going on. He can go get Chunky back. While you're at it, let the others know, too. If I know that banana-brain, he's going to need all the help he can get."
"SQUAWK! But Cranky, the others were ape-napped, too! I heard the Kremlings talking to the Armys about it. They were caught sneaking on board their giant metal ship."
Cranky slammed his cane against the ground again. "Did you say Kremlings? Why didn't you say so before, you chattering bag of feathers!" He jabbed his cane at the parrot. "Go get Donkey and bring him back here - unless he's been kidnapped, too?"
"Right away, Cranky!" squawked Squawks and shot out the window like a cannonball. Donkey Kong was in for a rude awakening - metaphorically speaking.
To clarify, he was already awake and doing his usual morning exercises while listening to his favorite radio program. His plans for that day included picking the choicest bananas, taking a dip in the swimming hole, and then teaching Chunky how to wrestle. Sadly, these best-laid plans were destined to be blown to smithereens by the green feathered cannonball that collided against the poster of his love interest, Candy Kong.
"BWARK!" squawked the cannonball in protest before plopping to the floor. Donkey, who had taken cover beneath the hammock, came out to see if he was all right, but then the cannonball named Squawks leaped into the air again and began bwarking urgently.
"Terrible news, Donkey! RAWK! Kongs have been kidnapped! Need your help! BRAWK! Cranky wants to see you! SQUAWK! Hurry!" And then he shot outside again, leaving a wake of green feathers, which made Donkey Kong sneeze. Quickly gathering his wits, Donkey chased after him, leaping off his treehouse and running as fast as his feet and huge arms could carry him. He barreled into Cranky's lab, knocking over an anatomical model of a Necky. He hastily righted it again.
Cranky barked making Donkey jump, "Took your sweet time getting here! Still shaking off the morning fatigue? Well, look lively, boy, we've got a situation and you're going to fix it!" The old primate began pacing. "I'm sure Squawks told you what's happened? About your friends being kidnapped?"
Donkey bobbed his head.
Cranky grunted and then said, "Good. Now I want you to listen closely - clean out those ears real good 'cause I'm not going to repeat myself - but here are the facts as we know them: your friends went to the shore to investigate a suspicious noise but they don't return and Chunky went into the jungle to collect ingredients for me and he doesn't return either. While Chunky getting lost isn't unusual, the others going missing at the same time makes it more than a tad suspicious. Now I send Squawks out to find them and what does he tell me when he returns? That they've all been kidnapped! He sees Chunky taken by the Armys on the eastern end of the island and then he hears talk about how the Kremlings caught the others sneaking aboard their ship… are you following me, boy?"
Donkey bobbed his head overenthusiastically though he was too worried about his friends to really pay attention to what the old ape was saying. Cranky could be a bit temperamental when he thought he was being ignored, and Donkey didn't want to waste time listening to Cranky complain about how things were done "in his day" while the others were being held captive by the Kremlings… wait, the Kremlings?
Cranky nodded sagely. "Figured it out, did you? Yep, it means that K. Rool is back and no doubt wants your hide for all those times you whupped him. You're just lucky he's dumber than you, otherwise he'd have you strung up already. How he managed to capture your friends is something I'll never understand, but whatever the case, you'll need to bring them back and put a stop to whatever that overweight reptile has planned. Follow me closely, Donkey. That's six Kongs…" he held up six fingers.
"BWARK! Actually, Cranky, sir, it's four," Squawks corrected. "Dixie and Kiddie are still on vacation since the last run-in with K. Rool… at least, I hope they are."
Cranky huffed. "Well, that's two less Kongs to worry about."
Donkey counted on his fingers, held up four of them for Cranky to see he understood, and then turned and started to hurry out the door.
"I WASN'T FINISHED!" Cranky bellowed, hopping angrily. When Donkey came meekly back inside, he continued, "You, you little whippersnapper," he punctuated this with a rap on Donkey's head with his cane, "need to learn some patience! Now then…" in a calmer voice he continued, "the reason I called you in here is to let you know that I'll be accompanying you on this little rescue mission."
The stunned silence that followed was deafening. Donkey had an expression of perplexity on his face - something that came naturally to him, considering his mind never contemplated anything more sophisticated than whether it was easier to peel a banana from the stem or the bottom. Squawks's beak gaped and he almost fell out of the air in the moment he forgot to flap his wings.
"As an authority in the field of advanced chemistry," said Cranky as though nothing had happened, adjusting his spectacles importantly, "I'll be supplying you with supplements that will bolster your natural talents, which you will need to take on K. Rool and his minions."
Donkey's only reply was to scratch his head perplexedly.
"Well, don't just sit there like a useless lump of fur, gather up my things and let's go!"
…
Five minutes later, the two of them were heading into the jungle, Cranky taking the lead despite his age while Donkey jogged behind him with much of Cranky's lab on his back, which explained why Cranky was ahead. Every so often, the old ape would snap at Donkey for being too slow.
"What's taking you, lead feet? Old Wrinkly could run faster than you, rest her soul. Come on, pick it up!"
Donkey did his best to keep up, but a few moments later he just had to stop to rest. Cranky heard the rattle as Donkey sat down and he barked, "There's no time for resting! We've got your useless friends to rescue. Could already be too late by now, K. Rool could have them…"
He didn't finish whatever horrible scenario he had thought of to horrify Donkey with for that's when they heard the underbrush rustling. Something was coming toward them and it wasn't being very subtle about it.
"Up and at 'em, Donkey! Sounds like trouble!"
