Chapter 3: A Sinister Scheme
"Get ready!" Cranky barked, raising his cane in an offensive position.
Donkey dropped the gear on his back and scanned it for anything that might be used for a weapon. A pair of metal wires spread into a "V" caught his attention and he snatched it up. They didn't look to be effective as clubs; in fact, one good hit would snap them in two - or four as they were already in two - but Donkey knew from experience that they packed an electrically charged punch powerful enough to burn off the hair of a rhinoceros… what little it had. He himself had once gone two whole weeks without his beloved cowlick while the other Kongs had teased him mercilessly about it. With this in hand, he took position next to the old Kong, readied himself in an offensive stance, and waited.
Something long and sinuous burst out of the trees with a yell. Cranky gave a howl and charged forward with his cane while Donkey thrust his weapon forward.
The creature fell on top of him, snapping the wires. It grunted in pain but not as much as Donkey had when he had touched the wires, which told him that they hadn't worked. He abandoned them, gripped the thing in a bear hug, and rolled over it, pinning it to the ground with his heavy body.
"W-w-wait! What's the big idea! Get off, you big lug!" the creature wheezed.
"Git 'im, Donkey!" howled Cranky, dancing up and down and waving his cane. "Give him a left hook! Give him a right hook! Give him a knee to the kidneys!"
"No, wait! Lemme go! I've got a deal for you! A trade, see?"
"Don't listen to him! He's trying to distract you! Just whale on him! Give him the old one-two!"
But Donkey decided to pause and study his opponent a little. It turned out the creature was a weasel with greasy orange fur, dirty blue coveralls, and shifty black eyes. As Donkey held him down, he twisted his body and wheezed with exertion. "I've got information for you if you let me go… juicy information… trust me, you'll be glad you listened."
"Is it about the other Kongs?" Cranky barked. "Because if it is, we already know they've been kidnaped. We just so happened to be on our way to rescue them now… and whup some Kremling tails while we're at it."
"Kidnaped, eh?" said the wheezy weasel. "That's news to me. I've got better news than that… or should I say worse news since it means bad news for you."
"What the devil are you talking about?" squawked Cranky.
"Well, I'll tell you if you tell this big ape to get off my back." The weasel tossed his long snout at Donkey.
"Hmph!" Cranky slammed his cane against the ground in irritation. "Fine! Donkey, let him up. But no funny business," he directed his cane at the weasel and waved it in admonishment, "or I'll have this knucklehead twist you into a pretzel."
"Scout's honor," said the weasel as Donkey stepped away from him while keeping a suspicious eye on him. The weasel smoothed back the fur on his head and then tugged his front. Once he had dusted himself off, he gave a short bow. "Well, now that we're square, allow me to introduce myself. Snide's the name and I'm in the business of heavy duty mechanical engineering."
Cranky waved his hand in impatience. "Good. Great. Pleased to meet you. Now, what was that nonsense about bad news for us?"
Snide slid his hand back against his head and sniffed impertinently. "I'd be nicer to me if I were you. I've got information that could save your lives and your cozy little pad here." He waved his hands at the trees and then continued, "You know K. Rool, don't you? 'Course you do. You go way back. Well, the old bag of guts has a nice little surprise for you: a big blaster to zap your island into a big puff of smoke. Poof!" He clapped his hands emphatically.
Donkey howled in terror, Squawks cried, "Oh no! That's terrible news! BWARK! What do we do?" and Cranky snapped, "Hogwash!" When they all looked at him, he said, "That's nothing but a bunch of hooey! A big blaster to zap the island, ha! That clueless reptile ain't got the brains to build a toaster! Much less an island buster."
"That's because he didn't," Snide said, rubbing his finger against his nose. "I built it. Thought it'd make me a pretty penny, but then the paranoid old fool locked me up… didn't give me a single coin! So now I'm taking back what's mine… that's why I came to you."
He barely finished his sentence when Cranky ran up to him and leered up in his face. He jabbed his cane threateningly, forcing the weasel back with his hands in the air in surrender. "You built a machine to destroy our home? Why I oughta beat you senseless, you slimy, greasy, gutless slick-talking…"
Snide said meekly, "Hey, easy there, Gramps. I'm here to help you, trust me. Doesn't do me much good either to have your island blasted. I just escaped that rusty bucket."
Squawks cried out, "BWARK! What are we waiting around for? K. Rool could blast us any second!"
"Well, if we're going down," said Cranky, gripping his cane in both hands and whipping it above his head, "then I'm going to take this rat with me!"
Snide yelped and dove toward Donkey, slipping behind him. He stuck his head over Donkey's shoulder and cried, "Whoa, easy! You can't just bump me off! You need me to help you stop the machine!"
"BWARK! Did you say, 'stop it'?" Squawks asked.
Snide nodded. "That's right, feather-brain. I'm the only one who knows how. You get rid of me and you might as well kiss this island goodbye."
Cranky waved his cane. "Wait, you're saying we have a chance of stopping it? What's to stop K. Rool from blasting the island right now?"
The conversation got a bit confusing in the next five minutes as Snide tried to explain how the machine was damaged just as they reached the island, which also had allowed him to escape. Cranky was fond of interrupting with his own insights on the matter while Squawks would frequently ask for clarification, and Donkey simply watched the exchange as he scratched his head bemusedly. Eventually, Cranky said, "So let me get this straight. This 'Blast-O-Matic,' you call it, needs to be repaired, which gives us a few hours to stop it. But in order to stop it we need five of us to hit the shutdown buttons at the same time, which means we need to hurry and rescue the other Kongs… is that about right?"
Snide rubbed his nose. "Right on the money, Gramps. You get together five of your best, sneak aboard Crocodile Isle, and shut down the machine. Easy as pie. And as a bonus, you get to give that two-timing fatso what he deserves."
Cranky huffed, "Hmph! I still ought to beat you senseless with my cane, but if you're telling the truth then I guess there's nothing for it but to go rescue those useless fleabags and stop this sinister scheme."
"BWARK!" said Squawks. "Then we should probably rescue Chunky first. RAWK! He's being held captive by the Armies on the eastern end of the island."
"That much was obvious," Cranky grumbled. He waved a fist at Donkey. "Hurry up, Donkey! Gather up my stuff and let's get moving! We're wasting daylight!"
"Excellent," said Snide, rubbing his hands. "I'll tag along if you three don't mind."
So the four of them started off again, heading east through the jungle toward the Armys' territory to rescue their friend and hopefully stop K. Rool and his Blast-O-Matic before it was too late.
