Chapter 4: Armed Armys
The Kongs knew when they were beat and for that the Kremlings were grateful… most of the Kongs did anyways. The smallest and loudest of them, however, was causing a lot of trouble for the krew assigned to relocate her. She kept punching and kicking any Kremling that tried to grab her until finally the head of the krew had had enough. He declared through a bloody nose, "Take her to the Factory!"
This elicited a sharp intake of breath from the others, which gave Tiny the clue that it wasn't a pleasant place. Never could she imagine the disturbing tales about what went on inside.
When it was built, it was meant to be used to build machines to aid K. Rool in his plan to dominate the seas. The first machines to be built in there were automatons to add to the workforce.
But it was shortly thereafter that Kremlings began going missing. Strange messages then appeared on the walls, saying, "Beware of Mad Jack." There were also reports of strange clanking noises at night, and a mad cackling could sometimes be heard echoing faintly from inside. That was when the krew in charge of this section decided to seal it off, making it inaccessible except through a garbage chute. And this was where they were taking Tiny Kong.
"Let me go, you slimy reptiles!" she shouted as she struggled between two Kasplats, the muscle of the Kremling krew. "You'll be sorry when Donkey comes! He's gonna knock you into next week!"
They approached a chute in the wall of the corridor. A Kremling tentatively poked it open, and they all heard whirring and clanking float up through it. The Kremling jumped back with a yelp and trembled in fear.
"Open it up!" one of the Kasplats tried to bark, but his voice rose into a squeak, showing he was scared, too. So instead, he raised his fist on which he wore brass knuckles. The Kremling clapped his hands to his head in fear and then slowly approached the chute again, whimpering. He closed his eyes and turned his head while he used one finger to push the chute open again as though he didn't want to watch the finger being snapped up by a hungry monster.
"What's the matter with him?" Tiny asked.
"Don't worry about him. You'd better worry about yourself. You're going into the Factory, and nobody ever comes out of the Factory… at least, not alive." He nodded to his partner. "Come on, let's do it."
His partner nodded back. Tiny began kicking her legs frantically and yelled, "Hey, instead of throwing me in there, why don't you face me like real Kremlings! Or are you afraid of a little girl? Ha!" but to no avail. The two Kasplats swung her once and then threw her inside. She hit the inside of the chute hard and bounced around like a coconut rolling down a hill.
Her landing was cushioned somewhat by a hill of gears, wheels, and springs. Hanging on the ceiling were what looked like half-finished mechanical puppets, and in the corner of the room a furnace grumbled, the red flames causing eerie shadows to flicker on the walls.
Nobody ever comes out of the Factory alive, that goon said, yet someone had to be here or else why would the furnace be running?
Then she heard a mad cackle echoing outside the room. Someone was here all right, and he didn't sound very friendly.
…
Donkey, Cranky, Squawks, and Snide found themselves on Promontory Point overlooking Army Valley. It was an impressive view, if you didn't mind looking down at the Armys' ugly rumps, as Cranky observed. Now all they needed to do was find a way down into the valley and confront the Armys, who had kidnapped Chunky.
"BWARK! There's a trail just over here that will take us down there," Squawks suggested.
"Well, why didn't you tell us before, you useless bag of feathers?" Cranky griped as he jabbed his cane against the ground. "This ain't some vacation we're on… say, you hear something?"
The four of them listened. Snide reported, "I'd know that sound anywhere. It's an M38E1 jeep."
He turned out to be correct, for a few seconds later a jeep appeared from the trees and pulled up beside them, kicking up a cloud of dust. The four of them coughed and waved the dust away. When it settled, the door opened and a combat boot emerged.
Squawks squawked in surprise. "It's Funky!"
Funky popped up above the door. "Yo man, we heard the news and when we did, we thought we'd run right over and give you a little backup!"
Cranky raised a white, bushy eyebrow. "We?"
The other door opened and a pair of long legs emerged. Donkey hastily straightened his tie and smoothed back his hair.
"Oh, it's terrible!" cried Candy, clapping her hands to her face after shutting the jeep door. "Our friends kidnapped and that horrible crocodile causing trouble again! We just had to come!"
Cranky waved his hand dismissively. "Course you did. Who else did you bring to this little family reunion? Swanky? Baby? Crazy Kong?"
"Crazy Kong?" Squawks asked.
"Distant relative. You don't want to meet her, trust me."
Meanwhile, Funky nodded to Donkey, speaking with his own distinctive flavor, "Thought you might want to pop out some sweet justice on them overgrown lizards, so I stashed some hardware in the back of the truck." He jabbed a thumb over his shoulder. With interest, Donkey hustled over, followed a moment later by Snide, and they both peeked in. The weasel gave a sniff and wiped his finger across his nose to show he wasn't impressed, but Donkey oohed at the sight of all the weapons piled on top of each other.
"Yep, got all sorts of kaboom in there for you to play with: cannons, grenades, crossbows, sniper rifles, popguns. You name it, I've got it, and every one guaranteed to send your baddie running or your money back." He flashed Donkey a dazzling grin as he leaned against the back of the truck.
Candy tutted. "Oh, Donkey won't be needing any of that, will you, Donkey? He's got those big strong arms - he'll just whip those Kremlings to the other side of the world, right, handsome?" She placed a hand on her hip and thrust it out, and gave him a wink. Donkey melted at the sight.
Cranky huffed disgustedly and said, "Wipe that stupid grin off your face, you big lug. We don't have time for pleasantries. We've got to rescue your useless friends and stop that blockhead K. Rool from blasting the island with that machine of his, in case you've forgotten, which you probably have." He turned to Squawks. "Now where did you say that trail was?"
Funky perked up. "Hey, if you need a ride, I can give you one. Come on! There's plenty of room in the front!" He added to Donkey in a whisper, "We can stuff old crankypants in the back with all the supplies."
"You'll what?!" snapped old crankypants.
Moments later, they were bouncing down the rather steep trail toward Army Valley. It was a bumpy ride and everyone kept knocking heads - Donkey into Snide, Snide into Candy, Candy into Cranky, Cranky into the window. Squawks was perched on a pair of plush barrels swinging from the top of the cab, so he wasn't knocked about as much as everyone else. Funky whistled cheerfully as he jerked the wheel back and forth. After a few minutes, he announced, "Army Valley coming up!"
Soon they came to a stop. It took a while for everyone's heads to stop rolling but after a while they discovered that they had arrived. That was the good news. The bad news was they were surrounded by Armys. They had heard the truck rattling its way down the slope and had all gathered to give the Kongs an unfriendly welcome.
The Armys are a species of animals with a low body supported by four legs and a bony, segmented shell on their backs. With their stubby legs, they don't look very fast but they have a trick that gives them a burst of speed and that is to curl into a ball. They have long, narrow snouts and relatively large ears. They have unpleasant dispositions with a penchant for either boasting or complaining - sometimes both at the same time.
For the longest time, the Armys had considered themselves rivals to the Kongs and were constantly scheming to take the entire island for themselves. Fortunately, they weren't very bright and also quite clumsy, so they didn't pose much of a threat. They were a nuisance at best.
Though finding yourself surrounded by them was not the best situation to be in.
"Funky, you linguistically challenged dope!" Cranky squawked, whacking him on the noggin. "You've brought every Army on this island to us! How are we supposed to get out of this?"
"Hey, chill, old dude. We can get rid of them with my hardware in the back."
It was a simple enough solution… until the Armys tore into the back and began confiscating it all; and, bright or not, an Army with a bazooka was not someone you wanted to tangle with. Now they were surrounded by Armys with weapons, and by the sound of their sniggering, they were enjoying this a lot.
One of them spoke in a reedy voice, "All right now, everybody out of the truck. No funny business or we blow you all sky high!"
They obediently filed out of the truck with their arms raised to the sky. Snide wiped his nose with a sniff and said, "I'm not with these guys. I was a victim of circumstance."
The Army waved his bazooka. "Quiet, you! I won't hesitate to use this!" Snide hastily shuffled back into the group, bowed his head, and sniffed.
Candy huffed indignantly, "You won't get away with this! What have you done to poor Chunky, you animals? We want him back!"
The Armys sniggered. Then the one with the bazooka answered, "You mean the big ape? We traded him, that's what! Gave him to the Kremlings to work on their ship. They might give him a nice banana if he does his job good." They all snickered again as though this was a hilarious joke.
Snide cleared his throat, sounding very nervous. "Er… how about we make a deal if you don't give me to the Kremlings? I can build you a giant cannon - use it to conquer the island, you know…"
Cranky rapped him sharply on the head. "Not while I'm here, you yellow-bellied traitor!"
The bazooka-toting Army snapped, "Enough! That's for our king to decide. Now come with us, and no funny business or we blow a hole where your head ought to be!"
Funky was distraught about leaving his precious jeep behind, but after a few threats he fell in step behind the others, glancing backwards often and reaching for her as she got further and further from him with every step he took.
They were marched to a clearing where an entire army of Armys was gathered. An aisle ran between them, flanked by tufts of banana leaves arranged in intervals, leading up to a stone podium with giant palm fronds rearing up behind it to resemble a throne. Their king was obviously going for grandiose here with the materials at hand. The king himself, Army Dillo, was on the throne, wearing a hat made of feathery leaves. Another example of the biggest being the boss, Army Dillo was twice the size of the rest of them, almost as big as Donkey.
"Well, well, well," he slurped as they marched up to him. He had a tendency to spit when he talked, due to his overactive saliva glands. "The rebellious Kong family brought to my feet at last." He sniggered.
"Ha! You wish!" retorted Cranky. "We just want our dope back! Chunky, I mean."
"Chunky?" Army Dillo repeated, lobbing a particularly large gob of saliva at the crew when he pronounced the "ch." He continued, "I don't know who you mean."
"You know perfectly well who we mean!" snarled Cranky, stomping his feet impatiently. "Give him back or else these boneheads will twist you all into pretzels!"
Army Dillo only laughed. "Oh, you mean the big, dumb-looking one? You're too late for him! Traded him to the Kremlings. I was going to keep him as my jester but then I got someone better to be it! Come on out and show them, monkey!"
An Army emerged from behind the throne with a leash in his mouth. On the other end of the leash was a monkey in a frilly collar and a giant flower on his head. They had replaced his clothes but there was no mistaking who it was forced to amuse the king with his pratfalls.
"Hi, guys," Diddy said glumly.
Candy was indignant. She shouted, "You turned Diddy into your pet, you little termites? How dare you? You're going to regret that so much by the time we're all finished with you!"
"Hey, who's holding the bazookas here?" King Army Dillo snarled, spraying saliva. Then he grinned wickedly, "But I'm in a good mood, so I'll make you a deal. If one of you can beat me in a fight, then you can have your little pipsqueak back. But if you lose…" he sniggered, "then you all become my slaves. Deal?"
The Kongs all glanced at each other. Funky clapped his hands. "I like those odds! You can take him, right, Donkey?"
Cranky stroked his beard. "Hmph! I smell skullduggery."
"Well, it's not as if we have much choice," Snide pointed out. "They've got the weapons. This challenge is our best bet of getting out of this mess in one piece."
Candy declared, "I know Donkey can do it, right, Donkey?" She winked at him and giggled. Donkey tugged on his necktie and grinned sheepishly. He nodded.
King Army Dillo sniggered excitedly. "Good! Then let the battle commence! Everyone, to the battle pit!" He leaped from his throne and then rolled off, followed by his subjects. Diddy was led away by his leash.
The Army with the bazooka prodded the prisoners in the back. "Let's go, bozos. We don't want to keep the king waiting!" And with all of the Kongs grumbling threateningly, they made their way to the battle pit.
