Eh… hello people. I'm seriously tired and out of inspiration now… which explains why this fic hasn't been updated in such a long time. I just have absolutely no idea where this fic is going now.

It's late at night and I'm very, very sleepy, so there may be mistakes in this fic. Sorry about that… Still, read and review, ok? The next chapter should be better…

Rurouni Kenshin does not belong to me.

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Crouching with his head between his knees, Soujirou shifted slightly at different intervals to dodge the flying pieces of delicacies, each time, moaning at the lost of earth's greatest pleasure (other than beef ramen, of course). Fortunately for him, the attack stopped abruptly when Tokio marched up to Eiji and gave him a resounding smack on the side of his face with a wooden spoon.

"Mishima Eiji!" she thundered, "How dare you waste good food like this! And the tempura too! Do you know how long it takes to make the perfect tempura?"

Immediately, Eiji seemed to shrink dramatically to the size of a five year old. "I'm sorry, Tokio-san," he mumbled, "didn't mean to do that…"

"The next time you want to attack a guest like that," Tokio scolded, waving her sashimi menacingly at the boy, "You use the chopsticks, not the food, do you understand? At least the chopsticks are dispensable!"

"Yes, ma'am."

"So what do you use the next time you want to attack a guest like that?"

"The chopsticks, ma'am."

"And why do you use the chopsticks?"

"Because they are dispensable, ma'am."

"Good boy," Tokio huffed, settling the sashimi down somewhere behind her, "Now go clean up all the tempura on the floor and feed them to the thing my husband has been breeding in his boots."

"Yes ma'am."

With a murderous glare at Soujirou, Eiji swept up the tempura expertly and headed out to the front door.

"Oh dear me," Tokio said, suddenly demure and sweet again, "I do apologise for the rudeness of my little boy, Seta-san. I can't possibly imagine what could have set him off like that." She smoothed back an imaginary stray hair and smiled.

"Eh… that's fine."

There was the loud clearing of the throat then Saitou said, "I believe it is time to start the meal. What do you say now, my love?"

"Oh, of course," Tokio replied, settling down beside her husband, "Come, please do try the food."

"Thank you."

"Eh… thanks…"

Enishi prodded the food suspiciously before biting into a piece of sashimi. "Eh… it's good, ma'am."

"Why thank you," Tokio beamed, "but do keep your mouth shut when you eat, young man. It's rude to chew with your mouth open or to talk during meals." Almost immediately, Enishi bowed his head and stared abashedly at his knees.

"'k..."

"What should you do when you eat, young man?"

"Shut my mouth, ma'am."

"Because?"

"It's rude to chew with my mouth open or to talk during meals."

"Good boy." Tokio beamed further and returned to her meal. A second later, Enishi had lifted his chin up and was glaring confusedly at her.

"She…"

"Don't push it."

"But she…"

"Yukishiro-san. Don't."

"Well…"

"Don't. Please."

"Alright, alright…"

After a brief moment of quiet eating, Saitou lay his utensils down. Immediately, Tokio was on her feet.

"I'll get dessert, My Lord."

"Yes, my love."

The moment Tokio was out of the room, the four males heaved a collective sigh of relief.

"How the bloody hell do you live with that woman, boss?" Enishi whispered.

"Why do you think I practically live at the office?" Saitou shot back.

"Eh… I thought it was because of Aku, Soku, Zan, Saitou-san," Soujirou whispered.

"Wh… oh… of course, of course. But, Tokio is a part of the reason as well."

"You killed my brother, and my parents!" Eiji hissed.

"Actually, technically, I didn't. It was Sushin who killed them, and it wasn't even by my orders. It was Shishio-sama's orders, of course and…"

"Murderer!"

"Don't throw that tempura at me! Tokio-san will murder you!"

"I wasn't going to, murderer. I was going to poke my chopsticks up your nose."

"Well…"

"Dessert!" Tokio announced, reappearing suddenly at her seat. Instantly, the level of tension rose dramatically.

"My, how nice," Saitou commented immediately, leaning over slightly to examine the contents on his plate, "What a nice colouring… and texture and… eh… eh… well… mm…"

"What is it?" Eiji asked suspiciously, poking it with his spoon.

"That would be none of your business," Tokio scolded, "Now eat it."

"Alright."

There was a general silence in where the men looked around then stared at the… dessert – then they dug in.

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A low groan sounded from the bed on his right, but Soujirou was in too much pain to care. The clean white sheets and soft mattress were all he could concentrate on. He knew he was selfish ignoring his partner, who was in as much pain as he was, but after this particular battle, he felt he deserved it.

"Nurse…" he rasped weakly, "Nurse… water…"

Immediately, the nurse was at his side, gently patting his head and feeding him water from a cup.

"Th… thank… thank you…" he whispered then sank into the pillows.

The nurse vanished to answer the calls from the bed next to his. Eventually, she disappeared into a door and out of Soujirou's vision, not that he cared. All he cared about were the clean sheets, the soft mattress, and the terrible throbbing pain in his stomach.

"Dessert…" the occupant of the adjacent bed rasped, "Is not… To… Tokio-san's… strong point."

Soujirou's admiration for his partner rose dramatically. Even in such pain, his partner was still capable of speaking his mind, and communicating with his comrades. Such determination! Such strength! Surely as a samurai, he had to do something to match this display of will!

"Urgggg," he replied proudly.

"How… is… the… boy?"

Soujirou groaned miserably and a replying groan came from his left.

"Urgggg," he answered.

"I… thought… urggg…" Enishi replied from his right before sinking into a deep silence.

Darkness fell over the room as the three occupants curled up on the bed and groaned simultaneous –and in harmony.

"Ohhhh…" Eiji groaned from his left and started to struggle to sit up.

"L… lie… down…" Soujirou whispered weakly, "You… you'll… hurt… y… y… yourself…"

"I've… got… a s… s… s… s…"

"S?"

"Si… sinking… sen… sensation…"

"Urggg?"

"Urggg? Oh…"

Soujirou and Enishi stared blurredly up into the ceiling and sighed wearily. "S… sh… shi… shit… urggggggggg," they moaned then buried their noses into their pillows as Eiji finally allowed the sinking sensation to evolve into an exiting sensation.

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"Pathetic," Saitou Hajime snorted, towering above the three forlorn figures, "Absolutely pathetic! Just a plate of dessert sends you to your beds like little boys? I thought better of the three of you!"

"I… am… a… little…b…b…b…boy…"

"Oh, be quiet," Saitou growled, "Seta and Yukishiro! The both of you have better be up and ready for work soon! You two are my prisoners! I can't have you lying around and doing nothing all the time!"

"I… don't… think… we… will… be… up… for… a… week…" Enishi gasped, clutching his stomach miserably.

"Pathetic," Saitou snorted again.

"How… do… you… do… it, Saitou… san? How… come… you… are… al… alright?" Soujirou rasped, turning an eye as best it could in Saitou's direction.

"Rubbish!" Saitou snapped. "I've been eating Tokio's meals for decades, and I've never had any problem with it!"

"R… r… really?"

"Of course," Saitou snorted, "There are many things I have eaten in this life which tasted worse than Tokio's cooking. Of course, not much tasted worse than her dessert, but then now… any man can take a little… dessert."

"Urrggggggg…"

"Urgggggggg…"

"Urggg… I'm… still… a… boy…"

"That doesn't make me forgive you," Saitou snapped at Eiji, who was curled up in a relatively foetal position, "You are rather young, I admit, but that only makes you a young man, and not a boy. Show me some backbone!"

"I…m… not… tak… taking off... my shirt… for you…"

Saitou snorted again, reflecting what he thought of the boy (or young man), and puffed on his cigarette, ignoring the nurse who was throwing him a hideously dangerous glare. "I wouldn't want you to," he replied amidst a puff of smoke, "I am going now, but I will be back later in the day, if only to laugh at you three miserable souls."

"Buh… bye… Saitou… san…"

" Screw…you…"

"Bye… Saitou…"

With another grunt, Saitou vanished from sight, leaving behind only a thin blue fog.

"G… gross…"

"Second… hand… smoke…"

"I've… got… another… sinking… sen… sensation…"

"Urggggg…"

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Three days later found Soujirou propped up in bed with the support of a tiny hill of pillows.

"How are you feeling now?" Nurse Miyako asked, smiling sweetly as she spooned broth into his mouth.

"Much better," Soujirou answered, the best he could with a spoon in his mouth. Looking around, he noted that Enishi felt good enough to lie in a relatively straight position, while Eiji was being fussed over by a group of very smitten middle-aged nurses.

"You've finished your broth," Miyako observed, "That is a great improvement!" She smiled again, and Soujirou noted that she dimpled when she smiled. He also noted that her incisors were slightly longer than was usual for a human being.

"Thank you." he replied.

"Then I will be back to check on you later," she said, sweeping up the tray, "Now, go get some rest, Sou-chan." She smiled again, and was gone.

From his position on the bed, Enishi opened one eye and watched his partner. "Cute ass," he remarked.

"Yes, Yukishiro-san?"

"I wasn't calling you, I was referring to the lady that just left."

"She does not resemble a donkey in the slightest."

Enishi rolled his eyes. "I was referring to her posterior."

"Oh… wait, does that mean when you call me 'cute ass', you were also referring to my posterior?"

"Never. I was referring to the animal."

"Ah… that is a relief."

"What do you think about it anyway?"

"It?"

"Her ass?"

"Do you mean the animal or the posterior?"

Soujirou smiled blankly as Enishi shot him a look that promised lava and lightning bolts if an answer wasn't forthcoming.

"Well?" Enishi demanded.

"It makes me…" Soujirou blushed (as Enishi noted interestingly) "It makes me think of beef ramen, and practising battoujutsu on a dead subordinate who has betrayed Shishio-sama."

"…"

"…"

"You've got some serious issues, man."

"I suppose." Grinning, Soujirou leaned over (the best he could before his stomach started making very threatening noises). "What do you think of when you see Nurse Rina?"

"My sister holding Battousai's head… eh… sorry nee-san! I didn't really mean that!"

Chuckling slightly, Soujirou turned his head to observe the younger of the trio. With this being his fifth trip to the hospital due to Tokio-san's dessert, Eiji had gotten better sooner than the two older men. However, at the moment, he was curled up under his sheets with a look of terror on his face – mainly because some of the older nurses in the hospital were crowded around the bed, trying to get him to sing their favourite children's song with them.

"How are you feeling, Eiji?" he called.

"Help me!" came the terrified whimper.

"How would I do that?" Soujirou asked, mildly amused. From the other side of the room, Enishi chuckled.

"Help me?" The plaintive call was the only answer.

"Perhaps…"

Suddenly, a tornado burst into the room. This tornado had brown hair, brown eyes, freckles (as Enishi often noticed), and a very loud voice. "Goodness!" the very loud voice shouted. "Stop ogling over the poor boy! There's an emergency operation down in Room C. All nurses get down there now!"

With much grumbling, sniffles and tears, the nurses started to leave. From under his cover, Eiji emerged with the dazed look of a person who had just been through a catastrophic disaster.

Enishi grunted. "Saved the boy, huh, Rina?"

Two very sharp brown eyes were turned on him. "You finish your broth by the time I come back again, Yukishiro, or I'll personally put it where the sun doesn't shine."

"As if you could do that, you weak little woman."

A bony fist was waved in front of his nose. "Don't tempt me," she growled then vanished in a swirl of activity.

Enishi snorted. "Silly woman," he muttered, making no attempt to touch the bowl at the side of his bed.

Soujirou gave an answering snort (just as an experiment, since he barely ever snorted, and wanted to see what was so interesting about it that made Enishi and Saitou both do it so much). Then he decided to spare some of his goodwill to the traumatised boy. "Are you ok, Eiji?"

"A…a…a… are… they…ggggg… gone?"

"Yes, Eiji, they're gone."

"Thank god…" Eiji wiped away the tears in his eyes and snuggled down into the pillows, "If I had to take one more… one more… "cootchy-cootchy-coo" or one more… "whu's a liddle pwetty boy"… I'll… I'll…"

"It's ok now," Soujirou said sympathetically, "they're gone now. They're gone."

"… I'll… I'll… do something… drastic…"

"Why don't you try eating some broth? It is surprisingly good for hospital food."

A trembling hand reached out and started to mechanically shovel food down a mouth.

"You've got broth dripping down your chin now, Eiji."

"Oh… ok…"

"Eh… you missed a spot."

"Ok… ok…"

With the slowness usually associated with the sick, Eiji lay the napkin down and lay back on the tiny slope of pillows his fans had created for him. His stomach protested loudly with a low, sinking noise.

"Better?" Soujirou asked pleasantly. "Or do you need to use the window?"

"Better," Eiji sighed, "and no, the passer-bys under the window are safe from me – for a while, at least."

"Ah. Good. I was starting to worry about the number of rotten eggs being thrown through the window."

"You worry?" Enishi shot back, "I was the one who got hit in the mouth with a rotten egg. Which would explain why I'm worse off than you are, of course."

Soujirou laughed. "Sorry, Yukishiro-san."

There was a long silence then awkwardly, Eiji went on, "You… you're a good man now, aren't you? No longer evil, right?"

"Well… Saitou-san is an excellent gauge on the evilness of a person, and he hasn't tried to kill me for a few days already, so… yeah, I assume I'm no longer evil."

"Oh… good…" Eiji pondered that for a while. "Because I think we could be good friends, really, after going through Tokio-san's dessert together."

"Ah…"

"Nothing bonds people better than disaster," Enishi commented, still gallantly ignoring his broth.

"Really?" Soujirou questioned. "I wonder what that means."

"Don't ask me; I'm not really sure myself."

"Then why did you say it?"

"Because it sounded cool."

"Alright, fair enough." Soujirou shrugged. "So anyway," he said thoughtfully, "Since we've gone through a great disaster together, we should be feeling very bonded together, right? Now… what's that term I'm looking for…?"

"Friends," Eiji said immediately.

"Really?" Soujirou paused to ponder his feelings. "Friends…" The syllabuses rolled off his tongue oddly.

"That's an odd word," Enishi said, turning over to face the other occupants of the room, "Frrriiieeennndddsss…"

"Is that what we are?" Soujirou asked.

"Sure!" Eiji piped up eagerly, he being the kind who didn't have many friends.

"Good," Soujirou said cheerfully, "And once we figure out exactly what 'friends' means, we can then proceed to become the best friends in the entire world. After all, if you're going to be anything, you might as well be number one."

"Cool," Enishi said, trying to look bored, but failing miserably.

"I already know what 'friends' means," Eiji piped up, "It means playing together in the backyard until you get your hands all dirty, and then getting scolded by Mum."

"I see," Soujirou said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully as he slid easily into the 'right-hand man-have-to-give-advice' mode, "In that case, we shall have to start from there and then see where things go. Of course, that would mean having to find a backyard to play in, and a "Mum" to be scolded by… but I'm sure we'll find a way." "

"Cool."

"Alright! We'll make the best friends ever! Number one in the whole of Japan!"

And it was then when they were all basking in the rosy hue of friendship and brotherhood that Rina burst back into the room, took one look at Enishi's broth and proceeded to carry out her threat in a very messy fashion.

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Silent as an owl and dangerous as a wolf, Saitou stalked into his office in a very, very bad mood. There were so many corrupt officials to kill, so many evil people to put down, so many dinners he had to return home to; any of this would drive an ordinary man to suicide. But Saitou was no ordinary man, so instead of committing suicide, he proceeded to verbally abuse all the terrified, scurrying little scum that worked under him.

"Your report was a disgusting mess," he snarled to the quavering man in front of him, "I didn't understand a single thing you were saying… or trying to say. I suggest you locate your brain and use it, before I decide you have no need for it, and remove it for you."

"Yes sir!"

"Don't you dare use that tone of voice on me!"

"I'm sorry sir!"

"You've better be!" Satisfied that he had scared the man bad enough to give him nightmares for the rest of eternity, Saitou backed off and proceeded to his newly renovated office – only to be received by three apparitions from his own private nightmare.

"Eiji, Seta, Yukishiro," he groaned, "What are the three of you doing in my office? No, wait, don't tell me. I have no wish to have my brain cells totally annihilated so early in the morning."

"Oh well, if you insist!" Soujirou chirped, deliberately keeping his very dirty hands in plain sight. He unfolded his legs, hoping to draw Saitou's attention to the muddy footprints on the floor, but it didn't seem to work.

"I barely recognised your office," Enishi said, coming to the rescue, "Not when your walls have been painted rose pink, and now that you have a lovely vase of flowers near the wall here." He coughed not so subtly, gesturing aimlessly at the wall, which was incidentally covered with many muddy handprints.

Saitou grunted, his eyes already fixed on the pile of paper on his table as he sized up his opponent. "I barely recognise it myself," he mumbled absent-mindedly, "Now go make yourselves useful. Eiji, if you are going to skip school, at least try to do some police… stuff, like making tea and cake, or grovelling for mercy in front of me… or something…"

"Ok, yes sir," Eiji said, deliberately placing his very filthy hands on Saitou's table, "I'll do as you say."

"Then go," Saitou snapped, "and stop ogling at my paperwork. You aren't getting your hands on any of these private documents. These are for my reading only."

"Eh…" Eiji shot Soujirou and Enishi a helpless look before backing away from the table. "Ok, Saitou-san. Eh… nice new couch. It… eh… suits the wall colours, it being red and everything."

"Go."

"Ok."

Saitou sighed in relief as the three exited his office, closing the door (the new, beautiful, cream-coloured door) behind them. Sinking into his new chair, which was, incidentally, more lace than chair, he settled down to finish his paperwork.

"Ok, there is this report and this report… and this stupid form to… hmm…"

"It didn't work! How could it not work? The plan was flawless! We put it everywhere for him to see!"

Saitou paused in the middle of his signature, and pondered about it. Deciding he really didn't want to know, he continued on with the signing of the form. "Ok… stupid form signed. Now this report… gah! This handwriting… this calls for some serious Gatotsu-ing…"

"I don't know why it didn't work, Yukishiro-san. Everything was going smoothly until Saitou came. We played in the backyard of the police headquarters, digging holes, climbing trees and swinging from ropes tied to the branches like Eiji instructed… got our hands and feet dirty… trailed mud all over the place… but we didn't get scolded!"

"Stupid report… huh, we caught that bloody murderer finally I see. Note to self: get gardener to go to the backyard and assess damage." As subtly as possible (in case someone was watching through the window), he pressed his hands against his ears to block out the whispered dialogue outside his door.

"I told you it wasn't a good idea to put Saitou-san as Mum, Sou-kun. He just isn't… right."

"… … … … … …" Who was the one who designed the acoustics of his office such that every single word spoken outside could be heard inside the office?

"Why not? You said that 'Mum' is basically a dictator… highly irritable and, harsh… a figure of authority. Saitou-san fulfils those criteria."

"Death sentence… death sentence… think of death sentences… all those nice pretty thoughts… do not try to kill Eiji or risk Tokio's wrath…" Oh right, it was the great Saitou Hajime himself.

"Yes… but I think Saitou-san is the wrong… gender."

A terrible twitch hit, and it hit him hard.Saitou stopped indulging in tolerance and stood up rapidly, knocking over the carefully arranged pile of paper on his table. Growling, he stalked over to the door and threw it open, only to be greeted by three apprehensive faces.

"What…" he snarled, "was that about? You have ten seconds to answer before I Gatotsu you."

"We are trying to be friends, Saitou-san," Soujirou said in a tone that suggested he thought that explained everything.

"What does being friends," Saitou snapped, "have to do with my gender?"

There was a long silence as the other cops in the room suddenly developed strangely blank expressions and took to watching the drama unfold out of the corner of their eyes.

"Well," Soujirou said carefully as Enishi and Eiji started inching their way towards the door, "You see, Eiji-kun here has been giving us tips on what it means to be 'friends'… and those criteria seemed to include climbing trees in the backyard, digging holes in the backyard, getting your hands and feet very dirty and then being scolded by 'Mum'."

"So?"

"Well…" Soujirou went on, already starting to tap his feet on the ground, "We thought you could be 'Mum', Saitou-san because…"

"Gatotsu!" Saitou roared.

Immediately, Soujirou took off, carrying Eiji over his shoulder and Enishi close behind him.

"I'm sorry, Saitou-san!"

"Gatotsu! Stop running! I order you to stop using your bloody Shukuchi…"

"I'm sorry… ouch! I'm sorry Mister Guard-Squad-Member… ouch! Sorry the other Mister Guard-Squad-Member and… ouch…"

"Soujirou! Forget about apologising and run!"

"Stop! Stop in the name of the law, you bloody asshole!"

"I'm…"

"Pretty boy! Help!"

Turning back in mid-run, Soujirou caught sight of a very terrified Enishi caught within the Gatotsu range by a wall of swords.

"Finally!" Saitou roared, his sword already stabbing forward in the perfect Gatotsu, only to be met with emptiness. "Wh…" He blinked rapidly then continued running as he caught sight of Soujirou sprinting down the road, Eiji slung over one shoulder, and Enishi slung over the other.

"What the…" Eiji gasped, trying to look dignified while bouncing about wildly on a rather bony shoulder and failing miserably.

"Where do you keep all this strength?" Enishi gasped, similarly trying to look dignified (and failing worse than Eiji, probably because he was older and longer, and thus had his face closer to the ground than Eiji).

"Thank kami-sama for all those weight-lifting Shishio-sama made me do!" Soujirou chirped, his eyes fixed wildly ahead as he sprinted on. "My, my! I feel like I could go on forever, as long as I keep convincing myself that I'm not carrying a dangerous ex-mafia boss on one shoulder, and an orphan adopted by Saitou Hajime on the other shoulder!" Immediately, his stress level shot up way into the red zone.

"We're not here!" Enishi and Eiji shrieked at the same time, both realising immediately that the only way to avoid a very swift and painful death was to make sure Soujirou kept on running.

"Of course not!" Soujirou intoned brightly. "Weightless! I'm weightless! I'm weightless! I'm weightless… ok, I'm weightless, and so are they! That's right! The people who are currently not slung over my shoulders are weightless! All weightless! Woo-hoo, I can fly! Fly! Weightless! Fly! I'm free!"

Over the mess of flying brown hair, Enishi and Eiji exchanged concerned looks. "He sounds like he's losing it, Enishi-kun."

"Oh… I kind of felt that he's been under a lot of stress recently…"

"Do you think he's reached his breaking point?"

"I wouldn't be surprised. But there's a way to check. Is he smiling?"

"Yeah."

"Is he smiling widely?"

"Yeah."

"Is he smiling like this is the happiest day of his life?"

"Well… yeah, you can say that."

"Oh god, we're going to die."

Eiji tried not to wriggle nervously at that thought. "Eh… do you think we should jump off?"

"Who's the lesser evil?"

Simultaneously, they looked behind and stared at a screaming, ranting, sword-waving Saitou Hajime then turned to stare at a smiling, wide-eyed, Seta Soujirou, who was incidentally running faster than a horse could run.

"God, I can't decide, little boy. You pick."

"Me? I'm just a kid! I shouldn't have to make big decisions like that!"

"Hell… ok, we stay. If we jump off now, we'll probably end up as little smears of slimy stuff on the ground."

"Well… eh… ok…"

"Weightless!" Soujirou squeaked, his voice rising a whole octave. "Weightless! It's all in the mind! It's all in the mind! It's all in the…"

"Stop, you miserable little bastard! I am your superior! Listen to me!"

To Enishi and Eiji's sheer horror, Soujirou did stop. In fact, he stopped so fast Saitou shot past them before he realised what was happening. Slowly, Enishi and Eiji were allowed to slide off Soujirou's shoulders. They landed on the ground, and rolled away immediately, with all the sense of self-preservation of a typical human being. Very, very slowly, Soujirou turned to face Saitou Hajime.

"Wh… what did you say?"

Saitou cleared his throat, discovering suddenly that his anger had been drained from all the running. "I said, 'Stop, you miserable little bastard. I am your superior. Listen to me'," he repeated, "Now, listen here…"

"Who is a miserable little bastard?"

"Wh…?"

"I said, 'Who is a miserable bastard?'."

"Now, Seta…"

"I'm not a miserable little bastard!" Soujirou shrieked suddenly. "And you're not my superior! I refuse to carry bundles of rice for you anymore!"

And before Saitou could react, he suddenly found himself tackled to the ground by a very furious young man.

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