Chapter 6: Tricky Temples
On the western end of the island were the ruins of what was once an ancient civilization. It had probably been a utopia of prosperity filled with advanced technology and brimming with a sophisticated culture until Something happened and the people mysteriously vanished, though not before they took all the lushness with them. Now all that was left was a huge stretch of desert and a few exotic buildings to keep archeologists busy… and some advanced tech that some nefarious reptiles could scrounge for their dastardly devices. The Kongs would have to be careful when they reached the Platitudinous Ruins in Desolate Desert. Trouble was bound to be waiting there.
Then again, trouble found them before they even arrived. A rattletrap vehicle piled high with parts swung around a bend in the road and started to pass them when the Kremlings inside spotted the Kongs and let out a yell. The pilot jerked the wheel, sending a cascade of metal parts clanging onto the road, and then gave chase.
"I warned you!" Cranky Kong screeched and rapped Funky on the head.
"Ow, man!" Funky complained. "You crazy coot! You almost made me run off the road!"
"I warned you about getting us into trouble, didn't I?" Cranky waved his cane threateningly.
Snide muttered, "The old ape may be more dangerous than this surf bum's driving."
"What'd you say about me, you ferret?"
"Boys," said Candy, breaking up their bickering, "we've got to do something before they catch us!"
"And what do you suggest?" Cranky asked her, "getting on top of the jeep and wiggling our behinds at them?"
Nobody had any real good ideas. Funky just did his best to shake them, weaving in "S" shapes while behind them the passenger Kremling had climbed onto the hood of the truck and was stretching out his arm and snatching at the jeep every time they swept by.
Then the death-defying Kremling received a surprise. He made to snatch the jeep again, only for a cane to appear through the window and whack him across his snout. He tumbled backward into the seat and sprawled there dazed. The other Kremlin shook his head in disgust and then pressed a button on the dashboard.
The front of the truck opened and something sharp slid out. It looked like a harpoon!
Funky turned white when he glanced into the rearview mirror. "Ohhhhhh no. I can't let them do that to my baby! She's too delicate to be handled this rough!"
"Funkeeeeee!" Candy wailed. "Get us out of here before they spear us with that thing!"
"Okay, hang on, dudes. This is gonna be close!" He reigned in his snake pattern until he was driving straight. The Kremlings followed suit until they had the jeep directly in the line of fire.
"Funky!" they all yelled in a mix of anger, exasperation, terror, and bewilderment. "What are you doing?"
He held up his finger. "Wait for it…"
The Kremling narrowed his eyes as he sized up the target. He raised a claw above the button.
"Funky?" came Candy's panicked voice.
"Wait for it…"
The Kremling jabbed his finger on the button.
"Now!" cried Funky and he jerked the wheel, veering off the path onto rough terrain. The harpoon shot from the Kremling's vehicle, trailing a length of heavy rope behind it that hizzed in the air until it hit a giant cactus. It had been a close one for the Kongs, who were lucky to be alive. They didn't see it that way, though. It's hard to see the good in a situation when you're cross-eyed and your head's been repeatedly knocked on like a bongo drum.
The driver, realizing he had missed their target, pressed a button to reel the harpoon in again to give it another go. The harpoon was stuck solid inside the cactus and wasn't going to be coming out easily – something the Kremlings didn't find out until they tried to steer around the cactus, only to have the line pull them straight into it. They hit with a solid crunch that sent both lizards flying into the bristling plant. They came immediately back out of it with howls and danced to show their pain. Funky pulled onto the road, passing them by while thumbing his nose at them.
He turned to his companions and flashed them a dazzling grin. "We did it, dudes! We're in the clear!"
They might have cheered at this news were they not still reeling. Cranky, undoubtedly, would have had a thing or two to say about Funky's driving but he couldn't even get his eyes to look straight. Funky didn't let their lack of response bog him down. On the contrary, he was quite cheerful as he drove them all the way to the Platitudinous Ruins. They knew they had arrived when everyone started shaking sand out of their ears.
If there was anything about the ruins that was significant, it was that they had some of the most diverse architecture in the world. There was the run-of-the-mill, nondescript temple with the usual monkey gods, but there was also a pyramid reminiscent of the Egyptian, a ziggurat like the Mesopotamians, a distant cousin of the Parthenon, and what closely resembled a pagoda, with a giant obelisk in the center of it all, the sun's light searing off its bronze cap. And somewhere amidst these multicultural structures, the Kremlings were holding Lanky captive.
Candy shielded her eyes against the glaring sun as she scanned the ruins. "Oooh," she said, "there's so many buildings. How are we supposed to find Lanky?"
"Give a shout. Maybe he'll answer," Cranky suggested, climbing unsteadily out of the jeep.
So Candy filled her lungs and then yelled as loud as she could, "Laaankyyyyyyy!" Her voice reverberated between all the crumbling temples, making it sound like a dozen Candys searching desperately for the orangutan. But not a single one of them got an answer.
Snide sniffed. "They'll be using him to test for traps in these temples. Chances are one of them's done your long-armed friend in."
"You don't know that!" Candy snarled fiercely.
Snide raised his hands in a gesture of placation. "Just saying, honey."
"Let's look for him just to be sure," Diddy said, stepping between them. "I think we should split up and check each of these temples. Holler if you find anything."
They split up and made their way across the scorching sands to each of the temples. Cranky, accompanied by Squawks, headed toward the temples of the monkeys, Donkey aimed for the pyramids, Diddy scampered toward the ziggurats, Candy set her sights on the Parthenon, and Funky made his way to the pagodas. Snide remained at the jeep, muttering something about keeping an eye on the artillery in case the Kremlings decided to swipe it.
Within the temples, each of the Kongs entered an antechamber with a door at the end that were all shut tight. In the center of each chamber was a pedestal on which was inscribed a riddle. The riddle was different for each temple. For Cranky, the riddle read, "My flesh is white, my skin is yellow, my texture soft, my flavor mellow. What am I?" Donkey's read, "I've milk within my hairy shell, I've three mouths but I'll never tell. What am I?" Candy's read, "A figure eight my figure makes, you get two when my shell breaks. What am I?" And Funky's read, "A yellow treat is yours to claim, if you can get past my bristly frame. What am I?" Just beneath the inscription was a round indentation and in a slot on the side of the pedestal were a pile of tokens with pictures on them. Pictures of fruit, to be precise.
In the antechamber of the temple of the monkeys, Squawks said as he studied the riddle, "Bwaark! What's got white flesh, yellow skin, soft texture and mellow flavor?"
Cranky waved his cane irritably. "How should I know? These things never make sense. It's just to make the people who ask them feel really clever and smug, but if they were here right now, I'd smack their stupid grins right off their faces! See how smug they feel after that."
"Braaaawk! It must be a fruit of some kind. That's what's on these tokens. And there's a slot to put one of them into."
"Well, ha, joke's on them!" Cranky said triumphantly. "We just try every one of them until something happens. We don't even need to answer their stupid riddle." So that's what he began to do.
Donkey also started doing the same thing after scratching his head over the riddle he had. Candy discovered the same method, too, and so did Funky. One by one, all the Kongs tried each token in the pedestals until something happened that told them they had found a match. Upon inserting the correct token, each of them heard a loud crack and then the doors at the end of each chamber sank into the floor.
"It was a banana!" Squawks cried in the voice of someone who knows he should have known it from the beginning.
Donkey grunted at his token, "Coconut."
Candy shook her head. "Well, what do you know? It was a peanut."
And Funky guffawed, "How was I supposed to know it was a pineapple? Seriously, who comes up with this kind of stuff?"
They were pleased to have the way open so they could continue their search for Lanky. But placing the tokens in the slots didn't just open the doors into the temple interior. Just before disappearing into history, the ancient Civilization constructed traps in the temples for the amusement of modern-day adventurers. The ancient Civilization, with all their ingenuity, constructed the pedestals so that when the tokens were placed in all five of them, they would unlock another door with the ultimate trap inside...
In the center of the cluster of temples rose a giant obelisk like a finger admiring the tip of its bronze cap, which deflected the sun's harsh rays into the eyes of innocent birds, who were simply trying to find a drink of water in this dry and barren land.
Suddenly, a loud, metallic click reverberated between the temples, and the edges of the bronze pyramid split apart. The pyramid slowly creaked open like a flower yawning as it blooms, the light of the sun slowly slipping in to illuminate the thing hidden inside.
Feeling the sun's rays on its face, it grunted and twitched. Slowly, two eyes opened, blinked, and then shut again. It grunted again and rolled over. Then it grunted again and shook its head. The eyes opened again and then it lifted its head. It growled ill-temperedly and then climbed to its feet.
The thing's name was Dogadon. This was the guardian of the temples appointed by the ancient Civilization. Long ago he had been put into the cap of the obelisk where he would sleep until the sanctity of the temples was disturbed. He had figured this wouldn't happen for a century or two, but someone had woken him up twenty-five years too early and he was cranky.
Someone was going to pay.
