Ok, guys. This is probably the third last or second last chapter of this fic. I've kind of completed the whole story already, but I'm not uploading the rest yet because I might need to change some stuff. Anyway, things are just getting rather weird and random… but do read and review all the same!

Rurouni Kenshin does not belong to me.

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Kenshin leaned over the display of fish interestedly, studying the salmon in particular. It looked fresh and very pretty, like pearls under the sun. He was almost certain Kaoru would love to eat some of those.

"How much do these go for?" he asked.

"Well…" the fishmonger began when suddenly, the people on the street started to run down the street, gabbling excitedly.

"What's all that fuss about?" the fishmonger asked, peering over Kenshin easily.

A random passer-by stopped to conveniently shout, "Cat fight!" before continuing on his way.

"Cat fight?" the fishmonger was suddenly on the street, joining his fellow brethren in their run to get a good spot. "Wouldn't miss it for the world!"

"Wh… but…" Kenshin stared miserably at the salmon then down the road. Finally, he could not resist the mob-mentality anymore, and proceeded down the road to see what the fuss was all about.

"Excuse me," he mumbled, trying to push his way through the crowd as politely as possible, "sorry. Excuse me. Eh… sorry ma'am. No, I wasn't trying to take advantage of you, ma'am. Yes, ma'am. My sincerest apologies, ma'am. Ah… thank you." With a deep sigh of relief, he broke out through the crowd into the frontlines.

He stared.

He stared again.

For good measure, he rubbed his eyes and stared some more.

Then he settled back with a self-conscious mischievous grin to watch the two figures wrestle each other in the mud.

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Saitou could not believe this was happening. He was an ex-Shinsengumi captain, the only Miburo with the reputation of being indestructible! He was the only one capable of smoking three hundred cigarettes a day, surviving battle with his hair still neatly slicked back and eating Tokio's dessert without being hospitalised. He was brave, he was honourable, and presently, he was rolling about in wet mud, in front of what seemed like the whole of Tokyo, wrestling with a man almost a head shorter than he was.

Oh the humiliation.

"Seta! I order you to stop this!" he roared, grabbing the back of the boy's gi and trying to pull him off.

"You can't order me around!" the mad man screamed back, his arms gripping Saitou's neck in the perfect headlock. "Not anymore! I'll kill you!"

A snarl formed over Saitou's lips, and he struggled to regain his footing, only to slide down further into the mud pit. "Seta! Get a grip on yourself!" he thundered.

"Never! I'll never listen to you again!" Soujirou's eyes flashed wildly. "All those times… all those times… all those times you made me… work for you like a slave!"

"What are you talking about?" Saitou roared, trying to turn around so he could push himself out of the mud with his arms, but failing miserably.

"Oh, now he denies it," Enishi muttered from the back of the crowd.

"And all this time… all this years…" Soujirou panted, his squirming making him lose balance and sliding him further into the mud pit, "you never ever said you love me! Not even once!"

The crowd fell silent for five seconds before the hushed whisperings and pointing started again. Saitou lay frozen, blinking in shock before starting to struggle even harder. "What the hell are you talking about?" he repeated, his voice starting to rise several pitches. "What the hell do you mean by that?"

"Wasn't I good enough for you?" Soujirou shrieked. "Why didn't you ever love me?"

"Seta! Get a bloody grip on yourself!"

"You always hated me! Always!"

"Seta…"

"Making me carry rice bundles for you… all the time… all the time!" Soujirou screamed. "Treating me like free labour, instead of your own son!"

There was a collective scandalised gasp from the crowd, and Saitou groaned and mentally smashed his head against a metaphysical wall. "What the hell are you talking about? You're not my son!" he screamed. Somehow or other, he managed to get a hold on Soujirou's arms, but he could not pull them apart. "Let go, Seta!"

"Oh, deny it," someone from the crowd muttered.

"I hate you!" Soujirou screamed. "I hate you! I hate you!"

"Seta!" Saitou gasped. Soujirou's elbow was being driven into his throat. "Seta! For the love of god… Yukishiro! Get this bastard off my throat!"

"Bastard! I'll show you bastard!" Soujirou shrieked. "Never make fun of the illegitimate!" Howling, he pushed Saitou's face deep into the mud and held it there.

"Eh… Saitou?" Enishi called from the back of the crowd. "Sorry, boss, but I love my skin more than yours… eh?"

Splattering and spitting out dirt, Saitou just managed to lift his face out off the mud. "Seta! Seta! What the hell is wrong with you?"

"It's all your fault!" Soujirou wailed. "All your fault! Why couldn't you accept me for who I was? If you had… I wouldn't have had to… go through… all this… years of… hell working for Shishio-sama!"

Deciding that actions were better than words, Saitou gripped the ground the best he could, and pulled his knee under him to support his weight. Gripping the neck of Soujirou's gi, he flipped him over in a jujitsu throw and held him down. "Seta! Get a grip on yourself! This is an order!"

"You always… always beat me!" Soujirou screamed, squirming out from under Saitou's grip. "You hit me all the time! You even burnt me with your bloody pipe!"

There was another collective gasp from the crowd, and one or two women started to dab at their eyes with their hankies. The Tokyo Association for the Abused Cute Little Things (Regardless of the Number of Legs They Have) started to howl for blood.

"What the hell are you talking about? I don't own a pipe!"

"Oh, he destroyed the evidence," someone from the crowd muttered, and Saitou mentally added a note to Gatotsu that person.

"I hate you!" Soujirou screamed, and tackled Saitou again. Together, they splashed even further into the mud, splattering dirt everywhere.

Groaning, Saitou spat out a mouthful of earth. "Stop it!" he shouted. "Stop it now! I demand you stop it!"

Then to his total, utter humiliation, he heard a very familiar voice call, "Saitou! It's his past! He's remembering his past!" Over the face distorted by rage and grief, he caught sight of a flash of red and groaned miserably.

"What are you talking about?" he roared. "Explain yourself, Battou… Himura!"

"Soujirou was abused as a child!" Kenshin yelled. "He's remembering his past!"

"How's that suppose to help?"

"I hate you!" Saitou gasped helplessly for breath as Soujirou's latest lunge pushed him almost entirely into the mud.

"He thinks you're his father," Kenshin shouted, "Use that to calm him down!"

"What… never!" Saitou spluttered and coughed as mud slid down his throat. "Ok! Fine! How?"

"Be his father!"

"What the hell does that mean?"

"Be fatherly, Saitou!"

"Define... 'fatherly'!"

Kenshin rolled his eyes and rubbed the bridge of his nose wearily. "You could start by confirming that you are his father."

"Fine. Seta! Seta! Listen!"

"I hate you!"

Saitou cleared his throat painfully. Thanks to the wrestling and throat-grabbing, his voice was raspy, hoarse, and he sounded like he had just run a marathon. Bravely, he sat up and said, "Seta, I'm your father." Lightning flashed and thunder roared despite the relatively clear skies.

The wrestling stopped immediately, and a great weight was lifted off his chest. Painfully, he lifted his head the best he could, and looked into the startled blue eyes.

"You… you finally… finally… admitted it?"

"Eh…" Saitou cleared his throat loudly and glared at the crowd. "Yeah."

"I hate you!" Soujirou wailed. "Why did you have to put me through all this? Why did you hate me so?"

Saitou groaned miserably and turned to glare at Kenshin. "Now what?" he mouthed.

"Tell him that you love him," Kenshin replied, much too loudly in Saitou's opinion.

"What?" Saitou roared furiously.

"Oh, he's too chicken to admit it," someone from the crowd jeered.

"Say it, Officer! Say it!" someone else called.

"Say it! Say it!"

Saitou stared dumbfounded at the crowd, and they returned his stare with hopeful, eager-for-action ones. "I…"

"You hate me, don't you?" Soujirou panted, his arms starting to tense up as he prepared to pounce again. "You always hated me! Always! You always…"

"Fine!" Saitou roared. "Fine! I get the point!" Groaning, he turned back to face Soujirou.

"Soujirou…"

"Yes?"

"Soujirou, my son…"

"Yes?"

"Say it!" someone from the crowd hissed, and Saitou glared at him.

"Soujirou, my son…"

"You already said that!"

"Soujirou, my son…"

"He's repeating himself…"

"Must be the shock."

"Shut up! Listen, you bas… I mean, dear little eh… boy. I, as your (imaginary) father have always loved you."

"Daddy!" Soujirou cried out, throwing his arms around Saitou as the crowd burst out into happy tears, clapping and cheers.

Saitou groaned and buried his face in his hands. Oh the total, undeniable, unforgettable humiliation. Once he got some sense back into the boy and stopped all this silly back-to-the-past nonsense, he was going to kill him.

"On your feet," he hissed, "You are embarrassing me!"

Soujirou climbed unsteadily to his feet and flashed a huge goofy grin. "Daddy," he mumbled then toppled backwards in a dead faint.

"What the…" Saitou stared wordlessly at the prone figure on the ground then pulled out a cigarette and started to puff on it. "Show's over," he snapped at the crowd, "Everyone go away, now!"

A flash of deep purple and blue.

With a sinking sense of dread, Saitou remained shock-still, the cigarette forgotten between his fingers, staring into the crowd where his wife was standing – with a spade in her hands.

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"Tokio, my love, my splendid wife, my beautiful metaphorical katana," he stammered, trailing miserably behind his suspiciously silent wife, "You must listen to me. That was not what it appeared to be. This boy… this… Soujirou… he has a traumatic past, and thus occasionally lapses into this state where he thinks the person responsible for his current problem is his father or something like that and…" He trailed off when he failed to get a response from his wife. "I was only trying to calm him down like a good policeman," he tried, shooting dark glances at Enishi who was carrying Soujirou over his shoulder, "Since my other subordinates chose not to listen to my orders when I give them."

"Hey, don't blame me," Enishi mumbled, "I was certain Soujirou could kill both you and me bare-handed when in that mood."

"Tell her, Himura!" Saitou roared, turning furiously onto Kenshin. "It was your bloody idea to play that idiot's father anyway!"

Kenshin scratched his cheek helplessly. "Eh… Tokio-san? Actually…" He broke off as a piercing glare was leveled on him.

"This is between me and my husband," she said coldly, "Speak any further and I will ensure that the only place you are going to tonight, is your grave."

"Tokio," Saitou tried, bending slightly to speak to her, "My love, my beautiful, sweetest wife…"

"First Eiji, now this," Tokio broke in, stuffing her pouch furiously into her obi, "Whatever has gotten into you, Saitou? Do you think our home is a half-way house for lost and lonely psychotic orphans?"

There was a long silence then Saitou sighed in relief. "Oh, is that what you were angry about, my love? That is easily settled; Seta can continue staying at the barracks like always and…"

"After you have admitted in front of the entire town that you are his father?"

"… Well, now that you put it that way…"

Tokio threw up her hands in disgust. "Always the man of action, aren't you, my lord?"

Saitou drew himself up. "We of the Shinsengumi are used to being hated all the time. This shall be no different."

"No different?" Tokio shrieked. "I'm not of the Shinsengumi, Saitou Hajime, and I refuse to be stared at every time I step into the market for a little grocery shopping!"

Kenshin and Enishi exchanged brief glances as Saitou visibly cringed under his wife's wrath. "Then my love…"

"He will just have to move into our house too."

There was another brief silence during which Kenshin, Enishi and Eiji all exchanged glances with each other (how they accomplished that unanimously is something even this author does not know).

"So…" Saitou began slowly, "I am going to adopt Seta Soujirou, the Tenken, former right-hand man of Shishio, who is capable of running faster than the speed of light, killing off half of Japan in less than two days, and who occasionally goes crazy because of his traumatic past?"

"Yes, my Lord."

"Oh my…"

"Hey, hey!" Enishi piped up. "What about me?"

"What about you?" Saitou snarled, busy indulging in self-pity.

"Well, you said that Pretty-Boy and I have to stick together right, because of our guard squad?" Enishi cued, gesturing at the ring of weapons around them. "How are we to do that if we both live in different places?"

There was a long silence then Saitou groaned. "Now, I am about to adopt an ex-mafia boss who is capable of obtaining any kind of weapon made by man, and who speaks to his dead sister all the time?"

"It would appear so, my lord."

"I should start considering seppuku."

"Do that, my lord, and I shall introduce you to the new spade I bought just earlier this day."

"Oh right…"

Enishi and Eiji exchanged amused looks then secretly slapped each other high-fives.

"Being the best friends in the world will be so much easier this way," Eiji whispered.

"You don't say," Enishi whispered back, smirking at the look on Saitou's face.

"Hey!" Kenshin yelped suddenly. "Doesn't that mean I'll become related to Saitou by… eh… marriage… because Tomoe was my wife… and so Enishi is my brother-in-law… and if Saitou adopts Enishi then…"

Saitou's eyes bulged out (the best they could, given their miniscule size). "I've become Battousai's father-in-law?"

There was a long silence as both party walked dazedly, still reeling in the terrible news.

"But that's ok, right?" Saitou tried. "Because… I mean, I've tried to kill you a million and one times already, which is perfectly normal father-in-law… son-in-law relationship, right?"

"Well… yeah, I guess. I wouldn't know. Both my wives didn't have fathers… not that I know with Tomoe, anyway…" Kenshin trailed off miserably. "My father-in-law is Saitou Hajime… oh god, the horror! I've got to keep this from Kaoru…"

Enishi watched on in amusement as Kenshin tried to deal desperately with the news. Then he tilted his head to his right. "Hey, Saitou!" he called. "What about nee-san? Is she adopted too?"

Saitou leveled an eye on him. "Since adopting you is obviously a two in one package, yes." He scowled on the ground. "At least I don't have to talk to her."

"Cool," Enishi smirked.

Suddenly, there was a low groan from his shoulder, and he turned his head the best he could to look.

Slowly, the baby blue eyes opened and Soujirou lifted his head painfully. "Oh… my head… huh?" he mumbled. "What happened? What am I doing up here?" Then he caught a glimpse of Saitou's death-inducing glare, grinned and chirped, "Hi, Saitou-san! So what did I miss?"

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Enishi folded his shirt in two and carefully packed it into a piece of cloth (just like nee-san instructed), staring at Soujirou out of the corner of his eye.

"Do you think he's alright?" he whispered to Eiji, who was helping Soujirou pack his things.

"I don't know," Eiji whispered back, "I don't have much experience with psychos. The only ones I have ever met are Saitou-san… and of course, Tokio-san."

Both of them turned and watch Soujirou, who was curled up in a corner and talking to himself as he rocked gently.

"You shouldn't have told him the news so quickly," Eiji decided, "You should have broken it to him gently."

"Hey, how was I supposed to know?" Enishi demanded defensively. "All I did was say, 'Hey, Saitou Soujirou. Guess what? We're brothers now, and our father's the infamous Saitou Hajime. Oh, and our brother-in-law's Himura Battousai. Now ain't that cool?' How was I to know that it would induce a… fit? I took it well, because now we've come from a line of great war heroes."

Eiji rolled his eyes. "When Saitou-san told me he was taking me in, I went into a fit. You're the abnormal one, Enishi-kun! You even engineered your own adoption."

"Nee-san thought it was a good idea," Enishi scowled, "Right, nee-san? Because now Saitou can't kill me or Tokio-san will have his brains for dinner."

Carefully, Eiji tilted his head and stared at Enishi's immediate background. "You know, Enishi-kun," he said slowly, "I meant to ask you about this; who on earth is this 'nee-san' you keep mentioning?"

"Oh, my sister. She's dead," Enishi informed him, "She got killed by Battousai… you know, the red-head who was with us today? Our new brother-in-law… well, not so new for me anyway…"

"And you can talk to her?"

"Sure. She's right here in this room now."

Slowly, Eiji returned his eyes to Soujirou's undergarments. "Enishi-kun…"

"Yeah?"

"For my honour, I must first inform you that I am not a coward, and that I am not a sissy-pant."

"Ok?"

"Because I am going to start screaming very loudly and run out of the room right about… now."

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On the first floor, Saitou smoked moodily, leaning against one of the canons. "You know," he remarked. "When I first married Tokio, I always dreamed about how our children would look like. And, the only part about my daydreams that came true is the part about at least two of them being great fighters." The men kept their weapons firmly fixed in the direction of the barracks.

"That sucks huh," he went on, "Hell, I actually tried to kill two of them before. Of course, that is perfectly normal fatherly behaviour. At least, I've seen it happen with bears. I guess that's why kids can often outrun adults." He shuddered. "Saying 'I love you' is so not natural. Only Battousai would think it was natural." One or two weapons trembled slightly before the hands holding them steadied themselves again.

He raised one eyebrow as Eiji suddenly came flying down the stairs, screaming loudly, before disappearing in a cloud of dust. "Hmm…" he noted, "must have just started to register that his two new brothers belong in a mental asylum." He shook his head disgustedly at the vanishing black dot that was his adopted son. "Seems Seta… I mean, Soujirou has already taught Eiji the basics of Shukuchi. Ah well… I suppose that could be considered perfectly natural brotherly behaviour…"

He moved to snuff his cigarette out on the canon. Immediately, a hundred and twenty-six eyes widened and turned on him in a panic.

"Ah… but you never know," Saitou went, pausing with the cigarette still in his hand, "maybe we could get along. That Seta… Soujirou is sufficiently obedient and easily kicked around… for a while at least, until he goes psycho… and that Yuki… Enishi, that boy could be useful in hunting down all those criminal organizations and… Eiji… Eiji… Eiji… Eiji… could be a messenger boy? Hmm…" The cigarette continued its downwards descent and sixty-three mouths dropped open slightly in terror.

"On the other hand," Saitou mused, his hand pausing again, "With sufficient training, I'm certain I could make Eiji quite the swordsman. Then he can go torment Battousai's descendants the way I torment Battousai… my… suddenly… son-in-law…"

"Saitou!" Enishi crowed, emerging from the barracks with one arm laden with baggage and the other occupied by a shaking Soujirou curled up in a fetal position. "We're ready to go!"

Saitou scowled. "Ok." A hundred and twenty-six eyes relaxed and sixty-three mouths closed as the cigarette was dropped harmlessly on the ground and squashed out.

"Say, did you see Eiji?" Enishi asked, looking quite comfortable despite his load. "I'm sure I heard him run out."

"He's probably off playing somewhere," Saitou muttered distractedly.

"Hey," Enishi went on, "so, do I continue calling you Saitou, or do I call you Father?"

"Father!" Soujirou squeaked, his eyes widening.

"Hey, glad you agree with me, Blue-Boy," Enishi remarked, smirking.

"Saitou will do," Saitou growled.

"Ok… hey, Eiji!" Enishi stooped towards the bush by the side of the road suddenly, bending over and picking up a white-faced figure. "What're you doing in the ditch?" When he got no response, he simply shrugged and tossed Eiji on top of Soujirou. "Hang on, buddy."

"Father…" Soujirou whimpered.

"Nee-sam…" Eiji whimpered back. Both of them exchanged looks before clutching each other fearfully.

"Aw, isn't that cute," Enishi sneered, "Acting brotherly already. Where's my share? I'm your brother too!"

Saitou shook his head and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "If you guys want to group hug," he growled, "Do it somewhere else, please. I don't want to go blind."

"Father!" Soujirou squeaked.

"Nee-san!" Eiji squeaked back. Both of them clutched to each other (and a handful of Enishi's hair each) harder.

Saitou shook his head. "Both of you get down on walk on your own now!" he roared. "Or I'll show you something even worse than Fathers and Nee-sans!"

Slowly, Soujirou and Eiji slid to the ground. "There now," Enishi smirked, "Let's start with the baby steps, babies!"

"Hey!" Eiji protested snapping out of his daze. "That's big brother behaviour!"

"Yeah," Enishi shot back, "but I'm the oldest kid here, right?"

"But I was adopted first!" Eiji retorted.

"So? I'm still older than you… or speed-addict here."

"Yeah, but I…"

Soujirou was between them suddenly. "What about me?" he asked, smiling brightly, seeming to have slid back into his usual mood.

"Not you too, pretty-boy! You obviously belong in the middle."

"Yeah! I was adopted first…"

Saitou spun around, his eyes smothering. "The three of you shut up!" he thundered. "Or I'll Gatotsu the three of you up your…" He hesitated, trying to find an appropriately fatherly word, "… up your behind," he ended lamely.

Enishi and Eiji exchanged looks. "Ok," Enishi said bravely, "but that means you've got to settle who's the oldest here. I mean, Eiji was adopted first, but I'm older!"

"What about me?" Soujirou asked again.

"Oh, you're definitely the middle-child," Eiji said immediately.

"Yeah, you've got the middle-child disposition anyway."

Soujirou smiled and stared off into the distance dreamily. "Ok," he conceded, "I'll take middle-child."

Saitou eyed Soujirou suspiciously before turning back to his other two new sons. "Well…" he began, "We could easily settle this with a battle…"

"But that's not fair!" Eiji wailed. "I haven't learned how to fight properly yet because my father is always too busy to teach me!"

Saitou raised an eyebrow. "But just now you performed quite a stunning basic Shukuchi move."

"Shukuchi? Is that like… edible?" .

"Eh… never mind then." Saitou rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Or, we could easily settle it the Shinsengumi way…"

The three brothers exchanged swift, frightened looks. They have heard much about Shinsengumi methods. Most of the time, those methods involved a wakizashi or tanto, a second and a lot of blood. Sometimes, it involved rope, swords and a large, terrified audience.

"Eh… what Shinsengumi way is this?" Enishi asked cautiously.

"Oh," Saitou said distractedly, "it's a very easy and clean method. It's a kind of hand game called tanto, paper, stone."

There was a long silence then Eiji questioned, "Hand game?"

Saitou smirked. "Okita was the one who invented this. What did you expect? Seppuku?"

"Yes."

Smirking, Saitou shook his head. "The Shinsengumi reputation has spread so far," he said. "We don't always do seppuku…"

"Really?"

"Sometimes we do executions instead."

"Oh…"

"So what are you boys waiting for anyway?" Saitou demanded. "Settle this issue once and for all. Just do it this way… see?"

"Eh… ok…"

Enishi, Eiji and Soujirou faced each other.

"Tanto…"

"Paper…"

"Stone."