A/N: D: Okay, this is my first fic, it's Bunny's...god knows how many she's done! (Bunny: 5th if i remember correctly.) Okay this is how it goes, I write a chapter- by the way, one chapter equals 2 chapters on the Charlie And The Chocolate Factory DVD- and then Bunny writes one, then me, then her etc...
Title: Chris and The Pie Factory or Pillsy Patty and The Pie Factory
Author: the mentallyinsanegirls! There's 4 of us! Read our profile!
Rating: M for but in original ratings- R.
Warnings: Coarse language, Sexual references, character deaths (humourous though!), violence, drugs- EVERYTHING!
Pairing: It's kind of a cycle, we won't spoilt it so we'll use original names here: Mike likes Wonka, Wonka likes Violet's mum, Violet's mum likes Mike's dad, Mikes dad is a paedophile and likes Charlie, Charlie likes Veruca, Veruca likes Violet and Violet likes Mike. Faints after saying all that
Summary: It's obviously a rude and crude parody of Charlie And The Chocolate Factory! Filled with swears, drugs, sexual references and twists! Children don't disappear, they die! Golden tickets? No way! Incoming, RAT'S BODY PARTS! Chocolate? No, pies! It's funny, it's rude, it's not for the light hearted and easily offended. In other words, for people who can take a joke. Movie references!
Prologue
It was snowing. Just like any other day in Britain. Or was it America? Psh...screw it...
The townspeople did find it unusual for a giant Warner Bros. Pictures and a Village Roadshow logo to be floating in mid air beside Pillsy Patty's Pie Factory, but just left it at the theory for another false UFO sighting in Britain. I mean...you know what? Let's just call the place Britainica, okay? Let me start again!
It seemed like just another foggy, snowy day for the townspeople, but little did they know what was Mr Pillsy Patty was brewing in that gargantuan Pie factory of his. And we don't mean alcohol!
Inside the factory, it was crystal clear the Mr Patty was preparing for something huge. He had set his machines to full speed, even though he knew it could cause damage to them in the future.
No one ever knows what the pie-maker stores in his pies, or how he makes them overall. But from the looks of it, it's not very pleasant. Not pleasant but undoubtly delectable! God knows how...he really does! You see one of his workers is named God and he tells him everything about it!
Pies were being filled right to the top of the pastry, letting off a disgusting stench but a mouthwatering aroma after being cooked by customers. The insides looked ravishing, but the customers will never know what is really in those pies. Well, all except 10 people- 5 children and a parent each.
This was Pillsy Patty's latest plan. After health inspectors discovered the truth about the factory, they threatened to close it down until he finally makes decent pies. But before they could leave, Mr Patty got his army of workers to kill them all, gruesomely. Pillsy Patty hates to put things to waste, so I guess you can at least predict what he did with their, ahem, leftovers.
"Mommy, mommy! Look what I found in my pie!" a little girl in pink once said.
Her mother leaned over the table and smiled, "What is it honey?"
"A ring!" the girl beemed, holding up the gold ring with glee.
The mother's expression was an unusual mix of shock and disgust.
One of the health inspectors escaped without harm, but didn't expose him. Instead, she told the government to keep the whole deal in silence, to avoid complaints and mobs. They came down to the agreement that he would be sent to jail for life...if they found out a way to get to him!
Pillsy Patty never opened his gates to anyone after the incident, but things change, don't they?
The room was soon hushed by his appearance, usually he'd go back to the inventing room and shock the shocker monkeys if they didn't shock the workers enough. He walked in with a red, greasy bucket, which he soon rested on a machine. He raised his hand, fiddled his fingers for a bit, and reached in, and pulled out a...
The workers winced in disgust when they saw Mr Patty squeaze in half a rat's head in the nearest pie. A couple of the workers fainted, some scampered out of the room to throw up. Some threw up right on the spot, causing other workers to feel squeamish as well.
Mr Patty did the same with four other pies. He had put in the bottom of a rat, meaning the legs and the tail, one side of it's body, the other side of it's body, and the other half of the rat's head.
He turned around and gave a perplexed frown at the now purple faced workers. He frowned for a moment or two, but then gave a misleading grin.
"No need to worry! It's not a real rat!" he chimed with a small hand gesture, but then realised there still was blood smothered on it and uneasily hid it behind his back.
"Better get back to work! Don't make me call the shocker monkeys to this room!" In that said, the workers instantly went back to work, with a false smile to Mr Patty as we passed each one, heading for the exit.
Cardboard boxes were being filled up with more boxes of Patty's Pastry's. These had to be sold quick or the contest will never be! The boxes were all labelled to all of the finest places of the world- Port Royal, Middle Earth, Baka-Laka-Daka Street, Narnia and who could forget Hogwarts, School Of Witchcraft and Wizardry! Wait a minute! Wait a godforsaken minute!...Baka-Laka-Daka Street is a street! Which, I might add, did not specify the number of the place this stock must be sent to! Ugh, Kim Jong Il can handle it...okay Narrator, you take it from here. I'm gonna go have a smoko while you narrate for a while...don't touch my sandwich you fat bastard!
Narrator: This fat bastard made that sandwich! Oh! Uhh, this is kinda embarassing...ahem, okay...END PROLOGUE!...This is a story about an ordinary 12 year old youngster named Chris Pee Schitt. Haha! What a loser name!
Ahem, okay...he was not faster, or stronger, or more clever than any other children...he in fact was worse. He is the slowest, weakest, stupidest 12 year old in Britanica. If you don't understand why I said Britainica, I suggest you start reading from the top again, hey?
I'm not even gonna bother about his family. Let's just say they live in a retarded looking house that looks like was hit by Hurricane Katrina and Tracy at the same time, and they eat cabbage for dinner. Two words. Ha. Ha.
For you bloodthirsty violence cravers, just think about their door! If someone was standing behind it, and you opened it, kablamo! The poor bastard will be seeing stars!
"Can you please just tell the story?" Chris asked the narrator, who was about to enter his home, with that innocent look on his face.
Narrator: Hey! Don't tell me how to do my job you piece of...aahhh I can't resist that look! Alright then...Chris Pee Schitt was the luckiest dude on the planet, he just didn't know it yet...cos he's freaking stupid, remember? Okay Fred, hit the lights!
The town soon darkened and the city lights beemed throughout the streets.
Narrator: Yeah, yeah, very nice. Am I done here? Yes? Yes? Alright! I will talk to y'all...laaaaaaater...
Mrs Schitt tasted her cooking thoughtfully while Chris was busy finishing his homework. Chris looked up to see his mother frowning at her cooking, wrinking her nose in disgust.
"Goodness, it tastes like...like..."
"Shit?" Chris asked with laugh.
Mrs Schitt glared at her son with a smile, "Very funny, Chris, very funny..."
Chris chuckled for a bit, then hopped out of his seat and went towards the door, where he had left his school bag. He attempted to shove in his schoolbooks, then realising it was harder than it looked.
Mrs Schitt looked worrily at her son, "Chris, you might not want t-"
Before she could warn him about it, again I might add, the front door burst open, knocking Chris into the wall. His screams were muffled, since his head was stuck in the wall. That particular wall was made out of cardboard anyway.
Narrator: I knew this would happen sooner or later! Haha! Shame Chris! Shame! S-H-A-M-E! Okay I'll go now...
"Aaaaahh..." Chris moaned has he rubbed the back of his head. Mrs Schitt dropped her wooden spoon and raced over to Chris and helped him up.
Mr Schitt strolled in and saw Chris lieing on the floor, "Again?"
Chris gave a half-hearted smile, "Again."
Mr Schitt gave him a quick apologetic look and gave a nod to the grandparents, "Evening Schitts!"
"Evening!" they all chimed in return. There were 4 of them. Still, for some reason, all alive and well. There was Pyla Schitt, Pieca Schitt, Loder Schitt and Jack Schitt.
"Dinner's almost ready darling!" Mrs Schitt stated as she gave her husband a peck on the cheek, "I, uh, don't suppose you found anything on your way home to put in, hm?"
Mr Schitt gave her a glum smile and shook his head.
Mrs Schitt shrugged, "Oh well, nothing goes better with cabbage than cabbage!"
Grandpa Loder cut in, "Well actually-"
Mrs Schitt cleared her throat loudly and frowned at him, giving him a "Don't-Go-There-In-Front-Of-Chris" look. Chris clearly noticed and smiled, "Don't worry, I know there's better things to go with cabbage...but either way with Mum's cooking it's all gonna taste like shit!"
Everyone burst out laughing, except MrsSchit of course who turned a deep shade of red and looked sadly at her cooking.
Mr Schitt leant over Chris and whispered in his ear, "I've got something for you, Chris!"
Chris eagerly followed Mr Schitt's hand as he dropped a handful of clumpy rocks onto the table. They all let out a nauseating groan, except Chris who smiled with glee, grabbing the handful.
"It's exactly what I need!"
Chris ran over to the desk and pulled up a tray with an exact replica of the factory made out of...
"Ugh!" Chris groaned, turning his face as he held up the tray, "It's attracting flies again, Dad!"
Mr Schitt rested on the chair Chris was previously on, "You mean more? Of course it's attracting flies, Chris! It's made out of, well, shit! Literally!"
Chris forced a grin, "I know, I know. I just wish they'd just...just...-Chris leaned in closer towards the replica and shot a furious glare at the buzzing flies- "...FUCK OFF!"
Mrs Schitt almost dropped her pot of cabbage stew, instead, dropping her wooden spoon once again, "Chris! Where are your manners?"
Mr Schitt frowned at Chris, "Yeah! If you want the flies to go away, say please!"
Chris rolled his eyes and frowned at the flies again, but with a less angrier expression, "Little flies that a buzzing around my masterpiece, will you please fuck off?"
Mr and Mrs Schitt smiled at one another, pleased to see that he improved his manners at will.
Narrator: "Everybody's working for the weekend!'...huh? What the fuck? Now? Ugh...alright...Are you sure I'm supposed to talk no- hey! Fuck you too! You-you wanna piece of me? Huh? Huh!
"Don't mean to be rude sir," Mr Schitt started, staring at the narrator, "But we'd really like to get on with the story!"
Narrator: Get on with the story? Oh my god, you wanna fuck the story! Haha!
"What? No I never said-"
Narrator: Don't deny your feelings man! Back the story...well what can I say. Mr Schitt works at the City's Zoo shovelling animal shit all day. Whoopdeedoo. He gets hardly any pay and brings home clumpy bits to Chris. Disturbing, yes...okay...take it Schitts!
"What's it for, Chris?" Grandpa Jack asked, raising his head a little to get a better view of the factory.
Chris carefully placed the mongulated piece of shit on a wonky looking figure of a person that was on the front of his replica.
Chris smiled at his work, and then to Grandpa Jack, "A head, for Pillsy Patty!"
"It's a quite a masterpiece, Chris."
Chris raised his eyebrows, flattered, at Grandpa Jack, "Really, you think so?"
Grandpa Jack closed his eyes, smiled and nodded, "Think so? I know so!"
"That's cos he's a bloody know-it-all, aren't ye' yeh old moron!" Grandpa Loder spat sourly. His wife, Pieca slapped him on the arm and muttered to him to stop it.
Grandpa Jack ignored him, "I used to work for him, you know."
It certainly caught Chris's attention. "Really?"
"I did."
"He did." Grandpa Loder agreed.
"He did." Grandma Pieca also agreed.
Grandma Pyla added for no reason, "I was a child molester at 21 and-"
"I used to work at his bakery!" Grandpa Jack continued, "The bakery down Cherry Street!"
"Cherry Street?" Chris frowned, "But the only thing there is a-"
"Strip club! I know, but before that sleazy place was there, Pillsy Patty's Bakery was the place where all children gathered after school...and the parents who were dragged along with them.
Narrator: PAUSE! Okay people, new scene! That's right, move the props! Come on...keep moving...keep moving...okay...the new set...is...IN! Action!
Grandpa Jack, 10 years ago, didn't look a day over 70. He realised they were out of spinach pies, so he went to the back room to meet Mr Patty, who was busy mixing in meat and gravy and other ingredients workers never knew about. He didn't look up, Grandpa Jack could only see the top of his famous top hat.
"Mr Patty?" Grandpa Jack asked, leaning in expectantly.
"Yeeeeeah?" Mr Patty asked in return, emphasizing the the "E" sound.
"We're out of Spinach Buns, and the customers are growing restless!" Grandpa Jack explained.
There was a long pause between them, but they could both hear the angry shouts from the front of the store.
"I WANT MY SPINACH BUNS! GIVE ME MY FUCKING SPINACH BUNS!"
"Sir, there's no need for profanity, the spinach-"
"My daughter won't go to school unless she has 50 of them! Give me 1000!"
Grandpa Jack snapped out of his listening session when he heard Mr Patty sigh.
"Alright..." Mr Patty sighed, grabbing something from his jacket and throwing it to Grandpa Jack.
Grandpa Jack nervously caught it, and looked at it for a while. It looked like a toothpaste bottle, but when he released the cap, the liquid was green.
"Eat it."
Grandpa Jack shot his head up, one eyebrow raised in confusion, "I'm sorry?"
"Eat it, just eat it!"
Grandpa Jack shrugged, and opened his mouth and squeazed as much of what was inside of it, into his mouth. It wasn't that hard to swallow, but eventually he felt unbelievably queazy.
"S-sir, w-w-what was th-that?" Grandpa Jack stammered.
"That's the new stuff you're gonna put in the spinach buns. I thought if you didn't throw up after eating it, it would be fine! Savvy?" Mr Patty said with a hint of false happiness, "And it looks like it is fine because you didn't-"
Grandpa Jack couldn't contain himself anymore. He threw up a vast amount of green goo right into Pillsy Patty's meat and gravy.
Mr Patty still didn't look up, even though he was drenched in green goo.
"...throw up."
Narrator: Pause! Back to old set! GO! GO! GO!...Keep it moving- come on, come on!...Fucking lazy assholes, the lot of them...okay...Schitt family home set...is...IN! Action!
"Eventually, Pillsy Patty opened a pie factory. The largest pie factory in the world! I am so honoured to have worked there." Grandpa Jack continued cheerfully.
There was a long pause in the room, the only sounds were the spoons clinging off the bowls they were eating out of. Finally, Mr Schitt broke the silence.
"Tell him about Mohammed Fadil, Jack." Mr Schitt suggested, nodding in Chris's direction.
Grandpa Jack's eyes lit up, "Ah, Mohammed Fadil. I'll never forget that story."
TBC...
