AN: round two!
Part II
--
Murrue felt torn three ways.
She felt guilty as she sipped her coffee—the brew made especially for her by Andy. She was grateful for Andy's support, both on the battlefield and off. He offered her assurance, and coffee, despite his own silent sadness. He had lost someone close to him, and if anyone could understand what she was feeling, it would be him. Thus, she discussed the matter with Neo with him, never noticing the sadness in his eyes. She was so busy wallowing in her own problems that she forgot to see if he was all right. Or maybe she didn't forget; maybe, she was afraid to look, because it meant she would have to look into her own heart. She'd be lying if she said she didn't care for Andy. In the past two years, they'd become friends, perhaps even more, but neither of them dared to think about that. Instead, they put up a wall of formality between them, still referring to each other by their last names. She felt horribly guilty because he had cared for her so much, yet she didn't do anything for him in return.
Then there's that man, who Murrue refused to call him by name, who was so like Mwu, yet so unlike Mwu. Over the past few months, she saw the blank look in his (familiar) blue eyes slowly being replaced by uncertainty, then kindness. Sometimes, when she looked into those eyes, she couldn't help but glimpse a hint of familiar kindness and love—or maybe it was her imagination, being so persistent and hopeful that this man was her Mwu that it created illusions in her mind. Other times, she saw confusion in his eyes and felt guilty. She felt sorry for him; it must be hard not knowing who you were, and the hope that must've been in her eyes probably hurt him even more. But the worst part was, despite her rational mind constantly telling her not to, she subconsciously felt drawn to him, caring for him more than she would've liked. Was she that stupid? Didn't she ever learn? She buried her past along with her heart, so that she would never make that same stupid mistake ever again. It angered her that once again, she let her guard down so easily and let this man claim her heart, stirring up emotions of the past that she long ago shoved away.
And then there was that guilt, the horrible guilt weighing down her heart, threatening to choke her. She felt she was betraying him, betraying her Mwu's memory.
She remembered the advice she'd given to Miriallia about Tolle and Dearka. But it seemed so difficult to follow her own advice.
"He'd want you to be happy."
Murrue let out a bitter chuckle. Happy. That word was so vague. What is happiness? Would she be happy to move on and fall in love with a man who she wanted, yet dreaded, to love? Or would she be happier pushing him away and revel in her memories of the past?
She remembered the days of the past, days of happiness that she'd spent with him, days that would never come again. She remembered clearly his voice, his laughter, his support, and his love, things that man seemed to possess, yet lacking. That's what was so confusing when it came to that man. She seemed to constantly contradict herself when she thought about him and Mwu. But then again, life was a contradiction. They say that history repeats itself—and indeed, it seemed that way; Murrue could see it everywhere around her, both in the political world, and in her own little world—yet it never seemed to repeat the good parts.
Murrue sighed. Why couldn't life be simpler?
She felt torn. Should she take a chance and hope history would replay the parts that she wanted it to?
--
--
Andy strolled through the halls of the Archangel with a mug of coffee in hand. He was looking for Captain Ramius, wanting to discuss their next move with her. He went to the bridge, where he expected her to be, but he found Neo instead, standing at the window, fingers slowly tracing patterns on the cold glass.
Hearing the hiss of the elevator door, Neo turned and mumbled a greeting to Andy before turning back to the window.
Andy was about to leave him be, but there was something on Neo's face as the two men's gazes met that caused him to make his way to where the other man stood.
"Something troubling you?" Andy asked casually as he took a sip of his coffee.
Neo didn't answer, just stared out at the port of Orb. But Andy could clearly see that something was bothering him.
The two men were silent. Andy glanced at the man standing beside him and noted that he had changed a lot in the past few months. He seemed to have lost that contemptuous attitude of when he was first brought on board and took on a grave one. He looked so lost and confused that Andy almost felt sorry for him.
"This place," Neo broke the silence, "It seems so familiar, yet unfamiliar. It's like I've been here before, but it wasn't really me. I don't know what to think anymore."
Neo looked down, eyes full of sadness, "I, I came back when she told me to leave. I shouldn't have done that; I'm probably causing her more pain by staying here."
"But the fact that you came back means you care about her, and the fact that she let you stay with her," Andy looked away and swallowed, "Means she cares about you as well."
Neo looked up, eyes full of surprise. He never thought about it that way.
"You think so?"
Andy nodded slowly with a sad smile.
Neo let out a sigh. "I don't. I get the feeling that she still loves this 'Mwu', and I must be reminding her of it every moment."
Andy couldn't help but let out an ironic chuckle. "But you are Mwu. Everyone knows that, the captain included, even if she may not be willing to admit it."
"But that's just it! I'm not sure if I am him or not. I'm not sure who I am anymore," Neo looked down, seeming to collect himself by pushing his doubts and confusion aside for now.
"And what if I'm not? What if I won't become him? What then?"
Andy turned to the man beside him and gave him a reassuring smile, though his eyes held a hint of sadness.
"I don't think that matters anymore."
AN: hmm, I think this is turning out longer than I originally planned... think there may be more than three parts...
anyway, I really wished Andy and Neo would have some interaction, but I think they purposely got rid of Andy before Neo came on board... oh well... means I'll have to write my own then!
