D- I see you watching me, watching you...and now you see...what? oh right, um, chapter 3 ppl. enjoy.
About 50 little people raced out on little motor bikes, spreading out all over Britainica, leaving tracks on the snow. The all seemed to go at the exact same speed as each other, riding the same type of motorbikes and wearing the same clothes. The all eventually stopped at a seperate pole each, pulling out a piece of paper and sticking it on the pole. Once it was done, they hopped back on to their motorbikes, and raced off to the nearest, unpostered pole.
For a couple of these...things...it obviously seemed like it was their first time on a motorbike. For one reason, most of them skidded across the icy roads with a screech and crashing right into the poles, forgetting the brakes. The rest? They couldn't handle the motorbike properly, and as they took off, it spazzed out on them and crashed into the factory walls. Not a good start. The lucky remainder managed to get all their posters on every pole by morning.
Narrator: Hit the lights Frank! It's daytime now! And chuck in some snow!...What?...WHAT? We're out of snow? How the fuck can you be out of snow? Well...use the flakes from your flaky scalp you moron! Improviiiiiiiiise, man! Action! Get scratching, Frank...
In the morning, it started to slightly, uh, snow, and a little boy came running to the nearest pole. It wasn't everyday when townspeople would see a boy run to a pole for no reason, so they started to feel suspicious. They followed the boy, plus several other people. Ignorant Chris pushed in between everyone, not knowing that there are hundreds of other vacant poles to look at. There was a hush when they all read the poster in silence. The poster read:
Dear people of the world...well, Britainica for now, because my workers haven't made to any other fucking countries...lousy Earth, why'd it have to be so friggin huge? Anyway, I, Pillsy Patty, have decided to allow five kids into my factory this year. These lucky five will be shown around personally by me, in a non-sexual way, and will learn all the secrets and the magic of my factory. Might I add, people who quote this, especially to the cops, will be brutally murdered by my workers. In addition, one of these kids shall reciece a special prize beyond anything you could ever imagine. Once again, in a non-sexual way. Good luck to you all, you fat, greedy bastards! Happy hunting!
-Pillsy Patty
PS: Oh! I'm so fucking stupid, aren't I? I forgot to tell you how! Ha...yeah I suck...in only five of my famous pies, lies a piece of a rat's body! It's not what you think, it's not real...(has a laughing session)...it's just to cease your attention! If you find one of these, then you are one of the five who are allowed into my factory! Specially marked pies only.
It was like judgement day, but in a good sense. It was the topic that was brought up in every conversation. It pissed off a lot of lazy assholes because it took over their televisions- there were reports and 'Just Ins' everywhere. It was the talk of the town, an ice breaker, in fact.
A reporter stood in front of Patty's gates, recording another 'Just In' live.
"Five rat's body parts have been hidden underneath the pastry of five ordinary Patty Pies. These five pies could be anywhere- in any shop, in any street, in any town, in any country in the world, in any time...time? Err, okay...sales for Patty have skyrocketed, and it seems pretty obvious why!" the reporter said with Anchor-ish chuckle.
The camera-man signalled him to stop, "Aaaaaaaand cut!"
The reporter stopped smiling and they all began to pack up. "We don't have a warrant to report here, better leave before the cops come!"
Narrator: Set change people, set change! These next few are my favourite set changes! They're from my favourite movies, AND I get to harass the workers! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Aaaaaaaand, ACTION!
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The town's baker was certainly getting a workout, dealing with his British customers. The citizens of Port Royal were growing restless, and it almost looked like an angry mob.
"Hold your horses, I'll get to ya!" the baker growled.
"Hurry up then!" Lieutenant Gillette muttered, "Commodore Norrington will have my head on a platter if he doesn't get those pies. He says he wants to leave this shithole, away from the happy eyes of Mr and Mrs Turner and get into that factory to eat his sorrows away!"
"But it's for young'ns only?" the baker spat in disbelief.
Gillette shook his head with a satisfied smile, "No, no, actually, Commodore can actually impersonate a child quite well you see!"
"Move, bitch." growled a slurry voice behind him, eventually pushing him rudely to the side.
"For your information, I'm a son of a bitch, and a mother fucker, thank you very much!" Lieutenant Gillette corrected confidently.
The infamous Captain Jack Sparrow turned towards him slowly, raising his eyebrow, "Okay, that I did not want to know."
Jack Sparrow swiftly jumped over the counter and pulled out his gun, threateningly. He wasn't even pointing it at anyone, but everyone knew what he could've done.
"Give me all your pies!" Jack grunted at the baker, pointing the pistol at the baker's heart.
"Give me one reason why!" the baker grunted back, mocking the first couple of words.
Jack smirked, still glaring, "That Pillsy Patty gent is a relative of mine! I must meet him! And rob his ass!"
"No, Jack!" screeched Elizabeth from behind him. She threw herself on top of him, tackling him to the ground.
"I want that rat's body part!" Elizabeth hissed, her hair drooping on top of his face like a veil.
Jack stuck his tongue out like a stubborn child, "That rat's body part is MINE, bitch!"
The pirate flipped himself up, samurai style, sending her flying.
"Wrong! It's mine!" called a masculine voice.
Jack grinned, revealing his gold-capped teeth. He knew who it was.
"Son, I need it more than you do!" Jack stated calmly, turning around and seeing who he expected to see, "Will, me boy. You 'ave Elizabeth! Me?"
Jack shrugged and lifted his hands, in a sign to point out he has nothing.
Will beamed, but still frowning, "Are you being daft on purpose? You don't have nothing! The Pearl. Women. Rum. Riches. Anamaria."
Jack raised an eyebrow, completely baffled, "What the fuck? Since when did I have Anamaria? No one can tame that woman!"
Will ignored his question and stopped smiling like a Britsh Guard, and pounced on him, "Those pies are mine, you son of a bitch!"
Jack sniggered and got into battle position, "Over my dead body, son!"
Jack and Will wrestled for a bit, while Elizabeth bashed Lieutenant Gillette's head to the ground. She shouted at him, pausing to hit his head on the ground each time.
"The! Pies! Are! MINE!"
Narrator: Wow, I wonder if that's in the sequel? Anyway, SET CHANGE! Thank you Johnny, Orlando, Keira, that other guy, for doing this scene...next scene is ready?...And...ACTION!
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Frodo awoke to a violent shaking by his best friend Sam. He opened his eyes a bit, only to see a blurry image of his fat friend. He hand gestured him to leave, and pulled the blanket over his head. He was back home in The Shire and wanted to sleep in.
"Don't be screwball, Sam! Piss off, I'm so tired..." Frodo groaned, his voice was muffled by the sheets.
Sam obviously didn't leave. His last resort was jumping up and down on the bed.
"No! I am not leaving without you!"
The frightened sound in his friend's voice definately fully opened Frodo's eyes. He pulled down the sheets and frowned at his friend. "What's going on?"
Sam took one last giant leap off the bed and grabbed Frodo's hand. He began pulling him out of bed. "I'll show you!"
"Sam!"
Sam ignored his pleas, "Come on, move those feet!"
Eventually, Frodo realised what he was talking about. It was like wars again, but all in one small bakery.
Frodo frowned in disbelief as he walked towards the entry, to get a better view. "What in the world?"
Sam nodded, "I know, it's a fucking warzone in there. Entering the place would be suicide, eh?"
Sam glowered when he got no answer. "Right?"
Sam look to where Frodo was supposed to be, and realised he was gone.
"What the-"
He sighed when he realised Frodo had entered the store, and joined in on the fighting.
"Give me that pie! I want that pie! I need that pie! I must have that pie!" Frodo exclaimed, climbing on the back of a random person and smashing a vase on their head.
Sam ran up to him, dodging has many people- and items that were thrown- as he can. He raked his hands in his hair in utter shock.
"Frodo, have you gone completely berserk?"
Frodo ripped open the pie with delight and pouted when he found nothing. But then smirked devilishly back at his best friend and pointed to his head, his left eye twitching, "Like a fox!"
Frodo's eyes travelled away from Sam, opening wide for a minute, and then leaping right over Sam and tackling a man. Frodo planned to tackle him to the ground, but he was too big. The man turned around, as did Sam. Sam winced when he realised it was Aragorn.
Sam stared in horror, "You too?"
Aragorn smirked, trying to overthrow Frodo, who was bashing his head in with his fists, "I simply must have that rat's body part! It's my destiny!"
"Your destiny to stuff your face full of pies for a whole day with a guy with a ridiculous haricut?" Sam asked, mockingly.
Aragorn thought for a while, and then nodded, "Yep, I guess so!"
He resumed trying to be rid of Frodo, while Sam just turned around, mouth agape, not believing what he is seeing and hearing, and sat on the nearest, vacant chair and rested his head in his hands.
"This must be some horrible dream..." Sam consoled himself. He sighed heavily, and his eyes rolled back and fainted on the table. As his head hit the table, an arrow shot right above his head, plunging into a person's back, who instantly dropped the pie they were clutching.
"The pies shall be mine!" Legolas Greenleaf chanted, strutting over to the corpse and picking up the pie. Out of nowhere, Frodo leapt onto his leg and started gnawing on his foot.
Legolas's leg bucked, and tried to shake him off. "H-hey! What the fuck do you think you're doing?"
He didn't get his arrows, he was worried that the hobbit would move and the arrow would go through his leg. Instead, he started hitting his head with his bow.
"Fuck! Off!"
Narrator: Scene change! -clap clap- Come on! Move those legs! My mother's waiting in the car! She ain't gonna wait all day! Hurry the hell up! Okay, we ready? ACTION! -runs out the door-
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"Okay dudes, we should be having shipments of those Pillsy Patty pies coming along this road aaaaaany minute now, " Chris grunted, adjusting is orange tinted sunglasses. The Team had split up, Chris, Joe and Sarah were on one side of the road, Lisa and Gary on the other.
"This is gonna get ugly, "Lisa predicted into her microphone, more to herself than the others.
Suddenly, five large trucks with a big poster of Pillsy Patty's logo imprinted on it sped past them, leaving a huge smoke of dust into the air.
Gary coughed, causing more smoke, "Do you think that was them?"
"Let's go, let's go!" Joe commanded, attempting to catch up with the trucks. The Team followed.
(Insert "America, Fuck Yeah!" music here)
It was too late. The trucks had made it to the desired, stores, except one who swerved in a different direction. The Team stopped dead in it's tracks, deciding which way to go.
"Gary, Lisa, you stay here and handle these trucks!" Chris instructed, pointing directly at the trucks who were now unloading the pies, "Sarah, Joe and I will go after the other one! Mohammed Fadil is not getting those pies!"
The grunted in agreement, and split into the groups.
Gary and Lisa stared in horror to what they always expected to see. Everyone was going insane! Pulling each other's hair, kicking each other in the balls, biting each other's hands just to get the pies.
"Fuck." -was all Gary could say.
Lisa ignored him and attempted to break up the fights. "Okay stop it! No, you do not push! Hey! Give that guy his head back! Come on! Be civil! Violence is not the answer!"
Right at that moment, everyone was silenced at a loud gunfire from Gary. It sent people scattered and left a path for Gary to get to Lisa.
Lisa shrugged, "I guess sometimes, it is!"
Gary let out a shrill, Tarzan like scream and jumped right into the crowd of people, sinking right to the bottom. Lisa and Gary continued to pound the shit out of people, trying to get to each other. Meanwhile, back with Joe, Chris and Sarah...
"I don't believe it!" Chris spat, the cigarette dropping from his mouth. "This is fucked up, man!"
"Berieve it, you must, Team America, for I; Kim Jong Irr, is working together with Mohammed Fadirr in order to fuck up this worrd!" Kim Jong Il hollered, his hands calmly behind his back.
"Yeah!" Mohammed Fadil agreed, tossing a grenade up and down in his left hand, "And we don't want you Team Americans, fucking it up!"
Joe shook his head in disbelief and lunged after Fadil, "Imma fuck you up, man!"
Sarah and Chris said nothing, and went after Kim Jong. Kim Jong noticed it instantly, and pulled out a gun.
"Don't come near me! I'rr...I'rr...I'rr fuck you all up so much, that...that...you end up enjoying it!"
Sarah and Chris stopped and looked at each other, "...the fuck?"
Joe was still wrestling Fadil on the ground, both trying to strangle the life out of each other.
"Why do you want those pies? Tell me!" Joe managed to choke out.
"Pillsy Patty built me a hideout out of pies 15 years ago, it fucking exploded on me! I want another one!" he whispered, a strain in his voice.
"But won't that explode too?"
"Perhaps, but I might have enough time to blow up the White House!" the terrorist cried.
Joe's eyes widened, his hands released the grip for a bit, but it was long enough for Fadil to overthrow him.
Fadil raced towards the Pie truck and jumped in the back where the pies were. He lay on his stomach, and he crawled to the edge and leant his head into mid air. He sniggered at Joe, Chris, Sarah, and even Kim Jong.
Chris and Sarah had Kim Jong pinned, but turned around to see Fadil escaping.
Kim Jong fidgeted under their grip when he saw him driving away, "Hey! You can't reave me! We had dearr! A DEARR! You fucking bastard! I'm gonna fucking brow up your hide out, before it has a chance to itself! You heard me you greedy son of a bitch!"
Mohammed Fadil couldn't help but laugh. He laughed and laughed and laughed- not realising that he was laughing too loud. His voice vibrated the walls of the truck, sending the door of the back of the truck straight down, slicing his head right off. The driver obviously didn't know, nor did he realise the red stuff spurting from the back of his truck.
Chris took his glasses off, wiped them clean with a tissue and put them back on.
"Holy fuck."
Narrator: You know what to do! Set change people! CHOP CHOP!...My shit ain't gonna have all day! We good? We good? Good! ACTION! -races for the toilet-
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The Pevensie children made is quickly to the Beaver's house to see what all the fuss was about. They had left them a note pinned on the lightpost when they had reentered that day.
Peter was about to knock on their door when Mr Beaver opened it right away, letting out a sigh of relief.
"Oh, thank goodness you're here!" Mr Beaver said with an exhausted smile. He turned around and called for his wife, "Hey, they're here! The Pevensie kids are here! Come on!"
"Okay, okay, keep your tail on!" she exclaimed, waddling out the door with a purse in her hand.
Susan raised an eyebrow, "What's going on?"
Mr Beaver shut the door and locked it, while Mrs Beaver tugged on Peter's pants.
"Follow us and we'll show you!"
They had no time to protest, they just obediently followed them to the center of the forest. Once they got there, they saw the unexpected.
"What in the world!" Lucy cried when she saw, all the animals, elves, centaurs, knights and horses battling each other out in front of a large circus-like tent.
Edmund sniggered, "Lemme guess, Patty Pies outburst?"
The Beavers shot a confused look at Edmund. Mr Beaver finally asked, "Wha...how did you know?"
"It's happening in our world, too!" Susan explained, "I don't understand what the hype is about! They're just pies! Nothing amazing..."
Mr Beaver looked offended, as did Mrs Beaver.
"Nothing amazing?" Mr Beaver spat, "Those pies are the meaning of amazing! Which is why we brought you all here!"
Lucy nodded, "Right, to break up the fight and remind them that we can all have an equal share."
Mr Beaver snorted and then frowned, "Horse shit."
The Pevensie children jumped, they've never been around someone with such profanity. Edmund soon smiled, "Hey! You swore! That means I can too! Peter?"
"What?" Peter asked, narrowing his eyes at his brother.
"You're STUPID!" Edmund laughed, but then stopped to bask in his glory, "I swore!"
Susan rolled her eyes and shook her head, "That's not swearing, silly! This is swearing...Edmund, you are the most fucked up boy I've ever met, you talks nothing but bullshit! You're a little pussy who tells other people's secrets! There, that's swearing you pile of chicken shit!"
The children almost fainted, but all soon laughed and joined in.
Peter used his hand to outline a shape of a dick on his head, "You're a dickhead, Edmund!"
"You suck cock, Lucy!" Edmund giggled, pointing his tongue out at Lucy, who did the same back.
"You all are motherfuckers and like it up the ass and do it to each other every night!" Lucy, pleased with herself, folded her arms boastfully and nodded.
Peter shook his head in disgust, "You dumbass, Lucy..."
"Yeah!" Susan agreed with her older brother, "Everyone knows that it's just me and Peter, and it's NOT every night!"
Edmund's eyes nearly popped right out of his head, "WHAT?"
"Hey!" Mr Beaver called, grabbing their attention, "We called you hear for a reason! Not to talk about your sex life!"
"Okay, so you want us to break this fight up?" Peter finally asked, changing the subject.
Mr Beaver looked at his wife, and they both burst into hysterical laughter.
"Are you kidding?" Mrs Beaver choked out in between her laughs.
Mr Beaver wiped a sweat of his head after he stopped laughing, "We want you to go in there, and grab as many pies as you can, each! And make it out here before anyone notices you made it out alive!"
Once again, before they could protest, Mrs Beaver handed a bag of jewels to Lucy.
"That should be enough for the pies...now GO!"
The Pevensie children looked at each other for a while, then shrugged and walked confidently to the angry, violent mob. They all inhaled the mouthwatering aroma of the pies, and suddenly, Lucy dropped the bag of jewels, spilling it to the floor. The children then joined in the crowd, fighting and ripping open as many pies they could get their possesive little hands on.
"Fuck off, four-eyes!" Susan growled, pounding a knight in the face with her elbow. They all started growling and screaming as they got deeper into the fight, the Beaver's watched in horror.
"Oh, fucking, snap." Mr Beaver whispered to his wife, still mouths agape at the ugly scene in front of them.
Narrator: -toilet flushes- Aaaaaaaah, better...okay people, time for a set change! Let's go! Let's go!...Frank! Lights! Change the fucking lights!...Are we ready? HUH? HUH? Okay. ACTION!
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"Harry, "Hermione consoled Harry with her arm around his shoulder, "Snape will forgive you, promise!"
"Have you gone fucking mad, 'Mione?" Ron asked with a whiney sound in his voice, "This is Snape, we're talking about. Did you not hear us, Ssssnnnnaaaaape!"
Hermione scowled at the red headed boy next to her and turned back to Harry.
"Don't worry Harry, Snape will forgive you for sleeping with Ron. Besides, you forgave him for sleeping with Dumbledore, remember?" Hermione reminded with a comforting voice.
Harry ignored Ron's disgusted groan, "I...uh, actually have a confession. He only forgave me cos...well...I was in there with them!"
Hermione sprung from Harry's reach, bumping into Ron.
"WHAT?" Ron and Hermione gasped.
Before Harry could explain, McGonagall stepped in front of the doors of the Great Hall.
"I'm afraid I cannot allow anymore students in here."
Harry frowned suspiciously, "Why not?"
McGonagall sighed. A more human sigh. Not like any other of the false "Hogwarts" sighs she always does.
"Well...we were having Pillsy Patty pies for dinner tonight and-"
The trio looked at each with delight. They loved those pies, ever since the Weasley twins introduced them to them last year.
"- and, and, we thought it would be a treat for you! And then we realised we accidently ordered the specially marked packs, and, once everyone got in here, they started fighting each other for their pies, to see if they found that special token to win the prize."
"You mean the Rat's body part?" Ron said, lowering his head, eyebrows raised expectantly.
McGonagall shuddered and shook her head in disgust, "Yes...those."
Harry shook his head in disbelief and pushed past the Headmistress, "No, it can't be that-"
Once Harry opened the door, it revealed the the trio and McGonagall the madness that was inside the Great Hall. People were choking each other on top of the tables, students using their magic to overthrow opponents and stealing their pies, teachers being smashed on the backs with chairs, trying to confiscate the pies.
"...bad." Harry finally finished, after staring at the ugly scene for about a minute.
"Holy shi..." Ron trailed off when he noticed McGonagall scowling at him, "...taki mushrooms..."
"Professor!" Hermione called. McGonagall looked expectantly at Hermione, who was still looking forward. She turned and saw Professor Snape running towards them with about ten pies in each hand. Harry blushed and looked away, but noticed that about 15 students chasing after him.
"Severus, "McGonagall started, "Do you need any hel-"
"Fuck this, "he spat, throwing the pies at the trio and McGonagall.
Ron winced as a pie hit him right in the stomach, "Hey!"
They watched as Snape ran off with his hands in the air like a maniac, for a moment thinking if something during the time he was in there, snapped in his head.
"Hey look everyone! They have the last pies in the school!" a voice called.
The trio and McGonagall turned around to see that the whole of the Great Hall had silenced, but every eye was like a knife, stabbing into them.
"Oh fuck." Ron finally squeaked.
"GET THEM!" A voice hollered.
The screaming and shouts started once again and went after in a sea of students, all heading for Harry, Hermione, Ron and Professor McGonagall.
"RUN!" Harry boomed.
The four ran as fast as they can a way from the angry mob.
Narrator: Original Set People! What? Yes the Schitt's house! My god, why is everyone so fucking stupid? Okay, we ready, ACTION!
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Grandpa Jack shifted over so Chris could sit on the edge of the bed. They were into conversation about the Patty Pies outburst.
"Wouldn't it be something Chris, to open up one of those pies and find one of those rat's body parts?" Grandpa Jack said calmly, a gleam in his eyes.
"'Chaaa..." Chris answered, in a very "Surfish-Skatish-Guy Who's High" voice, but then gave half a smile and tilted his head to it's side, "But I only get one pie a year. For that day I'm always looking forward to! Umm..."
Grandpa Loder huffed and rolled his eyes, "Birthday, Chris, birthday. Don't make me spank you back to the stone-age just to get you to remember that!"
"Chris, it's your birthday next week so...AH!" she didn't finish, as she slipped on the slippery floor she had just mopped up.
"You have as much of a chance than any other child in the world." Grandma Pyla finished, encouraging Chris.
"Right, Chris finds this little prize and Britney Spears gave me head last night." Grandpa Loder spat rudely. "The kids who will find these little prizes will be the ones who can afford the pies everyday. Every mealtime, in fact! Our Chris only gets one pie a year, he doesn't have a bloody chance. They day he gets that prize will be the day Paris Hilton and I made a sex tape."
"Everyone has a chance, Chris, " Grandma Pyla ignored her husbands discouragement.
"Mark my words, Chris!" he continued, "The first child you finds this little prize will have some desperate reason why!"
TBC…….
Bunny: for the record this was written by d. I'm just doing the authors note. Right. Now. Review people!
