Chapter 11: Rowdy Rematch

The crew finally made it out of the detrivorous forest, meaning they could finally rip the masks off. Besides being ill-fitted for their rather protuberant snouts, the masks had a rather funky smell. But perhaps they shouldn't have been too eager to take them off while they were within range of the mushrooms and their spores for as they crossed Army Valley and around the giant hole where the late Army Dillo toppled from his throne, Donkey thought he heard a reedy snigger echoing up from the yawning chasm. While most characters would see this as an ominous foreshadow and try to convince themselves that they just heard it in their head (i.e. inhaled too many mushroom spores), Donkey didn't have the sophistication to follow this literary rote. Instead, he only glanced down the pit long enough to decide the threat wasn't urgent and then hurried after his companions, never giving them the chance to even ask him if there was something wrong and thus establish the foreshadow.

At last, they reached the spot where the giant Kremling was uprooting the trees and giggling hysterically, running into Candy, Funky and Kiddy.

"Oh, hey Kiddie." Tiny greeted the cute little ape. "What are you doing here?"

Before he could answer in cute baby ape garble, Candy exclaimed, "Oh, thank goodness you're here! It's that Kremling..."

"Don't worry, Candy," said Diddy, taking charged. "We'll handle him."

She protested, "No wait!"

But an ape in protect mode, or indeed four apes in defend-home-island-from-rotten-Kremlings mode, is not a force easily turned aside. Donkey, Diddy, Lanky, and Tiny all found trees to shimmy up and launched themselves onto the rampaging reptile, who only laughed all the harder. "Hur hur hur! No, please, stop! Hur hur! That tickles! Hur hur hur!"

"Oh dear," Candy sighed. "Now what do we do?"

Funky lifted his weapon. "Blast him with my bazooka?"

"Funky!"

While Candy was trying to get everyone to settle down and listen to her, the four Kongs joined Dixie in trying to bring down the mammoth Kremling attempting to destroy their island, searching every inch of him for a weak spot, which may or may not be glowing. But while they seemed unable to hurt him, K. Lumsy was incredibly ticklish and he was staggering from the force of his guffaws, sending out tremors with every step he took. "Please, hur hur hur, stop! Hur hur! I can't stand it! Hur hur hur!"

Then Candy and Funky felt tremors coming from another direction. Afraid that it was another Kremling or worse come to destroy their island, Candy cowered behind Funky, who cowered behind his bazooka and prayed he had enough combat boots to take it down. Closer and closer it came, the trees shuddering beneath its mighty steps. Candy's fingernails dug into Funky's shoulders while his knuckles turned white from gripping his bazooka so hard as the footsteps came closer and closer.

Then Funky dropped his combat boot launcher with a yelp and Candy jumped with a squeal as the giant stomped into view. Fanning herself, the female ape exclaimed, "Chunky, is that you?"

"Where is that lousy leatherhead?" Cranky barked from atop Chunky's shoulder. "We have some friends to introduce him to and their names are Sucker and Punch!" The big guy made even bigger by Cranky's mad science lifted his fists in demonstration.

Candy waved her hands frantically. "No wait! You need to listen to me!"

But Cranky was not the type to listen to anybody when his dander was up, or even when it wasn't. The moment he spotted K. Lumsy staggering around in the trees, he giddyuped Chunky, and though Chunky was more willing to see what the hysterical she-ape had to say, eventually Cranky's shrill call for death overwhelmed him and he charged for K. Lumsy with a primal yell.

This got his attention. As a matter of fact, he would have had to be blind, deaf, and clueless not to notice the 60-foot gorilla charging at him; he was clueless sure, but blind and deaf he was not, and he panicked, shielding himself and whimpering. It also got the attention of all the Kongs still trying to take him down.

"Look out!" Diddy cried.

A futile warning. K. Lumsy had already trampled the nearby trees so there was nowhere to jump off to safely. They could only watch in horror as Chunky stomped toward them, brought back a giant fist and then let it fly toward scaly behemoth's snout.

CRUNCH! The force of the punch snapped K. Lumsy's head back like a giant catapault. And who just so happened to be at the end of that catapault? Why, the main man, Donkey Kong, who at the moment before the impact had been tugging on the giant lizard's nostrils to get him to cry uncle. Like a simian shot from a cannon barrel, he soared over the jungle, howling all the way. He would have scared off every bird and tiny, scurrying creature on the island if they hadn't already abandoned ship when K. Lumsy had been stomping around.

Then he began his descent. He had cleared the top of the trees and was now on a crash course for Army Valley. More specifically, he was hurtling toward the giant chasm that had opened where the battle pit had once been before Army Dillo had grown too big for his britches and caused the collapse.

"AAAAAAOOOOOOO!" he howled, figuring his end after a good five-year run had come at last.

He sailed into the yawning chasm. Immediately, the balmy, tropical air dropped into chilling temperatures and a moment later Donkey splashed into freezing water. He was stunned so for a while it didn't register in his brain that he was still alive, but it didn't take long for the bite of the cold water to correct this and send him paddling for shore. When he got there, he was stunned again but in a different way.

He had fallen into a cavern rich in crystals of all sizes: from huge ones that would have put K. Rool's girth to shame to tiny ones like the puppy dog eyes of Tiny Kong. They glittered and sparkled from the stone walls like stars in the night sky. It would make a nice vacation spot once the whole business with King K. Rool and his Island Buster was finished.

Except someone was already down here and he was the sort of guy who ruined vacations or just days in general. The hairs on the back of Donkey's neck sprang up when he heard a reedy snigger and a voice sneer, "Well, well, well. Look who's come to let me pound him. How thoughtful." He turned to a corner of the cavern, which was shrouded in shadow.

From the shadows, King Army Dillo waddled into view. He sniggered, "Hello, Donkey. Remember me?"

Donkey shook his head. How could he forget? Reedy snigger? Slobbery words? Ugly snout? That was the sort of thing you forgot only if you were incredibly lucky.

"We didn't get to finish our battle, did we?" Army Dillo sniggered excitedly. "Well, now we can. No one else here and nowhere else to go. I have you all to myself, and by the time I'm done with you, you'll be begging me to give you a game over." He shook his shell, rattling the twin cannons on either side. "So let's go, Donkey! Time to see who's the real king of the jungle!" And he started the battle off with a round of artillery.

Donkey was immediately on the move to avoid the incoming fire and the cannonballs splashed into the lake from which he had emerged. Army Dillo kept the cannonballs flying, twisting to follow the laconic ape as he hustled around the cavern. The artillery hit the ground and walls, spraying dirt and crystals everywhere. When a particularly large crystal bonked DK on the head, raising a sizable lump, he was struck with inspiration. If a large enough crystal could be thrown at Army Dillo, it might be enough to stop him for good. Conveniently enough, there was an Army Dillo-sized one hanging right over his head. If Donkey could trick him into hitting it down, then it would be enough to put the egotistical maniac down for good.

But, as was mentioned before, Donkey didn't have a mind for strategy. His plan was to take fragmented crystals and cannonballs from the ground and chuck them at the enormous crystal instead.

Thinking the witless ape was aiming at him, Army Dillo sniggered and slurped, "Is that really the best you can do? That's pathetic! You couldn't even hit the broad side of a barn!"

But wouldn't you know it, brawns actually trumped brains this time, as little as there was between the two rivals. Donkey's throws were actually strong enough to crack the enormous crystal a little bit each time until finally it broke loose and dropped straight for the giant, loquacious Army.

He slurped, "Give it up..."

And thus were the famous last words of King Army Dillo just before the giant crystal squashed him flat. Donkey Kong felt pretty pleased with himself taking down a literal big head and he pounded his chest and yelled in victory. That was how the other Kongs found him. Chunky was still giant, so it was a simple matter for him to climb down into the cave and allow Donkey to climb up his body to the surface. After that, they all hurried back for a second showdown with the colossal kremling.