Bunny: Welcome! Welcome! Welcome to another amazing chapter of Chris and the Pie Factory!

Bakura: It's a piece of crap.

Bunny: -brings out machete- What did you say?

Bakura: Nothing, nothing!

Bunny: Right, now Ryou do the disclaimer.

Disclaimer: The mentally insane girls do not own the original plot of the story. They own nothing but the piles of crap that inhabit their bedrooms. No sueing!

Chapter 5: Of Pies and Annoying Children

Chris looked bemusedly happy, "Really? You'll let me open it tonight? But...when's my birthday?" he asked, once more resembling a very stupid dog.

Grandpa Jack smacked him over the head with his cane "It's tomorrow you dim-wit! What are you, retarded?" he yelled, hitting Chris again. "You'd think you were dropped on your head at birth!"

Mr. Schitt looked rather guilty, "Well you see, about that, I kind of, uhh, did." He muttered nervously, eyes darting nervously around the room. But as usual no one heard him because they were still ignoring him.

"There you are." Chris's mother said sourly, thrusting the pie into his hand. They had wasted $2.50 on that damn pie. Somewhere in the back of her head a little Devil Mrs Schitt was rubbing its hands together evilly. 'We'll get him. Oh yes we will. Just have to smother him in his sleep. That way we'll have more food. And no one will make fun of my cooking again!' it laughed evilly.
Mrs. Schitt didn't realize she was in fact laughing out loud. Everyone gave her a weird look and went back to watching Chris, who was staring off into space like some stoned hippie.

"Uhh, Chris?" Grandpa Jack asked, poking him in the head. "Are you going to open that?" When he got no response he became agitated, "Damn it Chris Pee Schitt open the damn pie!" he yelled kicking Chris off the bed.

Chris scrambled to his feet, rubbing his ass. "Oww." He sat back down on the bed, staring at the pie. Everyone crowded around him waiting for him to open his 'present'.

"Maybe I should wait till morning." He finally whispered.

Grandpa Loder waked him over the head with a rolled up newspaper "Open the fucking present! I'm not getting any younger!"

Mr Schitt sighed, "Pops. Leave the little moron- I mean boy alone." He instructed sternly. He was, as usual, ignored.

"All together we are 380 years old; we're not waiting for you to decide if you want to open the present. So you either open it now or I'll kick you out of this damn room right now and open that pie myself." Grandpa Jack threatened, brandishing his cane like a sword.

Chris slowly pulled the top off the pie, leaving only a thin covering of pastry over the meat. "Now Chris, don't feel disappointed if you don't get the...you know. Whatever happens, you'll still have the pie." Soothed his mother, who was still secretly plotting his demise.

Chris nodded dumbly and slowly began to pull back the thin pastry. When it was all gone he started digging his hands through the pie. After a while he stopped and sighed. "I didn't find a rats body part...but I did find something even cooler!" He exclaimed holding up a human eyeball.

"Uhh, that's great Chris." His father said looking worriedly at the pie.

Chris grabbed a knife and cut the pie into seven pieces and gave one to each. "No Chris." Grandpa Jack said looking kind of sick. "It's your pie. You eat it."

Chris shook his head, seemingly confused as to why they didn't want to have any pie. "It's my pie. I'll do what I want with it." He stated firmly. Everyone else sighed and accepted the piece of pie, pretending to enjoy it. Grandpa Jack turned a bit green when he saw a finger sticking out of the side of his pie though.

Narrator: Okay scene change people! Frank damn it! Fix those fucking lights. What? I don't care that you're entitled to a one hour break! I'm not paying you to sit around! Now move! Are you people done yet? Great. Action!

A man walked past and dropped a newspaper in the bin. Apparently they didn't have any pictures of men in bikinis. What a waste of money. Anyway, it just so happens that Chris, being the poorbe he is, was walking past and picked it up from out of the bin. On the front was a girl who looked as though she had pole permanently inserted up her ass.

Narrator: Change of scene! Claira have you finished the costumes? Well then hurry up! Are we good, people? Alright, ACTION!

Chris came barging through the door "Ok, dumbass let's see who got it." Grandpa Loder yelled. Chris handed it to his father who read out it out.

"The third Rat's Body Part was found by Miss Orchid Boringuarde..." read Mr Schitt.

Narrator: Scene change people! Come on move it! I have a date with a hooker after this! Errrr...ACTION!

Orchid Boringuarde kicked a guy in the balls then kneed him in the face. Another came at her from the side but she smashed his face into a pole. She looked down at her watch and shrieked as she saw the time. "Aahhh! I've gotta get home!" she yelled, running out of the room like she was being chased by a naked pedophile waving a thong above his head.

At her house, Orchid stood in a room full of trophies. "These are just some of the 203 trophies my Orchid has won." Her mother said gesturing to all the glimmering trophies.

"I'm a world class pie eater. So when I learnt about this contest I immediately started eating as many as I could." She informed them proudly.

"My Orchid is a dedicated young woman." Her mother said fondly, ruffling her hair. Orchid growled, grabbed a pie from the corner and hurled it at her.

"As you can see I'm also the junior champion pie tosser." She picked up another and threw it at a reporter in the front. He dropped his microphone,fell to the floor, started screaming and rolling on the floor in agony. Orchid continued, "They say this one kid's gonna recieve a special prize, better than all the others! That one kid, that's gonna be me!"

"Oh god! There's a syringe in my eye!"

"Tell them why Orchid." Her mother said more fondly than before.

"For the love of god help me!"

"Because I sleep my way to the top!" she finished proudly.

Narrator: Okay people, you know what to do! Frank have you fixed those damn lights? Good. Right action!

"What a horrible little girl." Grandma Pieca said, looking disgusted.

Grandpa Loder shook his head, "I dunno. She doesn't seem that bad." He muttered combing his hair. He looked into his reflection on the window and nodded. "Hey Chris. You better win that pie thing!" he yelled.

"Look someone else is coming on TV." Mr Schitt called. Everyone turned around toview it."It says his name is...Dike Deeveedee."

"Dike Deeveedee? What the fuck! Who names someone that? What, were his parents stoned at the time?" Chris yelled. Everyone promptly ignored him.

Narrator: Scene change people! Come on! Hurry up! My pet dog needs to be fuc- fed! Move it! ACTION!

Loud moans were heard coming from a house. All male. Twenty-four reporters gathered round a TV holding their flashing cameras up, taking pictures of a small boy watching a pornography called 'Bad Boys'. Obviously the boy was gay.

"All y'ad to do, was go on the in'ernet and offer s'm old guy, who knew the answer, y'r virginity to fin' it. A retard could figure it out." He said distractedly. Obviously, it was in fact not true because Chris couldn't figure it out.

"Most of the time, I don't know what the fuck he's on about," sighed his father, as he flicked through a random porn magazine. "I mean kids these days think they need to sell their virginity to almost anyone. When really the person down the hall is willing to do it for free." All of the reporters started backing away, looking nervously at each other.

"In the end, I only had to buy one pie." He finally looked at the reporters, a wet patch evident one the front of his pants.

"And how did they taste?" asked one of the reporters, eyeing him like he had some kind of disease.

"I dunno. I hate pies." He glared, "But Pillsy Patty is just so damn hot! I had to win." A small amount of drool was now hanging out of his mouth.

Narrator: Scene change! Back to the Schitt's shit hole- I mean house! We good? ACTION!

"Well it's a good thing you're going to the Pie factory you little gay bastard." spat Grandpa Loder.

"Uhh, dad?" Chris asked puzzled. "Shouldn't you be covering my ears to protect me from Grandpa Loder's profanities?"

"Fuck you!" yelled Mr. Schitt flipping through the newspaper, hoping to also find pictures of men in bikinis.

Narrator: Okay only one more scene for today people! Then we can all get back to our wonderful lives!

...Somewhere near Antarctica...

A scientist stood next to a large computer. There was a group of men huddled around him. "I have brought you all here in secret." He paused for dramatic silence. "I have designed a computer that will tell us where the final Rat's Body Part is located. All I have to do is type in the command." He turned to the panel and typed on a few buttons.

"Do you really think this will work?"whispered a government official standing next to him. The man nodded and continued to stare eagerly at the computer.

After several minutes of nerve-racking tension, a piece of paper shot out. "Ahh, there we go. The computer says 'Go to hell. I'm not telling you Jack-shit!'" The scientistappeared a little aggravated. "I am now asking the computer, why."

Another piece of paper shot out. It said, "'Because you're a gay bastard that needs to die.'"

The scientist growled, scrunching up the piece of paper in his hands"I am now telling the computer that I'm going to share the lifetime supply of pies with it."

Another piece of paper. "How about I tell you what to do with those pies of yours?"

"I am now telling the computer to tell me or I'll blow it up!" The scientest spat, seething with anger, his noses flared.

The newest piece of paper read, "'Try it pussy!'"

The scientist scowled and threw his toupee on the floor frustratingly, "I am now telling the computer that it is a homosexual."

"'How can a computer be a homosexual?'"

The man yelled and punched the front of it, denting the hard metal. "I am currently telling the computer to 'Shut the fuck up!'"

The government officials sighed and rubbed their temples.

"We'll be going now," one of them said, heading for the exit. When he got there he found thatthe doors had been tightly seeled, all windows were now barred. He gulped,"Uhh professor?"

"What!" he barked back at him.

"The doors won't open. We're trapped." He said, fidgeting nervously.

A piece of paperslided out of the machine. The professor took it and read it aloud. "'If I'm going down, I'm taking you all with me!'"

A recorded voice came on. "Self destruct sequence initiated. Self-destruct in 5...4…3…"

"Oh god!" they all yelled, trying to climb up the walls, smashing chairs against the windows.

"... 2…1…self-destruct activated."

A great ball of flame could be seen by people in Hobart.

TBC…….


Bunny: done, done and done. Read and Review peoples! Ja ne!