D: Wasuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup? Sorry, watched Scary Movie today...speaking of, y'all watching Scary Movie 4? YOU'D BETTER! Enjoy, son! (Shorty...lol)


Goldiggers and er, Flings

Chris, having his hopes been brought down once again, pressed the button on the remote control to turn the TV off. It didn't work.He tried several times, in different places of the room, when finally, his mother saved the day, took the remote out of his hands, turned it around and then switched the TV off.

"Dumbass..." Mrs Schitt muttered into her cooking.

Chris sat on a chair at the table staring into blank nothingness, while his Dad was rummaging through the newspaper. Suddenly, a thought hit Chris like a brick in the face.

"Dad?"

His father looked expectantly up at his son.

"Why aren't you at work?"

His father's eyes widened and he and his wife looked uneasily at each other.

"Ah well, the zoo thought they'd give me a bit of time off from work." Mr Schitt lied, eyes darting around the room, nervously.

Chris bit his lip and nodded discreetly, "Like...like the time they caught you molesting monkeys?"

Mr Schitt groaned as he heard the grandparents chuckling between each other. He rolled his eyes and glared at his son, "Sure, something like that. Please don't say that outloud next time, Chris!"

Chris poked his tongue out, "Well do us all a favour, and...keep that kinda smutty shit to yourself..."

Narrator: What? I'm on? I'M ON? Shit...okay, ahem...in fact, it wasn't like that time at all. The uproar in finding the rat's body part brought huge crowds to the local zoos, where some people hoped to find a rat, and forge a body part! Unfortunately, Mr Schitt wasn't much of eyecandy, and the zoos crowd grew smaller and smaller until the only person left was the owner...and a gay cowboy. What the fuck?...so since the zoo needed some sort of eyecandy for the zoo, the hired some washed up star named Ben Affleck, eliminating Mr Schitts job. Ben Affleck wasn't great looking, but it was the best the zoo could afford. Poorbe's...

Mr Schitt swaggered out of their little cottage and out into the snow, with a slight, crisp wind. Mrs Schitt was still busy hanging up the clothes, and throwing the sheet that made Chris's tent, onto the ground, hoping he'd freeze to death and they'd all eat his carcass.

"Couldn't even buy take out, with the shit I was making..." Mr Schitt scolded himself.

"Don't worry, you'll get another job," Mrs Schitt consoled, banishing her evil plan, while rubbing her husbands shoulders.

Mr Schitt shrugged under his wife's hands, "Even still, we're gonna have to put up with that so-called cooking of yours..."

Mrs Schitt's nostrils flared and she screamed, "Alright that's it! This family has said nothing but bullshit about my cooking!"

Mr Schitt looked uneasily at his furious wife, "Darl, what's the matter?"

Mrs Schitt didn't bother answering, instead, she ripped off a piece of wood that was attached to their demented fence, held it above her head, revealing the nails that wear pierced through it.

"Whoa! D-darling, let's s-s-sort this out, shall w-we?" Mr Schitt stammered nervously.

"TIME FOR YOU TO DIE!" she screeched.

Mrs Schitt started chasing Mr Schitt around the house, even into the streets. Neither of them knew that Chris watched the whole thing from inside, which was a big thing for him to be paying attention for an amount of time. Chris sighed and turned away from the whole in the wall, when he suddenly heard a faint, "Chris!"

Chris staggered back, knocking over a small book shelf that held no books, grabbed the nearest thing he could find and held it out theateningly, as if to attack.

"Who's there? Freddy Kruger? Old lady from Titanic?..." Chris narrowed his eyes further, "...Catherine Hepburn?"

"Chris, you dumb shit! Down here!" Chris heard someone with a raspy voice call from below.

Chris leaned over the edge, to see his Grandpa Jack, beckoning for him to come down to him. Chris, feeling lucky and cocky, jumped over the edge, hoping to land in the middle of the bed. Since he was so fucking stupid, he missed completely and landed face first on the floor.

"Chris! Stop fooling around!" Grandpa Jack whispered above him, who leaned over to his side, and started poking Chris's body on the floor with his cane.

Chris slowly scrambled to his feet, rubbing his head and groaning in pain, "Ow..."

As he continued to moan and groan, Grandpa Jack reached into one of the pockets in his trousers and pulled out a small wallet. He unlatched the top and pulled out a single silver coin.

"See this my boy?" he asked, waving it in front of Chris's eyes, hoping to maintain his attention for his whole speech, "You and I, are going to have one last fling-"

"Ewww!" Chris reeled back and looked at his grandfather in disgust, "I don't want to have ANOTHER fling with you! That's gross, dude!"

"Shut up, son! A- I know you enjoyed it, and B- that's not what I'm fucking talking about, you moron!" Grandpa Jack spat, hitting Chris on the head with his cane once again.

Chris got to his feet and again, and his grandfather continued.

"You and I, are going to have one last fling, at finding that rat's body part!" Grandpa Jack explained, calming down.

Chris, completely forgetting about what he said earlier, frowned at him, "Are you sure you want to spend your money on that crap, Grandpa?"

"Of course I do...sure, I'd spend it on some crack anyday, but Doc says one more puff at the shit and I'm a goner..." he confessed with a glum face. Soon he realised that he had lost Chris's attention once again, and instead of whacking him again with his gain, he grabbed his hand and placed the silver coin at his fingers. Satisfied at getting his attention again, he continued.

"Now, run to the nearest store, buy the first Pillsy Patty pie you see, run back, and we can peel the top off, together!" Grandpa Jack instructed with a toothy grin.

Chris reluctantly nodded, grabbed his coat, scarf and mittens, and ran outside.

"Don't get lost now!" he heard his grandfather yell from inside.

Narrator: Scene change, people! Don't make me call Tom Cruise to go loco on you! We ready? Aight? Great. ACTION!

It took Chris twenty minutes to get to and from the convenience store, which caused in Chris getting quite a lecture from Grandpa Jack when he got home, because the store was just across the street.

"...BECAUSE THE STORE WAS JUST ACROSS THE STREET!" Grandpa Jack screamed at Chris, who was curled up in a little ball on the floor. Surprisingly, no one had woken up from all the comotion. Mr and Mrs Schitt obviously didn't see, because they were halfway to France, Mrs Schitt altering from weapon to weapon.

Chris wasn't listening to a word he was saying, he was just in that little ball, staring off in the distance.

"CHRIS!"

Chris jumped a little when his grandfather yelled in his face from the bed. He was surprised that he hadn't fallen off yet.

"Yes sir?"

"Did you even hear a word I said?" Grandpa Jack asked, seething.

Chris shook his head, his mouth agape, as if waiting for a fly to land in it so he could eat it, like a frog.

Grandpa Jack cursed to himself and soon sighed, "Aah, it's not your fault that your just a sad little shit...oh well..."

His eyes narrowed down at his grandson, "Did you get it?"

Chris nodded and pulled out the now squashed pie and held it out to Grandpa Jack.

"No, I meant the drugs!"

"What?"

Grandpa Jack shook his head, "Sorry, that was a long time ago...when I got you to buy my drugs...which side should we open first?"

Chris shook his head, "Just do it quick, as fast as how George Bush's fan base is lowering!"

Grandpa Jack looked worrily at him, "Wow, that's fast...I dunno if I can do it that fast, it'd probably kill me!"

"Yeah, well, Mr Bush is killing a lot of people in Iraq at the moment! Come on!" Chris said confidently, grabbing one end of the pie.

"Right." Grandpa Jack agreed, grabbing the other end.

Their hands ripped the pie open, and searched into the pie, making disgusting noises. Grandpa Jack, who was looking away, was on the verge of throwing up when he felt something move, and it wasn't Chris's hand. Chris couldn't take it anymore, and opened his eyes. Grandpa Jack looked back and saw that there was no rat's body part. Just some pastry and eat all over the bed sheets. And a toothpick, brain, eyeball, liver, ten to twenty earthworms and a used condom.

Grandpa Jack and Chris looked sadly at one another, and neither of them said a word while Chris cleaned up.

Narrator: Sceeeeeeeeeeeeeene change! Hurry up! I'm about to see Scary Movie 4! Okay, that's it! Pulls out whip and starts whipping people Hurry yo, ass up! Hehe! Now I'm Brenda Meeks from Scary Movie! Oh, we done? Okay! ACTION! Whip

Chris walked sadly on the snow covered pathway, stepped in front of the factory gates and gazed at the gargantuan factory. Chris, not knowing what came over him, he closed his eyes, inhaled deeply and-

"UHH!" Chris fell to the floor as a giant snowball hit his face. He wiped the freezing ice off with his arm and turned to see bullies from school, pointing and laughing. He scowled at them, before getting to his feet, maintaining his dignity, trying to get back to where he left off.

Where was I, oh right... Chris once again closed his eyes, took in a deep breath, and-

"UHH!" Chris once again fell to the floor again, this time, he got on all fours and shook off the snow. He looked to the side to see police cops pointing and laughing, spinning chocolate iced donuts in their hands, a cup of coffee in the other, where they were half pointing at him.

He scowled at them, keeping in the urge to throw a snowball back at them. He slowly got to his feet and wiped off his Christmas sweater.

NOW, where the hell was I? Oh yes!... Chris, slightly on the verge of exploding into violent rage, shut his eyes tightly, he was as stiff was a board, clenched his fists. Inhaled deeply, and exhaled, and then-

"Wedgie moment!" a teenager yelled behind him, yanking up his Teletubbies underwear up to his shoulders. There was an unpleasant ripping sound as Chris yelled in agony, as the teenager pulled it up.

His posse were almost on the floor, laughing in pain, as were the officers watching. The teenager threw him face first to the ground as he and his posse rode off on their bicycles.

Chris slowly got up, and heard them all catcalling back at him, calling him unpleasant names. Chris pouted, wiped of his face and his knees, and tried to ignore all the stares and laughter.

Chris closed his eyes, took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He didn't know why he did that, but it just felt like something he had to do. He looked to the side and saw a gay couple walking past, walking their also gay dogs.

"Did you see that one kid in Russia found the last Rat's body part, sweetums?" one man in hot pink asked his lover.

The man in the yellow T-Shirt with a picture of Orlando Bloom on it nodded, "Yes, I did honeykins, it was in the papers this morning! Good boy..."

Chris watched the couple walk off, touching each other's asses and holding hands. For once, Chris was deep in thought about one topic. Gay men. No wait, it was the rat's body part. His hopes were shattered in a million pastry flakes...Chris swallowed, trying best not to sulk in public, he turned around and made his way home. Before he could take one step, one of the dogs had latched on his leg, humping it like it had never humped another before.

"Bad dog! Bad dog!" the man in the yellow Orlando Bloom T-Shirt scolded his lecherous dog, and pulled him away from Chris.

"I'm so sorry son! Here, have this..." the man apologised, handing him a note.

Chris's eyes widened at the money. His family had never set eyes on notes in real life, and yet he'd be the first...

"Thank you, sir..." Chris thanked him, taking it from his well moisturised hands.

Chris watched the couple walk off, hand in hand. Once they were out of sight, Chris ran for the nearest store. He had never been so focused in his entire life!

Since he ran to nearest store, he accidently stumbled into a porn video store, and since he was stupid, he stumbled in the same one about four times. Finally, getting over the fact that they were out of One Night In Paris, he reached a small convenience store, which was luckily the one across the road from his house.

"One Pillsy Patty pie, please." Chris asked for, wavering the note at the clerk.

"Certainly...ah, which kind?" the clerk looked expectantly down at him.

"Who gives a fuck? They all got stupid-ass names for whatever the hells inside! Just give me one!" Chris yelled, not realising he was growing louder at each word. He finally added calmly, "Ah...please?"

The clerk looked worrily at Chris at grabbed the nearest Pillsy Patty pie he could from the heater behind him. He threw it at him, giving him an expression that it was hot.

Chris didn't mind, he was wearing mittens anyway. As Chris opened the pie, a woman sourly threw a newspaper back in the pile.

"The nerve of some people. They ought to be ashamed of themselves! In fact, the ought to get their sorry asses to The Eiffel Tower and jump off immediately!" she spat, smirking at the clerk, who did the same back.

"I know what you mean...forging a rat's body part, come on! How low can you get?"

Neither of the two realised what Chris was witnessing. He slowly ripped open the top of the pie, letting of a slight steam, and as he opened it, it revealed something hairy.

Chris winced, hoping to God it wasn't pubic hair. He pulled it back a little more, revealing that it was an ear. Chris gasped, so loud, that the whole store could hear. There was only a few people in there anyway.

Chris fully pulled it back, revealing the other half of the rat's head. He pulled it out and dropped the pie on the floor.

The clerk noticed, "Hey, you just paid for that...it's...it's a rat's body part!"

A man who was reading Playboy looked to the side and saw what was happening, he dropped it on the floor in shock.

"You...you found Pillsy Patty's last rat's body part!" the clerk exclaimed.

The rest of the people in the store turned and saw it. The rat's body part in Chris's gravy smeared hands.

The clerk then cockily added, "In my store too! Take that, Walmart!"

The Playboy reading man put his hand on Chris's shoulder, "Listen, I'll buy it from you! I'll give you $50 from you, and a new bicycle!"

A whorish looking woman pushed him out of the way, "Are you fucking mad, man? I'll give him $500!" The woman then looked down at the frightened Chris with an evil glint in her eye. "Or one rat's body part for a good time, hey?"

"That's enough of that, leave the kid alone!" the clerk shouted rudely at the two. He leaned over the counter to be face to face with Chris.

"Listen, don't let anyone have it! Take it straight home, savvy?" the clerk instructed.

"What?"

"I mean, do you understand me?"

Chris nodded a smile forming, "Yes, thank you, sir!"

Chris flew out the door and headed home...

(Insert nauseating spiritual music)

It took him another half hour to make it back home, even though it was across the road.

"Mum, Dad! I found the last rat's body part! It's mine!"

Mrs Schitt was just about to finally get the chance the kill her husband, but was grossly interrupted by Chris's screaming. Once she realised what he was yelling about, she dropped the crossbow she had stolen from Transylvania, landing right beside Mr Schitt's head in the snow, and followed Chris inside. After catching his breath, Mr Schitt also followed.

Chris beamed down at Grandpa Jack and slowly handed the slimey rat's head to him. He looked at it for a moment, and soon took it out of his hands. His eyes scanned the front, twisting his wrist around to see the back. Once he realised it was the real deal...

"YIPPEE!" Grandpa Jack hooted, jumping out of bed and doing some old dance moves. Starting with...the Macarena...

(Insert Macarena music)

The family looked around their house to see where the music was coming from, while Grandpa Jack was busy yelling, "Heeeeeey, Macarena!...SONG CHANGE!"

(Insert MC Hammer song)

"Da na na na, na na, na na, can't touch this!" Grandpa Jack sung as his did the irritable moves in front of them.

"Dad..." Mrs Schitt begged, looking away uneasily, "Please, for the love of God, stop!"

"SONG CHANGE!"

(Insert Chicken Dance song)

"...I don't wanna be a chicken, I don't wanna be a duck, so I'll shake my-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, DAD!" Mrs Schitt screeched, secretly wishing that she didn't leave the crossbow outside.

There was an awkward couple of notes and screeching sound, and finally the music stopped, and Grandpa Jack had stopped the awful dancing.

Grandpa Jack held the rat's body part out to his daughter.

"Here, look inside for a small note, and read it aloud so we can all hear it!" Grandpa Jack said.

Mrs Schitt stood back against the wall, looking disgusted, "No way, I'm not touching that shit! No thanks!"

Her husband sighed and hesitantly accepted the part from his father in law. He audibly swallowed, and reached in down the rat's open neck until he felt something...

"Here we are," he croaked, holding up a slimey piece of paper.

"Read it Dad!"

"Ahem...Hello! Howdy y'all! Konnichiwa! Bonjour! Ciao! Het hallo! Oi! Hei! Hola! Wazzup ma nizzle?" Mr Schitt read aloud, looking weirdly at the last greeting. He continued. "Greetings to you, lucky finder of this Rat's Body Part from Mr Pillsy Patty! I shake you warmly by the hand! For now, I do invite you to come to my factory and be my guest for one, whole, DAY!"

The family looked hopefully at each other.

Narrator: Scene change number one!

"I, Pillsy Patty, will conduct you around the factory myself, showing you everything there is to see..." Orchid read aloud with great confidence, while there were jealous team members throwing shit at her.

Narrator: Scene change number two!

"Afterwards, when it iz time to leave, you will be ezcorted home by a procezzion of large truckz, each one filled with with all ze piez you could ever eat!" Octobus read out, not realising that he was sounding more enthusiastic as he read on.

"Boy am I gonna be skinny after all that!"

Narrator: Scene change number three!

"And remember, one of you lucky five bastards will recieve a special prize beyond your wildest imagination! Hmmm..." Wartina added herself, thinking of something totally different and totally...wrong. The press beckoned her to continue.

"Now, here are your instructions..."

Narrator: Aaaaaaaaand, scene change number four!

"On de first of Febr'y, you must come to the factr'y gates at 10AM sharp." Dike mumbled aloud, his manicured nails holding onto the rat's body part. "You're allowed to bring one mem'er of your family to loo' after you. Un'il then homies! Pillsy Patty."

Dike looked up at the camera with glee and held the disgusting body part to the lens.

"Oh my freaking gaaawd, girlfriends! Pillsy Patty, like, touched this himself!" Dike exclaimed. He sighed, still looking quite giddy. "I know what I'm jerking off with tonight!"


"This is the goooooood shit!" Sorry, Scary Movie reference again...lol READ AND REVIEW YOU PATHETIC MORONS! Sorry...that just came out! .'