"Please Papi, just a few more minutes?"

"Okay Mija, just a few more minutes Mami is waiting for us." Olivia stopped as she heard a voice she hadn't heard in such a long time. One that was well engraved in her heart and ingrained in her soul.

"Thank you Papi,"

"You're welcome Mija." He replied lovingly placing a hand on each shoulder as she stared up at the giant Christmas Tree at Rockerfeller Center with such wide eye wonder. Olivia looked around trying to find the voice she found herself longing to hear. Just as her eyes landed on him he had picked up a little girl who was about 2-3 years old in his arms. She watched the little girl wrap her arms around his neck and look up at him adoringly. Sensing that he was being watched Rafael looked up and his eyes met Olivia's. Rafael momentarily froze before he tore his gaze from hers and whispered to the little girl who gave the tree one last glance before nodding. Just as Olivia took a step towards them he had turned and lost himself into crowd.

It had been well over a year since she had last seen him. Not since Wheatley's trial. When the guilty verdict was handed down. She had barely seen him slip out of the courtroom. The back of his head was the last thing she had seen of him. She hadn't heard nor seen him since. It was like he had just vanished. By the time she was ready to reach out, she didn't know where to start. He had moved. No one knew where he was. It was like he had disappeared into thin air. This wasn't like the last time when he needed some time after Drew. When she always knew where he was, where he had made sure to touch base and never disappeared from Noah's life. With the way they had parted at Forlini's, it left no room for that. The words that came out of her mouth that day echoed in her ears and the brief look on his face haunted her when she gave herself enough time to think about. It was the briefest moment before his ADA Barba persona glossed over his face, one she hadn't seen in almost a decade. One that in the course of their friendship she had almost immediately disarmed. Not even after Tucker had she seen him slip into that first day Barba they had met. She remembered how her heart tightened in that moment knowing her words had broken them.

Without bringing alarm to Catalina he had rushed through the crowd in hopes to lose Olivia in the sea of people. He sighed with relief as they made it to the subway without further detection. He didn't want to go into the city for this very reason but he could never deny Catalina. He had nothing to say to Olivia Benson. She made sure of that. He owed her nothing.

"Liv, you okay?" Amanda asked knocking on Olivia's office door noticing that her friend had entered the precinct earlier that evening somewhat shell shocked.

"Close the door?" Amanda did as she was asked and sat in the chair in front of her,

"I saw Rafael tonight."

"He's here?" Amanda asked surprised,

"I guess so. I was Rockerfeller Centre looking at the Christmas tree on my break and I heard his voice. Manda he had a little girl. She called him Papi and he called her Mija."

"He has a kid? How could we have missed that?"

"I barely saw him after Stabler returned. I never really gave much room for him to give me his updates in the midst of all of my dramas. I haven't seen him since the day of the trial. When was the last time you saw him?"

"Properly? Before the trial started. He spoke to Sonny and I after he spoke to you. He wanted to give Sonny the heads up. After Davis he wanted to make sure that he didn't see it as a personal thing. He also eluded to the fact that he was going to keep some distance. We tried to catch him after the trial but he had moved and changed his number just before the trial started as a safety precaution and never gave us a forwarding address and number. Sonny and I have been trying to track him down since but it's like he vanished."

"Manda, I said some pretty unforgivable things to him. When he saw me today it he looked right through me, turned and left."

"He was pretty hurt Liv. He didn't tell us the details but he met with us right after he left you and he wasn't in good shape. He literally said his peace and bolted out of there."

"So we don't know where he is?"

"No, and I periodically search for him. Liv, after losing that trial I'd say there would be a bounty on his head. With Wheatley still alive and in prison, he will remain in danger."

"Manda, you think Barba was being blackmailed to take on the case don't you?"

"Taking Wheatley on, isn't Barba. Certainly not the Barba I worked with for 6 years. Liv, he signed the paperwork to end a child's suffering to spare his parents. Maybe day 1 Barba may have considered it and even then that's a stretch, but the Barba I would like to say I knew, never would take this on if his hands weren't tied. By the time Barba stopped being SVU's ADA he was far from Day 1 Barba."

"Colours. SVU made him see that it wasn't all black and white."

"You did that." Amanda said softly as Olivia looked up to meet her gaze tearfully.

"And I turned my back on him."

Rafael gave Catalina a bath and changed her into her pjs for the evening. After several books she finally closed her eyes and fell into deep sleep. He jumped in the shower himself and stayed there until the water ran cold. He had managed to erase Olivia Benson from his mind for a year now. Maybe not every day but most days which was progress. He poured himself a generous amount of scotch and sat on the couch throwing his head back. Tomorrow they would be heading out of New York and he can leave it all behind.

"You okay?" Rafael lifted his head and met a concerned gaze,

"Yeah. It was like taking a bullet you know. Seeing her again."

"You should have talked to her."

"No. There was nothing left to say. I will always be grateful for the friendship we had but that was a lifetime ago. There is nothing else left to be said." She walked over to the couch and sat beside him taking his hand in hers as he squeezed it gratefully.

"Are you sure you want to leave without closure?"

"I don't owe her a closure,"

"No, but you owe yourself one."

"It's almost been two years. There's no door open for me to close that wasn't slammed in my face that afternoon at Forlini's."

Olivia exhaustedly let herself into her apartment. She had missed Noah's bedtime again for the third time that week. She was hoping to get everything tied up so she and Noah could enjoy the Christmas break without interruptions. Noah was almost 11 years old and she knew that once he hits teenage years it would harder and harder for them to remain connected. Olivia knew that he longed for a male and father figure in his life. That as much as Uncle Sonny and Uncle Finn provided him with a buddy, that wasn't what he craved. She knew the closest that's ever come to fulfilling that role for him was Rafael. Even when he went away after Drew he remained a constant for Noah. Noah loved and adored him and the feeling was more than mutual. After Forlini's, after he took Wheatley's case their dynamics obviously changed affecting his relationship with Noah. He was no longer a part of Spaghetti nights, no longer a frequent visitor in their home. When questioned Olivia had provided vague answers which fell short of what their relationship was owed.

Not wanting to hurt Noah, Rafael had explained it the best way he could as diplomatically as possible. He told Noah that he was taking on a big case. That there were dangers involved in it and that he would have fo put some distance between them because he wanted to keep him safe. He told Noah he loved him and always would. That if he needed him he would do his best to be there. He had given Noah the number to a burner phone he kept just for him. Noah understood only to be used in emergencies. Rafael promised to write him and did. He left Lucy the burner number for emergencies and a PO Box address he could access should Noah want to write him back. Once the details of the trials came out Lucy understood why Rafael was no longer welcome in the Benson home. She knew Olivia's loyalty to her former partner was strong, but she never thought it would be at the expense of her friendship with Rafael who remained beside her for as long as Lucy could remember. Noah struggled with his absence but Rafael remained true to his word. He tried to be there as best as he could through his letters. Noah received one once a week and Noah would take the letter to his room and read it in private. It was something sacred. Noah wrote back and depending on what was going on with his life dictated the frequency and to his credit Rafael responded almost immediately providing Noah with comfort and solace. Noah never spoke of the letters to his Mom. Nor did he purposely keep it from her. He sensed bringing up Uncle Rafa would upset her so he never did. Elliot started coming over more which left even less room to bring up his favourite uncle. Before the verdict of the trial Rafael arranged with Lucy to meet at a book store. It was then Rafael explained that if the verdict did not work out in his favour he would have to leave. Lucy watched as Noah and Rafael hugged each other tightly with tears in their eyes. Rafael assured Noah he will keep writing for as long as he wanted him to. When the guilty verdict was announced it was Lucy who explained to Noah that he wouldn't be able to see Rafael for awhile like he told him. What Rafael failed to tell him was that even if he won, he would never again be able to set foot in his home again. That either way, he had lost.

"Hey Liv," Lucy greeted her employer looking at her with concern,

"You okay?"

"Yeah, it's just been a long day. How was Noah?"

"Good."

Lucy contemplated whether she should tell Olivia about Rafael telling Noah goodbye earlier that day. In the last two years Rafael had never asked her to lie for him. Lucy had allowed Noah to lead the way. If he had mentioned it, she would, but he never did. It was unspoken that for the time being it was something that would remain theirs. Noah's and Rafael's. Whilst a part of her felt guilty for omitting details, she didn't want to risk Noah losing Rafael knowing what Rafael meant to him. Especially as she watched him withdraw a little in those first weeks after Rafael's initial conversation with Noah. Which only worsened as Elliot became a more frequent visitor in their home. After locking up behind Lucy Olivia and to check in on Noah. He was facing the wall with his back towards the door. As she neared she saw him tightly cling to Eddy, his first gift from Rafael which at 11 remained beloved but no longer a bed companion. She sat on his bed and ran her fingers through his hair. Noah didn't waken but his hold on the elephant only tightened.

"No Uncle Rafa. Please don't go. No…" he murmured unconsciously making Olivia freeze in place.

"Don't leave me Uncle Rafa. I love you." He cried. Olivia gathered Noah in her arms,

"Hey Sweet Boy you're dreaming." She murmured in his ear as she rocked him. Noah opened his eye and it took a moment.

"It's just a dream sweet boy."

"No it's not." Noah replied despondently wriggling free from her arms and lay back into the position she found him in, turned away from her. For the second time that evening her heart felt like it was shattering. Olivia rubbed Noah's back with her hand.

"I'm so sorry Noah." Noah shrugged and closed his eyes.

"Elliot can never replace him no matter how hard you both try to. Uncle Rafa never loved me for you. He just loved me. Now he's gone. He's been gone and you haven't cared. All you've cared about is Elliot."

"Noah, that's not true."

"Yes it is."

"Noh, did you see Uncle Rafa today?" Noah didn't answer her and just buried his face into his pillow.

"I love you Noah Porter Benson. More than anything or anyone. You come first. I am sorry if it felt like I took Uncle Rafa away from you. That wasn't fair. I never meant to make you feel like Elliott would or could ever replace Uncle Rafa. Your Uncle Rafa is pretty incredible and we've been very lucky to have had him love us. Mommy made a mistake my love. I hurt Uncle Rafa deeply and I will always regret that. I wish I could take it back."

"I love you too Mommy." He replied softly not turning around.

"Uncle Rafa said goodbye. He said he had to go. That I wouldn't be able to see him for awhile."

"Noh, have you been seeing Uncle Rafa?" Noah shook his head.

"No. He said it wasn't safe. But he writes to me, and I write to him. Sometimes when I'm having a hard day I call him on Lucy's phone. He gave her a number for emergencies and he never gets mad even if I'm just calling to tell him I miss him."

Once Noah fell back asleep Olivia had called Lucy.

"I'm sorry Liv. I didn't mean to keep it a secret and you should know Rafael never asked me or Noah to lie to you. He wanted to keep Noah safe." Lucy explained that Rafael had met them at the park before the Wheatley case.

"I saw him tonight. I needed a breather so I went for a walk and ended up at Rockerfeller Center to look at the tree and I heard his voice. There he was standing by the tree with a little girl in his arms. Lucy, did you know he had a daughter?"

"No Liv. But if he's worried about Noah's safety when he's not his. I can only imagine how frightened he would be if it was his child in danger. Not that I think he could love Noah any more or any less." She added unnecessarily as Liv knew what she meant.

After Rafael had taken on Davis their already fractured friendship took another hit and Liv kept him at arms length. Not long after Stabler has reappeared in her life and the less they saw each other. All of a sudden there were conditions on their friendship. Ones she knew she had dictated.

Lucy came early the next morning at her request so she can go for a quick run to clear her head. The last twelve hours had knocked her on her ass. The one person she longed to speak to, she couldn't.

"Rafa," she said in a hopeful whisper as she saw the figure sitting on the park bench by the pond. She sat at the end of the park bench not wanting to spook him. There were so many things to say but no words came out.

"Rafa," she began noting him still at nickname only she and Noah used for him. One he hadn't heard for almost two years. At least from her.

"I'm…" Rafael stopped her before she could go on,

"You don't owe me an apology. I'm the one who's went against my principles right? Gone against your partner. Defended the man who had you run off the road? You don't owe me an apology for that. You owe me nothing Olivia. My instincts didn't have me waking up at 4:30am to wander down our spot for that. In the same way I don't owe you an explanation or a goodbye. But I realise I owed myself. For me to be able to move forward I need a closure. I deserve one." Rafael kept his gaze on the pond in front of him not glancing at her once.

"So as selfish as it sounds I'm doing this for me." Rafael turned his head to look at her.

"Goodbye Olivia." There was so much weight on those words conveyed through his eyes. Yes it was a goodbye, but it was also a thank you for whatever it was they had. Rafael gave her a nod before turning and walking away without a backward glance, tears rolling down both their cheeks as they mourned for the friendship they once shared and the future they never got to have.

*

Just thoughts bouncing around in my head as I watch the previews with great frustration. One shot for now but I purposefully left a lot of questions unanswered…because I want to watch that episode and feel my faith restored