Story Title: Petunia the Petulant

Chapter Title: The Gnome in the Dungeons

Author's Note: I don't know. This chapter might be too silly, but I couldn't get it out of my head and it made a necessary transition to the next one, so...here we are!


The Gnome in the Dungeons

The seventh years were exiting a dungeon classroom when they suddenly heard a magnificent roar of obscenities from somewhere down the hall. This was immediately followed by a loud clatter. All of them froze and stared at each other, each thinking the same thing. That had sounded like Professor Snape…but they had never heard him blow up like that.

"What on earth could he be so upset about?" Hermione whispered, her eyes wide as a porcelain doll's.

"Could be anything," remarked Ron, who was obviously covering his own shock with an attempt at humor. "Tea tastes bad, potion inventory low, someone got a B…"

They all snickered so uncontrollably they were in tears, and it took them awhile to compose themselves again. When they had, Neville said he simply had to know what could make Professor Snape so enraged. Draco Malfoy expressed that he would much rather not be anywhere near a deranged Snape, but he reluctantly stuck with the group. Creeping softly down the dungeon hallway, Hermione, Ron, Luna, Neville, and Draco followed the sounds of cursing, muttering, and crashing objects. Some heavy piece of furniture was being dragged impossibly fast across a floor.

They saw a door open, the light spilling out onto the floor, and the shadow of Snape moving about in the room. They stopped at that corner, no one wanting to have any chance of being seen should Snape suddenly appear in the hallway.

"Blasted - !" Snape yelled, and some more things were thrown. Something made of glass or ceramic crashed. He called loudly for a house-elf, whom they heard asking him what he needed.

"WHO LET FAIRIES INTO THE CASTLE?" Snape roared.

At that, the students looked at each other, each one wearing an expression of utter confusion. Even Luna Lovegood looked at a loss for words.

"Fairies?" Ron repeated wonderingly. "What the-"

"I'LL KILL THAT WOMAN! BLAST IT!" Snape shrieked, his voice now risen to a hysterical pitch.

They did not have to stay and listen to know that the house elf had immediately disappeared, headed who knew where. Without saying a word, they all agreed that now was a good time to put a great deal of distance from them and the Headmaster. They hurried up the cold stone steps of the dungeon and kept moving, until they stood in the daylight streaming in from the open doors of the main entrance.

"Bloody hell!" Ron swore, a little out of breath. "What was that all about? Fairies?" he said again, as if he couldn't believe what he'd heard.

"Do you think – " Hermione started to say, a look of sheer horror coming over her face, but Draco got there first.

"Oh…no…oh, no, no, no, no…" He murmured, putting his head in his hands and sinking to his knees.

"Draco! What did you do?" Ron demanded.

"Not me, you idiot. I think Mrs. Dursley is in trouble!"

The others gasped.

"What makes you think this has to do with Harry's aunt?" Neville asked.

"It's obvious, isn't it?" he said. "She's been spending a lot of time with Hagrid, and I notice she likes to go to the edge of the Forbidden Forest. It's known for being a home to lots of fairies."

"Oh no," they all said in unison. That was extremely bad news, if true. Mrs. Dursley and Professor Snape had just been getting along, and the conclave was around the corner. There could not be a worse time for a major falling out.

"Let's go tell Professor Lupin," Hermione finally said, and they nodded with the merest bit of relief.

"But someone's got to warn her," Ron said gravely.

"I'll do it," Draco answered. "I'll distract her, keep her away from Snape. You send me a message when it's all clear."

"On it," Neville said. "Let's go." And the group split off from Draco, weaving its way through a crowd of kids that were now two heads shorter than the rest of them.

Draco found Petunia in the astronomy tower, practicing her dance. The Room of Requirement must have been occupied. He greeted her, chatted her up for a bit, and then left after she told him she intended to practice for another hour or two.

"That should keep her out of the way," he muttered.

When Lupin heard about Snape's unraveling over fairies, he headed to the dungeons right away. The rooms were quiet now, he noticed, as he crept softly down the stairs. He listened for more yelling, but apparently Snape had gotten it together. He was still in the room, however, when Lupin made his way to where the students had first heard all the noise.

Professor Snape was mired in a tangle of tapestries, which appeared to have been ripped off the walls. Around him were overturned chairs, and a large desk blocked the doorway. This room had been used as a meeting room or a teacher's lounge for those who taught below, or wanted to get further away from the daily bustle now and then.

Lupin stood speechlessly in the doorway as Snape looked up.

"Oh," Snape sighed. "It's you. Good. I am in need of some sane council before I murder that Muggle woman." And he pulled the tapestries off him and sat down on a couch that had been pushed into a bookshelf.

At this invitation, Lupin navigated his way into the room and found a chair to sit in.

"What the blazes is going on?" He asked.

"Hogwarts is infested with fairies," Snape said, his voice threatening to rise again. "Or at least, the dungeons are. And I have a strong suspicion that Mrs. Dursley is somehow involved. According to Hagrid, she's enamored with them. She's left them gifts and consorted with them for months. I had no idea. If I had known, I would have put a stop to it immediately. I would have erased the knowledge of the word "fairy" from her mind entirely if I had to.

Lupin looked around, assessing the situation. It looked like Snape had thrown a fit; furniture had been moved, things torn off the walls and ceramics broken, and one of the three couches was on its back. But looking at the disheveled Snape again, it seemed that he was more frustrated than angry.

"Is that what happened to this room?"

"A stupid gnome was taking out the embroidery in the tapestries, ruining all the pictures! They're priceless! Several of them more than 400 years old! I chased him but he ran that way…" Severus pointed, looking hopeless, toward the bookshelf.

"Ohhhh, right," said Remus, understanding. "He was trying to 'fix' it, was he?"

"How the devil do I know what it was thinking? All I know is we have them now, and they are going to be nearly impossible to get rid of. They were invited in, and now it will take a monumental effort to make this place so uninhabitable that they will finally leave. It will take months!"

Severus sank down into one of the remaining upright couches after this speech and sighed, exhausted. Remus, following his lead, sat on the opposite couch.

"She couldn't have known." He said after a moment. Severus exploded again.

"Of course she couldn't have known! That's the problem! I can't fault her for doing something she didn't know she shouldn't do. But when I see that nasty little red hat and hear that horrible scrabbling, I just want to take Petunia's neck and squeeze it-" He mimicked choking someone with great satisfaction.

"Oh come now, Severus. You don't want to do that. You like her too much." Lupin was reaching into the chest pocket of his threadbare jacket. "You know you're not really angry with her."

Severus said nothing to this, just sat looking defeated. This, Lupin knew, was really quite incredible. He could not remember the last time he'd seen Snape in such a state. He'd seen an angry Snape, even a furious one, but hysterical? That was new. Lupin had pulled out what looked like several hand rolled cigars and held out his hand to show Snape.

"Look here. I know something that will make you feel better," he said with a sing-song voice, and grinned wolfishly. Severus's eyes traveled to the objects in his hand and rested for a moment before recognition set in…and then, incredulity. He looked up at Lupin.

"You must be joking," he said, peering into his face as if looking for evidence that this was, in fact, a joke."

"Remember these?" Lupin said again, picking one up and wiggling it. "Even you must have tried Gobie at some point." (Gobie was short for "Gorgon's Breath," a mostly harmless, but highly effective psychoactive drug that had a popular phase among wizards and witches in the '70s. It was called Gorgon's Breath because it got you 'stoned.' It was so prevalent and so ridiculous that it became a universal reference for all behaviors deemed moronic.) Severus stared at it.

"You know those are prohibited on school grounds? Really, Remus, a man your age?"

"They're not mine," Remus said defensively. "I confiscated them. I was going to throw them away, but then I saw you…and all this – and thought, why not? Come on there's no one here to be a role-model to at the moment. What's wrong with a little recreational relaxation?"

Severus took the Gobie and inspected it with exaggerated distaste, but then he let Lupin light it with his wand. He inhaled deeply and leaned his head back, closing his eyes. Two streams of shimmering, purple smoke rose from his nostrils before he opened his mouth and let out the rest of the cloud. Remus stared at him. He laughed.

"My, my! Severus! You're old hat at this! You're full of surprises."

"Oh, shut up," Snape said lazily. "You know perfectly well there was no way to avoid them for those whole three years." He took another drag and puffed out purple smoke so that it began to fill the space between them.

"Don't I know it. But still." Remus also inhaled and began releasing his own purple cloud.

"I just want you to know," Snape drawled, "that the only reason I'm not fighting you on this is I haven't got anymore fight left in me. Oh, look…there he is…the little bugger." Snape was squinting at the far corner of the room.

"Where?" Remus turned a little too quickly and wobbled in his seat.

"Right there," said Snape quietly, barely moving his mouth. He pointed at the gnome, which was creeping along the outer wall, hunched over and looking like he had no idea eyes were on him. It was a green, barky little figure in what looked like doll's clothing. If it weren't for that, it would have been easy to miss. "Don't make any sudden movements," Snape murmured.

"What are you going to do…"

"I haven't decided…"

They continued to watch the gnome's progress around the room. It stopped and gazed longingly at the pile of tapestries at Snape's feet, its tiny face a picture of pain.

"Look at him. Poor little bloke. He's positively devastated," Lupin whispered.

"Indeed. An artist, separated from his work by an ocean of…."

Snape seemed to not be aware that he hadn't finished his sentence. The gnome started to creep toward the middle of the room, away from the wall.

"Shh, look, here he comes, here he comes!"

"What's he doing?"

"Well he's going to finish his work, isn't he?" said Snape matter-of-factly, making no move to capture the creature.

"What a work ethic…so devoted…so passionate…"

"He's willing to risk his life to tear apart these tapestries. I don't know why, but it makes sense to him."

"Maybe he wants to make new pictures," Lupin mused.

They watched the gnome sit with its legs spread out as it once again began unraveling some of the gold thread from the tapestry.

"What are you going to do about Petunia," Lupin asked suddenly.

"What do you mean?"

"You know…her and these fairies. Weren't you about to give her a stern talking to?"

"I don't think I can do anything," Snape said thoughtfully. "I've got it! I'll send her a Howler!"

"Brilliant!" said Lupin, laughing. "I'd like to hear that, a Howler from the Headmaster! What a great story that would be for a graduating class."

"Then I can blast her all I want without actually being in the room to see her burst into tears."

"Oh, you are quite evil, Severus."

"I know," he said deliciously. "But if I'm being honest, I don't think I can do even that. This woman…I think she's broken me, Remus." He frowned, looking genuinely worried. The gnome had wound a good amount of thread around his elbow and should now, hefting it like a coiled bit of rope.

"No. Not possible."

"Apparently it is."

"You cannot be serious."

"No, I can't…." Snape agreed. "…..because I'm Severus."

Lupin sat in wide-eyed confusion, until it suddenly caught up to him. He burst out laughing, and Snape chuckled.

"That's a good one, Severus!"

"No it's not. It's terrible."

"Yes but it's…you…so unexpected…" Lupin had to hold his sides after a while and looked like he was in pain as he laughed. Severus smiled, seeming pleased with himself. Now the gnome was struggling with a huge needle that was almost its own size. There was no hint as to where the needle could have come from. He began sewing the gold thread, knitting his tiny eyebrows with concentration.

"But what do you," Lupin asked when he could speak again. "What do you mean 'broken' you? That's an awfully strong word for it."

"I'm not who I used to be. People don't fear me as they used to. I don't command that trembling obedience I usually do. Not when she's around. You saw it earlier. She makes jokes. And I don't even give her a nasty look."

"That's true," said Lupin thoughtfully. "I wonder why that is. You don't think-" he stopped himself, as if he realized even with his clouded state of mind, he might be about to step on a land mine.

"What?"

"Well…you know…" Lupin was now looking very uncomfortable. But he also looked as if the thing he wanted to say was about to burst from his lips like water from a fire hydrant.

"Let's say I don't."

"All right. But if I say it, you can't be angry with me."

"I will make no such promise," said Snape, sounding insulted. "Out with it."

"I just thought, perhaps, the two of you…you and Petunia Dursley…you get on rather well," he said carefully.

"We have what I would consider a harmonious working relationship, yes. I appreciate her ambition. And she strives to meet my expectations."

"She seems to admire you," Lupin agreed, watching Severus's face for any sign of emotion.

"I don't know about that. But of course, she has always been fascinated with magic. She just pretended to hate it because she thought she couldn't do it. You know," he said suddenly, as if this had reminded him of something else, "those two sisters, she and Lily, could not have been any more different if they were born on opposite sides of the world."

"That is very true."

"And yet it was Lily and I who were friends, and Petunia and I who hated each other," he finished.

"What do you make of that?" asked Lupin after another moment of silence.

"What should I make of it? Nothing. Just odd, how things turn out, isn't it..."

"I'd say so."

"Well, no matter, in any case. Things are as they are. She's here now."

"Fate has an interesting way of…bringing people together," Lupin said meaningfully.

"If you say so," Snape answered, not seeming to understand, or pretending not to understand, what Lupin was implying. "I do have a question for you, Remus," said Snape, "On another topic."

"What is it?"

"You know how you turn into a werewolf?"

"Yes, I know how I turn into a werewolf."

"What I mean is, a man can turn into a wolf. Do you think…there's an animal version? Say, a wolf turning into a man?"

"I…don't know!" said Lupin thoughtfully, as if this were the most intriguing question that had ever been presented to him. "I've never thought about that, you're right!"

"I just think, if it goes in one direction, oughtn't it go in the other also? Balance of nature, and all that."

"Yes, yes…I wonder! Oh well. Suppose we'll never know. I'm not sure I'd really want to meet one, anyway."

"I wonder if it would be as awful for them. Do you think they would lament walking on two legs?"

"As someone who has walked on four, yes I could see that being very disorienting."

"Hmph."

"How is it that we were never mates in school?" Remus regarded Severus with genuine appreciation.

"You know how. You all were always around that meat-headed James Potter," Snape muttered, scowling.

"Oh yeah…" Lupin looked sad and thoughtful. Then he said, "Yeah, James was kind of an arse."

Severus raised an eyebrow at this.

"Well he did get better."

"I'll have to take your word for it."

The gnome had finished whatever it was making and looked immensely satisfied. It held up a gold piece of cloth in front of it.

"My word, Severus, do you see what it's done?"

"I do indeed! It's made its own tapestry!"

"How ingenious!"

"Very resourceful, gnomes. But with such speed and focus! It's impossible to find that kind of mastery and pride in one's work these days."

"It absolutely is."

"Pity."

When the high finally began to wear off, Snape watched the gnome scuttle back to the wall and behind the bookshelf. The gold cloth had been left behind. He stood up and brushed off his suit. Lupin was putting out his own Gobie with his fingers, yelping when he burned them.

"Really, Remus, have you lost all sense?"

"I didn't want to ruin any of the furniture," Remus said defensively. "But it has been known to happen. So, what do you want to do about all this?" He gestured at the room still in complete disarray. Everything in the center of the room was now coated in glittering purple ash.

"Oh, I'll put it right again. Short work. A few locomotion spells."

"I'll help. It's the least I can do for such a nice break in the monotony."

"Remus," Snape said, and he sounded dangerously serious. Lupin looked at him and raised his eyebrows questioningly. "If you ever get it into your flea-ridden head to tell anyone about this-"

"Hand on my heart, Severus, I will never, ever tell anyone that you actually know how to have fun."