Author's Note: Whoohoo! Things finally moving along. Getting a little sad that the story will have to end at some point. :P
Thanks as always for the reviews!
Two nights later, Severus made his way along the lonely sixth floor corridor and tapped on Horace Slughorn's door with his wand. When the cheerful voice of his host told him to come in, he looked back down the hall before opening it and sweeping quickly inside.
Horace Slughorn's enormous office was furnished much like the traditional smoking room of a rich lord's manor. It had plush couches, a cherry wood coffee table, and matching side tables with enchanted candles giving off a warm, friendly light. Like the other teachers, Slughorn also had a fireplace off to one side of the room, and this area too was furnished like a parlor. It had long backed, straight but comfortable armchairs arranged around a circular table.
The thick smell of rich tobacco already permeated the room, and Severus could see several figures through the smokey haze sitting by the fireplace. They were playing a game. As he approached, the boisterous voices exploded with good-natured jeering; someone had won.
"I'm here," he said, making it plain that he was there reluctantly.
"Severus! You came! Excellent!" Horace bellowed, his cheeks pink with intoxication. He strode toward Severus with his arms wide but stopped short of embracing him and instead directed him to the fireside.
"I told you I would."
"Headmaster!" Several delighted voices cried at once, and he winced.
"I can't believe it! You're here! Whatever did you say to finally convince him, Horace?" said Remus.
Seated around the fireplace in overstuffed chairs were Draco, Remus Lupin, and Hagrid. Snape let Professor Slughorn take his cloak and settled stiffly into the one empty armchair.
"There was no convincing needed. I simply had an available break in my work to do so," Snape insisted, though they would all know this was not the kind of social event he was fond of. He sat down and declined the pipe Remus offered but said he would accept a glass of scotch, which their host went to fetch straightaway.
The card game they were playing was much like any muggle version of poker, except it allowed the use of leglimency and occlumency to get the upper hand on the other players. "Bluffing" thus involved not only speech but thought. For this reason, only, Snape joined in. He was excellent at both, and since the activity had a practical application, it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Severus won all but two of the games so far over the course of the evening, so three and a half drinks in he started getting lazy about it. At an odd pause in conversation, Lupin, Slughorn, Draco and Hagrid exchanged suspiciously coordinated look. Slughorn cleared his throat and began dealing another hand.
"That Mrs. Dursley, she is really something. Talented, cunning…and rather pretty, in her own way."
"That she is, that she is…" muttered Hagrid. He was frowning at his own hand and looked as if he were actually concentrating on the game. Severus had flinched the slightest bit at the mention of Petunia, and he could tell they all noticed it. He stayed silent, pretending to be more interested in his hand than he was.
"She was certainly turning some heads the other evening," Lupin put in awkwardly.
"Yeah. Too bad she's not interested in any of them," Draco answered without missing a beat.
Severus pulled a card, seemed to reconsider it, and put it back.
"What do you mean, Draco?"
"Yes, why wouldn't she be?" Slughorn added smoothly, sounding much more natural than Lupin.
"Well you know," Draco answered, selecting his cards and displaying them for the table. "She's already got eyes for someone."
At that Severus, who knew on some level that he was being baited, decided to play along. He was, of course, desperately curious, and there was no helping that. Might as well get it over with, he thought. He raised his eyebrows, still looking at his cards, and put his on the table.
"Oh?" he asked, sounding bored.
"DEVIL take it!" yelled Hagrid, throwing his hand on the table. "He won again. I'll be righ' back." He stomped off, presumably to the bathroom. The rest of them tossed their useless hands onto the table. Severus began to collect all the cards and shuffle them, which he did rather well. Once upon a time, as much younger man, he had enjoyed betting games. The competition and utter destruction of his opponents had been so very satisfying.
"Well don't keep it a secret, Draco, who is it?" Slughorn persisted.
Out of the corner of his eye, Severus saw another interesting exchange take place: Remus and Horace were looking at Draco, and the boy's eyes widened as if to say, Does it have to be me?! Apparently, it did. Severus put his cards down for Slughorn to deal and sat back into his chair, drinking his scotch and staring lazily into the fireplace.
"The Headmaster knows who it is!" Draco said loudly. It was so obviously forced Severus had to hold back a smile. Draco was clearly not happy about being the one to try to drag him into the conversation.
"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about, Mr. Malfoy," he said smoothly. This was quite true; if Petunia fancied someone, he had no idea who it could be. She had not written about it in her journals, of course. It must be someone I know, he thought, since the boy thinks I know who it is.
Hagrid had come back and slumped heavily back into his seat, almost knocking the table over. Remus grabbed and steadied it just in time. Hagrid grabbed his cards with his enormous hand and bent over them. He seemed to be rather bad-tempered this evening, Severus thought. He wondered why.
"Wha' are we talkin' about?" Hagrid asked gruffly.
"We're talking about Petunia Dursley's love interest," Remus answered, giving him a significant look.
"Oh…righ'. That."
Severus sighed.
"How is it that I am surrounded by men, and yet I hear nothing but a roomful of women's gossip?" he asked, giving them his haughtiest expression. Usually, this caused people to wither under his gaze.
"He has a point," said Hagrid. Snape saw their heads turn sharply to Hagrid, and knew this comment must not have been part of the plan. He had to have a little more respect for him, just then.
"Well," Severus said, after a moment in which no one seemed to know how to follow this, "The hour is late. I suppose I should –"
"OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE HEADMASTER SNAPE WOULD YE STOP BEING A RUDDY COWARD?!" Hagrid's furious bellow shook the furniture and the very foundations of the room. Everyone, including Severus, froze and stared at him like he was a rabid bear about to slaughter them at any moment.
"Are you addressing me, Hagrid?" He finally answered in his silkiest, most dangerous tone. But it was all show, and not very convincing at that. He was actually beginning to wonder if he should be afraid of Hagrid's unusual behavior. "Have you lost your mind?" Hagrid glared back at him, his eyes like cannons aimed over his huge beard and mustache.
"Just stop playing around, Snape! Do we have to drag it out of you?"
"Drag what out of me?"
"ABOUT PETUNIA. SHE 'N YOU. The fact that you fawn over her like a school girl under a love spell. And how about that little thing the other day with the unicorn? Did ye really think that could go unnoticed?"
Everyone was shocked at this. Remus, Lupin and Draco had all scooted their seats back, trying not to be noticed so they would not have to participate in the row.
Severus thought about all the things he could say at that moment. He thought about the persona he had developed at Hogwarts over the years, the respect he commanded, the many withering insinuations he had used to control everyone, even Hagrid at times. He thought about this blundering fool and his animals. How dare he speak to him that way?
But there was no power in these thoughts, no fire. There was not enough energy in him to maintain the walls he put up between him and everyone else. All of it had gone to fixating on Petunia and being with her every moment he could. He felt nothing but the stillness of shock…and…relief?! He looked up at Hagrid.
"Well, what do you want me to say?" He answered softly.
"I want ye to tell us the truth! I want ye to admit that you fancy her! And stop tryin' t'hide it like you 'ave no hurt or feelin's or nothing, like it's a weakness."
"All right. I fancy her. Does that satisfy you?"
Now it was Hagrid's turn to look surprised.
"Well," he grumbled, gathering himself, "now we're gettin' somewhere. Like pulling bloody teeth, getting yer to say anything that might make you more human to yer friends and family."
"I have no family," Severus said automatically, but he already knew he was caught in a trap.
"That's not true, Severus, and you know it." Lupin was quiet but firm. Severus sensed he was a little offended. "How long are you going to pretend that the people closest to you have no interest in your life and happiness? How long are you going to play the role of the holy martyr?"
"Here, here," said Slughorn, also firm, and unusually serious.
" 'Tain't just us, neither. Professor McGonagall, Madame Pomphrey, Hermione Granger…"
"Wonderful. Is there anyone you didn't talk to you about this behind my back?" Severus asked, mortified.
"The rest of the seventh years know. That's it," said Lupin.
"You know how impossible it is to keep anything from that lot," Slughorn added.
Severus looked into each of their faces and they each looked right back, unflinching. He turned to Draco last, who seemed to be hoping the older men would resolve this scene without remembering he was there.
"And you, Mr. Malfoy? What about you?" Severus asked.
"Professor," Draco was obviously frustrated, but still trying to be respectful. "We're not trying to attack you."
"Feels a bit like it."
"I know. But that's not it. It's that – " he looked helplessly at Lupin. "You tell him. You say it better."
"Oh yes, Werewolf Lupin, go ahead and tell me," Severus sneered. But there was no real emotion to this, either. He felt exposed. There was nowhere to hide…and perhaps no reason to fight anymore.
"Oh sure, sure. I know you insult me whenever you think I'm getting too chummy with you but – dammit, I'm telling you this because I give a damn about you. I'm your friend."
"We all are," said Hagrid forcefully. The others nodded their assent.
Severus had nothing for this, but he was starting to feel something again, and he was not sure he was prepared for all of it. He looked down at his hands. Why was he still running, and where was he trying to go? They simply wouldn't give up. They simply would not stop caring. Finally he looked up, dropping every mask he'd ever worn with them.
"I know you are, Remus. Hagrid. I know your intentions are good. But…I don't understand why it was so important for you to make me tell you something so completely personal. Does every man not have a right to his privacy? Why? Why go to all this trouble?"
"Because," Slughorn leaned forward – "we believe you have a very good chance, and you don't seem to see it."
"And we don't want to see yer squander it," added Hagrid, still sounding a little angry.
Severus was genuinely flabbergasted. It almost sounded like they meant – but –
"A chance for what, exactly?"
"Bloooody hell…he really doesn't see it, does he?" Remus said to the others, incredulous.
"You're all beating around the bush. We could have been done with this by now," said Draco, taking over. "It's really quite simple. Professor Snape, we think Mrs. Dursley – Petunia – fancies you, too. That's why we're going to all this trouble and risking your – well, ire."
Severus was not prepared for this and did what everyone does when they hear something they want to believe, but don't dare, and don't want you to know – he laughed.
"You must be joking. I appreciate the sentiment – no, really, I do. But I think in your good intentions, you are seeing what you would like to see."
"So, in other words, you think we're lying?" challenged Draco.
"Or stupid?" added Remus.
"I mean, why should we know what we're talking about?" said Horace sarcastically.
"We've only all got more dating experience than you, which is saying a lot, considering the age range." Hagrid, putting the metaphorical nail in the coffin. Apparently, Snape mused, anger made him witty.
At this moment Severus would have liked nothing more than to sink into the ground, wake up the next day, and find this had all been a nightmare. And yet, at the same time, something held him there….and he knew it was the thing that brought him there in the first place. Some instinct in him that knew he could no longer face this alone had driven him to seek camaraderie. It was as if it knew that this love would destroy him this time, if he continued the way he was going.
"All right. I'll humor you. Let's say she does. So what?"
Hagrid pounded his face with his giant palm, shaking the table again.
"Someone get me away from this man before I lose my temper," he growled.
"Hagrid, really, I'm surprised at you," Severus admitted. "Truly bewildered. Why are you so angry?"
"BECAUSE DUMBLEDORE WANTED YOU TO BE HAPPY. HE WOULD HAVE WANTED YOU TO TAKE A CHANCE ON LOVE!" Hagrid bellowed again, but this time Severus could clearly see he was about to burst into tears.
There were certain times when a strong man cried, and if another man allowed him to do so in vain, it would have been the most dishonorable thing he could do. This was one of those times. Severus had never felt more uncomfortable in his life, but he could do nothing. He could not argue with Hagrid, or be angry, or dismiss him. He had no choice but to sit and listen. He even invoked Dumbledore! The bastard. So, he shut up and listened.
"He's not the only one who's angry, Severus," said Slughorn. Lupin murmured assent, and Draco nodded. Severus was even more dumbfounded.
"I…I don't understand. What am I supposed to do with this information, if it's true?"
"You're supposed to tell her how you feel, Professor," answered Draco.
"Whatever for?" Severus laughed again, and hoped his utter embarrassment did not show on his face.
"He's not pretending," Lupin said to the others. "He really doesn't know. It never occurred to him…did it, Severus? That you might find a loving partner in this life?"
Severus couldn't speak. He was not sure what would happen if he did. He could not keep track of all the emotions surging through him right now. Panicked thoughts berating him on both sides of the argument filled his head. He couldn't think…
"All right, I think he gets the point," Draco said, bringing the conversation back down to a cooler temperature. "So, as we said, we think – it's really quite obvious, actually, that Petunia is interested in you. She is into you, Professor Snape. And if that's true, she's just sitting there, waiting for you to tell her you feel the same way."
"She can't act on it right now," Hagrid put in. "It would'na be proper. She just lost her husband, 'n you're her mentor. She's not going to risk ruining that."
"Exactly," said Slughorn. "She cares far too much for your respect."
"So do you see why it has to be you, Severus, who takes the leap? If you want a chance with her, that is…if you want to do more than pine in loneliness and misery. You have to be the one to open the subject up between you," Lupin said with finality.
"So…If I understand correctly," Severus said slowly, "You all believe that I should actually – ask her…on a date with me…or something?"
"That would be an excellent place to start!" Slughorn's voice dripped with exasperated sarcasm. "He's finally got it!" His voice was drowned out by everyone else similarly exclaiming their relief.
The idea of following through with this, of bringing his secret love into the real world – with possible success – terrified Snape. It was too much of a paradigm shift for him to process all at once, and yet, he was being given no choice.
"But…what if it's wrong for her? Just because there might be – feelings – that doesn't mean –"
"Ye can't think about it that way, Severus." Hagrid seemed to have mastered himself again. "Love is about takin' a chance. There are no guarantees. But - "
"-But it's worth it…which is why people try it again and again," finished Lupin. "I should know, Severus. Look at me." Severus saw him struggling with powerful emotion and could do nothing but listen, still and subdued. "A vicious, tormented beast with little to my name. You know this. You remind me of it frequently."
"And yet, Nymph saw something in me. She loved me! And just like you, I was an idiot, oblivious. In fact, I had to have someone put me straight before I finally saw it. And then I had to muster the courage to be the first one to say something. But eventually, I did. And then I married her, the happiest day of my cursed life."
Now Severus felt a little bit ashamed, a very rare and very unwelcome emotion on top of all the others he was currently juggling. He felt he should apologize, but it didn't seem the right time, and didn't know if he even could.
"All right, all right!" He surrendered, all fight and pretense gone. "You all win. Especially you, Lupin; you've shamed me." he blurted. He wasn't sorry because it was true. Who knew you could be so manipulative, he wanted to say, but didn't.
"You've all humbled me. So here I am, at your mercy. Tell me what to do, because I have no idea how to do this," he admitted. For the first time that evening, Severus worried that he might actually choke up. Vulnerability was not a luxury he ever allowed himself; the costs had always been too high. "How does one go about it? What do you think I should do?"
There was a great release of tension in the room; even Severus could feel it. He inhaled and found that he was trembling from nerves. He hoped it was not visible.
"Well, first," said Draco, "Someone get the man another drink."
Severus had never felt more grateful that he had taken Draco Malfoy under his wing. This would have been even harder, had he not been there, but his youth helped lessen the gravity of the conversation.
"On it," said Slughorn, taking Severus's empty glass.
"Now. Professor Snape has asked a completely practical question." Draco continued. "Does anyone have any useful suggestions? I'd make some, but I have a feeling mine wouldn't be that helpful, what with the major age difference…"
It turned out they didn't really have any suggestions, nothing specific, anyway. But they did help confirm his own instincts on some possibilities. When Severus finally left Slughorn's office at 3 a.m., he felt spent, but he also felt lighter than he could ever remember. An enormous weight had been lifted from him that he hadn't even known he was carrying, probably all his life.
He had friends - family, even. He wasn't alone. And they all believed he had a chance at happiness, that this time, he might know what it felt like to be loved in return. He dreaded facing the uncertainty of this, but…he thought he could get through it if he had to – especially now that there were people who would never let him bear a painful rejection alone. If he spiraled, if he fell, if he took refuge again in emotional isolation, they would pull him back – whether he wanted them to, or not. No longer did he have to be cold, numb, or cruel. He did not even have to be strong. He could just…be.
By the time Severus's head lay on his pillow, he had already engineered an entire plan to confront Petunia first thing in the morning. It was a brilliant one, too, if he did say so himself. Perhaps he had a knack for this, after all. He drifted off to sleep, dreaming dreams of happiness.
