Author's Note: Whew! Finally completed this chapter. I still haven't gone anywhere...this one was just percolating for a while and I had to start and stop and redo it a few times. But I'm so excited to finally update. Thank you for your patience and if the next one takes a while again, know that I'm just letting it write itself! I also have to give my caveat that there are things that could probably be written better, but if I tried too much to make it perfect, I'd never post it at all. So...
On to the continued adventures of Severus and Petunia in the land of Love...
The Bleed
The return to a series of lessons added an even greater feeling of normalcy to Petunia's relationship with Severus. They now seemed much more comfortable in each other's company, alternating between playful affection and serious study.
She suspected that's because they were both trying very hard to prove to themselves they could do it. She figured it was more important to Severus, but she also was glad to return to study. It returned to her a sense of purpose for her remaining at Hogwarts for the near future. And of course, she loved being able to see him every day again.
She and Severus had gone back and forth trying to decide where to do the legilimency lessons. They finally settled on Severus's potions classroom. Although there was a potential for crossing over into intimate territory, it was legitimate study, and working in a classroom helped keep it in that realm. They began, oddly, with meditation. She had not really seen Severus as the zen type, but it turned out he took mind-related magic very seriously. Severus would light a candle on a table and have her gaze at it for a while, then close her eyes and hold the image in her head.
After about a week of that, he did away with the candle and began guiding her directly in her meditation. He taught her how to construct a "mind palace," an image of a physical structure that she could use to organize her thoughts and memories within. When she had mastered this, he began to instruct her to visit various rooms in the mind palace to search for specific memories. He taught her to imagine putting up walls to keep the thoughts of others out.
When it seemed Severus was satisfied that she was properly prepared for full on Occlumency, he asked her if she was still willing to allow her mind to be probed, and she agreed. She was now very curious about the skill. It had been hard, at first, visualizing a place that didn't exist, and holding it in her mind like a memory rather than a fantasy. But over a few days, it began to take a natural shape that was something between her childhood home, Privet Dr., and Hogwarts castle.
Very soon her dreams seemed to follow suit, and she began to notice patterns and themes associated with different places in the "palace." Memories of Dudley and Vernon were stored, of course, at Privet Drive, but so were memories of Harry. Childhood memories could be found in both her childhood home and in the Hogwarts part of her mind.
And Hogwarts, she found, was where she went to create and uncover new things that did not have a safe place yet. It was easy to open a door in Hogwarts to a new imagined room for some new purpose; she used it to do the candle meditations, for example, in an empty tower that reminded her of Professor Trelawney's classroom.
When she assured Severus she was ready to try actually having him enter her mind, he took a deep breath and, clearly very nervous, instructed her in a gentle voice, bit by bit.
"Now then," he murmured in what she believed was supposed to be a comforting tone, "I want you to choose a room in your palace and visit it. I will 'meet' you there, and as you hold it in your mind, I will be able to see and experience what you have built."
"All right," she nodded, anxious to get going. She had grown more and more enthusiastic about learning these terribly powerful mind arts. "I'm ready," she told him, when she had closed her eyes and pictured herself in the candle room.
"I'm going to attempt to enter your mind, now. You may experience a sort of wandering sensation, a little like dreaming, as I look about. Understand?"
"Yes."
"If there's anything that troubles you or you want to shut me out - well, you know how to do it. Try to shut me out first. If you can't then tell me, and we will stop."
"Understood. Invade away, Severus."
He gave her a wounded look and she smirked.
"Here we go."
Petunia found herself immediately in the candle room. She looked around at the long, flowing curtains hanging on every window to see if Severus was there, but she saw no projection of him, which is what she had been expecting. After a moment, she decided to "wander" herself, and let him come find her.
She stepped out of the candle room and closed the door so that she was in a long hallway of doors, much like a hotel floor. At the far end, she thought of a memory she might like to visit again, and headed there. Opening the door, she found herself entering the stage of the Bolshoi Theatre.
Then she was sitting in the audience, watching the stage. But she did not see the performance; it was all shadows and blurs. Instead, she felt the sensation of a hand holding hers - Severus's. Almost instantly, she started to feel arousal. It was as if simply the knowledge that he was now there, with her, directing her thoughts - she was certain it was he who had steered them toward the memory of them sitting together - was an aphrodisiac all on its own.
She looked up and saw his face, his coal black eyes gazing intently into hers, and it was like having him touch her…not anywhere in particular, but all the places that turned her on. She felt those places start to tingle. This was too much. She had not expected it to go there so quickly. Frantically, she manifested her wand and commanded a brick wall to rise between them.
The meditation stopped and she was back in the classroom. She opened her eyes to see Severus looking very concerned and…was that fear? She understood; he thought he had harmed her, had perhaps crossed a line. She wanted to reassure him, but she was still recovering from the surprise herself, and could not yet decide how she felt about continuing it.
"Are you all right?" he asked sharply, holding her face and looking into her eyes as if for some sign of distress.
"I'm all right," she answered, and took a tremulous breath. She gave him a weak, shaky smile. "That was…unexpected. I didn't think you'd go for that right away."
Severus looked mortified.
"No…that wasn't me. That is…I didn't mean to…"
"Well if it wasn't you," she asked slowly, "who was it? Are you saying I initiated that bit of steamy passion?"
"It's…not that simple," he said, and he let her face go and moved away from her to lean on another table, putting space between them. "First of all, I should tell you I have never had that experience myself."
"But you said it was an erotic thing that people did! Amatorios something." She was confused, and feeling a little defensive. If remembering holding his hand could provoke all that…she wasn't sure this was a good idea after all…but isn't it what you want? A voice said inside her. Yes, and no. She didn't know.
"Yes, but I think what I failed to make you understand is it's not so much something that people do as something that happens, depending on the…er, the type of interaction they are having."
"So because you and I are involved, simply doing legilimency with each other is likely to lead to…that?"
"Apparently so," he said, looking bewildered and troubled. "I did not expect that myself. But…I am the experienced one here. I must take responsibility. I am sorry if that was too much too soon. I should have been better prepared for that possibility."
"It's all right, Severus," she reassured him, but knew it was probably little use. He seemed fixated on it now, like a problem he needed to solve.
"To be honest, I did expect to connect so easily. Most people put up some resistance without even knowing it. And when someone like me can begin to share their thoughts, they are often unformed and confused. If I had known…heh," he trailed off.
Now he was looking at her the way he had when she had spoken in Parseltongue, and when she had first accidentally performed magic in his office in the fall. Petunia waited, watching him disappear into whatever thoughts were flooding his mind. After a while he shook his head and came back, focusing again on her.
"Well, in any case, that was an excellent use of Occlumency you displayed. For a first time, that is rather impressive."
That was not the kind of compliment he gave lightly, relationship or not. She swelled with pride. The intense eroticism of the experience began to fade and she was now more interested in the skill again.
"Perhaps having worked with you all year…" she suggested.
"No…I don't think it's that. Although I don't understand it, you might simply have a natural ability. I don't know how. Just as I cannot put together why you are able to speak in Parseltongue."
"What about the egregore?" she asked after a moment of uneasy silence. He nodded slowly, his eyebrows furrowed with consideration.
"That had been my theory for some time, but it did not seem to lead anywhere. There is not enough evidence to follow that lead any more than another. But still…is there a reason you can think of that an egregore is involved?"
"Well," she said guiltily, remembering her earlier dreams and how she had still not told Severus about them. "There have been some dreams in the last few weeks…"
She described the feeling of having a conversation with some snake-like, intelligent being, and the feeling that it was the same conversation each time, though she could not remember anything else about it. As she talked she saw his eyes widen, and her heart sank a little. She was certain he was going to chastise her. Why hadn't she taken that more seriously?
"I see," however, was all he said, after a moment. She could tell he was bothered by the fact that he was only hearing about this now, but apparently not enough that he felt it worth commenting upon. "Well, it seems that the more we explore your abilities, the more we find this connection to serpents. Interesting…very interesting."
"You seem upset by it," she noted. He was not hiding it very well.
"Oh, well…I suppose it is a bit troubling. It's not your fault. A few years ago, if we had begun this partnership then, I would not have put so much significance on the symbolism. But after a year like the last one, it's hard not to think about something sinister when serpents are involved."
"What a shame," she said thoughtfully, a little sad. "Considering that's the symbol of Slytherin, it seems to imply that anything connected with Slytherin is bad."
"Well, that's a whole subject on its own. Never mind. It's simply wizarding world baggage, that's all. At least, I hope that's all it is," he admitted softly, sounding again like he was talking to himself. They were both quiet for a moment.
"You know, when I looked into the folklore of snakes, I noticed that the further back you go, the more often they are tied to something positive, not negative. Apparently they are a popular symbol for goddess worship."
"Tell me more about that," he said immediately. She was surprised; he seemed as if he really had no idea what she was talking about. Perhaps because this knowledge came most often from muggle sources rather than wizarding ones.
"Well, it seems that snakes were often revered as sacred beings. They were seen as being able to traverse the worlds of the living and the dead. The fact that they could shed their skin and continue on in a new one, seemed itself like some kind of supernatural power. It said that they could continue one life after another, after another. I suppose people took some comfort in it."
"The ouroborus," Severus said thoughtfully.
"Yes! That came up quite a bit."
"Goddess worship…but that's rather odd. I am not sure what that means with regard to the history of Slytherin…or the Dark Lord, for that matter," he said, shuddering imperceptibly. She had a feeling he was not even aware that he had done it.
"Well it's not that odd in the muggle world. I can't help but notice wizards and witches aren't particularly religious. But there is a movement among muggles to return to what we believe were older forms of worship, and many of them were tied to powerful goddesses, mother figures and such. It seems very…primal," she finished. Apparently she had absorbed a lot more knowledge than she'd realized. She heard herself talking, and it reminded her of listening to Hermione Granger.
"But why the connection to evil?" Severus wondered, clearly frustrated.
"Well, that's easy," she said, without thinking. "Women are evil. Or at least, that's what muggles have insisted on believing for a very long time."
"What?" Severus muttered, clearly confused.
"You know. Women, having power. Supernatural powers. Why do you think they burned witches so much in the middle ages? Your world's entire history comes from the persecution of witches, does it not?"
"It does…" Severus admitted, and he seemed very intrigued. He also seemed disbelieving, as if he thought it could not possibly be so simple an explanation. "It does," he repeated. "To be honest, the same prejudices exist in our world as well, though they show themselves in different ways. But to associate women with evil, simply because they are women…" He shook his head. "What a decidedly muggle concept, to be so extreme, and so ridiculous."
Severus was in another place entirely, she could see that. I wonder if we're going to continue the lesson, she thought. This topic was beginning to make her uncomfortable.
She didn't like thinking so much about why she was displaying the powers she had. She was a lot more interested in simply accepting and honing them. The more time went on, the less she wanted to think of herself as a muggle who had suddenly gained some powers, as if bestowed or stolen in some illegitimate way. She did not want to be treated like an accident.
"So…are we going to continue with the legilimency lesson?" she finally asked. Severus looked at her with an expression of mild shock.
"I thought perhaps we'd reached an impasse. This…may be as far as we go. It's not wise to tempt powers whose source we don't understand."
"You mean," she corrected, a little irritated, "you're afraid to do it again because of what happened." He looked at her for a moment.
"Yes, I suppose you're right," he said softly. "I can't put you in that position again, Petunia. It's not right. It's not fair to you."
"Well, I think I'm independent enough to decide what is fair to me," she countered, as if the very suggestion was absurd. "I don't know why you assumed I wouldn't want to continue."
To her surprise, he smiled a little, the sideways smile she had come to adore, that said he was adoring her back.
"You're right. How I could possibly assume you would want to back off of something clearly risky…I can't imagine."
"Good point," she said, and laughed. "But in all seriousness…are you going to continue teaching me legilimency?"
"Well…" he pondered for a moment, his face an expression of deep conflict. "If we continue, which I am very reluctant to do, I think we should have you on the probing end. I have greater control and I am not likely to be distracted by the, erm, the -"
"The sexiness." Petunia almost enjoyed his very obvious discomfort. Not likely to…Right, sure, 'Professor' Snape. Keep telling yourself that." Something of her inner thoughts must be showing on her face, because he looked a little sullen.
"This is serious, Petunia. It's not a joke."
Something about the tension between them - which had gotten decidedly sexual recently - and the way he seemed to talk down to her pushed a button, and Petunia felt herself losing her temper. She stood up briskly, smoothing out her skirt.
"Well, perhaps you're right," she said curtly. "Perhaps this is something we should forget about."
"You're angry," he said, his eyes wide.
"Yes I'm angry, Severus! You make it sound like I'm a petulant little child who doesn't know what I'm doing. I'm allowed to take risks, you know. I am allowed to decide what is and isn't safe for me."
"No, you're not," he argued, a little more sternly. "Not when I'm the master and I know things that can be harmful to you."
"Oh I am certain I know things that are harmful to you. Don't think that just because you're a wizard you're not also a man."
"Hmph." He stared at her for a moment, and she glared back. Apparently they were about to have their first fight. "I can see now why muggles feared women for so long. The Evans sisters alone cannot be rivaled for their cold, merciless fury" Her mouth dropped. She could not tell if he was joking or being mean. Maybe a little of both.
"I think it's time for me to go," she said coldly. "We should take a break." She started to turn to leave, but Severus got up and touched her elbow.
"Wait, Petunia…" His voice was full of naked desperation. "It's not my intention to talk down to you."
"You could have fooled me."
"I'm afraid…can't you understand that?" he whispered, and she stared at him. He was not holding anything back at all, and he was not trying to hide or cover his fear. This, she recognized, was a gesture…of trust. She could not afford to ignore it. She turned to face him.
"Why? What are you so afraid of?"
"I'm afraid I'll hurt you. I'm afraid I'll go too far, drive you away. I…I don't want to lose you, Petunia," he pleaded.
"Severus," she said, softening a little, and taking his hands in hers. "Did it ever occur to you that I might be the one who could go too far?" He stared at her stupidly. No, apparently it didn't, she thought, a little amused. "Do you think I'm some delicate little flower you might crush? I'm a grown woman. I don't know where you get this idea that I'm innocent and need protecting. I assure you, there is nothing innocent about me. That was gone a long time ago." Severus almost smiled, looking embarrassed yet again.
"I know…I know you're not delicate. But this - " He clasped her hands and held them to his heart. " - this thing between us is delicate. I really don't think I could bear it if I ruined by doing something stupid."
"There are two parties here, Severus. You can't 'ruin' anything. Not by yourself. We both have responsibility, and we have to have trust between us."
Severus slowly nodded, and seemed to have some new understanding. He took a breath and spoke gently, his voice low and soft.
"Then let me be the one to trust in you, for once," he insisted. "Let my mind be the one that is open, and you the one to examine it."
"All right," she said, a little surprised. "Why didn't you just suggest that before?"
Severus laughed, looking truly incredulous.
"Are you ever afraid of anything?" he said, and he was really gazing at her with incredulity. "Do you not comprehend the fear of failure?"
"Of course I do. Don't be ridiculous! Just…not about this, I suppose," she said, and realized it was true. Poor Severus…she had the upper hand in this case. She could face the possibility of breaking up and bitter disappointment. She could live through the devastation of losing the only thing that made her happier than doing magic. He seemed to think he could not survive it for himself, though. Maybe she was being a little pushy. Maybe she was not considering his needs and thinking only of her own.
"You know, perhaps you're right. Maybe I shouldn't push this. We can always come back to it again." Severus looked a little relieved.
"I would be perfectly happy to pursue this at your pace. But I do think I would feel better if things were a little more - even. I've been inside your mind. You haven't been inside mine, yet."
"Is that an invitation?" She raised a scandalous eyebrow.
He smiled.
"Please."
She kissed him and he pulled her in to hold her tightly, in that bear-hug way he had, as if he could not stand to be separated from her. She was becoming aroused again, but it was more of the normal kind she felt whenever he kissed her. I adore you…his kiss said.
Petunia's journey into Severus's mind was every bit as fascinating as anyone who knew him should expect it to be. She wondered what memories he would be willing to show her. Severus's mind palace appeared to be an old rundown, two-story house. Inside it was far, far bigger than it seemed on the outside, of course.
She wandered into the tiny living room, and noticed that there was another, much larger room off to the side when she turned the corner. She entered this room, which was richly decorated and looked like a very fine tea room. There were three other egresses to the room, as wide as the entire wall would be, that led to other similar rooms.
In one of them she could just see the polished wooden banister of a staircase that went to the upper floors, and when she came over to it she saw that it also extended downward in the opposite direction, to the basement. She paused, undecided, then chose the upward steps.
The steps were cushioned in a soft green carpet, and when she got to the landing she saw a hallway of doors like hers. There was one a few feet down that was slightly opened, and she went over to it, touching it lightly. It moved easily at her touch, and inside she saw the Room of Requirement.
She was in the middle of it, dancing as she had months ago when he had first seen her do it. She felt rather than saw him standing off to the side, just out of eyesight, watching. She felt a warmth spreading through her as she took in all of his emotions at that moment, the animal-like gaze of a man thinking those kinds of thoughts, looking at her body.
As she watched, the scene swirled around her and she saw him kneeling in her room, rubbing her feet. She went over to stand behind the memory of herself, so that she could see his face. The utter devotion, despair, and worship upon it stunned her, and she felt as if she wanted to cry. Then the warm feeling continued as she saw him touching her feet with great care, taking his time to admire them, to feel them in his hands and what that felt like.
Gradually she became aware of her real legs starting to feel weak, and the scene became blurry again. She felt herself moving, falling, and opened her eyes just as Severus caught her. Apparently she had just been about to go right down on the floor. Her legs felt like jelly.
She looked into his eyes, and what she saw there were no words to describe. It was many things, all about her…sweet, loving, predatory, even a hint of rage, but all of it combined in a maelstrom of desire. She stood up and he let her go, circling his arms out around each side of her in case she was still unsteady.
As she recovered feeling and strength in her legs again, she backed away from him, still looking into his eyes. She smiled, knowing that this smile would be a new one to him. She willed him to see the hunger that now consumed her. She turned on her heel and headed to the door, and just as she passed through, she stopped to look back. Come with me now, she thought. Then she headed back to her suite without any doubt that he would follow.
Things escalated quickly after that. Severus had underestimated the effect of their legilimency on their mutual passion. Particularly for Petunia, amatorios mentis lectio acted as a potent aphrodisiac, and while it excited him to distraction as well, he felt himself being pulled along for the ride when it came to her sex drive.
It was not long before an evening arrived when it seemed they both knew they would end up in bed together. It was late, long after the hallways had emptied and sounds of the kitchen cleaning died away. Petunia sat straddling his lap on one of her couches, moaning and sighing as his hands explored all of her.
That evening, Petunia pawed at his chest as she kissed him, and finally asked if they could go somewhere more private…maybe not a building full of kids. I really have to get you out of these clothes, she'd insisted, whispering with her hot breath in his ear. At first he hesitated when she suggested 'his place,' which she had not yet seen, but it didn't take too much convincing. He had to have expected this eventually. It would be interesting to have a woman in his home, when its chronic emptiness only periodically ended when he was there reading or sleeping.
Breaking the disapparation rule just this once, Severus dropped the wards long enough to whisk them away to his home. He opened the front door and let her enter first, watching her take a swift, cursory look around and make a few half-interested comments. Then he followed her upstairs as she immediately went looking for the bedroom, leaving a trail of her clothes along the way. She found it and they fell onto his bed, where Petunia began to unbutton his jacket.
It was a strange feeling. He was inexplicably afraid, but he could not imagine why. He felt vulnerable as she opened it, and tensed, waiting to feel the touch of her hand on his skin. When it happened, though, it was wonderful. To his utter surprise, it felt like the most natural thing in the world. In fact, it felt really good.
Suddenly his clothes seemed too tight for him, too. He wanted to shed them to get closer to her, to feel her naked body against his. She herself was almost topless, a silky undershirt falling off her shoulders, the lacy brasserie she was wearing now mysteriously gone. She unbuttoned the starched white shirt he always wore underneath his stiff, black ensemble, and now her small, soft hands caressed him, making broad strokes against his chest, which no lover had ever touched. She was exploring him now…her fingertips curling into his chest hair, her lips on his neck and chest, burying her face into him, smelling and seeming to savor him. It was all so incredible, and he melted away into the sea of sensation.
As he gave himself over to the full enjoyment of their play, he noticed something interesting. Petunia responded to their growing sexual tension with increasingly animalistic tendencies, urgent and wild. He, on the other hand, found time slowing dramatically around him, so that he was suspended in a moment of deep, concentrated attention to one part of her body at a time.
Severus took advantage of this. The more she clawed, caressed, and moaned against him, the more he held her steady and close, insisting on thoroughness in giving her maximum pleasure at every moment. He explored her with his mouth, brushing it along her throat. He reached down beneath her thighs and pushed her up so that her nipples were at the level of his mouth, sucking and grazing them with his tongue. Petunia began to thrust against him as if she could no longer control herself, and her moans and sighs became deeper, raspy and throaty as he dragged them up from the depths of her body.
And then a funny thing happened. A nasty, dark, conceited part of Severus that he had long ago pushed down began to remerge, spectating and commenting with greater and greater strength. Naughty girl, it said, when Petunia began to thrust rhythmically against him, and pushed his hand beneath her lacy underwear, bidding him to slide it down. You like this, don't you. You need this. You need me.
At first it surprised him, this part of him that loved power. Always before, this had led to the worst things in his life. Always before, it had quickly led to disaster, misery, and isolation, so he had learned very early to shove that primal ego way, way down beneath his subconscious. But now…now it took him by surprise, because he had not given it permission to emerge, had not called it forward. He was no longer controlling it, and so it reappeared and grew louder and stronger. At first, Severus was horrified, and struggled to maintain concentration on enjoying himself while keeping firm control on his shadow self.
But soon, he began to think it was doing no harm…in fact, perhaps this is what it had been craving all along. A time and place that it could free itself, be as dark and power-hungry and aggressive as it needed to be, with someone who not only consented to it, but enjoyed it. And someone, he thought firmly, he cared for deeply. Maybe it was all right to let it come out and play.
And he began to open his mind to her, thinking she should be part of that decision. With legilimency he coaxed her, beckoning her to enter his deeper mind, where he could introduce them to each other. He could not tell if Petunia was actively accepting the invitation, but he felt that they were connected, and was reassured that they seemed in sync with each other in their pleasure. Petunia's own deeper mind grew louder, and he soon understood it was telling him in no uncertain terms that she wanted him inside her now.
Deliciously terrified, uncertain and eager all at once, he rolled onto her and grabbed her thighs, pushing them apart. As they stripped the last of their layers off and lay with their limbs wrapped around each other, Severus felt his vision go blurry for a moment, and felt he was about to experience a mental ecstasy even before they began. He let his eyes unfocus and opened himself to the experience, waiting to see what would happen. And just as he thought the moment had arrived, an image clear as day solidified, a person who stood in the imaginary doorway, watching them. And it was dead Lily…
The end.
JUST KIDDING! :P Will update soon...
