FINALLY! The saga continues!
I am curious to know what you all think of Petunia's reunion with Dudley...I particularly enjoyed writing that, lol.
At The Edge of Death
Severus felt his chest tight for a moment as a mist swirled around him, as if he had been squeezed by a vice into a space too small. But almost at the same time as the mist began to clear, he found he could breathe again. And now, as he saw the familiar street - in black and white - take shape before him, he felt light as air as he began to move - how? Down Spinner's End.
The dark plumes of factory smoke were the only things missing from this manifestation of his childhood neighborhood; everything else felt eerily familiar, and yet he knew it was not real, but rather a byway, some kind of place in between the worlds of death and life which he now haunted, precariously close to death himself in the waking world. Though the smoke was not present, there was the faint memory of the smells of his home. Oddest of all, though, was that while he felt he had not changed physically or emotionally to fit with his childhood's memory, he noticed as he went silently down the empty street that the houses rose on either side of him, looming large as they had seemed when he had been a child.
He continued past them without much curiosity, merely noting the sensations and impressions of this mysterious state of being. He wandered until he found the path behind his own row of houses that led to the other neighborhood, the one that he had wished he'd lived in so many times growing up. Heading toward that familiar spot on the hill, back when such a spot could feel a world away to a child, even though it might be completely in sight of anyone around them. Heading toward her.
Trudging up the hill, he saw that he was still alone; there was no one waiting for him there. Then he must have gotten there first, he decided with little emotion or concern. Knowing exactly what to do, he lay down on his back, angled and spread-eagled out on the grayscale grass, and put his hands under his head. He closed his eyes. Within seconds, his fingers caught the feeling of her hair, barely touching it back in the days when he tried to do it so she would not notice, but also half hoping she would.
"I've wondered if I'd see you here," Lily's voice said near his head, sounding amused. It was something between her child self and her adult self; it sounded like the memory of her youth, but felt in wisdom and weight like her grown up. So did his own voice sound to his ears when he replied, eyes still closed.
"Did you now? Sooner than today, I imagine."
"Not really. There's not much sense of time here. But…I could have sworn you were here once before. I went to meet you, waited for you, but when I came closer, you were gone, and the world faded away. I was never quite sure I had seen you at all," she said thoughtfully.
"It was probably me," he answered, matter of fact, and sighed. "I don't remember, though. But I was…I should have been…I went back," he said finally, suddenly lacking the words to describe his near death experience. He gazed at the clouds above, which also seemed familiar; they took shapes like those he and Lily had most often seen as children: a lion, a unicorn, a grumpy old woman, a truck, a dragon, the lead car of the Hogwarts Express. A soft breeze swept over them, carrying a hint of that airy mist with the scent that he could not quite identify, but was rather pleasant. It smells like a good memory, he thought absurdly, lazily.
"Oh…?"
Severus heard her body shift and, knowing that she was turning over on her stomach to face him, he turned around as well. There he saw her, part girl, part woman, just as her voice had been, somehow completely integrated, not at all strange. He assumed she must see him the same way, as well. Her black eyebrows knit with confusion. If he had at all doubted this was Lily's actual spirit, those doubts now vanished.
"But…that means you died? Was it in the battle?"
"Yes."
"How?"
"The Dark Lord. His snake, to be exact. You'd think all these years I would have been prepared for the possibility of being attacked by that venomous, evil beast. Just the same, it caught me by surprise. To this day, I still don't know exactly how I survived. I just…woke up, my wound nearly closed, and wandered through the Forbidden Forest until I managed to stumble onto the Hogwarts grounds. All the fighting had ended by then, obviously, and I was looking around to find out who had won, when I heard the entire school yard screaming at me and all of Hogwarts came pouring over to surround me. It's mostly a blur after that. It was…well, it was surreal, to be honest. I can't tell if I was more disturbed by being alive - and missing the battle - or by having all that docus on me…all those insane, smiling faces of young and old, looking at me as if they all somehow knew, after all those years, all I had done…"
He trailed off, remembering, as Lily's mouth hung open wide, clearly mesmerized by the story.
"It was H - your son, of course." And he felt his lip curl with a mixture of disgust and embarrassment, and tried not to look too ungrateful. But Lily knew him too well, of course. She stared at him for a moment, and then burst out laughing, her black freckles standing out sharply on her white face, her eyes squeezing tight with tears pouring out. Severus found her laughter contagious after a second, and found himself unable to keep from laughing himself. It felt very good, very cathartic; he was pretty sure he had only ever laughed like that when they were together, friends, before they had grown up and everything went wrong.
"I bet you loved that," Lily said, wiping the tears from her eyes. "I can just see it. I just see him, looking at you, with nothing but hero worship…"
"Oh, please, don't - " Severus groaned, cutting her off. "That's exactly what it was like. It was awful," he laughed. He couldn't help it. He hated the memory, but the very fact that he hated it seemed very funny at the moment. They joked about this a little while longer until the laughter subsided, and there was a moment of quiet. They were sitting up now, facing each other, each with a black and white dandelion in their hands, twirling it absently, making it levitate and spin, as they had done so often in those days.
"But Severus, what's going on? Why are you here now? You don't feel…you don't seem to be all the way here…"
"I'm not," he explained. "I'm just visiting. Passing through, you might say. Well in fact," he added, sobering as he remembered all that had brought him to this moment, "I came to find you."
Lily frowned and her eyes filled with alarm.
"What do you mean?! What have you done?"
"It's all right, it's all right, don't panic. I did a ritual, that's all. It's temporary. I mean to go back," he said, trying to smile and make it seem like no big deal. But he knew he wasn't going to fool her. Lily stood up, and he followed, and they stared at each other, now both fully adult, her frowning and looking increasingly upset.
"Severus, why?! You can't have done this just to find me - I mean…why?! Why now? And what if you can't go back?"
"I'll be able to go back," he tried to reassure her, taking her by both arms and looking into her eyes with determined concentration. "I…take it then you don't know what's passed since the battle, since you saw Harry before he met the Dark Lord."
"I know nothing. Please, tell me what's going on. If you've had a life after all that…I can't bear the thought of you suddenly throwing it away. Not for the past."
"Not for the past, no. For the future," he said quietly but firmly, and then he told her all that had transpired that year, since her sister had come to Hogwarts, demanded to be taught magic, and he had apprenticed her after discovering she seemed to have the gift after all…and how over time he had fallen in love with her. So engaged was he in all the details that he barely noticed her incredulity, but he did notice, with much satisfaction, a sort of brightness growing in her face, like a light underneath, a spark of joy.
"I…I can't determine what is wrong with me, why I saw those awful visions, but the only think I could think of was that it had something to do with you. I knew it wasn't actually you, but I feared some intelligence other than mine had latched onto my memories, and might be using them to slowly possess me. And you know hard had this for me to admit…but the truth is, I am in over my head. I did not know what else to do. Petunia's suggestion to break things off…well, truthfully, I panicked a little. I might have overreacted -" He felt rueful amusement at this thought "- I…don't know. But here I am, and so I must find what I can to free myself."
"For her," Lily said in almost a whisper, her huge eyes disbelieving. She shook her head. "For her," she repeated again.
"For her, yes," he echoed, and they were silent again.
"This is incredible. I mean…I have so many questions," Lily finally laughed, a smile spreading wide across her face. They started walking back down the hill, side by side, but neither seemed to care which direction they were going. "I feel like I should have seen this coming. Like I should have known, before - before I died…" and Severus felt a hint of regret seep into her voice.
"How could you? How could anyone? Do you know, I am not even sure Dumbledore himself could have predicted…this."
"But it feels so significant! I mean can it really just all be coincidence? Just the result of proximity?"
Severus smiled, realizing he had had this very thought many times himself.
"I don't know, but I no longer care. I no longer think that it's an important question to ask. If I had spent all this time living as if some destiny had been laid out for me, limiting myself…maybe I would never have found a way to open my heart to the happiness that was right in front of me, waiting to see it."
"You're probably right," Lily conceded. "It probably doesn't matter. But Severus, now you've found me…what? What do you need to do here? How will you go back?"
Severus frowned. They stopped, now standing in the middle of her street. The black and white trees, the buildings, even the sidewalks, all looked so much cleaner, brighter than Spinner's End.
"I've been thinking about this ever since Granger showed me the ritual," he said finally. He reached into his robes with some curiosity, and when he withdraw his hand, he was pleased to see that his wand was in it. "I don't know if that being is here in this place, but I can only think of one way to know that it no longer has hold of me," he said, knowing that he was making little sense. He didn't really have the words to describe what he was thinking; he just felt it, like an instinct. Holding out his wand in front of him, he called in a loud, commanding voice, "Expecto Patronum!"
The Patronus burst from the tip of his wand- a brilliant hue of sky blue against all the black and white, stunning in its sharpness. The doe solidified and went cantering off into the distance. When it had gone, he could feel the stiff silence between them both, as if they had both frozen and held their breath at the same time, and he knew she understood. What to do he did not know, but he hoped now that she might.
"I see," Lily said finally.
"But I love her, Lily! I do love her!" Severus insisted, turning to her. It seemed crucial to him that she understand this, that she believe him.
"Of course you do, Severus…" she trailed off, shaking her head slowly, and he could see that she was thinking, trying to come up with some kind of explanation. He waited quietly. When she said nothing more, he spoke again, trying to bring her back to to the moment. He was starting to feel a sense of urgency again, now that he had made his point with the patronus, now that he had proof that he was right about something.
"All I can think of is that I have to change - that," he said clumsily, desperating, nodding in the direction that the doe had taken. "I mean…over time, yes, it might have changed, but…" he trailed off, feeling a flood of miserable confusion.
"But you don't know if you have the time, if Petunia will wait for you," Lily finished. It had been as if she had completely shared his thought, rather than simply guessed. He knew this must mean he was on the right track.
"I don't know if it's right for me to try to change that…I mean…I can't force her…"
"No," Lily agreed, "But you can give her a chance, make the situation as ideal as possible. I understand," she said, and he felt a little surprised. Old Lily, he had thought, would not approve much of the lengths he'd gone to change something that was not really in his control.
But he was not trying to control Petunia, he reasoned. He did not know ultimately if he could win her over. But I have to try, he told himself. I have to do whatever I can for my part, to give it the best chance. Or I'll always wonder. I'll always ask myself if I should have done something more. That possibility was unbearable; he had already spent at least a third of his lifetime with questions that kept him from moving on in his life.
'I have to find out if I can leave it here, somehow. Or if…I can destroy it."
Lily nodded, not seeming to be shocked or offended by this suggestion at all. Clearly she agreed that it was the most obvious solution.
"Is there anything here that can do that?" He asked.
"Yes, I think there is. Well, I know there is, though I've only seen it once myself. I never went to close to it. The Hellfire Tree. I have seen in this realm, at the edge of the world of the living and the dead, a fiery tree, so huge that its branches disappear far up into the sky, and its roots reach down into the molten earth, into 'hell' itself. And I don't know how I know, but I believe that tree, that thing is the beginning and end of all things, holding it all together. I don't even know if it is an actual tree or not, or if it is just some manifestation for a soul to perceive, how it appears here on this side. But I have seen it."
"Can you take me to it?" Severus asked, breathless and scarcely daring to hope.
"Yes, I believe so. We simply have to decide to go to it."
"Then lead the way."
At that moment, Severus heard another voice call out across the mist, and looked down the street to see Potter senior, looking as he had as Harry's father, coming down the street toward them. Next to him trotted a familiar, black dog.
"Oh you've got to be joking," Severus groaned, but Lily gave a delighted laugh and called to them.
"Over here, James! Sirius! Look who I found!"
'James' was smirking, looking for all the world as if he had just played the best prank ever on Severus, and Severus scowled. Sirius in dog form ran up to them both, his tail wagging furiously, as he snuffled at Lily, who pet him and cooed at him as if he were a real dog, clearly not at all surprised to see him.
Don't you dare,Severus thought, as Sirius turned to him next, and for an awful moment he thought the dog was going to start snuffling him too. But Sirius's dog form stretched and grew, and in seconds he was standing there like his old self, grinning roguishly, without any hint of anger or hatred whatsoever. Both he and Potter, Severus realized, seemed to be greeting him as an old friend, as if there had never been any real bad blood between them, as if he had been part of the Marauders all along. His scowl deepened and he felt resentment and suspicion warring within him, unable to determine how best to respond to this. But the three best friends were chatting hurriedly among themselves, just as they had in the old days, talking over each other with unnecessary excitement, as Lily brought them both up to speed.
That sobered them, apparently, and James and Sirius both looked at Severus with a mixture of disbelief and awe.
"You killed yourself to come here and try to rid yourself of Lily's patronus?" James asked. Severus' anger instantly flared up, offended by his choice of words.
"It's not Lily's patronus. It's mine," he growled.
"Right, that's what I meant," James corrected, seemingly unaware or unconcerned by Severus's unfriendliness. In the old days, James would have been ignoring him, pretending not to notice. But Severus, to his surprise and dismay, could see that James really didn't seem to be aware of what he'd said and how it had been taken, or did not seem to be worried if he did notice it. It was as if James thought him a true friend, someone with whom he could have a spat that would momentarily be forgotten.
"The Hellfire Tree is - well, it's primeval," Sirius was saying, as if they were all idiots who needed this explained. "It's positively dangerous. Are you sure, Severus, are you really convinced this is the only way?" And Sirius turned his dark eyes, for all the world as filled with innocence as the stupid dog he mimicked, upon Severus, waiting for some kind of unnecessary answer.
Severus did not know how else to deal with this. The situation was too important, the stakes too high, to allow himself to be thwarted by old feelings of hatred. But it was hard for him to shake the mistrust. He simply could not understand why James and Sirius would care about him at all, and want to help him. And the bewildering thing about it was that they did seem to care.
Severus did not want to waste any time falling prey to his past mistakes or hang ups - it was the future that was important, a future that he hoped to share with Petunia. But he had to know for sure that he could trust his old enemies.
"Last I saw you," he said slowly, not taking his eyes from Sirius's, "You had a wand pointed at me in Grimmauld Place, and you were positively insistent that I was not to be trust. Then," he continued, as Sirius seemed about to protest, "you were apparently flung through the Veil at the hands of Bellatrix Lestrange, a horrifying death, even I must admit. Such a trauma seems to me that it would have a lasting impression in any form of afterlife. Have you forgotten all this?"
Sirius was shaking his head and smiling wryly, a mixed expression on his face of regret and sadness.
"I didn't forget, Severus." Severus…not 'Snivellus!' "I just…it really doesn't seem that important, at the moment. You…you wouldn't be here, and we wouldn't have found you here, if we weren't meant to help you. If there weren't some kind of connection between us that goes beyond all that…beyond all the nasty history. Don't ask me how I know that…I just do."
"Agreed," said James. "I remember everything as if it were yesterday. But the feelings attached to those memories…they just don't seem all that real, here. Not after everything that's happened. You saved my son from Voldemort," James continued, his eyes suddenly looking dangerous close to spilling tears, which made Severus instantly wish he could look anywhere else. "You didn't just save him…you died for him,"
"DON'T…say it like that," Severus bellowed, and then tried to bring his voice back down. "I didn't die for him," he snarled. But he knew there was no point. Here, the nuances didn't seem to matter. The outcome was the same. That was all that seemed important in this place. The only things real here were…were…the truth, he realized. No illusions, no misunderstandings, no bruised egos. Nothing was left but the reality of who they all were, and whether he liked it or not, it was very clear that in another life, perhaps, they really might have been friends.
Lily had said nothing through this exchange, and merely gazed back at him when he looked at her to gauge her reaction. He sighed.
"I have little time," he murmured, feeling dazed and unable to keep up with all the drastic changes at once. "It's not worth it…hashing any of it out, is it.'
"No," said Sirius.
"Nope," said Lily.
James simply shook his head emphatically, and then gave another infuriatingly sincere smile. Then, to Severus's complete shock, he reached out to him and put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it the slightest bit without any hint of irony, any feeling whatsoever of hidden aggression or threat. Like a friend. More than that. Like…like family.
"I don't understand it all either, Severus, but all I can tell you is when I saw my son on his way to face Voldermort, and then I knew…somehow I knew it had all been right, because he never returned, I never found him here…and I never saw him again, " James seemed to swallow a lump in his throat at this…"I just understand what happened. I knew it was all over. All the hatred, all the poison, the pure blood nonsense…all of it, gone. And my son, alive, free to live his own life, for once. That's all I ever cared about, you know," he said thoughtfully, as if it had just occurred to him to share this with Severus.
"All I ever cared about was my son, my family, once he was born. And if you had come to us then, if we'd had a chance to reconcile, I would have - I like to think I would have moved beyond the dislike, for Lily's sake, to have her friend back. And to have another brilliant, powerful wizard for Harry to look up to."
"All right, all right…that is quite enough," Severus said, sounding bored and exasperated at the same time, but really what he felt was uncomfortable. He didn't have time for this. One relationship at a time. Petunia was what mattered right now. And he had to get back, before he risked actually dying, and being stuck here with these…
"I accept your help, whether I understand it or not. Seems I have little choice. So please, lead me to this Hellfire tree, so I can protect myself from this parasite that threatens Petunia and I," he said, not wanting to finish anymore of his previous thought. And the minute Petunia's name came from his lips, he suddenly remembered what he really cared about.
They might be right, he thought. Perhaps only real things mattered here. Later,, he told himself firmly, as he followed the chattering trio along the grey pavement toward whatever was beyond it. I'll deal with that later. Much…much…MUCH later. And he pushed it all aside into one of his many compartments, so that he would be free to feel nothing but how important it was to get back to Petunia.
