Chapter 29
Disclaimer: The poem "The Broken Heart" by John Donne belongs to...well, John Donne! So don't sue me, lovely readers!
It was pretty late, and it was dark outside. Stars were splattered across the sky, and the moon was shining as brightly as ever. All was calm as everyone slept...everyone except Stephanie.
She sat outside upstairs on the balcony, holding her phone in her hand and looking up at the stars. She looked at her phone, seriously contemplating on whether or not she should send Chris an IM. She missed him so much, and she couldn't even tell him. She hadn't talked to him in an entire month, and it had been incredibly difficult for her to refrain from calling him and telling him. Here she was, seven weeks pregnant with his child, and she wasn't even talking to him. She doubted that he would even talk to her if she tried to contact him now.
She flipped her phone's screen up and opened the AIM application, and her heart started beating faster when she saw that Chris was online. He had his away message on, but she couldn't resist saying something to him...
Stephy76: Hi... How are you?
cjrocks: AWAY Ever noticed how "love" and "pain" both have four letters?
Stephanie sighed a little and wondered if he would write her back. Apparently he had his away message on. I'll wait all night for him to write me back, she thought, settling back fully in her chair to wait. She didn't expect for him to write her back, but if he did... Maybe she could breathe again. She would wait all night, really. She didn't have to wait very long, though.
cjrocks: Why would you want to know how I am?
Stephy76: Because... I worry about you, ok?
cjrocks: You weren't worrying about me when you were stomping on my heart with spiked heels.
Stephy76: I don't even wear spiked heels.
cjrocks: Whatever. Did you look up Smoochy Dreams yet?
Stephy76: No, why?
cjrocks: Because, even after what you did, I'm still a Smoochy Dreamer...for now, anyway. Do this for me. Google "DCFanatic4life." Click on the link and read what's there, and then you'll know...
Stephy76: I'm surprised that you even replied to my IM. I know I hurt you, Chris...
cjrocks: Yeah, you did hurt me, and that's why I'm signing off now.
Stephy76: Chris, don't go yet. I want to talk to you. I miss talking to you so much.
cjrocks: How about you read that letter Hunter's giving you and then see how much you still want to talk to me.
Stephy76: Hunter? Letter? What are you talking about.
cjrocks: You'll see... Later.
Stephy76: Before you go... Chris, I still love you...
System Message: cjrocks is no longer online.
Stephanie sighed, wondering if he'd read what she'd said. She'd told him that she still loved him, but had he signed off before or after he got the message? She wanted him to know that she still loved him, but it had been dumb of her to tell him now. It could ruin her plans, every single one of them. She had to remind herself that she wanted to be a free, single woman the next time she told him just how much she loved him... Free to be with him and free to enjoy being pregnant with his baby...
She put on her away message, which simply read, "It'll all be worth it in the end." That was a message specifically for Chris, but she doubted that he would read it. After that, she opened her web browser and typed in "DCFanatic4life." When the results came up, she clicked on one of the first links she saw, which just happened to be the profile of an author named DCFanatic4life on a fan fiction site.
Just as she was about to start reading the contents of the profile, she heard someone clear their throat behind her. She turned around to find her soon to be ex-husband leaning in the doorway, and she raised her eyebrows.
"You're back early," she stated, standing up. "You weren't supposed to be back until tomorrow."
"I know," Hunter said, standing up straight. "But I've come on a mission."
"A mission?" she repeated, confused. "What are you talking about?"
"Someone you know asked me to give you this," he said, pulling out a white envelope. "I suggest you read it..."
"Who's it from?" she wanted to know, as she took the envelope from him.
"You'll see," he said vaguely. "Oh, and before I forget... I saw Jericho earlier today, and he looked so damn bad... What's up with him?"
"H-how would I know?" she asked, stuttering. "How does he look bad?"
"He just looks so sad...heartbroken, even," he said, looking for some kind of reaction from her. She looked so sad all of a sudden that he was almost sad that he'd mentioned it...almost. But from the look on her face, he knew that Chris had been telling the truth when they'd had their little talk earlier... When she didn't say anything else, he spoke again. "Well, I'm going to bed... I'm tired..."
"Goodnight," she said quietly.
"Night."
She watched him as he went into her bedroom, then went out the door and closed it softly behind him. They hadn't shared a bedroom in weeks now, and she was glad of that when she noticed who's handwriting it was on the front of the envelope. She would definitely be needing her privacy for this one, that much she knew. She considered staying out on the balcony, but she almost immediately decided against it. She didn't want whatever was in the envelope to fly away. If Chris had written it (and she was pretty sure that he had), it was going to be precious to her. If Chris had even touched it, it was going to be precious to her...
She sat down on her bed and opened the envelope. With shaking hands, she pulled out and unfolded two sheets of paper. When she unfolded the papers, a picture fell out, and she stared at it. It was a picture of her and him together. Where had they been? In a restaurant. She remembered that day clearly...
Flashback: Six weeks ago...
"Why are you looking at me?" Stephanie asked, looking across the table at Chris. He was staring at her intently, chin propped in his hand and head tilted to the side as he studied her.
"You're beautiful tonight, stunning, even," Chris said simply. "I can't seem to look away."
"Then take a picture already," she teased, blushing. "You're making me uncomfortable."
"But you're gorgeous," he insisted.
"Thank you," she said quietly, averting her eyes. She could still feel his eyes on her, and it was a bit unnerving.
"I can see that you don't like this, so I'll take your advice," he said, pulling out his phone.
"Advice? What advice?" she asked curiously.
"I'm going to take a picture of you," he told her.
"I don't want to take a picture," she said immediately, shaking her head.
"And why not?" he wanted to know.
"Because I feel fat and bloated," she said bluntly, placing her hand on her stomach. "That's why."
"Oh, come on, please?" he asked, pouting.
"I told you once before that I'd never be able to tell you no if you looked at me that way," she reminded him.
"I know. Why do you think I did it?" he laughed. She rolled her eyes playfully at him as the waiter walked up. "Excuse me," Chris said to the waiter. "Will you do me a favor?"
"Sure," the waiter agreed immediately. "What would that be?"
"Could you take a picture of the two if us for me?" Chris asked.
"Will do," the waiter said.
"Thanks." Chris handed him the phone, then beckoned Stephanie over. She stood up uncertainly and walked over to him, and he pulled her down into his lap and put his arms around her waist, one hand resting lightly on her stomach.
She placed her hand on his and entwined their fingers together, and then she leaned back to whisper into his ear. "You love it when I'm on top of you, don't you?"
"I love you any way," he whispered back, smiling at her. He turned and winked at the waiter, and as soon as Stephanie leaned over to kiss Chris's cheek, the waiter snapped the picture. "Thanks," Chris told him, reaching for his phone. He looked down at the picture. "Aw, we look so good together."
"No, we don't," she disagreed, getting off his lap as the waiter walked away.
"What?"
"We don't just look good... We look great together!"
"Forever," he said, suddenly serious. "We could look great together forever."
"Forever," she agreed. But when would forever begin?
End Flashback
Stephanie smiled a little as she looked at the picture, but it was a sad smile. The memories and emotions that this picture evoked in her made her want to cry, but she didn't. Instead, she set the picture aside and looked at the letter...
Stephanie,
I don't even know where to begin with this. I've never had to do this before, not with anyone that I've dated... I don't know if that's because I've never loved a woman as much as I love you, or if it's because no woman has ever hurt me as much as your actions have. I would tell you that I love you a million times, I would prove it with my kisses, I would do anything and everything for you, and for some reason it just feels like it won't ever be enough. Maybe I won't ever be enough for you. Maybe Hunter has something that I don't have... I just can't understand. I thought everything was going perfectly for us. We were spending so much time together, getting closer than we'd ever been before. Whenever I told you that I loved you, you would say it back...
So what changed that day when I came to your house?
I don't know what changed or why it changed, but I do know that you... You've broken my heart. I don't think I'm capable of loving another woman, Steph, not after the way you hurt me. I was there for you from the beginning, that first night when you needed a man because your own husband wouldn't touch you. I held you in my arms, I made love to you tenderly... I kissed every inch of your beautiful skin... Do you remember? I made you feel wanted, remember? Every time you cried, I was there to wipe away your tears and to assure you that everything would be ok. Remember who was there for you when you needed somebody? That was me. Not Hunter. ME.
Now I haven't seen you in a month, and with each passing day, my heart breaks a little more. You don't call me anymore... It's like you don't even care about me anymore, if you ever cared about me at all, which I'm seriously beginning to doubt. I think about you all the time, even when I don't want to, and every little thing reminds me of you. I'm a shell of who I once was. All I feel is numbness, because loving you? It just makes me numb. I feel numb all day, everyday, and it's all because of YOU. So now I've come to a decision, and I think it's my duty to tell you what that decision is.
I can't live without you, Steph, and I've been stumbling around like a broken man for a month now, a whole month. Everyone wonders what's wrong with me, and I can't tell them what it is. The only one who I've confided in is Trish, and she's the one who's helping me get through this. She doesn't know what I've decided to do, no one knows... But you're about to know. You see, I can't keep living this way. It's too hard, being without you is too hard. Loving you and you not returning my love, it's breaking me. So here's what I've decided.
From this point on, I'm stopping any and all contact with you. I won't try to call you, I won't email you or text you or IM you, and I can promise you that this will be my last letter to you. I know it's not possible, but I'm going to try my hardest to forget about you and everything I thought we shared. Was it easy for you to forget about me? Want to give me some pointers? Or am I not important enough?
Not good enough?
I'll never know, because now... Now, it's officially over between us. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone, Stephanie, but it's killing me the way things are right now... So I'm going to just try to forget. Wish me luck...
Chris
P.S. I've attached a poem by one of my favorite poets, John Donne. Read it, it explains how I feel even better than I can explain it...
Stephanie finished reading the letter, then put it down to look at the poem. She didn't know what to say, what could she say? So he was just going to forget about her, just like that? This was putting a huge dent in her plans, but she didn't know how she could stop it. Instead of trying to figure it out, she started to read the poem he'd attached to the letter...
The Broken Heart
He is stark mad, who ever says
That he hath been in love an hour,
Yet not that love so soon decays,
But that it can ten in less space devour;
Who will believe me, if I swear
That I have had the plague a year?
Who would not laugh at me, if I should say,
I saw a flask of powder burn a day?
Ah, what a trifle is a heart,
If once into love's hands it come!
All other griefs, allow a part
To other griefs, and ask themselves but some;
They come to us, but us Love draws,
He swallows us, and never chaws:
By him, as by chain'd shot, whole ranks do die,
He is the tyrant pike, our hearts the fry.
If 'twere not so, what did become
Of my heart, when I first saw thee?
I brought a heart into the room,
But from the room, I carried none with me:
If it had gone to thee, I know
Mine would have taught thine heart to show
More pity unto me: but Love, alas,
At one first blow did shiver it as glass.
Yet nothing can to nothing fall,
Nor any place can be empty quite,
Therefore I think my breast hath all
Those pieces still, though they be not unite;
And now as broken glasses show
A hundred lesser faces, so
My rags of heart can like, wish, and adore,
But after one such love, can love no more.
She put the poem down when the words began to swim before her eyes. So this was how she was making him feel... He had been right, this poem told her more about how he felt than his letter had, and now she felt pretty rotten. He didn't want to talk to her anymore, and could she blame him? She'd treated him so badly, but she had a reason, right?
Ok, not really.
She grabbed her phone and dialed his number from memory, then waited impatiently for him to answer it.
"Yeah?" he answered, yawning.
"Chris, it's me," she said.
"Stephanie?" he asked, wide awake.
"Yes, Stephanie. I'm sorry, Chris. I read the letter and I'm sorry for everything, and-"
"Don't call me because you pity me, ok? That's not cool."
"You just don't understand! But mark my words, Chris, you and I will be together, we will. It's only a matter of time."
"What are you-"
"You'll find out soon enough. Just give me some time," she pleaded.
"I gave you time, and you took too long. I'm moving on...or trying to, anyway," he said loudly.
"You remember what you promised me?"
"What did I promise you?"
"That you would never let go... Remember when I made you promise me that?" she asked, hoping he remembered.
"I remember, but that's not valid anymore," he replied.
"What do you mean?" she demanded.
There was a short pause before he spoke again. "You let go first, Steph... Now there's nothing left for me to hold on to." And with that said, he ended the call.
She sat there and thought about what he'd told her. So he thinks we have nothing left to hold on to, huh? she thought to herself, dialing another familiar number. I'll show him...
"Victor Cruz speaking."
"Vic, it's Stephanie."
"Oh, Mrs. McMahon-Helmsley," the man said, recognizing her voice. "It's kind of late, but what can I do for you?"
"First, you can drop the 'Helmsley' from my last name," she said. "And second, you can answer a question for me."
"Shoot, then."
"How long will it take for this divorce to be over with?"
"I told you, I'm going as fast as I can possibly go, ok? A month is the earliest I can say."
"Could you shorten that to two weeks for extra money?"
"I could try," he said. "But why are you rushing this anyway?"
"Because the man I love is slipping away from us, away from me and my baby," she answered quietly. "And I don't want to let him go. I don't want to hurt him again..."
His whole tone of voice changed. "There's a baby involved?"
"Yeah, I'm pregnant..."
"Give me two weeks."
A/N: "I'll be your friend, and I'll think about you every time I step on something crunchy." I'm sorry, I was watching Kim Possible and Ron said that to this huge roach... Anyway, what do you all think of this chapter? I know it's a bit weird and jumps around a lot. I love that poem up there so much, but if you didn't understand it, I apologize... I read it in my AP Lit and Comp class and I've loved it since then and I just knew I had to find a way to put it in a story... You guys know the routine, leave me a review and I'll love you all forever! Lol!
