It has come time, my dear audience, for me to tell you of a large army of Saxons more commonly known as Big Hairy Men who were preparing to invade Britain. It is important to take note of two such Saxons, the first being Large Long-haired Saxon Father and the second being Large Long-haired Saxon Father's Bald Son. Both grunt a lot and stand around looking generally evil and malicious. What I am trying to say is that these are the villains of the story, and you should dislike them.

Meanwhile, Arthur and the Sarmatian knights accompanied the Roman caravan back to Hadrian's wall, which really, really existed. I'm serious. Historians agree.

"So anyways," Tristan began, having awoken from his state of unconsciousness, "I think she is sleeping around with one of the officers in the fourth legion because she's always scuttling about the west side of the fort, which as you know is the fourth legion's territory."

"But that doesn't mean anything," Dagonet argued, "Have you actually seen her with any of them?"

"Well no," Tristan answered, "But Lucilla said---"

"Oh please!" interrupted Dagonet, "Lucilla doesn't know what she's talking about. I never trust her about anything. Remember that time when---"

"Do you two ever shut up?" asked Lancelot agitated. Tristan and Dagonet rolled their eyes at him and continued on with their gossip. Behind them, Galahad had picked up some kind of wild flower which he was presently braiding into one of Gawain's long locks of curly hair. Gawain, however, had his attention on Bors. "So Bors," Gawain started, "Tell us of you and Vanora." This seemed to catch Tristan and Dagonet's attention for they quickly snapped their heads in the direction of Gawain and Bors, ready to listen intently.

Bors blushed, "Oh, I don't know. I was maybe going to ask, you know, for her hand."

"It's about time after all those children," said Galahad in a sagely voice.

"Oh, don't you know?" Tristan asked, "The children aren't his."

"Is this true?" Gawain asked Bors.

"Well, I'm a sensitive man, you see," Bors answered almost proudly, "A man of principles. I'm saving myself for marriage."

The knights snickered. "Then whose children are they?" asked Dagonet. At this question, Lancelot smirked and cantered up next to Arthur.

"Oh," remarked Gawain, laughing.

The caravan arrived presently at the gate of the great wall, but found it to be closed. Arthur looked up at a Roman guard who was stationed atop of the wall and called out to them, "Who goes there?"

Arthur answered slightly confused, "It is I, Arthur Castus from this very wall on which you are stationed! Future king of the Britons, future defeater of the Saxons, and future Sovereign of all England!"

"What? How do you know all that?" asked Lancelot, perplexed, but Arthur ignored him.

"Those are knights!" exclaimed the Roman guard.

"What?" asked Arthur.

"You've got a bunch of knights and they're sitting on horses behind you," the Roman guard answered.

"So?" asked Arthur, "We have just ridden from a battle with the woads escorting this caravan…"

"Where'd you get the knights?" asked the Roman guard.

"From Sarmatia," Arthur answered.

"From Sarmatia!" exclaimed the Roman guard, "How did you get them here?"

"Excuse me?" was Arthur's answer.

"Well they couldn't have gotten here all by themselves. Are you suggesting that Sarmatians migrate? Perhaps that hawk carried them here," hypothesized the Roman guard, gesturing towards the hawk that sat perched on Tristan's arm.

"That's ridiculous," scoffed Arthur.

"Well not if it's an African hawk," said the Roman guard, "They're quite strong, you know."

"Will you just open the gate?" asked Arthur, growing irritated.

"Fine, fine," replied the guard, "but I tell you it's just a simple question of weight ratios."

"Whatever!" cried Arthur.

Having finally been permitted through the gates of the great wall, Arthur and the knights congregated around what historians possibly agree was a round table and awaited the Bishop.

"Ah! Gwate naheets!" exclaimed Germarnus as he entered, "Yowah coowage hahs been tehstehd beeyahnd aw wimmits, baht Ay mwahst awsk yoo to weeve now."

"Weave what? Tapestries?" Galahad asked, almost enthusiastically.

"When do we get our discharge papers?" asked Gawain, twirling one of his curly locks between his fingers.

The Bishop, however, looked slightly agitated and gestured for the knights leave, which they did, graciously not making me have to write further dialogue concerning the matter.

"Yowah naheets," continued Germarnus to Arthur after the knights had left the room, "weel nawt weseeve deyar deeschawahge pehpers ahnteel dhey hawve wescued Ahlecto, thah Pope's favowitt gwawd chayuld, fwum thah Swacksons."

"Bishop," spoke Arthur, "I honestly have no idea what you are saying, but I have a feeling I'm supposed to be mad at you now, so here is my angry face and I will now storm out of the room."

After exiting the meeting with the cunning linguist Germarnus, the knights headed off to the tavern. Galahad and Gawain decided to put on a show of manliness for the others in the tavern by engaging in a knife throwing contest. Each aimed for and hit the leg of a chair that had been set upright atop a table as a target. Tristan wanted to give it a shot as well and approached from behind, knife in hand. Unfortunately, he tripped over Gawain's chair just as he released his knife which consequently landed in the thigh of a nearby Roman soldier. Tristan's face went white, and he quickly ducked back into the shadows as the Roman soldier screamed profanities, pulling out the dagger that had embedded itself in his leg.

"So," Dagonet said, seating himself next to Bors, "Where is Vanora?"

Bors nodded his head in Vanora's direction.

"You gonna ask her, then?" asked Dagonet, grinning. Bors blushed, and Dagonet nudged him over in Vanora's direction. Bors approached her and spoke, "Vanora…"

"Yes?" she replied.

"I was uhhh…I was wondering if you would…uhhh…" he almost spat the question out, but his cowardly nature overcame him. "If you would sing for us?" he improvised.

"Oh no," groaned Galahad.

"He didn't," muttered Gawain.

Vanora proudly strode to the middle of the tavern and began to sing rather off key, "Land of bear and land of eagle. Land that gave us birth and blessing. We will go home across the mountains…"

"She sounds like a sick cow," commented Dagonet.

"Oh sweet heavens make it stop," complained Gawain.

Suddenly, another more angelic voice accompanied by soft, soulful music drowned out Vanora's.

"Thank heavens for the soundtrack!" sighed Galahad, relieved.

When the song had finally ended and the knights had managed to restrain themselves from gouging out their ear drums with rusty forks, they spotted Arthur entering the tavern. "Arthur!" they called to him.

"My brave and rather inebriated knights," Arthur began, "We have a final mission which is to go save a Roman boy and his family from the Saxon army that is planning to invade Britain. I am sorry, but you will not receive your discharge papers until we return with the boy and his family safely."

The knights stared at him placidly. "Alright then," said Galahad.

"Sure," replied Gawain.

"Sounds good," said Lancelot.

"I'm frightened of Saxons," Tristan whispered meekly, but Dagonet swatted him over the side of the head.

"I'll prepare," Dagonet said to Arthur.

"Well…" Arthur said, slightly surprised, "Alright then. We leave at first light."

Arthur left the tavern and went to the stables where he began speaking to a certain man unseen. "Oh Antoine, I am in such need of your mercy now," Arthur began, "Not for the plot, but for the characters for I fear some of them might die and---"

"Why do always talk to the director and not to me?" interrupted Lancelot, entering the stables, "Oh talk to whoever this Antoine is and hope he doesn't make us cross the Saxons."

"Antoine is the one who protects the plot, Lancelot, why do you question this?" asked Arthur.

"I suck at memorizing lines," said Lancelot, "but that is beside the point because I will have a sex scene, of that I am certain, but hopefully a sex scene with your wife for that is how the legend must---"

"And yet you choose celibacy for me!" yelled Arthur.

"No! I choose for you to have a sex scene too! And we will be part of the most famous love triangle of all time!" answered Lancelot.

"If it is Antoine's will," Arthur said soberly, and Lancelot rolled his eyes.