Skipping an unnecessary and boring stable scene involving Germarnus and the knights and a minor character Horton who pretty much vanishes from our story at this point anyway, we move on to the knights' dramatic exit from Hadrian's wall. Gallantly they rode off to the backdrop of the Irish, I mean, British natural scenery and into the woods. As is apt in these kinds of scenes, a tempestuous storm had begun brooding as the knights galloped through the forest. Their horses zigzagged between the trees as the knights ducked their heads beneath the branches. Well, I should say most of the knights ducked their heads for poor inattentive Arthur rode his face smack into a swinging tree branch, falling off of his horse and rolling down on the ground through the mud. "I'm alright!" he called to the knights, standing up and dusting himself off.

"Woads," said Tristan nervously, "They're tracking us. I don't want to die!"

"We're not going to die," assured Lancelot, but just then an arrow broke through the trees and soared past the group of knights.

"Run!" cried Arthur, mounting his horse and leading his knights down the path. The woads followed, however, in hot pursuit, until they finally had the knights cornered. The woads surrounded the knights with their arrows poised when suddenly a horn began to play in the distance.

"Is that Saturday Night Fever?" asked Gawain, a music connoisseur. The knights looked around and saw that the woads had put down their weapons and were dancing to the sound of the horn in the distance, the horn that was apparently playing a rather famous, but rather historically inappropriate BeeGees song.

"You know," noted Galahad, "They look kind of friendly when they're like this. Not at all frightening."

"Well they still frighten me," said Tristan who was sitting defensively upon his horse and shaking in fear.

"Merlin doesn't want us dead," Arthur remarked.

"What? Did Antoine tell you that?" Lancelot asked sarcastically.

"No," replied Arthur, "Really I'm just speculating."

And now it is that time in the story again to return to the Big Hairy Men called Saxons. I shall not digress too deeply into this subplot of the story for as I said previously their only real purpose is to be big and hairy and evil, but I suppose I should mention that these Saxons had formulated a plot to use the Roman boy Alecto for ransom. They were told of Alecto and his family's whereabouts by a British traitor who bore a striking resemblance to Sapes from Harry Potter. No, really, I'm serious.

Arthur and his knights arrived at the estate of Marius, Alecto's father, and were greeted by yet another daft Roman guard at the gate. "Who are you?" asked the Roman guard.

"I am Arthur Castus," answered Arthur.

"State your business," said the Roman guard.

"We want to see the Wizard—I mean---we wish to save Alecto and his family from the invading Saxons," answered Arthur.

"Ooooh! The boy with the head that's too small for his body? Why nobody ever sees him! I've never even seen him," the Roman guard said.

"Then how do you know that his head is too small for his body? Oh nevermind! We're wasting time!" Arthur said, irritated.

"Well give me one good reason why you should see him," said the Roman guard.

"We were sent by Bishop Germarnus," Arthur replied. He paused for a minute and then added rather embarrassed, "I'm also wearing ruby slippers."

"Oh," said the Roman guard, "Well bust my buttons. Why didn't you say so in the first place? That's a horse of a different color! Come on in."

"I just love your shoes," Galahad commented to Arthur as they rode through the gate.

"It's true," added Gawain, "but then again Galahad likes anything that sparkles." Arthur simply rolled his eyes.

Arthur and the knights entered the estate and noticed a rather rotund man bumbling towards them who, for the brevity of dialogue's sake, I will simply tell you is Marius. "What is the meaning of this?" he asked.

"We're here to evacuate you and your family," Arthur answered.

"Well I refuse to leave," Marius said defiantly.

"Too bad," Arthur replied, "Which is Alecto?"

"I am Alecto," came a voice from above.

"Pay no attention to the man up on the wall!" spoke Marius.

"Gather your belongings we are leaving," Arthur said and turned to Marius's wife, "Lady, my knights are hungry." After she left, Arthur turned to Dagonet. "And by 'my knights' I mean me," he said, "I wonder which way is to the kitchen." Arthur scanned his perimeter noticing a group of Roman soldiers walling up a building. "I bet that's it!" Arthur said, "Look at them! They think they can keep me out of the kitchen. Well, we'll just see about that."

"Umm…Arthur…" Dagonet interjected, "I don't think that's the---"

"Come along, Dagonet!" called Arthur, "I suspect we shall be needing your ax."

Arthur approached the soldiers waving sword unnamed in their faces. "Move!" he grunted. Dagonet picked up his ax and plowed through the stones, finding a locked door.

"Ah ha!" Arthur exclaimed, "The kitchen!"

"It is locked," said one of the soldiers, "From the inside."

"Bloody hell!" cried Arthur, "I'm hungry! Dagonet…"

Dagonet kicked the door open and followed Arthur down into what appeared to be a dungeon. "Ummm, Arthur," Dagonet spoke, "I really don't think this is the kitchen."

"Well of course not," replied Arthur, "but this is the way to the kitchen. I am sure of it."

"Alright then…" Dagonet said hesitantly.

Arthur followed a flight of stairs down to find rotting corpses left in dungeon cells and two monks murmuring, "In Nomine Antoine Fuqua, Jerry Bruckheimer…"

"Are you the chefs?" asked Arthur, "Because I'd like to talk to you about what is called sanitary eating and---" Just then Arthur noticed a woad sitting alive in one of the cells. He peered in at the woad and said, "Hello there. You look like you are in search for the kitchen as well. You are the skinniest twig of a person I have ever seen." The woad simply stared back at him in shock, so Arthur unsheathed sword unnamed and freed the woad from the cell. Just then Lancelot came down the stairs and asked, "What is going on?"

"We're looking for the kitchen," Arthur replied.

"It is the will of Antoine that you find these pagans being tortured in the dungeon," explained one of the monks to Lancelot who drew his sword and ran it through the monk.

"He's not my director!" yelled Lancelot.

Dagonet's voice was suddenly heard from the corner, "Arthur!" Dagonet pulled out a young boy and sat him down. "You must not fear me," Dagonet said to the boy. The boy, however, took one look at the large man in front of him and took off screaming out of the dungeon.

"Well that went over well," remarked Lancelot.

Arthur carried the woad out of the dungeon and laid the woad on the ground. Tristan took one look and ran off into the forest screaming, "A woad! Ahh! Don't let it kill me!"

"Water," Arthur said, "Bring me some water." One of the villagers ran over to him bringing a sack filled with water. "Thank you," Arthur replied to him, taking the sack and gulping down the water for himself.

Marius approached Arthur and spoke furiously, "These people are pagans! They must be sacrificed! You will be punished for this heresy!"
"Perhaps I shall kill you now and seal my fate," Arthur yelled back, "You and your ridiculous phantom kitchens!"

One of the villagers spoke up, "It is we who provide the food for the estate, sir."

"Ah!" said Arthur, "Well in that case then you shall come with us."

Tristan rode back from the forest still looking rather frightened. "Saxons are approaching and the woads are dancing again," he said, "We must hurry."

"What do you mean?" asked Arthur.

"Do you not hear the drums?" Tristan replied.

"Oh, I do!" interjected Gawain, "and I swear that's Saturday Night Fever."