Snow had begun to fall as Arthur and his knights led the caravan of people from Marius's estate down a path to the south? No, to the east. So we are leading them to the south, then? No, we are leading them east through the mountains. Alright, so Arthur and his knights were leading the people south through the mountains---NO. TO THE EAST.---and hoping to avoid the Saxons in the process. Arthur decided to check on the woad and the young boy who were being tended to by Dagonet in one of the wagons. He found the young boy sitting in the corner coated in ashes and quickly learned that Dagonet had accidentily set the young lad on fire.

"He burns," spoke Dagonet, "Brave boy." Arthur raised an eyebrow and moved to attend to the woad who was towards the back of the wagon. Dagonet pulled him aside. "Arthur," he began, "We're umm…well, we're not exactly sure if the woad is a boy or a girl."

"Excuse me?" Arthur responded.

"Well, she, if it's a girl, doesn't have any---you know---and its voice is---" Dagonet tried to explain, "Oh you just see for yourself." Dagonet then exited the wagon, giving Arthur his privacy. Arthur approached "it" and examined its hands. It, however, seemed rather frightened of him.

"Parlay?" spoke its deep voice. 'Wow,' thought Arthur, 'It really does sound like a man.'

"I'm sorry?" Arthur responded.

"Pirates code," it replied, "You must take me to see your captain."

Arthur was slightly confused, but answered, "I am the---captain, the leader really, of the knights at Hadrian's wall."

"Ah," it said, "The famous half-Briton who kills his own people who attack and try to kill him first, making them the not-so-famous or historically accurate people who kill their own half-people and making you the famous half Briton who kills his own not-so-famous or historically accurate people who try kill their own half-people."

"Well when you put it like that," replied Arthur, "Anyways, some of your fingers are out of place and I have to push them back."

Dagonet and Tristan sat outside the wagon with their ears pressed against the entrance trying to hear every word of what was going on. They could only hear hushed murmurs, however, over Galahad and Gawain's antics.

"Will you two be quiet?" asked Dagonet, irritated.

"Yeah," added Tristan, "We're missing all the juicy stuff!"

"Now you see, Gawain," Galahad said to his comrade, "I told you the ivy growing on Marius's wall would look absolutely wonderful in your hair with your complexion."

"Well, I had my doubts," Gawain answered, "It's not exactly floral, but there is something rather exotic about it."

The knights were silenced by sudden cracks and snaps from inside the wagon followed by a groan-like scream and heavy breathing.

"Well," giggled Dagonet, "They seem to be getting on quite well." Arthur exited the wagon to find the knights outside smirking at him.

"Some of her—or---his fingers were out of place," Arthur said, "I had to push them back."

"A likely story," teased Galahad.

We must now briefly digress back to the Saxon camp where Large Long-haired Saxon Father found it much easier to comprehend that the knights were headed east through the mountains. They had found Marius's estate empty besides the two monks who disclosed to them that Arthur was taking the family back to Hadrian's wall. "Arthur?" asked Large Long-haired Saxon Father's son, "Who is this Arthur?"

"He's the famous half Briton who kills his own not-so-famous or historically accurate people who try kill their own half-people," answered the Sapes-look-alike traitor.

"Cut off their retreat," Large Long-haired Saxon Father ordered Large Long-haired Saxon Father's son, "but first let us burn this village and walk single-file through it as burning debris falls upon us."

The caravan of knights, Romans, village people, Arthur, and a gender ambiguous woad rode quickly down the path through the mountains. Arthur once again approached the woad who was sitting at the entrance of the moving wagon.

"How many Britons have you killed?" it asked in its masculine voice.

"As many as have tried to kill me," answered Arthur, "It's the natural state of any man to want to live."
"Animals live," it replied heatedly, "It's the natural state of any man to want to live free in his own country."

"Listen, la---person," Arthur retorted, but paused and thought for a moment, "You know much of the state of….man?" It only gave him a confused look in return, so Arthur rode off, allowing Lancelot to engage it in conversation.

"Hello," greeted Lancelot, "My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next."

"Don't listen to him," called Bors from afar, "That's Lancelot."

"I see," it said, "Well, Lancelot or Maximus or whoever you are, it sounds like you fight for what we fight for: our land, our freedom…"

"Really?" asked Lancelot.

"No," it responded, "but that's supposed to be my next line."

"Oh," said Lancelot, "Well don't lecture me, Obi-Wan. I see through the lies of the woads. I do not fear the southern side of Hadrian's wall as you do."

"Huh?" the woad responded.

"For the last time!" called out Bors again, "You're not Anakin Skywalker!"

In every "wandering through the forest" story where a character, regardless of gender ambiguity, is being portrayed by a hot young female star, there must be the seductive bathing scene. The following, my dear audience, is my attempt at the seductive bathing scene.

"Ok," said Dagonet to Marius's wife who was headed with bath supplies to help the woad, "When you're in there, will you, you know, take a peek?"

Appalled at such a request, Marius's wife slapped Dagonet across the face and stormed off. "No, no!" Dagonet called after her, "You misunderstand! We just want to know if it's a man or a woman! Oh bloody hell!"

Marius's wife bathed the woad behind transparent curtains, which I suppose could not be adequately described as curtains seeing as they did not fulfill the purpose of curtains, but alas I digress. The knights congregated around Lancelot who was standing against a tree watching the bathing ritual.

"Ten gold coins it's a woman," Bors offered.

"What would you know of women?" snorted Galahad.

"He certainly seems to take more of an interest in them than you do," teased Tristan.

"It has long hair," explained Bors.

"Does that make me a woman?" Gawain asked.

Bors merely had to point to the ivy that was delicately braided into Gawains hair for all the knights to start chuckling.

Lancelot, clearly irritated by all the knights standing around watching the woad bathe, said suddenly, "Are you not entertained? Are you not entertained? Is this not why you are here?"

"Lancelot," said Dagonet, "You're not Russel Crowe." The woad then emerged from the bathing area in a long blue dress and wrapped in a red cloak.

"Ha!" Bors whispered to the others, "I told you! See! It's wearing a dress."

"Have you not seen the Romans?" asked Gawain, "They all wear dresses."

The knights all scurried away as the woad approached Lancelot. "What was your home like?" it asked.

"Well, if there's a grand center of Europe, this was the country the farthest from. It was sandy," Lancelot replied, now channeling his Skywalker roots, "And I hate sand. It's rough and course and irritating. And it gets everywhere."

"That sounds a lot like freedom," the woad said.

"Huh?" replied Lancelot.