Arthur sat with his back against a tree, wrapping himself in his cloak to keep warm. He noticed something moving amidst the trees and saw it to be the woad who had introduced itself as Guinevere. Arthur stood up excitedly and spoke, "Hide and seek! I love hide and seek! Olly olly oxen free!" Arthur took off into the forest chasing after the woad who stopped abruptly and appropriately in a patch of mist, adding to the mysterious elements of the scene. Guinevere looked at Arthur. Arthur gazed at Guinevere. Guinevere continued to look at Arthur, and Arthur continued to gaze at Guinevere. Finally Arthur spoke, "Can we go back to playing hide and seek? I suck at the staring game." Arthur, however, was interrupted by a mysterious figure advancing from the trees.
"I am Merlin," greeted the newcomer, "a dark magician some say or at least some were supposed to say if this negligent narrator hadn't cut my earlier scene." (You must forgive Merlin, my dear audience, for he appears to be slightly bitter with me for just now introducing him to the story.)
"You betrayed me!" shouted Arthur at Guinevere.
"He means you no harm," answered Guinevere.
"Peace be between us on this night Arthur Castus," Merlin said.
"I want none of your vegetables!" cried Arthur.
"No, Arthur," Guinevere said, "Peace, not peas."
"Arthur," spoke Merlin again, "The Saxons have come to Britain and have proven themselves to be both big and hairy. They are also generally malicious. I say we team up and get rid of them. What do you say?"
"No! I hate you!" Arthur shouted, "You killed my mother!"
"No," replied Merlin, "I am your mother."
"That's not true!" Arthur cried, "That's impossible!"
"Search your feelings," Merlin said, "you know it to---oh who am I kidding---you're right, it's impossible, but seriously, I think we should become allies."
"Whatever," said Arthur, "We are riding south through the mountains right now, and I have no time for these shenanigans."
"Umm, actually, Arthur," interjected Guinevere, "we're riding east."
I beseech that your gracious audience-ness will forgive my relating of the following events slightly differently than was Antoine's vision. The following morning, Tristan awoke early and meandered about the camp site. He stumbled over what he found to be a Saxon armor piercing. "How interesting," he mused as he picked up the weapon and examined it. In what was perhaps not one of his brightest moments, Tristan began playing with the trigger, accidentally releasing an arrow through the air that managed to embed itself directly into the heart of Marius himself. As Tristan's luck would have it, however, Marius had been holding the young boy Lucan by the throat with a knife and Tristan's arrow had saved the boy. Lucan ran over to Tristan and gave him a big hug. Dagonet scowled at Tristan in jealousy. "Oh sure," Dagonet remarked, "Of course he likes you." Just then, Guinevere darted out from the woods with a bow and arrow in hand. She dispatched an arrow directly into the chest of Marius who was already lying on the ground dead.
"Nice shot!" said Arthur to Guinevere.
"Your hands seem to be better," mused Lancelot, "Perhaps later we will kill some more Romans for you to shoot."
"Do we have a problem here?" called Bors riding towards the uncooperative Roman soldiers.
"Bors!" called Arthur, "There you are! You must have found one hell of a hiding place!"
"I'm sorry?" replied Bors, confused.
"In hide and go seek, silly!" Arthur said as though Bors were the crazy one.
"Oh…" said Bors, "Right…"
Arthur then turned his attention to the Roman soldiers. "You have a choice," he said, "You help or---Actually, I lied, you don't have a choice. Now, drop your weapons."
The Romans dropped their weapons and the caravan continued to head south, I mean, east through the mountains. Arthur approached young Alecto, whose head really was too small for his body.
"I'm sorry for your loss," said Arthur solemnly.
"My father lost his way," Alecto replied.
"Yes, well," Arthur said, "the path that goes south through the mountains has many turns and it is easy to get lost."
"I thought we were headed east?" asked Alecto.
"Well, yes," Arthur said, "Anyways, we will soon be headed to Rome where I will meet again with my bestest friend ever Pelagious and we will do laundry together and take bubble baths and never be parted again ever! You should come meet him. He has a large nose and a receding hairline and, unlike you, his head is actually too big for his body."
"They killed Pelagious," said Alecto.
"Bloody hell!" exclaimed Arthur, "Well then why the hell would I want to travel all the way east to Rome?"
"Actually," Alecto said, "Rome is more south than east…"
"Yes, yes! I know!" answered Arthur, agitated.
The caravan soon came upon a frozen lake, which would be the great debate of many fans over many of the following years as to why a path would lead directly into a lake, but alas I digress. The knights all agreed that they must cross the frozen lake, directing all the villagers to exit the wagons and spread out.
"You know," said Galahad with a twinkle in his eye, "Ice brings out a certain grace in me."
"Oh goody!" squealed Gawain, anticipating what was to come. Galahad stripped of his armor in a swift, flamboyant movement revealing a spandex costume fully decked out in sparkling sequins.
"I told you," Gawain remarked, "Galahad loves anything that sparkles." Galahad then took off down the ice gliding, spinning, and twirling.
"Night fever! Night fever!" sang Gawain, "We know how to do it!" Galahad skated to Gawain's singing, showing off with a triple axle. Suddenly, the knights realized that Gawain was being accompanied by percussion from off in the distance.
"Saxons!" spoke Lancelot.
"They're not behind me, are they?" asked Tristan nervously, "I hate looking over my shoulder."
"Knights…" began Arthur, hoping they would anticipate his following question.
"What?" asked Bors. Alas, the knights did not anticipate his following question.
"I believe it is the will of Antoine that we fight these Saxons," Arthur explained.
"Here? Now?" whined Dagonet, "I don't wanna."
"I haven't finished my routine yet!" Galahad chimed in.
"My ass hurts," complained Bors.
"Well," Arthur said, "Too bad because we are going to fight them now."
"Umm, Arthur," interjected Gawain, "Tristan fainted."
"Already?" replied Arthur, "Bloody hell!"
"You're eight against two hundred!" gasped Ganis, one of the villagers.
"What are you? Taking roll?" asked Arthur.
"Nine," interrupted Guinevere, "You could use another bow."
"Another boy? Ha! I told you it's male!" said Gawain.
"Another bow," corrected Arthur.
"I want to fight too!" said Ganis.
"No," spoke Arthur, "You need to lead the other people to safety, mostly because you're too ugly to warrant more screen time."
Ganis led the rest of the caravan across the ice to the other side of the lake and into the woods. The knights, Arthur, and Guinevere stood in a line with their arrows poised as the Saxons led by Large Long-haired Saxon Father's Bald son made their way onto the ice.
"There are a lot of lonely men out there, Galahad," said Gawain.
Galahad put a comforting hand on Gawain's shoulder, "Don't worry, I won't let them rape you."
The Saxons halted their march towards the line of knights, and their archers took aim.
"Ummm, Arthur," said Guinevere, "the Saxons are about to shoot at us. Shouldn't we---"
"Don't worry," Arthur answered, "They're far out of range."
Just then an arrow clipped past Arthur's neck. "Bloody hell!" he screamed, pressing his hand against his scraped neck and wincing. The knights were clearly outnumbered, though I doubt that you, my sagacious audience, are too terribly concerned that the Saxons will be victorious. Dagonet, however, was very concerned and decided that it was his destiny to sacrifice himself for the sake of his fellow comrades. Dagonet grabbed his ax, let out a battle cry, and ran towards the middle of the frozen lake and the Saxons.
"Dag!" screamed Bors.
The Saxons, seeing a rather large man bolting towards them, quickly sounded their retreat, leaving Dagonet standing in the middle of the lake by himself staring in disbelief. Arthur ran over to his side. "Wait a second," he said, "This isn't supposed to happen! By Antoine, you're supposed to---"
Just then, Dagonet shifted his weight and crashed through the ice, sinking beneath it.
"Ah," said Arthur, "There we go."
A faint cackling laugh could be heard from the woods behind the knights. The knights turned and glared at what revealed itself to be Lucan giggling heartily at poor Dagonet's fate.