Well here it is, the final chapter. Thanks so much to all who reviewed! I hope you have enjoyed reading this because I have certainly enjoyed writing it.
Large Long-haired Saxon Father's Bald Son returned with his troops to the main Saxon camp where Large Long-haired Saxon Father awaited him. "My twoops and I failed you, father," apologized Large Long-haired Saxon Father's Bald Son, "I offer my life for my disgrace."
"No, my son," replied Large Long-haired Saxon Father, "But wait a minute, you have some mascara running down your face."
"What?" asked Large Long-haired Saxon Father's Bald Son. Large Long-haired Saxon Father picked up a knife and cut it across Large Long-haired Saxon Father's Bald Son's cheek just below the eye.
"Oops," said Large Long-haired Saxon Father, "Anyways, you are a failure, so I am putting the Hagrid-look-alike here in charge of your troops."
"Wow," Large Long-haired Saxon Father's Bald Son commented, "He really does look like Hagrid."
When the knights returned to Hadrian's wall they were greeted by Bishop Germarnus. "Awgehnst awll awds Gawd cood mustah!" rejoiced Germarnus, "Ahlehcto! Yowah awive!" Germarnus leaned towards Alecto to embrace him in a hug, but Alecto quickly backed away. "I will not be your wife!" Alecto exclaimed, then turned to Arthur, "That's what he said, right?"
"I honestly haven't a clue," Arthur answered.
"Ahnd now," continued Germarnus, "Yowah naheets weel receeve deyar deeschawage pehpars!" Germarnus opened a box containing scrolls for each of the knights. The knights each took a scroll.
"Hey look!" exclaimed Lancelot, grinning profusely after he had opened his scroll, "Porn!" The other knights quickly opened their own scrolls and began studying the contents intently.
"Ummm," stuttered Germarnus blushing, "I-I mahst haf bwought thah wrawng bawks."
"Hey wait," said Bors examining his scroll, "This looks like some kind of demented cow."
"You're holding it upside down, idiot," answered Gawain.
Night had fallen and so had Arthur as he tripped over a chair as he made his way through his room to his bed. "Who the hell put that there?" muttered Arthur. Arthur sat down on the bed and sighed. He suddenly looked down beside him, however, and saw Bishop Germarnus glaring up at him. "Awthah Cahstahs!" shouted the Bishop, "Geht owut of my woom!"
"This is my room!" Arthur shouted back.
"Yoo gehve it to me," Germarnus reminded him.
"Oh bloody hell!" exclaimed Arthur, leaving the room and finding a vacant one down the hall. Arthur once again sat down on the bed, but was soon interrupted by Guinevere entering the room with a rather seductive look on her face.
She approached him and spoke, "What tomorrow brings, we cannot know."
"Oh, I already know," said Arthur, "See, it is the will of Antoine that---"
"Well in that case," Guinevere replied, annoyed, "You should know that this is the almost-sex scene. Now shut up!"
'I really hope this turns out to be a girl,' Arthur thought to himself. Arthur and Guinevere were soon interrupted by a knock on the door.
"Arthur! Come to the wall now!" spoke the voice from outside.
"I'm coming! I mean—" Arthur corrected, realizing his poor choice in words, "I'll be right there!"
Arthur climbed the stairs to the top of the wall where Lancelot stood waiting. "Saxons," Lancelot said, motioning towards the army that was camped outside the wall.
"Bloody hell!" exclaimed Arthur.
"I have an idea," Lancelot said, "See, we build a big wooden horse and we all hide inside it and then---"
"Lancelot, first of all," spoke Arthur, "This isn't Troy. Second of all, we'd have to be on the OTHER side of the wall for that to work."
"Oh," replied Lancelot.
"Knights," said Arthur decisively as he turned to the other knights, "My journey with you must end here." The knights frowned. "Oh and by the way," Arthur added with a grin, "The woad is totally a girl." Arthur then descended the stairs followed closely behind by Lancelot.
"Arthur!" called Lancelot, "For our friendship's sake, I beg you! Why did you get a sex scene and I did not?"
"An almost sex scene," Arthur corrected, "And I am sorry Lancelot, but I have discovered it is not Antoine's will that you have a sex scene."
"No, I am sure you are wrong," Lancelot replied, "I may not be Brad Pitt or Anakin Skywalker or Russel Crowe, but if I am Lancelot, I will have a sex scene."
"I'm sorry, Lancelot," answered Arthur and walked away.
Arthur sat in full armor atop his horse on a hill overlooking the Saxon army. "You know," Arthur mused to himself, "I look rather nice in this eyeliner. It really brings out my eyes."
The knights looked up at Arthur on the hill as they followed the Roman caravans from the wall, hoping to journey home to Sarmatia. Out of respect, Bors broke from the line and called out to Arthur, "Maaaaaarcooooo!"
"Poooooolooooo!" cried Arthur in return, smiling at the memory of such games.
For brevity's sake, my dear audience, I will simply explain to you that the knights decided to stay and fight with Arthur against the Saxons. This chain of events ended in a heart-warming scene of camaraderie and an epic battle speech. The knights discovered they were to be aided in battle by the woads with whom Arthur had allied himself. The knights noticed Guinevere standing at the edge of the forest covered in war paint.
"Are you sure it's a girl?" asked Galahad.
"Seriously," added Gawain, "Even Galahad here is more well endowed than that…"
"Yeah? And how did you discover that?" teased Lancelot.
Arthur rode outside the gates to meet Large Long-haired Saxon Father. "Arthur," greeted Large Long-haired Saxon Father, "No matter where I go on this wretched island, I hear your name."
"I came to see your face, Saxon!" replied Arthur, "So that we may avoid the plot-hole of my engaging you in battle having never met you and therefore not knowing that you are Large Long-haired Saxon Father, the villain of this movie."
"Ah, finally," Large Long-haired Saxon Father said, "A man who has read the script."
The knights and the woads engaged the Saxons in battle and I hope your gracious audience-ness will forgive my skipping to the important parts of the battle. Tristan blundered about the battlefield aimlessly, hoping to avoid having to fight for as long as possible. Finally, Tristan decided that at some point he should engage one of the Saxons in battle and actually help out a little. Tristan noticed a rather large Saxon with long blond hair and thought to himself, "Well, he looks harmless enough." Tristan approached who you the sagacious audience would recognize as Large Long-haired Saxon Father. Galahad had also spotted Large Long-haired Saxon Father, however, and rode towards him. "Hey!" called Galahad, "I just thought you should know that your hair is absolutely lovely. Maybe after the battle I could---"
"Galahad!" called out Gawain with a betrayed look on his face.
"Must go!" said Galahad, riding back over to Gawain's side.
Large Long-haired Saxon Father turned his attention back to Tristanas thousands of fan-girls everywhere cried out in terror. Tristan stood waiting for Large Long-haired Saxon Father to make the first move. Suddenly, Arthur came galloping upon his valiant steed, brandishing sword unnamed and trampled right over poor Tristan who fell to the ground dead from the impact.
"The Saxon is mine!" growled Arthur at Large Long-haired Saxon Father, not noticing Tristan's fall.
Meanwhile, Lancelot intervened in a fight between Guinevere and Large Long-haired Saxon Father's Bald Son, which surely would have ended in Guinevere's death.
"My name is Inigo Montoya," said Lancelot to Large Long-haired Saxon Father's Bald Son, "You killed my father. Prepare to die."
"Lancelot!" called Bors from afar, "This isn't The Princess Bride!"
Lancelot ignored Bors and began fighting with Large Long-haired Saxon Father's Bald Son. Lancelot became distracted, however, long enough for Large Long-haired Saxon Father's Bald Son to pick up a cross-bow and shoot Lancelot directly in the chest.
"Whoa," said Lancelot placidly.
"You're not Keanu Reeves either!" called Bors again, not realizing Lancelot's fate.
"Wait a second," Lancelot said looking down at the arrow lodged in his chest, "This isn't supposed to happen! What the hell is going on! I don't know who this Antoine fellow is, but he clearly knows nothing of Arthurian legends! I'm not supposed to die! Not…yet anyway. Oh bloody hell!" Lancelot picked up his sword and threw it into the abdomen of Large Long-haired Saxon Father's Bald Son. Lancelot then fell to the ground and died, never getting his own sex scene.
It is perhaps unnecessary that I divulge to you the sagacious audience that Arthur fulfilled his plot requirements by killing Large Long-haired Saxon Father and uniting Britain in the common cause of freedom, so we may now move on to the grand finale wedding scene. Arthur and Guinevere stood before Merlin in a ceremony to join them in matrimony. Merlin handed them a cup filled with wine and spoke something in his native tongue. Guinevere drank from the cup and then handed it to Arthur who also drank.
"What did he say?" Arthur asked Guinevere.
"He said he spiked it," Guinevere answered.
"What? How do you spike an alcoholic drink?" asked Arthur, suddenly feeling a bit unsteady on his feet. He then took sword unnamed and pointed it to the sky, "Hey look at those pink elephants flying around up there!" Guinevere joined her hand with Arthur's at the base of sword unnamed, and a group of woad archers shot flaming arrows off the cliff in celebration. "Hey!" Arthur screamed running towards them, "Stop trying to kill my pink elephants!"
"Galahad," said Gawain solemnly, turning to Galahad, "There's something I need to tell you."
"Yes?" asked Galahad.
"Well," Gawain said, "Antoine offered me a contract and, well, I'm going to be doing a sequel."
"What?" responded Galahad in shock. Just then a knight dressed fully in green armor approached the wedding congregation. "Would anyone like to engage in a game of beheading?" asked the green knight.
As was Antoine's vision, we shall end our story with my telling you of the fates of the fallen knights. I ask that your gracious audience-ness at this time imagine three valiant horses running across an open field, for historians possibly might maybe agree that legend has it that great knights return as horses. "And as for the knights who gave their lives," spoke Lancelot the horse, "Their fates were cause for neither mourning nor sadness. For Tristan was offered a role as Mr. Ed, Dagonet starred with Viggo Mortessen in Hidalgo, and I, well, you may know me best as Seabiscuit."