I was lying in bed; awake, when my alarm clock started beeping. I turned it off without looking at it. I never seemed to sleep anymore. I never seemed to eat anymore. I would get up, and dress, and grab something from the kitchen so Mom would think I was eating. I would pretend to be sleepy so she would think I was sleeping.

So, this morning, I got up and dressed in my rainbow shirt that said, "love" on it and a pair of blue jeans. I slipped on my shoes and ran a brush through the hair that had been washed at four o'clock in the morning. I put on the foundation that hid the circles under my eyes and the lip gloss that made my lips look normal, instead of pale and faded, and, grabbing my messenger bag, headed upstairs to the kitchen.

I yawned a rehearsed yawn as I topped the steps and mumbled a good morning to Mom. Baby Jack was in his height chair, playing in applesauce. Snake sat at the table, fiddling with CD-ROMs in his laptop. Mom was at the stove, probably fixing breakfast for Snake and me.

"I have to meet Manny to go over some things for the pep rally," I lied, kissing Mom on the cheek, "so I can't stay. I love you. I'll be home around 5."

"Are you sure you don't have time to eat something?" Mom asked, before I could leave the kitchen.

"I'm sure. Manny's bringing muffins," I said with a faked, award-winning smile.

"Okay. Be careful, and good luck with the pep rally."

"Yeah," I said, as I mumbled 'hello' and 'goodbye' to Snake.

My life seemed so rehearsed. So theatrical. Not like real life. Not like the real life that had killed Rick, or paralyzed Jimmy, or finally broke through Sean's 'tough guy' masquerade. My life was 'perfect.'

The newspapers that said there were one death and two injuries were wrong. There were two deaths. I had died. Emma 'save the trees' had died and Emma 'blowjob whore' had been born.

An orange car slowed to my side as I walked down the street. I knew it was Jay. I didn't want anything to do with him, and yet, I had to literally fight off the urge to get into his car and make us both feel better before school.

"You know…I liked how you had virtue, or whatever," Jay had said to me.

"No. I don't have any of that," had been my hallow, almost lifeless, reply.

He had just looked at me. He hadn't said anything.

"Do you want a ride?" Jay asked from his car.

I looked over. He was the only one in the car. "Shouldn't you be asking if I want to give you a ride?" I asked offhandedly.

"You were into the blowjobs just as much as I was, Emma," Jay said.

"But nobody is calling you names because of it."

"So what?" Jay asked, pulling his sunglasses down. "Stop caring about what they think."

I looked at him with that distant, empty look in my eyes.

"Get in the car, Emma," he said.

I walked over to his door and opened it, climbing in. I shut the door and stared straight ahead. How I had acted, going down on him like that had been stupid. I had gotten a disease. I had been criticized publicly for it. But I missed it. Those nights at the ravine, just Jay and me. I missed them. It had been fun. God, what is wrong with me? I thought. Can anything stop me?

"I'm sorry," Jay said, breaking in to my thoughts. "I'm sorry for what I did to you."

I looked at him. "It doesn't matter," I told him. "Nothing matters."

Authors Note: I'm trying to figure out where I'm going with this, so if it's a little boring now, I promise it won't be. Please Read and Review. I hope the characters are OOC, but if they are let me know please.