"Miss Suave?" I asked, knocking on the door to her office. "Could you give me a note to go to science class? I kind of spaced out in Miss Kwan's class and she wouldn't give me a note, so she made me come down here," I explained. "Kind of stupid, huh?"
"Actually, I was just about to call you down here, have a seat, Emma," Miss Suave said, motioning to a chair.
"I can't right now, I really need to get to class."
"It won't take long," she said. "I promise."
I sat down reluctantly. "What's going on?"
"A couple of people are concerned about you. I heard that you aren't acting like yourself, and you haven't been for quite some time?"
"People change, Miss Suave, that's all there is to it. Sometimes life sucks and it changes you. That's all that's happened with me."
"Well, there's nothing wrong with changing, as long as you can answer these questions about yourself now."
"What questions?"
"Are you happy with whom you've become?" she asked.
I hesitated. No, my head screamed. No, I hate myself! I feel like I am screaming and nobody hears me! I want to die. "Yes," I said after waiting much too long.
She nodded, but she didn't believe me. "Is it healthy? Are you hurting yourself in any way?"
"No…I mean, yes its healthy and no I'm not hurting myself."
"Then, until you're willing to talk, there's no point in forcing you to talk to me." She scribbled a note and handed it to me.
"Thanks," I took the paper and walked quickly to the door.
"And Emma," she said.
I stopped and turned, "yeah?"
"I hear you," she said. "And when you're ready to talk I will listen."
I wanted to say something. I wanted to stop right there and start crying. I wanted to tell her that it was my fault Rick was dead, I had rejected him and that had been the last straw, and that I should be dead because if Sean hadn't been there Rick would have killed me. But I couldn't. I kept walking instead.
"It's your fault I'm like this," Rick said, pointing the gun at me. "You rejected me. Why did you lead me on?"
"Rick…" I tried to say something, anything, to make him put the gun down.
"I loved you! I thought you loved me!"
"Rick…stop…"
"It's over Emma. Your life is over…right now."
A gunshot rang through the air.
I sat straight up in bed. Another nightmare. The same nightmare. The same horrible, horrible nightmare.
I got out of bed and put my clothes on. I climbed out my window and started walking. I didn't know where I was going, or what I would do. I looked down at my wristwatch. It was two in the morning.
I came to a stop. I was at the Ravine. I could see Jay sitting on the picnic table.
"Is this seat taken?" I had asked him.
He had smiled gently at me. "It is now."
I sat next to him.
I walked over to him. "Hey," I managed to squeak out of my throat.
"Hey," he said.
I couldn't think of anything else to say.
"I'm glad you came. I've wanted to talk to you. I've needed you," he said.
I sat next to him. "Why?"
"Because, you get me Cause Girl."
"I'm not Cause Girl anymore," I told him. "Now I'm Blowjob Whore."
He touched my face. "You're not."
Our eyes met. He was serious. "Did it…mean anything to you?"I asked slowly.
"It meant the world to me."