I looked up at Jay and I kissed him. We made our way to the van parked in the yard, kissing and feeling each other. The whole time my head was screaming, "Don't do this, Emma, you'll regret it. He's bad for you, this isn't right. You had morals once. Emma, stop." But I ignored my inner voice. I told it to shut up, not to bother me. I didn't think about what I was doing. I didn't stop to wonder if I wanted to give Jay my virginity. I didn't ask him to use protection, or to stop.

He was on top of me, our bodies moving together in slow motion. If it had been a television show, there would have been a slow saxophone playing, and there would have been candles and silk or satin sheets. Instead there were blankets that smelled like the sex of a dozen other couples, only the light from the bonfire lit the van and it did that just barely, the loud screaming music from the radio filled the small area and something was digging into my back as he moved my body back and forth with his. It wasn't until he was done that I realized I had just lost my virginity.

I walked back to the house and crawled through my bedroom window. The old Emma would have felt guilty; she would have cried and felt used. The old Emma never would have had sex with Jay in the back of a van at the Ravine. But the new Emma felt nothing. I felt nothing. No remorse, no guilt, no shame. Shouldn't I feel guilty? Shouldn't I be ashamed?

I showered and scrubbed my body. I didn't understand why I was scrubbing so hard. My skin was raw. I didn't want to stop scrubbing until I was clean. But the strange thing was that I didn't even feel dirty.

School was a blur of classes and bells, crowded students and high school melodrama that I really didn't want to take part in today.

I was zoned out for most of the day, trying so hard to pay attention, but not being able to. I felt Jay's eyes on me in the hallway, and at lunch. I wanted to talk to him, but Alex hung on his arm the whole time. I hadn't thought about Alex when last night happened, I turned away from them, a sick feeling rising in my stomach.

It was just a one night stand, I told myself. It didn't mean anything to either of us. The part that hurt was that I knew it was the truth.

Even though Jay had a girlfriend, and even though he had ignored me today and even though I was kind of mad for him letting me act the way I had last night, I found myself going to the Ravine that night.

He sat at the same picnic table as before. This time a beer was in his hand and a cigarette hung from his lips. I walked up to him and pulled the cigarette from his lips and took a drag.

The cancer tasted good, surprisingly. "Got another one of those for me?" I asked Jay, tilting my head the innocent way he liked and pointing to the bottle of beer in his hand.

He reached behind him and handed me one. "Here you go, Earth Girl," he said.

I twisted the top off of the bottle and discarded it on the ground. "Does that look like something Earth Girl would do?"

He kissed me quickly and then pulled away. "About last night…."

"Let's not talk about last night,"

He nodded.

"I just want to forget about everything. Can you help me?" I batted my eyelashes.

"I have this," he said, holding a joint up to my face.

I looked at it. Marijuana was illegal, except for medicinal purposes. But underage drinking and smoking were illegal too. So was getting somebody killed. "You willing to share?"

He lit the joint up and took a hit. Then he passed it to me. Before I knew what was happening, I was getting wasted and high.

I made too much noise going back into my room at 4 that morning, but I was glad my parents were heavy sleepers.

"Where the hell have you been?" My mothers' voice asked from behind me.

She scared me and I turned quickly to face her. "I…uh…Manny called my cell. She needed to talk so I went over to her house."

She shook her head at me. "Emma, are you drunk?"

"No," I said, laughing a little too much.

"You are," Her voice was angry and concerned. "You know you're not supposed to drink. Why did you poison your body that way, Emma?"

"I didn't…I'm just really tired, can I go to sleep now?"

"No we need to talk about this. Haven't you learned anything from us?"

I rolled my eyes. "Of course I have."

"Emma, you haven't been eating or sleeping. Did you think I wouldn't notice? You're my daughter, of course I noticed. Miss Suave called me; she said she's had complaints about your participation at school. You could fail, Emma, you're throwing your future away. If you don't stop this behavior, Emma, I'll…"

"You'll what? You'll ground me?" I laughed. "Puh-leeze,"

She looked at me. "You need help, Emma, Starting tomorrow, you're going to counseling."

Authors Note: There, a nice long one for you. I've decided to take a different direction with this story. But it's going to be a surprise, so just lay back and enjoy the angst. Lol. As always, read and review with what you liked about this chapter and what you didn't.