My basement room was dark, lit only by the lamp in the corner. I lay propped up in my bed under the covers. It was the morning after I'd found out about the miscarriage

The basement door opened and Mom came down the steps. "How do you feel?" She asked. She had a large coffee cup in her hand. She looked worried and stressed. She probably hadn't slept the night before. "I brought you some tea," she said, handing the cup to me. "Its chamomile."

"Thanks," I said after taking a sip of the hot tea. "I'm so tired."

"You should sleep," she told me. "Snake talked to the school. Ms. Hatzilikos said you could take the rest of the week off without it counting against your absenteeism. And he's picking up your assignments."

"Thanks," I said.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked. "Was the baby Jays?"

"Yeah, the baby was Jays. I was so stupid. I don't know what I was thinking.'

"Its okay, honey. Everybody makes mistakes. By mistake, I mean having unprotected sex, I'm not calling the baby a mistake."

"I know. Are you mad at me?"

"No, honey, I'm not mad at you." She sat next to me on the bed. "I just wish you would talk to me."

"I don't know what to say," I said quietly. "I mean, the shooting…it messed me up. I don't know why it did. I helped cause it. I bullied Rick when he came back. I helped start the hatred that drove him to bringing that gun to school. I was his friend. And he had a crush on me…I rejected him. He was going to kill me. He actually wanted to kill me."

She put her hand on my shoulder. "But it wasn't your fault. Emma, you didn't bring that gun to school and put it in his hand. He chose to do that. As tragic as it is, that was his choice. I'm not diminishing the fact that the hell he went through at school drove him to that decision. But, honey, everybody drove him to it. Spinner, Jimmy, Paige, JT, even Jay. That doesn't mean that it is their fault. So it isn't yours either."

I'd heard all of it before. That it was nobody's fault, that it was Rick who chose to do that. But for the first time, its like I actually listened. And I believed her. "You're right," I told her.

She smiled. "You'll be okay," she told me. She kissed me on the forehead. "Take a nap, okay?" She turned the lamp off on her way out.

I was asleep within minutes.

"Honey, you have a visitor," Mom said to me. "Do you want me to ask her to come back?"

I sat up and looked at my alarm clock. It was 4:00. "No, its okay," I said, rubbing my eyes.

She left and Ellie came downstairs. "I like your room," she said, looking around.

"It's okay."

"You didn't come to school or the group meeting yesterday, so I was worried."

"I'm okay," I told her. "I'm just taking a little bit of a break."

"It's a good idea," she said. "Can I ask what happened?"

"Nothing really," I said. "I just fell down the stairs." I added quietly; "and I lost the baby."

"I'm so sorry. I didn't realize you were pregnant."

"Neither did I. But I'm okay. It's better this way, you know? I'm young."

She nodded. "The sad part is that you're right."

"When is the group meeting?"

"There's one next Wednesday. Are you going to be there?"

"Probably. I wont be back to school until Monday."

"I'll come back by and see you, then," she said. "Oh, and I brought you this," she reached into her messenger bag and pulled out a package.

"You didn't have to bring me anything," I told her.

"It's okay, I wanted to."

I opened it. It was a book called Catalyst, by Laura Halse Anderson. "Thank you," I said.

"No problem. I read the back and I thought about you."

"That's really sweet."

"I'll come see you tomorrow. I'm sorry I woke you up."

"It's okay."

I slept again after Ellie left. I felt like I hadn't slept in months, and sleeping felt so good.