When I woke up, Jay was standing above me. It scared me at first, because I didn't realize it was him.
"What are you doing here?" I asked. I sat up and rubbed my eyes.
"I wanted to see you," he said. "I heard…about the baby."
"Who told you?" I asked.
"Your mom."
I nodded. "I'm sorry I lost your baby." I couldn't think of anything else to say. I didn't feel like crying. I didn't feel like being so upset and miserable again. I anted to survive this. I needed to survive this.
"It wasn't your fault," he said.
Just like that, I was crying. I didn't want to cry. I didn't want him to see me like this—so torn up about the baby we never could have raised. The baby we were never meant to have.
"Emma," he said, coming to my side. He sat on the edge of my bed. "It wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't even know, did you?"
I shook my head 'no'. "I didn't."
He put his hand on my back to comfort me. He didn't know how to comfort me without sex. "Emma, please, don't do this to yourself. You deserve to be happy."
"I know," I said. "I know."
"Is there anything I can do?"
"No," I said. "But thanks, I just need to be alone right now."
"I understand," he said. "You know where to find me when you get better."
I nodded. "I'm sorry. I just…I can't talk right now. I'm not very good company."
"It's okay." He started to walk away, and then he stopped at the steps and turned. "Emma," he said.
"Yes?" I asked, looking up at him, embarrassed by my tear stained face and my red nose and puffy eyes.
"I love you."