Rebuilding the Trust

Summary: Lyra and Will were searching for his father and Lyra reflects back on her journey to get this far and her growing relationship with her friend. She wonders about the price that finding Will's father would mean for the two of them.

It seemed like only yesterday that Lyra was sat collapsed on a rock, inside a damp cave grieving for her best friend Roger. Even now, she could remember the deep feeling of loss and despondency which had wreaked through her heart. The feeling had continued to follow her around endlessly. She missed him so much even now. From the moment her father Asriel had killed her friend, she had felt as if she was on a mission to understand what lay behind her father's motive. The meaning of dust. She and Pan had set off through the newly revealed doorway and landed into a completely different world, from her own. In that journey she had come across other people, who were just as damaged as she was, for very similar reasons.

She turned her head, as Will made a sudden movement beside her. She watched him closely as he slowly came too. His bandaged hand looked sore and runny again, which made Lyra sigh deeply. She would have given anything, for him to get some peace from the injury. The spell that Serafina and the other witches had performed, had only given him brief respite. Once again, she remembered the conversation with Serafina about returning to their own land, so they could get some more natural plants. But of course, Will was on his own mission to find his father and she felt honour bound to back him, in that quest at least for now.

As she waited for him to wake up properly, she remembered the inauspicious start to their relationship after they first met. She had become spooked when she discovered he did not have a daemon. In her terror she had walked away. But he had followed her and within minutes had found a common ground, in being two young people in a strange land both searching for something. In the months which had followed, their relationship had continued to grow and all the trust which had been betrayed by others, had at last begun to develop in one another.

"Will, did you manage to sleep?" she asked him, watching him stretch.

"A little bit, every now and then." He replied, trying to put on a brave smile.

Lyra by now could read him quite well, she could sense his pain, she could also see the tiredness around his bruised eyes, making them look red and puffy. His suffering reminded her of her own mistake, which directly contributed to her friend losing his two fingers. Like Roger before, her mistake had caused a friend to suffer. She closed her eyes in despair. At times she felt almost cursed, the more she tried to find the answers, fresh problems seemed to follow every decision chosen. If she hadn't gone into Will's Oxford alone that day, she would never had lost the alethiometer.

"What's the matter Lyra?" Will asked, looking across at her now fully awake.

"I was just thinking back to that day I lost the alethiometer, if I had acted differently, you wouldn't have lost your fingers. You wouldn't be in so much pain now. I just wish- "

Will didn't let her finish the sentence. "It doesn't matter. It was fated that I went to the tower. The knife would still have chosen me, but just in some other way. You have to stop blaming yourself Lyra."

"I just wish you could get some respite from your hand."

"It's not as bad as it was," Will shrugged. "Will you look at the alethiometer again for me?"

Lyra shifted into her bag, and opened it. She looked at Will, who was staring at it as if wishing that he could understand and read it too. They both followed the dials going around until they came to a stop.

"It's just saying to continue up the mountain," Lyra said. "Are you sure you are up to this Will?"

Will tried to smile, though it looked more like a grimace to Lyra.

"I will be fine. If we walk it will take my mind off it anyway. Please Lyra, we have to continue on, I feel like my father is so close now."

"I know it's important to you," Lyra said, gently touching his shoulder. "But sometimes it looks as though it's too much for you."

For a second, Lyra could see his face cloud over as if she was saying the very thing, he was fearing the most. But in a moment the look of anguish had disappeared and he was back to the Will she had grown to admire so much.

"We have to go on Lyra, I will be fine let's go and find my dad."

Lyra could see his mind was made up and for all the world she longed for him to get his dearest wish.

"What will you say to him when we find him?" she asked, hoping desperately that his father was different to her own.

"I won't give him an easy time of it,"

Behind the longing in his eyes, she could see a flash of anger. She suddenly understood this wasn't just about his longing to see his father, but also the need to ask why he had stayed away from his mother and him.

Lyra remembered the time when she had found out about her father and mother. Why were grown-ups so untrustworthy she wondered? When was it that they departed away from telling the truth and being honest? Or were they always like this? She knew herself how easy getting into a habit of lying became. Maybe people were just made that way she reasoned. But one look at Will told her that was wrong. She couldn't ever imagine Will lying to those he cared most for. This was someone who had cared for his mother and been prepared to battle through life, with few friends. It was a high price he had paid for his devotion to her.

"Come on, let's go and find your father." She helped him up and for a moment they were standing very close together, making Lyra feel almost giddy.

Why did she feel this way she wondered, hoping Will hadn't noticed. If he had he made no comment and soon they were on their way again. She wondered what would happen when they met, would this be the end of her and Will's time together? All of a sudden, a cold dread swept over her, she realised she couldn't imagine her life without him. Yet surely that is what would happen she thought glumly.

"What's the matter?" Will asked, looking back at her, "you looked so sad then,"

Lyra hesitated for a moment. In one way she wanted to be honest, didn't he deserve that? But it was too selfish, so she put on a brave smile instead.

"It's nothing, I am just thinking about how wonderful it would be when you have found him."

Will gave her a long look, with an expression which she couldn't quite read. Had she just imagined that he too had briefly looked unsure? She quickly dismissed it. You are better than that! She grimaced as she remembered the time her father had used that line to her. Suddenly she was back to thinking about Roger. The journey had started from that moment and by the time Will and his father were back together, who knew what it would mean for her? Would she still be searching for the meaning of dust? On her own? She remembered what Pan had said in the snow that terrible night she had nursed her dead friend. "We've always been alone," But she didn't want to be alone now, she thought to herself. But what was the alternative? Whatever it meant she knew she would have to put on a brave face for now. She had promised Will to do everything she could to help find his father. She wasn't going to back out now, whatever that meant for them afterwards.

Will stopped, waiting for her to catch him up. As she moved close to him, he gave her a little smile which instantly chased the gloom away she was feeling. She owed him this, she told herself and right now that was the only thing which mattered to her.