I do not own Yami no Matsuei.

Cry No More

Pain.

Hurt.

Failure.

" Tzusuki, stay for me. Don't leave me alone... I don't want to be alone anymore...please..." Sobs drenched my white yukata as Hisoka's hand clenched tightly on the cloth, not letting go for one instant, so afraid that I would disappear if he did not anchor me to reality.

"But I'm so tired..." My answer came in a whisper as soft as the wind, broken, but loud enough for the younger boy's ears and he looked at me shocked, a hint of betrayal in that beautiful emerald eyes. It seemed to me that demons were not allowed to live, life has given up on me long before I realised that my time was up.

Looking up from the ground, I faced Hisoka, his tears eating away at my resolve, maybe I could try once again. Was it possible? The fire was raging more fiercely now, Touda was afraid I'd change my mind. He always did what I wanted him to do, nothing more nothing less. The loyal servant.

I looked down at the forlorn green eyes beseeching me to live, pleading desperately for me to value life more.

" Hisoka..."

In the end, I made up my mind to live.

I opened my eyes to find myself back in the hospital, resting, my body healed with Tatsumi sitting by the bedside. I thanked him, comforted him that day, not wanting another person to carry the burden of thinking that he failed me. I acted the last few acts of mine and people thought that I was back. Tzusuki, whom they had nearly lost was back. However, broken dolls no matter how fixed they are will never be the same again. Something in me had changed, I do not seek death as much as I had in the past and looking back on myself, I could not help but to smirk at my own weakness, my own denial. It was utterly a waste of effort, the utmost waste of pure energy. By trying to fight myself, to try to rebuild what I have destroyed, to save what could not be saved, to repent for what I have sinned.

I did not understand then, the reason why I could not fit in no matter how hard I tried, nobody wanted to accept me, I wanted so much to be human, but I am not. I wanted to be the person who protected, but I could not. I wanted so much but was denied twice as much. But, now, I understand my destiny, and it is not my destiny to be one with the light. Now it merely seems so funny that I tried so hard to be what I was not meant to be. It came through so many hard teachings, and now I, the dense student, finally understand, finally realize, power does not belong with the good where there are so many restraints, so many "do not's".

For to be with the good guys, there were too many sacrifices, I did not think that I could keep up with the pain, the regret, the guilt. There were just too many to take care of, they come one after another, leaving me panting for breath, exhasuted, bone tired. I expect no thanks, no gratitude, I split myself into two trying to be what people expected me to be-- the sweet, rather reckless and clumsy Tsuzuki while I hid the real me from people, not wanting them to be afraid of the destructive ability that I could release. The darkness that I hid behind those violet eyes.

People fear the unknown. And I was the unknown. Too jaded to care anymore, it was time to change my point of view.

Muraki's actions though unforgivable in the past now seemed justificable, however unfair that sounded. I understand better now and am not as quick to judge, some times people need to do bad to prevent themselves from doing worst. He manipulated people, he killed, he lied but the anger against him has dissipated. I do not blame Muraki anymore, I understand what it felt, I do not agree to his way of showing his dissatisfaction, but I understand. To have tried so hard, but was repaid by something else, driven by people around him to madness.

I have not turned evil, merely accepted the fact that it seems so much easier to be on the side where my conscience does not question my every move, to be able to do something, anything, if I just wished to. It was just a change of opinions, of stands. To just do what I wanted, when I wanted, and how I wanted.

It was pure unadulterated fun.

And so now, I have left them, my friends, the Shinigami, I want to spare them the remorse of me becoming what I am now, they will always blame themselves over the loss of the friend that they had known and grown to love, for I cannot be that lovable person anymore-- it hurts too much to laugh and I do not have enough energy to pretend. They would think that they have not tried hard enough to save me, to rescue the lost soul that has given up on itself.

Especially Hisoka.

I cannot turn back now, I have to journey now on my own. I will always look after them from afar but will never be with them, I would be a hypocrite to continue what I had been doing, judging the damned when I myself am one of the damned. Without passion, everything is just empty words, empty promises. It was not fair for those who truly needed help. Maybe someday I would go back but right now, its not time.

I have found my niche. Looking afar, concentrating on protecting those who had protected me when I needed it without thinking about anything else. No distractions, only pure efficiency in destroying those who dared to cross my path. The powers that has been a bane of my existence in the past, has become a blessing.Those who hurt the ones that I treasure would suffer. This is a promise I made with my soul. For now, that is enough, enough to stay alive.

This is my choice to cry no more.

Author's note : Just another random short one shot of mine, conflicting emotions are spread everywhere.