AN-

hello all. first things first--this is only part of chapter 6. this chapter turned out to be just way too long to post all at once, so i decided to break them up into 2 parts. i'm posting them both the same day, but this way it wont look so overwhelming, hopefully. so if you wanna read the whole thing at once, it's there, if not, i won't be updating tomorrow 'cause i haven't started the next chapter yet, so you still have something to read.

Widening the Gap

It's like being sucker-punched.

That's exactly what Roy's impromptu run-in with his first lieutenant was, to be honest—a sucker punch to the heart. He certainly had not been expecting it.

As he'd first left the bar with his date, he'd noted that the rain had picked up again and asked if he could share her umbrella. She'd taken that to mean that he wanted to 'get closer' to her, with the result of her fastening herself to his arm and refusing to let go. Roy'd suggested taking a short-cut through the park so he could detach his arm from her death-grip quicker. He'd been so busy charming the girl that he hadn't really looked to see if anyone else was around. He knew Hawkeye would have yelled at him for that, but to his line of thinking, who would be out in such bad weather? Of course, Riza would probably just have informed him that poor conditions made for an even greater chance of attack, but….he wasn't really focusing too clearly at the moment.

"Oooh, Roy, it's so nasty out!" The blond gripped his arm even tighter, jerking the umbrella so that it covered all of her, but left Roy with half his body sticking out. "I just hate it when it pours like this, plus my dress will be absolutely ruined! Let's go back to the bar."

Roy gritted his teeth, but managed to keep his voice relaxed.

"C'mon, baby, you know the bar'll be closed by the time we get there. Besides, don't you wanna see my place?" His date giggled shrilly for the hundredth time that night.

Roy picked up the pace, or at least tried to; the girl wasn't making it any easier on him. She was wearing these open-toed sandals with deadly-looking high heels. They made her at least another five or six inches taller. Noticing how she kept wincing and complaining about the water sloshing in though the toes, Roy asked her testily why she was wearing sandals on a night like this. She looked at him, confused.

"'Cause they're in style, duh. I remember, I got this pair in…" and she was off, going on and on about her stupid shoes. Roy struggled to keep it together. He couldn't help but think of Riza, and how she never wasted time or money on trivial things like this. He also never had to worry about zoning out during their conversations--when Riza Hawkeye spoke, you knew it was about something important. God, what he wouldn't do right now for just one conversation that was actually interesting…

Between trying to stay awake and trying to look like he cared about famous Amsterian shoe designers, Roy heard a dog barking close by and idly mused that it sounded a lot like Black Hayate, Riza's dog. It never even crossed his mind that it might actually be Black Hayate!

Until, that is, they turned a corner and he saw Riza standing there staring back at him.

Roy stopped in his tracks, nearly causing his date to topple over.

"Ugh! Royyy, what are you doing?!"

He gave no indication that he'd even heard her. He was too busy staring at Riza in shock. Considering how bored he was, and how close he and Riza were, his first instinct was to run over and hug her with relief—but then, of course, all that had happened before came flooding back, and he didn't move. Ignoring the still-complaining girl next to him, he just stood there….and stared.

Riza looked back at him, resting an umbrella against her side. It looked as though she'd given up the battle to stay dry. Her hair was plastered to the back of her head in a limp version of her usual bun, and her long skirt was wrapped around her legs. Daring to move his eyes down from her face a little, Roy became all too aware that her shirt was just as wet, and sticking just as revealingly in some very…interesting places. Not that he was complaining. Water-logged or not, Roy still thought she looked beautiful….he was beginning to suspect that nothing could ever make her look less then perfect in his eyes.

"C-Colonel?" Riza was the first to get over her surprise. "Why are you out here in weather like this…?"

Roy blinked. "I…I could ask you the same question, Lieutenant."

Riza made a half-hearted gesture at a clump of bushes next to her. "I was trying to extract my dog from…." She paused, a strange, oddly detached look coming into her eyes. "You shouldn't be out in this bad weather, sir. It's cold, and you could get injured or sick….or at the very least your date might not enjoy herself." Roy couldn't help but wince when he heard the harsh way she pronounced 'date'.

"Y-Yeah, you're right as always, Hawkeye." He noticed as her eyes drifted from him, over to the grumpy blond next to him, and he made some feeble introductions. "Ah, this is my first lieutenant, Riza Hawkeye…um…" When neither girl said anything, he barreled on. "And Riz- I mean, Lieutenant Hawkeye, this is—"

"I'm Roy's girlfriend," she interrupted him, holding out her hand with a sugary smile. He could see Riza swallow hard at that--it was obvious she had to force herself to shake the other's hand.

"Well, I don't know about that, it's not like we're dating—" he began indignantly, but his 'girlfriend' just talked right over him.

"So, you're the Riza my little Roy-Roy works with…" Her lips curled upwards in a nasty little sneer. She didn't seem to be too impressed with Riza, and she also seemed more then pleased that she'd stumbled upon her and Roy. "Roy told me oh so much about you, you know, I really wanted to see you in person."

"Did he," Riza replied calmly. Roy had to hand it to her, even in a situation like this, the girl kept her cool. "I'm flattered."

His date blinked; Roy could tell Riza's cold-as-ice demeanor - and it was really cold right now! - was seriously unnerving her. "Y-Yes, we talked soo much about you. It must be great to work with him, he is such a sweetie-pie!"

Oh lord…Roy buried his head in his hands with a sweat drop. Was it just him, or was Riza trying not to snicker?

"Yes, working with the colonel certainly keeps one busy," she was saying, her lips twinging ever-so-slightly. It was such a faint gesture that his date didn't even notice, but Roy sure as hell did.

I don't believe this…she's laughing at me!"

His date didn't find anything amusing about the situation. "Well, I'm just lucky you two didn't decide to fall in love!"

She laughed. She was the only one who did.

"Of course, I'm sure you have someone else in your life, it's not like you ever had a chance with my Roy." Roy felt a fresh wave of guilt smash into him. Riza stood with her head down, hiding her expression, but Roy saw how she clenched her fists, and how her shoulders sank a bit.

"After all, a famous alchemist like Roy Mustang deserves perfection, right? And, no offense, honey, but you don't look very perfect right now." The ditz giggled again, proud of the cunning way in which she'd stuck at her supposed-rival. Roy opened his mouth angrily, but Riza didn't need his help.

"No, it's true, I'm afraid, the rain's wrecked havoc on my appearance right now," she replied, still calm. The ice in her voice, however, was beginning to be singed by flames of anger, Roy could tell. "However, I'm hardly the only one left in this condition." She smiled primly as the other girl's expression changed from smugness to anger to confusion.

"And what's that supposed to mean!" the date demanded, color rising in her face.

"Nothing at all. Except that if I were you, I'd readjust myself. You're falling out of that dress. Isn't it a shame," she continued as if she didn't see the girl flush darkly with embarrassment, or Roy bite his hand to keep from laughing aloud, "what chaos v-necked dresses can cause? That's why I always try and avoid them, personally."

"I'm sure you do," the date snapped, and grabbed the umbrella from Roy, stomping behind a tree to 'fix herself.' Roy looked over at Riza, unable to keep the admiration out of his voice, not caring- or noticing, for that matter- that he was getting rained on.

"Wow, that was harsh, Lieutenant. But I gotta admit she deserved it—"

Riza interrupted him, her voice no less cold and unforgiving then it had been with his 'girlfriend'. "Excuse me, sir, but shouldn't you be helping your date right now?"

Roy sighed and looked away. No need to ask her if she's pissed, he thought ruefully. But still, he really wanted to set things right between them again…

"Hey, c'mon, Hawkeye, is it such a crime if I wanna talk to you for a second?" He meant it to be a friendly jest, but Riza's eyes flashed with anger none the less.

"It is when you're already with someone!" she snarled at him, and he was surprised to hear how mad she sounded. He looked up at her, and nearly had a heart attack- were those tears in her eyes?

Yes, he realized, his heart sinking, those were angry and frustrated tears. Her amber eyes burned with despair, drilling a hole right through him. He hesitated, trying to think of some way--any way--to fix this. Because he had to fix this. He didn't want to have to look at those eyes again if they were going to look like that, he wouldn't be able to bear it. He was tired of being uncomfortable around her…he was tired of not being able to cross over the wall that had sprouted up between them seemingly out of nowhere. She was the one who helped him feel less guilty, damn it--this was all horribly wrong!

"Look, Hawkeye," he began, running a hand through his dripping hair, "I'm, uh, sorry my date's being such a bitch. You know how it is, she's kinda drunk and all, so…"

"You don't have to apologize for her, Colonel. I don't care. You have the right to date whomever you want, after all." The words came out so bitter, so scornful….Roy felt his insides squirm again. Oh, god, he couldn't take this, he couldn't stand having her mad at him…

"No, really, Lieutenant, she had no right to treat you like that. I promise that if she tries it again, I'll—"

"Don't!!"

Roy stared at her, shocked into silence.

"Don't say what you don't mean, Colonel." Her voice was shaking with anger. "I don't need you to protect me. I never have."

It was like someone had taken a knife and plunged it into his heart, and was now slowly, cruelly twisting it, carving out a chunk of flesh as payment. "Hey, I never said you did." Easy, easy, she's upset. Just calm her down and then you can talk… "Look, Hawkeye," he began again, making sure to keep his voice gentle, "I'm sorry that I've upset you like this. You really don't deserve it, and—"

"Don't pity me, Colonel." A low, flat, hiss. "I don't want your pity."

"I'm not pitying you, I'm just saying…"

"It's none of my business, and I have no right to be mad at you for making the choice that you did. So you don't have to apologize…" She glared at him. "Why lie about it!"

"Listen, Hawkeye," and now his own temper was beginning to rage; he couldn't control it even though he knew it would only make things worse. "I think I know my own damn feelings! I would hope I have at least somewhat of a clue!"

"Fine!" she snapped back, "Then if you'll excuse me, I'd like to go dry off. Hayate!" she barked, and the dog came right out. He was more afraid of Riza then the thunder when she used that tone of voice.

Damn it, damn it!!

Roy clenched his fists as she started to walk away, his thoughts racing crazily. The only one who understood him, the only one he didn't think he could survive without…the girl who had kept him alive during Ishbal, the girl he still needed to keep going now…the girl that he longed for with a kind of desperate desire…that girl was walking away from him. He felt disjointed, unhinged, a mad rush of frantic and violent rage overpowered him…damn it, he needed her! He needed that bullet to the head every now and then! He needed that gentle understanding! Maybe he didn't deserve the peace of mind she brought him, but he needed it all the same! He didn't want to face the demons that plagued him without Riza Hawkeye by his side…he was too afraid to face them all alone…

She can't just leave…! he thought wildly. She has to listen to me!! I have to make her understand!

He chased after her. "Lieutenant Hawkeye, stop!" And sure enough, she did, even though it was clear she had to force herself to stop moving. But she did wait for him…Riza couldn't disobey a direct order from her commanding officer, no matter what. Roy caught up with her, determined to fix things, fix everything, even if he had to bow down and beg. "Alright, look, Hawkeye, it's pretty damn obvious that things between us—"

"I'm sorry, sir," she interjected quietly. He stopped, taken aback. "I had no right to raise my voice to you. I apologize for my transgressions." Her voice, though still sad, no longer sounded so furious, and Roy wondered hopefully—stupidly—if everything between them was ok again. But…

"Your date is waiting for you, sir."

"Let her wait," he answered impatiently. Who cared about that bimbo? There were more important things to worry about right now…

"With all due respect, sir, she doesn't seem very happy."

"I don't care."

"Sir…" Riza's reproachful glance wilted him.

"Ok," he said wearily, "ok, I'll go back. But….it's just…Riz—Hawkeye, I really….I mean…I just have to…." He took a deep breath, steadying himself. "I…I lo—"

"Colonel," she said softly, and the raw, ragged pain in her voice was so intense he wanted to scream. How could he have wounded her so deeply? He almost couldn't bring himself to look her in the eyes, and when he did, he instantly wished he hadn't…he couldn't quite bring himself to believe, though he fervently wanted to, that it was just the rain making her face so wet…

"Please don't say anything you don't mean just to make me feel better."

"I'm not! I mean…I don't…"

"Your date is waiting, sir. You should go back to her."

And then his temper broke. "God damn it!"

He knew he was making a mistake even as he yelled. Everything that made him who he was screamed at him to stop; every fiber in his being slumped at the shocked look that appeared on her face. But the stress, the longing, the hopelessness…all combined to spur on an ocean of guilt so deep he couldn't see the bottem. He was drowning, drowning….and this time, there was no one there to plunge in and save him….and this time, the surface lingered forever out of reach…

And on top of it all, the damn rain just wouldn't stop falling…it trickled everywhere, pounding on his head, soaking into his clothing, reminding him with every drip, fool, fool, murdering fool. He couldn't take the blackness that was rapidly destroying the world around him…he couldn't deal with the angry accusations of the rain…

"Damn it," he shouted, "Who's the goddamn colonel here!"

Then he sagged a bit and looked at her. His anger crumpled in on itself as he saw the devastated look on her face. Instantly, he wanted to take it all back, take everything he'd ever said and done back. His mind whirled, and a dark voice inside of him sneered, heh, look at what you've done now. Chalk it up to another victory for Roy Mustang! Such a fine fellow, that murderous bastard!

This time he really couldn't look her in the eye. Oh, shit, he was such a useless idiot…

"Dammit….Hawkeye, I'm sorr—"

She didn't let him finish. "Yes sir. I apologize for overstepping my boundaries and making you upset, sir," she said in the dullest of monotones.

No! he wanted to beg, don't just take it! Yell at me! Call me every bad name there is! Take out that gun of yours and shoot me!! Go ahead, I deserve it! Damn it! But of course she didn't. She simply stood there, and he had to watch as the fire in her eyes burned lower and lower…

How could I have hurt her like this…? What kind of monster…?

"Roy!" His date yelled from behind him, sounding pissed. "Let's go! You can talk to your subordinate later!"

He looked at Riza, pleadingly, but the look on her face didn't change. Damn, he'd rather see her crying, see her yelling….anything but what she looked like now, that dead look on her face was eating through him like cancer…

"Permission to leave, sir?"

Roy stared at her, horrified. When was the last time she'd asked him for something as demeaning as that…? Had he really destroyed their relationship so completely…?

It looked like he had.

The knife in his heart was twisting again, his soul felt slippery with blood-stained anguish. She was still looking at him, so sad and so beautiful…so achingly beautiful…the words were on the tip of his tongue…but, no, he didn't deserve her. He managed to inflict pain on everyone he got too close to, and he wouldn't allow himself to hurt her again…

She was looking at him, waiting for him to release her. Well, he thought grimly, I can at least do that much.

"Y-Yes, Lieutenant…you can go. You know you don't need to ask…"

"Of course I do, sir," she informed him quietly. "You're my commanding officer, after all." Her words bit deep into him, more knife wounds that bled fury. He watched helplessly, miserably, as she turned and walked away. That was all they were now, when it boiled down to it…a subordinate and her superior officer. A superior officer and his subordinate. He'd hoped for romance and now he didn't even have friendship. He was unavoidably, brutally, alone. The knowledge that she was as unhappy as he was didn't help any, either. And in the midst of all this, he noticed how she wrapped her arms around herself for warmth, how she'd been shivering in the rain….how he'd done nothing to help her….nope, he was Roy Mustang, Hero of Ishbal, god forbid he do something decent for a change. The rain drops hitting him burned like acid…he could feel them wearing him away, bit by broken bit.

He looked up at the drab and mournful sky and knew that he didn't have to fear hell any longer….he was already there.

--

EDIT 6/12/06-- fiddled some with this chapter; mostly around the opening line. not much i could do (besides rewrite the whole dang chapter) to fix the ooc...i never realized how...OFF my first attempts at roy/riza were.