AN- tracycoder-- hm, it doesnt look like the link came through. me thinks thats another annoying quirk this site has, along with EATING my damn exclamation points...:grumblegrumble:
rexbandit- ooo yes, e-mail me the pics pleeze! (email's in my profile, of course.) thanks!
shizu-chan--fanart, i suppose, if only 'cause i havent yet seen the last few episodes, and i dont want to ruin any more of the ep for myself! thanks a bunch for the review!
floOfymikO-- whoo, it was SO great actually talking to you the other day!
unexpection-- i think...i spelled it right this time :gasp: lol, please dont take offense, i have actually spelled my own name wrong on many an occasion ;;. oh, and by the way, i was reading your latest fic, (which i need to remind myself to review) and just happened to see the A/N at the bottom, and...how to put this...HOLY CRAP THANKS SO MUCH! was NOT expecting to see free advertisment, lol!
ARGH. from now on, when i say how many chapters i have left, ignore me. yes, i split this chapter up AGAIN-- it hit me when i opened the file today that the ending was good the way it was. jeeze, last chapter was 10 pages, this chapter is 10 pages, next chapter will be at least 10 pages easily...if i hadnt split this, it woulda been a 30 page chapter! ;;. wow. now that's talent (lol hi melissa!)
is that it? i think thats it. o wait, one more thing----R. E. V. I. E. W. ! c'mon guys, drop me a review or forty? constructive crit. is more then welcome. i am not above begging...keh heh heh.
Common Desire
…Because some things can't be denied forever.
Roy stretched slightly, as much as his injured body would allow. He knew he should probably say something, but why break the silence? Nearly five minutes had gone by, and still they sat, clutching at the other's hand as if the world would end if they let go.
And maybe it would.
But…but, Roy reminded himself, they were not together, no matter how much he might wish they were. And, although it certainly sent his mind for a whirl, the fact that she was so close proved nothing in the end. He was counting on that.
Don't let her do this, he told himself, don't let her break that barrier down. Even if…even if she wants to. You almost lost her. Don't let that happen again.
He had to force himself to even think the words—believing in them was next to impossible. After all, Riza had faced down a homunculus to reach him…
He wasn't sure how he felt about that. It was flattering—hell, it was awe-inspiring—and just the thought that Riza might be so devoted sent excited shivers down his spine….only….Riza had been hurt, too. She'd been knocked out. How could he ask her what he most wanted to after that? He knew how much he'd hurt her the last few weeks…and now she'd been physically injured as well? How much more could he expect her to suffer for him? He was so tired of hurting her…so damn tired….
Another raw stab ran down his side, and he gritted his teeth. The pain reminded him that there were still some questions he needed to ask.
"H-Hey, Riza…I mean, Hawkeye…"
Riza flushed slightly and pulled her arm away, as if remembering that he was still her commanding officer, and not much else. "Y-Yes sir?"
"What…exactly happened…? I know I passed out, b-but…after that…what happened?"
"We aren't sure, exactly…by the time I arrived, you were already…" Her voice trailed off.
"Oh…well…I defeated Pride, b-but you must have…already figured that much…out…and…you said you got…held up…by a homunculus?
"Yes sir, Sloth."
"You…killed her, right?"
Riza's eyes hardened slightly. "She's no longer a threat, sir."
"R-Right…so, afterwards….what then?" Roy managed a weak chuckle. "I don't remember much."
Riza allowed herself to return his smile, if only slightly. "Not surprising, sir, considering how long you were unconscious."
Roy paused. "Y-Yeah…" He couldn't help but wonder how long that had been…he couldn't help but wonder how long she'd been there, taking care of him. So he asked, expecting the answer to be three or four days—five at the max.
Riza closed her eyes briefly, not enjoying the memories the question brought back. "A little over two weeks, sir."
"Two weeks!?" Roy stared at her in shock. "T-Two weeks!?"
She nodded. Roy shook his head slowly, in disbelief. Two weeks?
I was hurt that badly? was the first thought that crossed his mind, but it didn't last long; after all, from what he remembered of the fight with Pride, it hadn't been pretty. No, what was really shocking him—even if it took a moment or two to sink in—was that Riza had been there, by his side, cleaning his wounds and force-feeding him pills and basically keeping him alive, for two weeks.
Holy crap.
"If…if I was out that long, then why didn't…you take me to a hospital, Lieutenant?" He didn't mean the question to be rude; he just couldn't fathom her watching over him for so long. Perhaps he had been taken to a hospital in the beginning?
"Because, sir, Lieutenant Colonel Hughes and I felt that with the current political…issues, it would be too hard to adequately protect you in a hospital." She gave an irritated frown. "Not to mention, with your wounds, you needed constant supervision, and the Lieutenant Colonel and I didn't think that the hospital staff was quite up to the task."
"The two of you didn't think that, or you didn't think that?" Roy teased. Riza frowned at him.
"We didn't think that, sir," she answered rather stonily…but was it only Roy's fever that made it seem as if she didn't quite meet his eyes?
Well, whatever the case, she seemed to notice Roy's skeptical glance, because she hurriedly continued: "As I said, what with the political situation, it made more sense to have you treated in a setting that would stress your injuries the least. We decided on my apartment."
Roy decided not to ask just what the political situation was that the moment—he had enough on his plate right now, so he'd just have to be content with worrying over whether he was about to become president…or about to be arrested. Plus, there was another question he had to ask first.
"S-Speaking of injuries…" His voice trailed off. Riza bit her lip. She knew it was irrational, but a part of her had been hoping the Colonel wouldn't ask…not just yet, anyway. Obviously she'd tell him now that he had asked—it was his body they were talking about, after all. Only…never mind the fact that she wasn't sure how he'd take the news about his eye—she plain just didn't want to talk about it. He was so badly hurt…and every single one of his wounds was her fault. Every single scratch, cut, scrape, scar…all her fault, for not being where she was supposed to be when she was supposed to be there. By describing them, it was as if she was reminding herself of just what her negligence had caused…and she didn't need the reminder. How many hours had she spent by his bedside, distraught at the idea of losing him, promising him wildly that she could do better, would do better—oh, so much better!—if only he would stop crying out in his delirium and open his eyes?
"L-Lieutenant…?"
Riza shook herself out of her unhappiness, noting even as she did so that Roy'd gone back to using her title. Which was the proper, respectful thing for him to do. She'd always demanded that the level of professionalism between them never be broken…so why was she so disappointed all of a sudden?
"There were a lot of wounds, sir," she began, determined to keep the guilt out of her voice. "Many gashes and scrapes, a handful of which later became infected, as well as both arms being severely lacerated… a few broken and fingers, probably from striking Pride," she added after a moment's pause, and Roy sought in vain to remember when exactly that had happened. He couldn't recall hurting his hands, just using them to punch and create flames.
"Several very deep sword wounds along your chest—which also became infected, most likely because they were exposed to the elements for so long, a couple of relatively minor cuts on your face, some mild burns, assorted bumps and bruises, a few broken ribs…" Riza continued, listing his many ailments like she was reading from a script. Roy frowned. There was something she was avoiding…
His left eye itched, so he reached up to rub it—and found his hand blocked by what felt like bandages. Which was exactly what they were. Thick strips of cloth wound around his head and dipping over the eye…
Roy suddenly knew exactly what it was Riza didn't want to tell him, and his stomach lurched. As much as he tried to convince himself otherwise…he knew. After all…he could still feel blood's stickiness on the rough material, even more then fourteen days later...
"And…" Roy began, too casually, "what about…" He swallowed a bit. "What about my eye? I…can't see anything, not even…light from….underneath the bandages…"
Riza sighed inwardly, but her voice when she spoke was firm. What was the point in delaying the bad news?
"It looks as though you were stabbed there, sir," she said quietly, "and the wound got infected. Even now, it's still struggling to heal."
Then….does that mean it's going to take a while before I can see out of it again? Or….
The or made him light-headed, but he couldn't avoid it, somehow. He tried to catch Riza's eyes, something that had suddenly become impossible.
"So…" he asked, slowly, "is it…going to….get better?"
There was no doubt about it now—Riza was definitely not meeting his gaze. He took a deep breath, clenching his fingers tightly to keep them from shaking.
"Lieutenant…?" he managed. "Is my eye…will I be able to use it…anymore? Is it going to…to heal?"
"…No sir…" she finally whispered, sadly. "…It's not…"
"…."
Roy closed his eye—eye—for a minute, waiting for the news to sink in. "Ah. Well." He waited for some horrible sense of loss, or whatever it was people felt in situations like this, to overtake him. "…Well." He waited for the angry denial he was sure Riza was waiting for. "…." He waited…
Except for having lost the ability to speak…nothing really changed.
Oh, it certainly sucked to have lost his eye like that—he was certain that later on, when it really hit him, he'd have a pretty hard time dealing with it. But right now, while he was still reeling from the fact that Riza was living and breathing and right beside him, hell…what was one eye, as opposed to one amazing person? If this was the only price he had to pay for his arrogance, then….damn, he'd gotten off pretty easily.
Riza watched him, concerned. She wasn't sure what kind of reaction to expect from the Colonel, and it was making her uneasy. Would he blame her? It was her fault, after all….how upset would he be with her that he'd lost forever his 20/20 vision? It was a serious thing…he'd have to struggle now to regain his aim and precision while fighting…
The silence dragged on for what felt to Riza like an eternity. Roy didn't notice how pensive her normally taciturn face was—he was still too busy carefully sorting out his emotions about everything. There was some anger, some worry about what this meant for his future, some fear…hell, there was even some concern that his good looks might be gone! But those were just small things, popping up here and there, then vanishing back down to wherever they came from. The main feeling he was getting was still simple relief. Relief that all his foolishness had cost was his skin, not hers.
And anyway, looking at it from the alchemist's point of view—when he had thought she was dead, hadn't he sworn he'd do anything if he could somehow bring her back? It was sort of like Equivalent Exchange, if he thought about it long enough. His eye for her life? Not a bad trade at all.
Man, if someone had told me that I could save her by giving something like this up, I'd have let them pick and chose their organ, he thought wryly.
He glanced back up at Riza, who was awfully quiet beside him, and frowned when he saw the worry in her eyes.
"Lieutenant…y-you ok…?"
She hesitated. How easy it would be to simply nod her head and struggle with her guilt in private! But no, he would tell—he always did, somehow.
"I—I'm sorry, sir…" she mumbled.
"S-Sorry? For what?"
She looked at him hopelessly. Couldn't he tell already?
Roy didn't like where this was going. What on earth did Riza Hawkeye have to apologize for?
"For…your eye," she said finally, and he stared at her in shock. She was apologizing…for that?! Why!? That wasn't her fault at all! She hadn't even been there! Still, absurd or not, there was no mistaking the unhappiness surrounding her, and Roy was desperate to figure out something he could say, that might make things even a little bit better…hoping to bring at least a half-smile to her face, he grinned ruefully up at her.
"Eh, c'mon, H-Hawkeye. I'm the one who…fucked up, not you. Besides," he joked, "it's not like I lost both eyes, right? I still have another one! Really…it's alright."
If he thought that might help relieve the obvious tension….he was dead wrong.
"It is not all right!" Riza snapped. "Nothing about it is all right!"
Roy's mouth dropped open. "Lieutenant-?"
"I failed you, sir," she continued angrily, at herself or at him, Roy wasn't sure. "I didn't complete my part of the mission, and because of that, you've been crippled. You don't have to pretend as if it's not the truth, Colonel. I already am well aware that it is—"
"First Lieutenant Hawkeye." Roy's voice was so cold that she stopped mid-sentence. "First of all. You're probably the only reason I'm still breathing. The reason you didn't reach the prison exactly on time was because you were delayed by a monster who wanted to kill you. It's not as if you were just idly standing around."
"But sir—"
"Hold on, let me finish. Second of all…" He took a deep breath. "Don't you…ever…blame yourself for something that happens to me. I'm not worth it. Besides, my screwing up isn't your fault, Hawkeye." His tone was flat, and left no room for discussion. She thought she'd try anyway.
"With all due respect," she argued, her voice's trembling the only dent in her otherwise controlled behavior, "it is my fault if something happens to you!"
"Oh really," Roy said through clenched teeth. "And why is that?"
"Because you're my superior officer, and I—"
"I'm also Havoc's superior officer, and Breida's, and Fury's. I don't see them feeling guilty over something they couldn't control."
"None of them ever promised to always protect you!" Riza yelled—actually yelled, her upset and muddled feelings getting the best of her at last. "And none of them ever broke that promise!"
Silence….Roy swallowed, at a loss for words. Riza glared down at her hands, enraged with herself for having mentioned her promise. Damn…how could she be so stupid! Saying something like that was akin to admitting her feelings outright, at least to her. She didn't want Roy to know what kind of turmoil was baking inside of her—he'd think she was even more useless if he knew how fake her unruffled composer had been lately. God…why didn't she just spill everything while she was at it? Why not just blurt out her feelings to the colonel? What was the use of keeping anything to herself if she was just going to give it away later? This is why I shouldn't let myself lose my temper!
"And what makes you think you…broke that promise, Lieutenant?" Roy asked, attempting while he did so to keep his voice calm.
"…" Riza looked away, a dull flush settling over her cheeks. Great—another uncharacteristic flaw had decided to show up now, of all times. She'd been acting so unlike herself lately, she was beginning to forget who she was.
"My promise was todefend you, sir," she answered bleakly. "Obviously I have failed miserably in that regard."
Roy wanted to break something. Anything. If it was breakable and would shatter when it hit the floor, he wanted to break it.
Dammit!
He couldn't believe it. Riza had been sitting here for two fricken weeks blaming herself for every scratch. He knew that she'd always meant to keep that damn promise, but he'd never imagined she'd take it so literally…
She was letting her own career and her own ambitions fall by the wayside; she was constantly putting his needs before hers. He had taken up her entire life, and what was she getting out of it? Nothing. Not one goddamn thing!
"Jesus, I wish you hadn't made that fucking promise!" he cried before he could control himself. "I wish you had just gone on with your own life like everyone else!"
Riza was looking at him, shocked, but he figured he might as well keep going. It wasn't like he could help it—Riza's needless remorse had been such a shock to the system that he was hardly aware of what he was saying at this point. All he knew was that everything—every uncertainty and nagging doubt that had ever entered his mind, revolving around her…they were all exploding out of him. The walls were coming down—the secrets were being exposed. The guilt was overwhelming.
"I don't understand you, Hawkeye. You could have probably been made a general by now, but you insist on staying my subordinate. You're so attached to my mission—what about yours?!"
Her eyes were quickly beginning to look broken…Roy knew that he'd never be able to figure out why he was shouting at her like this, when in reality he knew he needed her to keep supporting him…when he needed to know she was there to keep going. He knew how hard it'd be just to get through the day without her there. And yet…he continued to yell.
"I needed you there, back in Ishbal—you didn't need me. You would have been fine either way. Hell, I don't know, maybe you just had some humanitarian urge and wanted to help me get through the war. Well, what about afterwards! What stopped you from going on and doing whatever it is you wanted to do? Why did you just drop everything for me?! You barely knew me! And yet here you are—you signed away your soul because of that stupid promise, and now you're being put through hell because of me, and you're not even complaining, just beating yourself up!" His voice was pleading. "I don't understand!"
"I-I just…" Riza was at a loss. Not surprising—the colonel was demanding answers she hadn't yet found for herself! "Sir, I…"
It was hopeless—she couldn't explain.
I don't know why I follow you, sir…
It was the truth. She didn't know, not really. All she knew was that, long ago, she had watched as a self-loathing young Major vanished into the red dusts of Ishbal, knowing, somehow, that there was something different about him, and that he would one day change her life…
"And of all people…" Roy continued angrily—or so it sounded. "You're the one who keeps following me, keeps backing me up. Of all people…." His voice rose. "Dammit, why didn't you just forget about me! And why can't you now? It won't work, you being so close to me—to my plans. I don't want you to be so fucking attached!"
"…"
Riza refused to let him see how severely he'd hurt her, how deeply his words dug. It wasn't easy though….she could feel herself crumbling inside. And to think that only a few minutes ago, she'd held his hand, and dared to hope…
"I apologize," she managed, trying and failing to salvage what was left of her pride. "I wasn't aware that you found me to be that…unacceptable."
She stood to go. No sense in hanging around here anymore, now was there? Roy obviously didn't want her there. And she didn't care. The awful muted ache deep inside, well…she wasn't sure quite where that was coming from, but it didn't matter. It wasn't important. She had half-known all along this was how Roy felt. It was no surprise, and there was no reason at all why it should bother her, why it should hurt.
Except it did, it did—it hurt worse then anything she'd ever felt, including everything she'd been through in Ishbal. She had to get out of that room before she collapsed—either way, she was sure it would happen, but she'd be damned if it'd happen in front of Roy.
"Riza." His voice was agonized. "Wait."
She didn't want to- she wanted to get away from there, away from him. But something in his voice made her stop and listen, the way it always did.
"T-That's…that's not what I meant." He wasn't looking at her; rather, he had his eyes fixed firmly on the bedspread. "It's not that. But…you know something, for a minute, I was gonna let you leave just like it was." He uttered a short, unhappy laugh. "Sad, huh? I was gonna let you walk out of here, probably forever…all for a reason that wasn't even true."
Riza stared at him. "May I ask why? Sir!"
"Because," he whispered, still staring at nothing. "Because maybe then you'd give up and leave."
"…What…" Riza struggled to keep her tone of voice in check. "If you don't mind my asking, sir…what exactly have I done to cause you to want me to…to leave?"
"Following me…supporting me….always being there. Always willing to do whatever it takes to get me ahead, even if it's dangerous or if you don't agree. No matter how big of an idiot I'm being, in the end you'll always back me up anyway and put yourself in harm's way….dammit!" He turned and smashed his fist into the headboard behind him, ignoring the pain.
"But sir," she protested, "As your subordinate, it's my job to insure your well-being! All of those of us under you fell the same way, Colonel, because we believe in your mission. We wouldn't support you if we didn't."
But you're not just any subordinate, Riza…
"That's just the thing." He shrugged, glowering. "I don't understand how you all decided I was worth throwing your support behind. You were in Ishbal, Hawkeye, you know how it was….what I did."
"Sir…"
"But even if we ignore the why's…it won't change anything." He looked at her, finally. "I'll never understand why you support me. I just know I wish you didn't."
There was a giant lump in her throat now, and it was making talking extremely difficult. "…Because of all the mistakes I've made? Not reaching you in time, becoming a liability once Greed struck—"
"I already told you it's not that." He sounded tired now. "Besides, Greed attacked you, it's not your fault."
"It caused more trouble, more distractions for you—"
"And you have my permission to dig up his body and slap him for it. But it's not that. You're not a…a liability." The idea made him chuckle wearily. "Hell, you're anything but."
"Then why…do you want me to leave?" Her emotions once again got the better of her. "And why not…just tell me!"
Riza cursed silently—her voice had completely cracked on that one. This was crazy…who cared what the answers were? It didn't matter….the fact was, Roy didn't want her to support him. Did there even have to be a reason for it? Would knowing his reason make the pain any less brutal?
"I couldn't tell you."
She turned back to him, surprised. "Sir..?"
"I know I probably should have. But I couldn't. I needed you there. Heh…I guess I even wanted you there. I wanted to transfer you, but at the same time I wanted you to stay. Makes no sense, does it? There's my weakness for you….I couldn't even do the right thing for a change and reassign you."
"Sir….if you wanted—" She paused. "If you needed me there," -a presumptive statement, not one she would ever normally make, because she was certain he could get along just fine without her, thank you very much…but need was more believable then want, anyway- "then how would a transfer be—"
"At least then you wouldn't get hurt because of me!" he yelled. Her eyes widened, but he ignored it. "At least then you wouldn't be risking your life because of who your fucking commander is!"
Riza was, yet again, speechless. It seemed to have been happening a lot lately. "C-Colonel, I…"
"You shouldn't have…been there all these years," Roy continued, sounding almost as if he was arguing with himself. "Hell, you shouldn't even be here now. Any typical soldier would have dropped me off at some hospital somewhere…which is what's supposed to happen. If I'm still a…a target, or whatever, then god damn it…why would you bring me to your house?! You're just putting yourself in harm's way, again, needlessly, because of some reason I can't for the fucking life of me figure out!"
Riza dropped her gaze to the floor.
"Jesus…you're the one who's so big on thinking things out first and being logical and all that crap. You know as well as I do that the smart thing is….damn, I don't even know at this point. But I do know that it's not my subordinate acting like my bodyguard!" His voice dropped to a faint murmur. "No matter how much I might need her to act like that."
"But, sir…" Riza hardly dared breathe the words, "If you need something, then--"
"But I shouldn't need you!"
"C-Colonel…?"
Roy turned red as he realized what he'd just said. "It," he amended lamely. "I shouldn't need it."
Riza closed her eyes. Everything was too confusing, too messed up. The only thing she could grasp was that Roy had forgotten something…something very important.
He had gone back to studying the bedspread, resolutely not meeting her eyes. Obviously he was assuming she was pissed at him. Taking a deep breath, she returned to his bedside, and pushed his shoulders back down. He looked up in surprise.
"Ri--Hawkeye…!"
"You need your rest, remember, sir?"
"But…." Roy was so confused. Wasn't she mad at him? Why was she still taking care of him? "I thought…"
"I'm afraid you're mistaken, Colonel," she informed him sternly, continuing to push his shoulders until he gave up and sank down again. "There is nothing wrong with you needing…something that you feel is so important to you."
"But…it's too dangerous…too uncertain…" he whispered. "It's not smart at all, don't try and tell me it is…" He smiled bitterly. "After all, Riza Hawkeye doesn't lie, right?"
Riza resisted the urge to smack him.
"Fine, Colonel," she said coolly. "I won't say it's smart. I really don't know if it is or isn't, frankly."
"You see…?" Another bitter laugh. "It just shows how big a coward I am. I can't even do the smart thing and—"
"Colonel Mustang," Riza interrupted rather loudly. "Do you remember what I told you, back in Ishbal, when you asked me why I didn't desert?"
Roy looked confused. "Yeah, you…said there was a….smart thing and a right thing, and that they're not always the same, right?"
She nodded calmly, but her eyes flashed at him. Roy understood what she meant; he was just having a hard time processing it.
"But…this isn't…you being here all the time…being my bodyguard all the time…that's not the right thing, either! It can't be, I mean…" He realized he was sputtering hopelessly by this point, so he just stopped talking. He knew he'd gotten the point across…more or less.
What if she…agrees with me? She'll leave, I guess, which would be good…I know it would be, it's not like I haven't thought about it a million times before…but…
What he couldn't for the life of him understand was why, if it was really a good thing, the idea should be such a horrible one to him. Well….no, that wasn't really true…he knew why…he just wished it wasn't true that it hurt so much--he wished he could be stronger, strong enough to send her away without giving in to his own weak desires.
Riza sighed. "Sir, it is the right thing," she informed him, as if it were obvious. For me, anyway…
"How...? You're being put in harm's way, and you won't even get any rewards out of this—"
"I'll get to see you become president," she said simply. "That's reward enough."
"L-Lieutenant…"
"Colonel, you have to understand," came her soft voice. "I'm not supporting you for the rewards. None of your men are. Trust me," and her lips turned up in a wry smile, "if that was the case, we all would have found much easier ways to get what we wanted."
"Then…why…?"
Riza paused for a second, and then sighed again. Picking up the glass of water, she half-forced him to take a drink—how had she known his throat was going dry again?—before answering.
"As I've said, Colonel Mustang, I…we…support you because we have faith in you, in your promise to fix what is broken in this country—whether or not you have any faith in yourself," she added firmly when she saw him about to protest. He gave up and fell silent. "We know you can do this, Colonel…" Her voice softened. "I know you can do this."
Roy was quiet for a long, long time. Riza had just begun to wonder if their little…discussion…was over, when he finally spoke. His voice was hesitant, doubtful, completely unlike his usual cocky drawl. After all, it was the product of him debating heatedly with himself over whether or not to ask what he wanted to. He was so afraid of the answer…
She could say yes, and only get dragged in deeper…except that she's already in so deep…and she doesn't want to climb her way out, either. She's so determined to support me…doesn't she realize how dangerous it is?!
So, no, he didn't want her to say yes…but…he didn't want her to say no, either. God, if she said no, it'd be a bullet to the heart he could never overcome…
No! I want her to say no. That would make it easier for everyone. A bitter voice that wasn't his asked, easier for who? Not for you, you just admitted you'd go insane. He tried hopefully, For her then? The voice jeered at him, Idiot, she's not leaving you. If the answer's yes, and you still hold her at arm's length 'cause you're scared…well, you'll only hurt her more. Roy paused.
…Why hadn't he realized that before, damn it! Where the heck was this voice two weeks ago!
Face it, the voice continued, you want her to say yes. You're just too scared to admit it. He frowned indignantly. Scared? Of what? A pause, and then—Of losing her. Of getting so close and then having her ripped away from you. And of hurting her, of not being what she needs or deserves. Roy could feel hot anger rising up in his chest. Well? he demanded angrily. So what? I don't want to hurt her, I'm not what she deserves! The voice's tone made him sound like a moron. Says who? Says you, and since when do you have any idea at all when it comes to this stuff? You go out with bimbos who forget their own names, for Christ's sake. Face it, Mustang, when it comes to romance, you're an idiot! He felt the need to defend himself, but hey, even Roy had to admit his conscience had a point. Listen, Riza doesn't seem to care about your opinion of yourself. She doesn't seem to think you're some monster who belongs behind bars. And don't even think that it's 'cause she doesn't know, she was in Ishbal with ya and she saw all the fucked up things you did and she loves you anyway. Hell, you should be throwing a party, not whining.
Hmph, that was so not true! ...Ok, maybe it was. But, come on! I don't have a right to drag her down into my hell… No doubt about it, the voice was majorly impatient with him…not to mention annoyed. Who says you'll drag her down? Maybe she'll lift you up.
Maybe she'll…the idea blew him away. Feeling the need to reign in this crazy conversation with himself, he insisted, This is nuts, first of all, and second of all, it doesn't matter, because she's not going to say yes. The voice sighed. How about you ask her and find out for sure? Unless you're too much of a coward…
Faced with his own damn conscience calling him a coward, in the end Roy had no choice but to ask.
"Riz—Hawkeye," he began tentatively, "Uhm, listen…" Oh god oh god oh god, how was he supposed to ask her after telling her to her face he wished she wasn't always there? "L-Look, um…" He forced a laugh. "Something I just…just realized, ah…"
"Sir?" Riza instantly sounded concerned, all traces of uncertainty over what had just transpired between the two of them gone. When it came down to Roy Mustang's health, she didn't let anything get in the way. "Are you feeling ok? Maybe you should rest for a while…"
"No, no…ah…it's not that, it's just…uhh…see, I was talking to Lieutenant Colonel Hughes the other day, and, uh…" He blinked. Was it the lack of working eyes Roy was dealing with now, or did Riza suddenly look extremely pensive? …But why would she look like that, unless…--nope, it was the lack of eyes. Definitely the lack of eyes. "Y-You know how he is…completely mental…but, see…"
"Sir," Riza interrupted hurriedly, "I really think you should rest—!"
"Hold on a minute, Hawkeye, let me just get this out. See, Hughes kept bringing up this wild idea of his, and what with the homunculi business and all, I kinda forgot to mention it to you before, but, uhm…"
Riza stared at him in obvious horror. Was he asking—he couldn't be asking—oh shit, what if he was asking what she though he was asking? What was she supposed to say then?!
"…Now that things have…er…settled down a bit," Roy was saying, his voice faint in her ears, "I figured I might as well ask, just to, y'know, get it outta the way and all….I mean, I know what your answer's gonna be, like I said, Hughes is nuts. Don't know where the hell he gets his ideas from, heh heh. But, anyway, he had this…crazy idea that you…" he laughed again, too loudly. Riza thought numbly about telling him that he shouldn't strain his body so much. "That you…had, uh…" Oh crap, this isn't working! "He had this crazy idea that you…were…that you were actually…actuallyinlovewithmebutIknowthat'snottrueit'sjustainsaneideayoudontfeelthatwayright?" he finished, all in a rush. Then he sighed, leaned back against the pillow, and waited for her to say no.
"…."
She'd be saying no any second now.
"…"
Yup, any second…
"…"
….
"…"
…Why wasn't she saying no?
"H-Hawkeye…?" He risked a glance. "Lieutenant?"
Riza stared down at her hands, clenching and unclenching them in her lap. She knew Roy was waiting for an answer—damn Hughes for telling him! She never should have admitted a thing around him. Although….in all honesty, she knew he'd have blabbed about her feelings to the Colonel whether he had proof or not, so…but still! How the hell could she answer that question? Obviously, her answer was yes, but she couldn't tell Roy that…could she?
He just told me he didn't want me around, she reminded herself…but, then again, it sounded as if he'd only done that to try and protect her. Even so, though…she'd decided long ago that his feelings weren't the same…after all, he'd continued to date even after the whole mess had started—her skin still crawled at the thought of The Date. But…the way he was looking at her…the way he'd sounded before, so distraught at the idea that he might cause her to land in harm's way….
"…Hawkeye," Roy tried again, uncertainly, "Is…is what Hughes was saying…true?"
Riza closed her eyes in exhaustion. This was it….she couldn't hide it any longer. True, she could always just say no, and he'd believe her…but…the word wouldn't come out of her mouth. Maybe it was better this way. At least she wouldn't have to hold it inside any longer, and maybe now he'd be more considerate when going out with other women. That is, unless he transferred her first.
Roy heard her sharp intake of breath, and felt his heart leap into his throat. "H-Hawkeye? He's not right…is he?"
One last pause, and then…
"Yes sir," Riza whispered. "He is."
AN- oddly enough, this chapter goes from roy in full-on guilt mode, to roy in full-on spaz mode, all within five seconds. maybe i shoulda dragged that out a bit more...altho i have been accused many a time of over-writing (my biggest flaw besides spelling, it would seem.) anyone else have an opinion on this?
heck, even if you dont, review anyway!