Author's Note: All right, chapter one, here we go! And if you happen to use the name "KiBaSgUrL122" on anything, I'm sorry. It's not about you, I just pulled that name out of my head.

Disclaimer: Disclaimer: Mr. Kazuki Takahashi owns Yu-Gi-Oh! and all its characters and properties. Basically, only Gorg the Caveman, "Crystal" and "Sakura" belong to me.

Chapter one: Enter Sakura, Exit Sense

Seto Kaiba was having a very bad day. Firstly, he had gym class, which was bad enough. Usually he bribed his way out of it, but he had forgotten his cheque book in his office the previous day. Secondly, they were wrestling that class. Third, he had been partnered with Jounouchi. Lastly, he had lost their match. Being the vengeful, competitive, and generally unforgiving person he was, there was no way he was going to accept that. He was debating whether or not to have Jounouchi assassinated or just blow up his locker when he reached his limousine.

"Good afternoon, Sir," said the chauffer.

"Germph," grunted Kaiba, and threw himself into the back seat.

The chauffer sighed, started the car, and pondered the perplexities of wealthy teenagers.

When he arrived at the Kaiba Corp building, he "germphed" his way through the halls until he reached his own office.

"Aagh… c'mon, c'mon…" he grumbled impatiently as his top-of-the-line PC loaded.

Having "finally" reached his e-mail inbox, (in reality it had only taken about a minute) he proceeded to wade through a heap of merger offers, death threats and other things he didn't care about. Halfway through the list, a message entitled "OMG!1!" caught his eye.

Omg. What is Omg? He said to himself as he checked the sender.

KiBaSgUrL122.

Great.

Normally he would have gone straight out to his secretary and given her a rather large piece of his mind for sending such an obviously worthless message to his in-box, but today he was in a vindictive, foul mood. He'd give it to "KiBaSgUrL122". That would teach her a lesson.

First though, he would have to read it.

Poor Seto Kaiba took a deep breath and braced for a nasty headache.

"Dear Seto-kun,"It read.

"It just so hapens tht we wur bestest fwiends in da orfanige. (OMG, it wuz soooooooo kawaii:D) and u don't remember cuz of Gozaburo bein soooooo MEEN 2 u nd ABUSINNG u nd stuff! u must be soooooo SAD!111 im gunna com nd c u cuz i tink u ned a friend lol.

Luv, Sakura! xoxoxoxoxo"

Seto stared at the screen, floating between flying into a rage and vomiting from pure disgust.

Before he had a chance to do either, his secretary's nasal voice rang out from the speaker next to his computer.

"Someone to see you, Sir."

Before he could tell her to tell whoever it was to go away, the office door opened of its own accord.

A creature of ultimate beauty entered. Long, flowing, wavy hair like spun gold fell gracefully down to her nymph-like waist. On her head two strands were twisted into jewel set buns. Another two strands, azure as the sea bounced in spirals past her shoulders. Shimmering violet orbs, deep as the star-strewn night sky stared from her alabaster face. Smooth pale blue eye shadow glowed beneath her perfectly shaped brows.

Her graceful neck sloped down towards her goddess-like bust. She wore a rose pink tee-shirt with a scarlet heart on it. She wore a very short blue skirt without being slutty. She had long sculpted legs. She was Mary Sue number sixty-two-thousand-nine-hundred-and-forty-seven. Let's call her Sakura.

Sakura's crowning glory was "tehAWsom millenum BeLt LOL" Yes, that was its official title. It (utterly unlike some other things) could initiate shadow games and detect other millennium Items. According to the dictations of LoggIck, the eighth millennium item must of course be the most important and more powerful than all others combined. Sakura was well versed in LoggIck.

Unfortunately forMissSakura, her beauty and power were totally lost on Seto Kaiba.

Who on earth are you?" he asked in a terse voice.

"Oh… didn't you get my e-mail? I'm Sakura! Don't worry, you'll remember me eventually!" She had a horribly perfect voice.

"Really…" responded Seto. At that same moment his hand shot out and pushed a large red button on the speaker. "Security!"

Sakura pouted in what she evidently expected to be a heart-wrenching fashion. "You're calling security? On me?"

"Yes, I am." He gave her a sadistic smirk as five burly men burst through the office door.

And fell into a Plot Hole.

"Wha…" Seto was nonplussed. He turned his eyes to Sakura, who smiled sweetly at him.

"Didn't you see? I beat them with my magical powers!"

"Magical… that's ridiculous! Get out of my office! Right now!" Seto's whole thin body was bristling with anger.

But Sakura's smile just widened. The stylised eye on her BeLt began to pulse with a hypnotic, golden light.

The light grew brighter and brighter.Poor Mr. Kaibatried to move, but found he couldn't. His head seemed to throbb in resonance with the horrible, pulsating light.

"I…I…urgh…" Most of unfortunate Seto's thoughts trickled out of his head and departed to a higher plane. His vision swam and his face felt hot. His poor, overpowered mind began to tell him Sakura was really very attractive, that he really had known her in the past, and that he really did want her around. What remained of his better sense took offence with that and began the mental equivalent a full-scale civil war inside his head. He clamped his narrow hands on his pain-racked head and collapsed on his desk.

Sakura slid her perfect body into the office chair next to him, face still smiling, BeLt still glowing. She gently patted his shaking back and waited.

In the quiet aftermath of his struggle against Teh BeLt, Seto Kaiba sat slumped, face down on his keyboard.

"C'mon, sweetie. Let's get you home," purred Sakura.

Seto's last, vague thought was that he didn't actually want to go home, but it fizzled out, leaving a fuzzy emptiness behind it.

Sakura's sweet smile returned as she led her docile "boyfriend" from the office by the hand.

Well, there you go. After this it'll star Mokuba, trying to thwart Sakura and umm... un-zombifiehis brother... It felt so creepy, describing Sakura like that...Ispent five minutes trying to think up a good adjective for her breasts. Urrgh!

What do think of Kaiba the Zombie? The way I see it, the only way you get him to believe Mary Sue-talk is to zombifie him. Especially that stuff about them being in the same orphanage as him. Correct me if I'm wrong, but, wasn't that a boy's home? And if it was, does it not utterly defeat the point of a boy's home to have girl there? It is teh weird…