Disclaimer: Don't do anything in this fic, ANYTHING.
Poor Peter, Poor Poor Peter
"Wake up boy," Vernon pounded on Harry's door.
"What is it?" Harry frowned, looked like Vernon needed another lesson in negative reinforcement.
"We're going to a football match," the pig like man replied. "And you're coming with us."
"Why?" Harry sighed, at least he'd have the experience.
"Because that Fig woman tried to brain me with a cast iron pan the last time I saw her." Vernon absent mindedly rubbed his still sore jaw, "and Petunia doesn't want you alone in the house."
"Fine," Harry shrugged.
The family piled into the car and Dudly played his favorite game (Punch Harry) to pass the time, and before they knew it they were sitting in the stands.
"I don't like the look of some of these folk," Petunia looked around nervously. "Why couldn't we have gotten better seats away from all these hooligans?"
"Stay calm pet," Vernon assured his wife. "They won't bug quality folk like us."
The eyes of the surrounding soccer hooligans narrowed but they kept their peace, they'd need more than that to interrupt the game with a riot at this point.
"Quality folk," Harry snorted. "That's a laugh, you, your giraffe wife, and your dimwit son are the furthest thing from quality that I can imagine."
"Shut your mouth freak," Vernon lost his temper and raised his fist. "Or I'll shut it so that you can never open it again."
"That'll do," one of the hooligans nodded to the other who immediately broke a beer bottle over the fat man's head.
The riot that ensued earned a place in soccer (football) history as one of the most vicious in recent memory, forty cars were overturned and two hundred people were sent to the hospital. It was not however without it's positive side, due to the new cameras it was quite easy for the authority's to identify and track down the man that had instigated the whole thing.
"I'm telling you, you've got the wrong guy." Vernon protested as several large policemen dragged him from his hospital bed, "it's not my fault."
"Shut up," one of the arresting officers 'accidentally' punched the fat man in the stomach. They finally had the bastard and this time he wasn't getting away. Vernon had become something of a local legend among local law enforcement, the man that always got off . . . no one was quite clear on how the enormous man managed it but they had never been able to send him to prison for his numerous crimes.
It took three sleepless nights for the headmaster to free Vernon from Prison and for the first time the ancient man was starting to have doubts.
"Have I done the right thing?" Dumbledore muttered to himself, "could I perhaps be making a mistake by returning Harry to his relatives care? . . . Nahh, I've never been wrong before."
It took another three weeks to find young Harry, who it turned out was in Belgium traveling with a group of soccer hooligans in a stolen double decker bus.
"Hello Harry," Dumbledore was dressed in a subdued suit. "Would you like to come with me?"
"Just a second," Harry nodded. "I just want to say goodbye to my friends."
"Ok," the Headmaster nodded. "Just be quick about it."
Harry walked up to the largest, meanest hooligan in the group and tugged on his pants.
"What'd ya need?" The man peered down at the boy that had impressed them all with his impressive ability to catch a thrown bottle and accurately hurl it back.
"Some lonely old man wants to take me away with him," Harry replied innocently. "So I just came to say goodbye."
"He does hmmmm?" The man's eyes narrowed, "you wait here while we go have a talk with him."
"Ok," Harry nodded innocently. He was still a bit angry with the man for what had happened in the last time line, not to mention all the times that he had been returned to the care of his relatives.
Ignoring the sounds of violence, Harry set a spare tire on fire and began to cook second lunch for his friends. After all, you can't start a riot if you don't have any energy.
Three weeks later and four broken bones, five for Snape, and a broken nose for one of the hooligans. Dumbledore finally found a way to separate Harry from his new family.
"What's all this nonsense about?" Minerva glared at the hooligans.
The hooligans froze in mid swing, and stared at the strange woman in shock.
"We were just teaching young Harry how to fight properly," one of the hooligans replied. "What are you doing?"
"I've come to take Harry back to his relatives house," McGonagall answered. "And I won't tolerate any more interference."
"Can I stay just one more day?" Harry's innocent little eyes pleaded, "we've only got one more game and I need one more ear to complete my necklace."
"There will be no necklaces made of human ears while I'm around," the Professor replied sternly. "But I don't see the harm in going to one more game."
The hooligans gave a mighty cheer and began piling into their stolen double decker bus.
"Come on," Harry grabbed his future? Past? Professor by the hand and led her into the bus. "It'll be fun."
Harry and his friends spend an enjoyable game which ended all too soon as a mob of riot police descended on the stadium to break it up.
"Well," McGonagall gave a stern smile. "You've had your last game, are you ready to go."
"Ok," Harry nodded. "Will you teach me how to groin stomp?"
"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about," McGonagall shook her head. "Come with me."
"But the guys said that you groin stomped several people." Harry protested, "and they said that it was done with more skill than anyone had ever seen before."
"They said that?" McGonagall smiled.
"Yes," Harry nodded. "So will you teach me?"
"Maybe when you're older," Minerva broke down.
"But I wanna learn now"
"And you'll never learn with that attitude," she patted him on the head. "Let all things come in their proper time."
"Ok," Harry replied grudgingly. "First you take away my human ear necklace and now you won't teach me how to groin stomp."
"What was that?" McGonagall had spent a career teaching children and she had a very good idea how to deal with them.
"Nothing"
"That's what I thought," McGonagall nodded.
"Can we go get something to eat?" Harry smiled innocently.
The years past and the Dursleys spent quite a bit of time in prison, it got so bad that Vernon would burst into tears every time someone said the word 'Bubba' and after what seemed like no time at all, Harry received his Hogwarts letter.
"Dudley get the mail," Vernon ordered.
"Make Harry do it," Dudly whined.
"Harry get the mail," Vernon ordered.
"Bubba," Harry smirked sadistically.
"I'll get it," Petunia stalked past her crying husband and towards the letter slot. "Vernon look."
"What," Vernon wiped his nose and dried his tears on the sleeve of his shirt. "What's going on?"
"His letter has arrived," Petunia shouted out in glee. "He'll finally be gone, we'll finally be free, no more being assaulted by police officers, no more time in prison, no more . . . That."
"We promised that we'd never talk about That," Vernon sobbed.
"Is Dudley going somewhere?" Harry asked innocently.
"No, um . . . Harry." Vernon smiled nervously, "you've just received your entrance letter to Hogwarts."
"The best magical school in the world," Petunia added. "Just think about all the fun you'll have there."
"But I wanna stay here," Harry smiled as he added another happy memory. "With the two of you, won't you get lonely without me?"
"We'll manage," Vernon smiled. "Wouldn't want to deprive you of the opportunity to learn magic would we?"
"I don't know . . . isn't there a closer school?" Harry basked in his relatives discomfort, "so I can stay here with my family?"
"NO," Petunia shook her head. "Only Hogwarts is good enough for you and to go to Hogwarts you have to be gone most of the year . . . think of all the friends you can make there, it'll be fun."
"Well . . . ok," Harry nodded. "What do I do now?"
"Now we'll just take you to London so you can get your supplies," Vernon smiled. "And since neither of us knows anything about the wizarding world, why don't you just get a hotel room and stay there until school starts."
"Where will I get the money for all this?" Harry was determined to make them suffer as much as possible.
"Here," Vernon pulled a thick stack of bills out of his pocket. "That's about a thousand pounds, plenty for you to live on."
"Are you sure you won't miss me?" Harry smiled.
"We just . . . want you to . . . have the best education possible," Petunia smiled. "Now off you go into the car."
Petunia watched as her husband and nephew drove out of sight and breathed a sigh of relief.
"Dudley," Petunia called out. "Pack a bag with everything you'll need to live on for the next few weeks, we're going on a vacation when your dad gets home."
"Where are we going?" The young boy's piggy eyes looked up at his mother's face.
"Somewhere that doesn't have extradition treaties with England," Petunia replied. "We've already got our passports, your new name is Michael Hawk."
"Why do we always get new names when we go on vacation?" Dudley's frowned in confusion.
"Because it takes longer for them to track us down and bring us back," Petunia explained. "Your father's name is named Mitch and my name is Sandra."
IIIIIIIIII
"Here you go boy," Vernon stopped the car and motioned for his nephew to get out. "Off you go."
"Bye uncle Vernon," Harry waved. "I won't tip the police off until just before I get on the train."
Harry watched as his uncle sped out of sight and for a moment he contemplated the fact that he might have just gotten even with his 'family' and that maybe, just maybe he should stop tormenting them . . . nahhh, even if everything was even there was still all the years in this time line. Besides, he was sure that several months without negative reinforcement would cause the Dursleys to revert to their normal trollish selves.
Walking through the Leaky Cauldron, Harry pulled out his wand and tapped the bricks to reveal the entrance.
"Might as well get another one," Harry muttered to himself. "If I don't, they'll just try to put the monitoring charms on this one."
Walking to Olivander's shop, Harry took a moment to decide how he was going to handle things.
"Hello Mr. Olivander," Harry yawned. "Why don't you get me a Holly wand with a Phoenix feather, and if you wouldn't mind keeping the fact that I knew which wand I wanted from Dumbledore, I won't mind keeping quiet about some . . . other things."
"That was the most inept attempt at black mail I've ever seen," Olivander shook his head. "If you tell me how you knew I promise not to tell anyone about anything, I'll even remove the monitoring charms."
"I'm from the future," Harry sighed. "And I came back in time and decided to get revenge on everyone, after this I'm going to go to a grave yard and destroy some bone of father, I've already transfigured a few replacements out of raw sewage."
"Am I on your revenge list?" Olivander asked nervously.
"Not yet," Harry shook his head. "Why?"
"Just making sure," Olivander smiled. "Here's your wand, have fun."
"Thanks," Harry grabbed the box. "Do you know where I could get a good trunk? Or a book on ways to torment a pet rat?"
"There's a specialty luggage shop down the street," Olivander replied. "And I imagine that the pet shop might have something."
"Thanks," Harry nodded. "Have a good day."
"You as well," Olivander replied while making a mental note to NEVER do something to get on young Harry's bad side.
"First things first," Harry muttered to himself again. "I've got to go get Hedwig again."
Walking to the Owl Emporium, Harry was quickly able to find his pet owl.
"I want that snowy owl," Harry pointed. "And a selection of your best owl treats, toys, and anything else that would make an owl's life happier."
"Hoot," the owl bobbed her head.
"No problem," the man nodded. "Anything else?"
"What's this do?" Harry held up the only unmarked bottle on the rack.
"It allows your owl to shoot magical beams of focused light out its eyes that are so powerful that they are capable of burning an adult dragon to a crisp," the shopkeeper replied. "You'd be surprised how big the market for it is."
"How much?"
A few minutes later, Harry walked out of the shop with a happy owl on his shoulder.
"HOOT," Hedwig vaporized a passing swallow.
"Stop it girl," Harry glared at his owl. "I didn't get that so you could vaporize swallows . . . come to think of it, I'm not sure why I got you that . . . just try not to be noticed."
"Hoot," Hedwig bobbed her head and focused on another swallow. "HOOT."
Harry walked into the trunk store next and grabbed one of the sales people.
"Can I help you?"
"Just give me the coolest trunk you've got," Harry commanded. "One with all sorts of features like hidden rooms and stuff."
"Ok," the sales clerk pulled a small black trunk out of his pocket. "This is our coolest trunk, it's got all sorts of neat things and hidden rooms and it comes with everything you'll ever need to go to school so you won't have to go shopping for more supplies."
"Wow," Harry nodded. "That is cool, whys it black?"
"Because black is cool," the sales man replied in a superior tone.
"Guess I can't argue with that logic," Harry nodded. "I'll take it."
"That'll be a lot of money that we'll take out of your account," the sales clerk replied. "Now get out."
"Bye," Harry walked out of the store. "That shortened my shopping trip, off to the pet store."
"Hoot?"
"I've got a rat I'd like to torture," Harry replied. "And I'm going to get some things to do it with."
"Hoot hoot HoOt." Hedwig replied.
"Sure I COULD just feed him to you," Harry nodded. "But I want him to suffer."
"Hoot"
Harry walked into the pet store and immediately found a book entitled, 'Home Veterinarian - why you should take your pet to a licensed professional, the spells in this book won't kill your pet but will make it's life a living hell.'
"That's convenient," Harry smiled. Walking towards the register, he noticed that one of the rat cages was covered in dark enchantments and holding charms. "What's this?"
"Oh that?" The shopkeeper gestured to the cage, "that cage holds an evil rat."
"Evil Rat?"
"The you-know-who of rats," the shopkeeper nodded. "I wouldn't get too close to it."
"What would happen if you put another rat in there?" Harry's eyes lit up.
"Well," the shopkeeper paused to think of about it for a moment. "I'm sure that it would survive, but the poor creature's life would be a living hell."
"I'll take it," Harry nodded. "Can you put a few charms on the cage to make it unbreakable?"
"Already done"
"What about a charm to prevent self transfiguration?"
"That too"
"Why?" Harry couldn't figure out why something like that would be added.
"It gets lonely in this shop all by myself OK," the shopkeeper burst into tears and ran into the back room.
"That was easy," Harry picked up the cage and peered inside. "I think I'll call you . . .Foamy."
Harry, Hedwig, and Foamy then decided to find a portkey shop so that they could make the trip to the cemetery a few years early.
"Hello," Harry smiled. "I need a portkey to a cemetery so that I can desecrate a grave."
"Really?" The shopkeeper eyed him, "and why would you want to do that?"
"Collecting potions ingredients," Harry shrugged. "Why?"
"Just asking," the Shopkeeper handed over a portkey. "It's two way and it'll return you to a street corner right in front of the most vicious wizarding lawyer's office."
"Wow," Harry took the portkey. "That's suspiciously convenient."
Desecrating Lord Voldemort's Father's was easier than Harry expected it to be and in no time, he had the man's skeleton replaced with his replacement skeleton transfigured from raw sewage.
"Wow," Harry shook his head. "That was easy, could you vaporise the skeleton so it can't be used to resurrect Voldemort?"
"Hoot," Hedwig bobbed her head and focused on the old bones. "HOOT."
"Thank you"
Harry and his pets activated the portkey and reappeared in front of the vicious lawyer's office.
Figuring that he may as well go in and start getting his revenge on people aside from the Dursleys and Dumbledore, Harry walked into the office.
"Do you have an appointment?" The receptionist didn't bother to look up.
"Of course I do," Harry nodded. "Now move aside while I get on with my business."
"Wha?" She looked up just in time to see the small boy barge into her boss's office.
"Can I help you?" The lawyer looked up from his desk at the small boy.
"There are a lot of people that I want to sue," Harry replied. "I'd also like to get my godfather a new trial."
"Can you pay for this?" The lawyer knew better than to judge a book by its cover.
"I'm Harry Potter," Harry replied. "I'm rich, very very rich."
"Ok," the lawyer shrugged. "Who do you want to sue?"
"The estate of Tom Riddle for wrongful death," Harry replied. "And every death eater, even the ones that claimed to be under the imperius as well."
"Ok," the lawyer nodded. "I suppose I can do that, you want the Malfoys on that list?"
"I want the Malfoys at the top of that list," Harry nodded. "And I want to see if you can get Sirius Black, my godfather cleared and released."
"I'll see what I can do," the lawyer shook his head. "But I wouldn't expect much."
"I'll try to get capture the guy he murdered who faked his death and framed my godfather here," Harry promised. "Would that help?"
"Wouldn't hurt," the lawyer smiled. "In the mean time, I'll try to get him transferred to a non dementer section."
The weeks passed and before he knew it, Harry was standing in Kings Cross Station. Walking up to the payphones, Harry dropped in a couple of coins and called Scotland Yard.
"Yes?"
"I don't have much time," Harry whispered. "Vernon Dursley's nephew has gone missing and I shudder to think what might have happened to the poor boy."
"Did you say Dursley?" The voice on the other end of the phone seemed excited, "can you tell us anything else that might help put him away?"
"If you look under a loose floor board under the man's bed you'll find drugs, explosives, and pictures of several prominent politicians in . . . compromising poses." Harry whispered, "and if you look in the photo albums you'll find several . . . .interesting negatives."
"What's on them?"
"Pictures of secret documents," Harry whispered back. "I think the man might be selling secrets to our enemies."
"Stay where you are," the voice on the phone commanded. "We'll send someone to get you."
"It's too late," Harry whispered back. "They're on to me, I don't know if I can escape . . . just tell me that you'll put this guy away."
"We'll have policemen there in a few minutes . . . "
Harry dropped the phone and walked through the wall onto platform 9 ¾, he had no doubt that Vernon had already skipped the country but he might as well take the time to make Dumbledore's life more difficult when he had the chance. Besides, he went to a lot of trouble to plant all that evidence and he wasn't going to let his effort go to waste.
Making his way to the train, Harry found an empty compartment and began to think.
"Hmmmm, which girl should I chose . . . Hermione is incredibly kinky, she has to be with all the time she's spent reading Hogwarts a History." Harry rubbed his chin, "then there's Padma and Pavarti mmmm, twins. Actually, you know what? I deserve a harem after all the crap in my life, it's settled I'm going to have a harem." Harry nodded to himself.
Moments later, the door opened and a red headed boy walked in. "My name's Ron, can I sit here?"
"Sure," Harry nodded. "I see you have a pet rat?"
"Yup," Ron nodded. "His name is Scabbers."
"Why don't you put him in this cage with my pet rat Foamy?" Harry opened the cage, "so they can play."
"Ok," Ron dropped Scabbers into the cage. "What's your name?"
"I'm Harry," Harry replied. "Looks like Scabbers and Foamy don't like each other."
Foamy was chasing poor Scabbers around the cage and she appeared to be intent on causing him grave bodily injuries.
"Do something," Ron didn't want his pet to die.
"Let me just see if I can find out why they don't like each other first," Harry pulled out his book on home veterinary medicine. "I think I've figured out why Foamy and Scabbers don't get along.".
"Why?" Ron blinked.
"Because Scabbers hasn't been neutered," Harry smiled. "It's making Foamy aggressive."
"Why can't we neuter Foamy?" Ron frowned.
"Because Foamy's a girl," Harry shook his head. "Besides, Scabbers will live longer and be more healthy if we neuter him."
"Ok," Ron nodded. "You do it."
"Why me?" Harry couldn't wait.
"Because I can't do it," Ron admitted. "Just . . . you do it."
"Ok," Harry nodded. "But you find the charm."
"It's," Ron squinted at the book. "Explosivo Castrado."
Harry took a moment to take in the sight of the wide eyed rat franticly clawing at the side of the cage, this was another memory that he was going to treasure forever.
"Explosivo Castrado," Harry swished and flicked his wand and the rodent began making high pitched squeals.
"What's wrong?" Ron looked ready to faint at the sight of all that blood.
"Let me have the book," Harry ordered. "Here's the problem, you told me the incantation for the explosive castration charm, not the neuter charm."
"I think I'm gonna be sick," Ron turned green.
"Ok," Harry nodded. "Just a second . . . here it is the cauterization charm."
Another swish and flick and the rat was no longer bleeding.
"So he's gonna be ok?" Ron asked nervously.
"Just let me use the quick healing charm and he'll be fine." Harry smirked evilly, that was revenge for his parents. Now all he had to do was figure out how to reveal Wormtail and get Sirius out of prison.
"Ok," Ron watched nervously.
"There everything the way it was before," Harry nodded.
In his cage, Peter glared at the young Potter . . . he begged to differ.
"Have you seen a toad?" A young bushy haired girl opened the door.
"Have you read Hogwarts a History?" Harry perked up, "gotten to page 245 yet?"
"It's a great book," Hermione replied with a straight face. "I've already read it four times."
"Well," Harry smirked he really deserved a kinky girlfriend more than Ron did. "Why don't the two of us get together some time and . . . talk about it?"
"Ok," the bushy haired girl nodded with a hint of red in her cheeks. "Let's talk about it later, I've got a toad to find right now."
"Bye," Harry smirked as the girl left. That was one, all he had to do now was add every other attractive female in Hogwarts.
"Why're you two so interested in a book?" Ron blinked.
"Reading is fundamental," Harry replied. "Oh so fundamental."
"Whatever," Ron waved it off. "So what house do . . . is that the toad that she was looking for?"
"Looks like it," Harry nodded. "I'll toss him in with Scabbers and Foamy so he doesn't get lost."
"Are you sure they won't hurt him?" Ron asked in a disinterested tone.
"I'll stay behind to watch them while you go get someone that's looking for this toad," Harry smiled. "That way we can make sure that the toad doesn't get hurt."
"Ok," Ron shrugged anything was better than being in a compartment with this weardo.
Ron left and Harry watched in facanation as Scabbers approached the toad and bared his teeth.
"Well," Harry mused. "I didn't expect to see that."
Trever blinked his eye and shot out his tongue hitting Scabbers in the side of his head and sending him flying. Jumping across the cage to pursue his adversary, Trever landed on Scabbers and gave him several powerful kicks.
"And I certainly didn't expect to see that," Harry and Foamy watched in shock as Scabbers suffered a brutal beating at the hands of Neville's toad.
"I heard Harry Potter was on the train," Malfoy opened the door and made his first appearance.
"Um . . ." Come to think of it, he never had thought of any elaborate plans to deal with Draco. "Well . . ."
"Out with it you imbecile," Draco sneered.
"Ok," Harry repeatedly kicked the boy in the groin until he fell onto the ground. "Sorry but it was the best I could come up with on such short notice."
Malfoy's two thuggish bodyguards shared a glance and took a menacing step forward.
"Oh, I'm sorry." Harry gave an evil smirk, "did you two want some too?"
Malfoy's two thuggish bodyguards shared a glance and took a not so menacing step back.
"That's what I though," Harry nodded.
The three boys left and Harry went back to watching Trever administer Wormtail's much deserved punishment.
The rest of the train ride passed and before he knew it, Harry was about to be sorted.
"Hmmmm, looks like you've been here before." The Hat muttered to itself.
"Can I have a private room?" Harry muttered, "or better yet a privet wing of the castle . . . I have big plans and I'm going to need a lot of space."
"Yes I see," the Hat agreed. "It would be much more difficult to build such a large Harem if you were confined to one house."
"Great," Harry smirked. "I knew that I could count on you."
"My pleasure," the Hat replied. "It was nice to have an intelligent conversation for once."
"We'll have to do this again some time," Harry smirked.
"That we shall," the hat agreed again. "HE GETS HIS OWN HOUSE."
"WHAT?" The Headmaster's eyes bugged out, "what are you talking about."
"Are you def as well as stupid?" The Hat retorted, "he gets his own set of rooms . . . the east wing of the castle I think."
"And who will be his head of house?" Dumbledore couldn't believe that he was losing to a hat.
"Ask him," the Hat retorted. "It's his house."
"What?" And losing.
"Thanks hat," Harry took it off and put it back on the chair. "I couldn't have done it without your help."
"Go sit sit with the Gryffindors," Dumbledore made the snap decision to ignore the hat. "And we'll figure all this out later."
"No," Harry shook his head. "We're not going to be doing that, I got my own house and I'm going to keep my own house and you'll have to talk to my head of house if you want me to do anything."
"Then Minerva can be your . . ."
"Nope," Harry shook his head. "She wasn't a member of my house so she can't be my head of house, so sorry."
"I see," Dumbledore nodded. "What's the name of your house?"
"I can't tell you that sir," Harry glanced around suspiciously. "The walls have noses."
"I . . . see?" Dumbledore had never had such an uncooperative student, "do whatever you want then."
"Really?" Harry looked like he was ready to jump with joy and Dumbledore realised that he had just made a monstrously large mistake, "YAY."
"Wait . . ." Dumbledore watched as the boy-who-lived ran out of the hall screaming, "I didn't mean it like that."
"Well," Dumbledore looked at all the shocked students. "What do you say we forget about all that and get on with the sorting?"
The entire hall seemed to shrug and the sorting continued.
The hours turned into more hours which turned into even more hours and before anyone knew it, it was time for their first potions class.
"Ah Mr. Potter," Snape sneered. "Our resident ce . . ."
"Let me guess," Harry interrupted. "You're planning to ask me a bunch of questions that aren't on the curriculum and then take points away if I get the answers wrong, why don't you just take points now? That is unless you're . . . chicken."
"Nobody calls Severius Snape Chicken," Snape rose to the challenge. "Fifty points from Gryffindor."
"I'm not in Gryffindor you idiot," Harry smirked. "And make it a hundred . . . chicken."
"Fine," Snape nodded coldly. "A thousand points from . . . what's your house's name?"
"Slythereen," Harry replied. "What are you gonna do about it?"
"You can't be in Slytherin," Snape sneered. "Now tell me your house you arrogant little twit."
"I'm not in Slytherin you ignoramus," Harry shook his head in mock sorrow. "It's pathetic that such a stupid teacher would be hired by the supposed greatest school in the wizarding world."
"If you're not in Slytherin then what house are you in?" Snape was starting to look like Foamy because he was starting to foam at the mouth.
"Slythereen you idiot," Harry was going to have to buy a Pensieve. "What in the hell is wrong with you, don't you know how to listen?"
"Fifty thousand points from Slythereen," Snape screamed. "And get out, all of you get out."
Harry walked out with a smirk on his face, make that a very large Pensieve.
Walking out of the potions class and to his flying lesson, Harry decided to think of a way that he could play quidditch . . . well until he built his harem and recruited his players from its ranks of course.
"Hey," Harry walked up to the flying instructor. "I heard one of the other students say that those who can't teach, is it true that you're incompetence on a broom is only rivaled by your stupidity like they said or is it true that your skill with a broom is only rivaled by your extraordinary beauty like I originally thought?"
"Who said that?" Madame Hooch asked with a twitch.
"Malfoy," Harry replied innocently. "I told him that I thought he was wrong but he insisted that he was right."
"Really?"
"Yup," Harry nodded. "So could you show me how to fly so that I can dazzle him with my ability and prove that your skill was just too immense for his tiny brain to comprehend?"
"Ok," the professor nodded. "Why don't you challenge him to a fly off, him against you in say . . . three weeks, then we'll see what's what."
"Ok," Harry nodded scurrying off. Making people's lives hell sure was hard work, and speaking of living in hell, he finally had a plan to free Sirius
Dear Minister Fudge
You may not know me, but my name is Harry Potter and I need your help. I think that a man is doing things to one of my friends and I need you to come and save the day because my lawyer told me that you can do anything and I know that you can help. I understand that you are busy but I hope you can find the time to do this.
Signed
Harry James Potter
Harry looked at the letter, it seemed childish enough . . . but it was missing something. Harry's smile turned evil, what it was missing was the proper delivery.
Dear Evil Lawyer in my Employ
I'd appreciate it if you would contact the Minister and give him the enclosed letter and I would appreciate it if you would imply that I wrote it on your advice. Please set up a time when the Minister can come to Hogwarts and please see that he is accompanied by several Aurors and several members of the Press. I've found a way to deal with that other matter that I asked you about also.
Sincerely
Harry James Potter
Harry nodded, Sirius would be free in no time and Wormtail would suffer until he got broken out of prison in a few months or years.
The Minister stormed in a few hours later followed by a large group of Aurors and reporters.
"Hello . . ."
"Where's Harry Potter?" Fudge interrupted.
"I don't see why . . ."
"I'm here sir," Harry interrupted. "And I'm so glad you came."
"Don't worry," the Minister patted the boy on the head and gave the reporters a shot that would appear on several front pages. "I'm here now."
"It . . ." Harry let a few tears drop, it was amazing what you could do with potions. "It was horrible, Ron's pet rat is a man and I think he's been doing things to the boys."
"What?" Fudge schooled his expression into one of stern anger. "Show him to me."
"Yes sir," Harry nodded. "Come with me, he's in this cage with my pet rat Foamy."
Fudge motioned for two large imposing Aurors to grab the poor rat and pull him out of the cage.
"Check him," Fudge sneered down at the rat.
"It's me," Peter transformed without any prompting. "I admit it, I betrayed the Potters, I framed Sirius, take me to Azkaban . . . take me away from him, take me away from the explosive castration hexes, the dark lord rat, the evil toad that is always attacking me, the owl that can vaporise things with her sight, the . . ."
One of the Aurors stunned the man, then another, and another, and pretty soon all the Aurors were shooting stunners.
"Umm," the Minister frowned. How in the hell was he going to spin this so that he looked like the hero, an innocent man going to prison wasn't going to look too good come election day.
"Wow," the Lawyer took the Minister's hand. "I can't believe what a tireless crusader for justice we have as our Minister."
"Tireless Crusader?" Fudge perked up, that sounded good.
"Yup," The Lawyer nodded. "You learned that Sirius Black had ben sent to Azkaban without a trial and you were determined to prove him innocent, what a guy."
"Wow," Harry looked at the Minister with an expression of awe. "That's why you came so quickly after reading my letter, you knew that he was an illegal Animagus, you must have been trying to track him down all these years."
"You'll have a landslide reelection when people hear about this," the Lawyer added.
"A landslide you say?" Fudge smiled, "release Sirius Black and give this man the Kiss."
"Stern but fair," the Lawyer nodded, "stern but fair."