Disclaimer: I'm not going to admit that I wrote this.

Three Blacks and a Lovegood

"Welcome Home Ron," Molly hugged her youngest son. "How was school."

"It was great," Ron replied enthusiastically. "I had all sorts of wacky adventures."

"Wacky?" Molly shook it off, "tell me about your friend Harry."

"Well," Ron smiled. "Despite the fact that I wasn't mentioned in the story until now, Harry and I had a lot of fun together."

"Oh," Molly smiled. "Maybe we can have him over this summer."

"No," Ron's eyes widened and his head shook in denial. "We can't!"

"Why not?" Molly was confused by her son's attitude, "I thought he was your friend."

"He is mum," Ron nodded. "My best friend, but it wouldn't be a good idea to invite him over."

"I'm sure he won't mind that we don't have much," Molly tried to assure her son.

"That's right mum," Ron nodded. "He wouldn't care at all about that, I'm worried about Ginny."

"What's wrong with Ginny?" Molly had an odd look on her face, "I'll have a talk with her and tell her that she's not to bother Harry with her crush."

"That wouldn't work mum," Ron shook his head. "He'd have her added to his harem by the end of the week."

"What?" Molly did not expect to hear something like that.

"The only solution I can figure is to keep them apart," Ron added. "I've taken the liberty of doing a bit of research, now it means that we won't be able to buy any new school supplies . . . or any used school supplies but hear me out."

"Ok," Molly was sure that she was either in a dream, or possibly that her son had gone insane. Either way, it was best not to provoke him.

"I found an isolated all witch boarding school in the middle of Siberia," Ron smiled. "You can only get to it by using a portkey charmed by the head mistress and it's under some sort of charm that prevents you from finding it unless you've been invited by the headmistress. Now I'm sure that if we send Ginny there and never let Harry know that this school exists that we can keep Ginny out of Harry's Harem."

"What?" Molly was sure of it, the pressures of being away from his mum had driven poor Ron over the edge of insanity, she blamed herself for not going to visit him every week. "Let's go home dear, we'll get you a quiet place to rest and then you can tell me more about this plan to keep your sister isolated from anything male."

"Not anything," Ron protested. "Just away from Harry, he's a great guy but he has an odd obsession with building a harem."

"Lot's of boys have that," Molly patted Ron on the head. "And none of them ever succeed."

"Not Harry," Ron protested. "He's already got two in his harem and several other girls are seriously considering it."

"Whatever you say dear," Molly turned away from her youngest son and towards the twins. "I'm really proud of you two for behaving yourselves, I didn't get a single owl."

"We know," Fred gave a depressed smile. "Nothing we did could have surpassed what they did."

"We turned Snape's hair gold and scarlet and he just looked at us and told us he wasn't falling for that trick again," George looked like he was going to burst into tears. "And then . . . and then . . ."

"He gave us points and started cackling," Fred shook his head. "He said that . . . I, I can't go on."

"You poor dears." Molly was sure of it, her children had gone insane because of separation issues. Those books had warned her that sending her sons off to boarding school would give them abandonment issues, she knew she should have moved the family closer to Hogwarts so that she could come into the castle every day and give them their morning hugs in the great hall . . . but what if it wasn't just her sons? What if all the children were suffering from abandonment issues . . . those poor dears.

Around the British isles, most every student of Hogwarts had a sudden and unexplainable feeling of dread . . . something bad was going to happen.

Molly's resolve firmed, she was going to save all those poor children from loneliness and insanity. She . . . she may have been too late for her own sons, but she wasn't going to let another mother go through the same heartache that she was suffering.

"Hello Mother," Percy joined his family. "How are you doing today?"

"Oh Percy," Molly's arms enveloped her four sons and pulled them close and she started sobbing. "It's ok boys, mummy's here now, mummy will make it all better."

The boys were stunned at their mother's reaction, looked like having Ron going away from home had a profound effect on the poor woman. They hated to think of how she'd react when it was time for Ginny to leave. Silently catching each other's eyes, the four brothers nodded to each other. They would have to find a way to keep their mother from sinking into a deep depression.

IIIIIIIIII

"Mum, dad." Hermione rushed to her parents, "I missed you."

"We missed you too honey," Hermione's father smiled. "How was school?"

"You seem to have gotten past that rough start," her mother agreed.

"Well," Hermione smiled. "I've made some new friends and I've joined a harem, it's great."

"That's nice dear." Hermione's father smiled, he'd figure out what 'harem' really meant later. "Tell us about your friends."

"Well," Hermione smiled. "There's Myrtle, she's also in the harem. She used to be a ghost till Harry figured out a way to bring her back. And there's Harry, it's his harem. He started it because . . ."

IIIIIIIIII

"What'd you wanna do this summer Harry?" Sirius asked with a smile.

"How about taking the alias Mr. Black and traveling around the world?" Harry suggested, "I can have all sorts of adventures and convince everyone that I'm some sort of super man."

"Maybe when you're older," Sirius smiled. "Next suggestion."

"How about we go to Gringotts and do some sort of inheritance ritual?" Harry nodded, "then I can find out that I'm the Lord of Azkaban or something and start building up my Army for the final confrontation with Voldemort."

"That's been done already," Sirius shook his head. "Besides, why would you want to go to Azkaban? That place really sucks, take my word for it."

"We could get a spell that allows us to unlock our Past Lives," Harry smiled. "Then I could gain all sorts of cool skills but never use them."

"No," Sirius shook his head. "Just . . . no."

"Ok," Harry frowned. "I've heard that there were some quarter Veela going to a magical school in France."

"Where are you going with this?" Sirius frowned, this could ruin the plot planned for one of the later chapters.

"Just making conversation," Harry shrugged. "How about we free the Malfoy's house elf? That way I won't have to deal with him trying to save me this summer."

"Sounds like a plan," Sirius nodded. "Let's go."

IIIIIIIIII

Sirius and Harry approached the Malfoy Mansion singing a happy tune and carrying several gallons of gasoline. (Sung to the tune of Micky Mouse)

"Fire, Fire, Fire, Fire"

"Burn, Burn, Burn, Burn"

"Light a match and watch it drop into the gasoline," Harry began.

"G A S," Sirius began.

"O L I," Harry took up his part.

"EEEE n," Sirius smiled.

"Gasoline"

"Let 'em burn"

"Gasoline"

"Watch 'em melt"

"Let their ashes waft into the air"

"Air"

"Air"

"Ai . . ."

"What are you doing?" The head of the Malfoy family interrupted their cheerful song.

"Hey cousin in law," Sirius gave the man a big hug. "How ya doing?"

"Get off me"

"We're committing Arson," Harry chipped in. "Wanna help?"

"No I don't want to help," he reached for his wand. " I want . . . what are you doing?"

"Light the match and watch it gleem," Harry ignored the man and tossed the match into one of the larger puddles of gasoline WUMP.

"Arg," the head of the Malfoy family began casting fire suppression charms. "Look at my outfit."

"Looks ruined," Harry nodded.

"Catch," Sirius drenched the man with the flammable liquid.

"Yay," Harry lit another match.

"Get that away from me," Lucius began tearing off his clothes and throwing them as far away from him as possible . . . and right into the hands of a dozen house elves.

"Hey Dobby," Harry looked down at the small group of house elves in shock. "Are there any more elves working for the Malfoy family?"

"No Harry Potter sir," Dobby shook his large head.

"Do all you elves wanna come work for me?"

"Yes Harry Potter sir," the elves nodded.

"Then let's get out of here before the Aurors arrive," Sirius suggested with a grin.

"Sounds like a plan," Harry nodded.

"We can hide out with my cousin Andy," Sirius suggested. "They'll never think to look for us there."

"We don't have to hide out," Harry reminded his god father. "We arranged air tight alibis before hand."

"Oh yeah," Sirius nodded. "Let's visit my cousin anyway."

"Ok," Harry nodded. "Let's go."

Sirius, Harry, and a dozen or so house elves popped out of the Malfoy Lands and reappeared in front of a nice looking house.

Walking forward with a grin, Sirius knocked on the door.

"Yes?" The door was answered by a young girl with pink hair, "what is it?"

"What's up Nym," Harry pulled the girl into a hug. "I'm Harry and this is your cousin Sirius . . . wanna be in my Harem?"

"I'm a harem by myself," the Girl smirked. "Do you really think you could handle me?"

"I could handle you all day if you let me," Harry nodded. "Should I put you down as a maybe?"

Harry spent a quiet summer and committed relatively few felonies as he was distracted by his many attempts to convince Tonks to join his harem.

"Fine," Tonks agreed towards the end of the summer. "I'll join your harem, now will you stop bothering me about it?"

"Just as soon as you officially join," Harry nodded. "I'll send over the paperwork."

"Great, whatever." Tonks liked kids but this one was just weird, "why do you want me in your harem so much anyway?"

"Lot's of reasons," Harry replied. "You're beautiful and smart and I like you."

"Oh," Tonks nodded. "You just think I'm beautiful because I change myself to look that way, I'm sure you'll find . . ."

"No," Harry shook his head. "I think you're beautiful because I've been watching you shower."

"What?"

"You really should get into the habit of checking for monitoring charms if you're going to be an Auror," Harry nodded.

"So you've seen the real me?"

"Yup," Harry nodded. "And I liked what I saw."

"Ok," Tonks nodded. "I'll be in your harem."

"Yay," Harry cheered.

"But first, I'm gonna beat the living snot out of you." Tonks began chasing Harry around the house, "put monitoring charms in my room? Watch me shower? Get back here you little brat."

Harry managed to escape with minor injuries and decided that it would be prudent to go to the station early rather than risk setting Tonks off again.

"Hermione," Harry called out when he noticed the bushy haired girl on the platform. "How are you?"

"I'm great," Hermione gave Harry a hug. "Let's go find a compartment."

"Ok," Harry nodded.

They got on the train and found a compartment with only a small blond girl reading an upside down newspaper.

"Can we sit here with you?" Harry called out in greeting.

"If you want," Luna blinked, "aren't you that strange boy who burst into my house and saved my mother a few years ago?"

"Yup," Harry nodded. "Wanna join my Harem?"

"Will there be pie?" Luna's nose scrunched up.

"If you want," Harry nodded again.

"Ok"

"Just tell the hat that you're in my harem when you put it on," Harry suggested. "Oh, and ask it if it wants to be my deputy head of house?"

"Ok," Luna went back to her newspaper.

Harry smiled, the first day of school and he had already doubled the size of his harem. This was going to be a great year.

The three spent the ride talking about Harry's harem and debating the existence of Nargles and only stopped when the door to the compartment opened.

"Potter," Draco glared. It was time for the traditional Malfoy walk around the train to annoy the other students.

"Draco," Harry greeted the boy like a long lost friend. "Just who I've been wanting to talk to."

"What?" This wasn't the way it was supposed to go.

"Could you introduce me to your mother?" Harry smiled, "she'd make a great addition to my Harem. Yum yum gimme some."

"Stay away from my mum Potter," Draco screamed nervously.

"Come on Draco," Harry pleaded. "She's hot, and what about your aunt Bellatrix? Can I have her too?"

"I'm telling you to stay away from my mum and my aunt too." Draco stared at the other boy in shock. "And don't try to burn my house down again."

"Fine," Harry nodded. "I won't try to burn your house down . . . if you give me your mum and aunt."

"WHAT?' Draco's eyes widened.

"If you're going to be so difficult about this then you can leave," Harry crossed his arms. "And I'll just talk to your father about this."

"Fine," Draco scowled. His father would straighten things out.

As Draco left, Harry started digging around for a quill and some paper. Writing out a quick note, he handed it to Hermione.

"What do you think?"

"Hey Lucy," she read aloud. "It has come to my attention that you don't want me to burn down your house, it has also come to my attention that you have a secret room that you'd rather not have the Department of Magical Law Enforcement know about. I want your wife and sister in law as members of my harem and it seems to me that you might be able to think of a way for both of us to get what we want. Signed Harry."

"Well?" Harry asked. "How was it?"

"Simple and to the point," Hermione nodded.

"I think it will work," Luna added.

"Great," Harry smiled this was going to be the best year ever and he couldn't wait to see the look on Draco's face.

IIIIIIIIII

"Lovegood, Luna." McGonagall called out.

Luna walked up to the hat and put it on her head.

"Hmmm," the Hat hmmmed. "Yes, I'll agree to be the deputy head of Harry's house . . . next."

"You didn't say which house you were intending to put Ms. Lovegood in," Dumbledore pointed out.

"She goes into Harry's Harem," the hat replied. "Next."

It took several minutes for the shock to wear off and the sorting to continue. To the surprise of no one, two more girls elected to join Harry's Harem . . . one of witch (Get it? Get it?) was Ginny Weasly.

"NOOOOOOO," Ron broke into tears. He knew he should have tried harder to get his mother to listen, he knew he shouldn't have let her mother him so much this summer.

The twins just slumped further in their seats, how were they ever supposed to compete with this boy? First he gets his own wing of the castle, then he drives Snape insane, and now he has the sorting hat recruiting for his harem? They couldn't win, it was just too much.

IIIIIIIIII

It took a few days for Lucius to send an appropriate response and it shocked everyone.

"Harry," Hermione read aloud. "Deal, they'll arrive by portkey within the hour. Signed, Lucius Malfoy."

"That was easy," Harry blinked.

Minutes later, Narcissa Malfoy and a large steamer trunk arrived in Harry's common room.

"Hello," Harry waved. "Welcome to my harem . . . where's Bellatrix?"

"She's in the trunk," Narcissa explained. "She insisted on traveling this way."

"Oh," Harry blinked. "That was unexpected."

IIIIIIIIII

"Hey Neville," Harry walked up to the other student. "I just wanted you to know that I put Bellatrix Lestrange in my harem."

"How could you," Neville looked at his friend in shock. "She tortured my parents."

"Turns out she didn't," Harry shrugged. "You'd be surprised what you can learn when you use a little Veritaserum and you can learn even more if you use massive doses of the stuff."

"And?"

"And apparently the Lestrange brothers are more interested in each other than they were in Bellatrix," Harry shrugged. "She was too busy cooing over you and planning to raise you as some sort of dark heir to torture your parents."

"Dark heir?"

"Maternal instinct," Harry shook his head. "She saw you and forgot all about your parents, she planned to rename you Orion and to make you into the next dark lord . . . woman's got issues."

"Yeah," Neville blinked.

"Well I just thought you'd wanna know," Harry smiled. "And I thought I'd warn you that she hasn't given up the idea of turning you into the next dark lord."

"WHAT?" Neville's eyes widened in shock, "but I'm not a baby anymore."

"Well she's been asking about you," Harry smirked. "I told her what house you were in and she replied that Mommy's little dark lord was so cunning, tricking everyone into thinking that he had no intention of going on a reign of terror."

"But I don't," Neville protested.

"Sure you don't," Harry smirked. "You don't have to pretend with me."

"But . . ."

"Oh," Harry nodded. "She wanted me to tell you that she expects you to build yourself a harem too and to and she wants to give you the key to the Lestrange vault."

"But . . ."

"She already escaped the other day and made you the sole heir of the family," Harry ignored the other boy's look of shock. "And eliminated the Lestrange brothers to prevent them from being a threat to her little Orion."

"But . . ."

"I recaptured her," Harry assured the boy. "And she's being very well behaved . . . still insists that I chain her to the wall though."

"But . . ."

"She sent a letter to the Slytherin common room," Harry found this endlessly amusing. "Declaring that every girl in the house was yours to do with as you see fit."

"I . . ."

"One would think that there would be some objections," Harry shook his head. "But they all agreed to it, Draco was jealous of course . . . demanded that they all join his harem."

"I . . ."

"So the girls used some sort of spell or potion on him to change him into a girl and told him that he could now have a part in the harem," Harry smiled at the memory. "Took him a while but he managed to change back to normal."

"I . . ."

"But not before Bellatrix added him to your harem, worked out some sort of deal with his mother." Harry laughed. "Now the girls have been trying to find him to change him back into a girl so that she can take her place at your feet."

"I . . ."

"Draco's been hiding though," Harry shrugged. "No one knows where he is but some suspect that he's in Snape's office."

"I . . ."

"Well," Harry nodded. "I'm glad we had this talk, goodbye Nevile."

"I . . ." It took three hours before the shock wore off and the boy managed to reboot his brain.

AN: Happy Bar Mitzvah Gohan'slittlebro47 .