Disclaimer: This is all Apasco's fault. I got even with him though . . . no one expects the hot soup shooting out the nose hex.

Hundreds and Hundreds

"There's mummy's little dark lord," Bellatrix had escaped again. "How are you doing sweetie?"

"Arg," Neville tried to escape from the insane woman's embrace.

"Awww," Bellatrix kissed him on the forehead. "I hear that you haven't been enjoying your harem."

"You tortured my parents into insanity," Neville protested. "What makes you think I'll urk."

"I killed the bad men who did that," Bellatrix tightened her hold. "They wouldn't give me a baby so I found my own, my sweet little dark lord."

"Huh?" This was not the way he expected the confrontation to work.

"I just came out find that nasty little girl that keeps trying to escape from your harem," Bellatrix patted him on the head. "Then I'm going right back to my dungeon . . . now where is that niece of mine?"

It was at that point Neville started crying, this wasn't the way his confrontation with Bellatrix Lestrange was supposed to happen. They were supposed to fight some sort of evil battle with spells flashing, half the time he visualised her crucioing him and then being defeated after she let up on her curse to gloat. She certainly wasn't supposed to hold him close and tell him that everything would be ok and that . . . she would find Malfoy and force him/her into his harem.

"Don't worry my little dark lord," Bellatrix cooed. "Mummy's charms are much stronger than those of some silly school girls, Draco'll never figure out a way to undo my work." For some reason that Bellatrix couldn't understand, that only made Neville cry harder.

"Hey Bellatrix, Neville, what's wrong?" Harry had been hiding behind the corner watching things develop and he thought it was time to enter the scene.

"My poor little dark lord has a girl who won't enter his harem and he's a bit disappointed," Bellatrix held Neville close. "I chewed through those ropes you used to tie me up to so that I could come out here and comfort him."

"You're the one who asked me to tie you up," Harry shrugged. "But I think I understand, maybe it would be best to just let him capture the girl himself."

"Really?" Bellatrix blinked, "do you think so?"

"I don't know," Harry shrugged. "But I'm guessing that a dark lord of his calabre would let her run and hide for a while."

"That's true," Bellatrix gave Neville another affectionate pat on the head. "He even joined Gryffindor to make people think he wasn't going to start a reign of terror, what a smart little boy he is."

"Um . . . right," Harry shrugged. "Want to go back to the dungeon now?"

"Ok," Bellatrix nodded. "Now be a good little dark lord while mummy's gone."

IIIIIIIIII

Ginny was happy, an entire summer of hearing Ron campaign to have her exiled to an all girl's school in Russia had convinced her that she was pretty and the reason for Ron's . . . issues made her even more happy. Harry's Harem, Ginny blushed, granted she had to share him with several other girls but Harry was hers, her childhood dream had come true.

Ignoring as a sobbing Neville ran by, Ginny gave a letter to one of the post owls and sent it on to her mother.

Behind her, Neville was sending off a letter of his own. His Gran would set things right, she'd figure out a way to keep that crazy woman away from him and to prevent Draco from turning into a woman and ending up in the harem of Neville Longbottom . . . well, maybe just prevent Draco from ending up in the harem.

IIIIIIIIIII

Neville's Gran stormed into the great hall and froze everyone with her gaze.

"What can I do for you Augusta?" Dumbledore smiled.

"Where is Bellatrix Lestrange?" Augusta's scowl deepened.

"I'm afraid that I don't know," Dumbledore confessed.

"You don't know?" Augusta's tone was as cold as ice.

"You can't expect me to know everything," Dumbledore shrugged. "And it's not like she's just going to show up and say, 'here I am'"

"Here I am," Bellatrix walked into the great hall. "Mummy just wanted to make sure that her little dark lord's harem of dark consorts was taking care of him."

Instantly, Neville was surrounded by Slytherin girls who fed him, groomed him, and cuddled him.

"What are you doing?" Augusta asked with a scowl.

"I'm just taking care of my little dark lord," Bellatrix smiled. "He's so cute isn't he?"

"While I do admit that he's adorable," Augusta nodded. "The fact remains that you're still one of the people who tortured his parents into insanity."

"No I'm not," Bellatrix shook her head. "I was to busy taking care of my little dark lord when those bad men did that."

"Really?" Augusta blinked.

"Yup," Bellatrix nodded. "But don't worry, I took care of those two bad men for my little Orion."

"Orion?"

"My widdle dark lord," Bellatrix looked over at Neville with an adoring expression on her face.

"I . . . see," Augusta nodded. "What are your intentions towards my grandson?"

"I want him to have a big harem of dark consorts and to go on a reign of terror so large that his name will be feared for the rest of time," Bellatrix explained.

"Well," Augusta sat at one of the tables and motioned for Bellatrix to sit across from her. "I can't say I don't have problems with a few of those ideas."

"Like what?" Bellatrix sat down.

"Well," Augusta began. "First of all, I'd like him to keep his current name. Why don't we make Orion his middle name?"

"Neville Orion Longbottom?" Bellatrix nodded, "I suppose that sounds good . . . but only if I can still call him Orion."

"Fine," Augusta nodded. "Second, I don't want him to become a dark lord."

"Why not?" Bellatrix was confused, didn't everyone want their children to become dark lords?

"Because the more time he spends on his reign of terror the less time he spends with his dark consorts," Augusta explained. "And I want as many great grandbabies as possible."

"Grandbabies?" A look of delight crossed Bellatrix's face.

"Hundreds and Hundreds of them," Augusta nodded.

"Ok," Bellatrix nodded. "I suppose I can give up my dream of Orion becoming a dark lord if he agrees to provide me with hundreds of grandbabies."

"Neville?" Augusta turned to look at her grandson who was currently buried under a swarm of Slytherin girls.

"Yes Gran?" Came Neville's muffled response.

"You don't have to be a dark lord anymore," she replied. "But on one condition."

"Yes?"

"You have to provide Bellatrix and I with hundreds of great grandbabies," Augusta replied.. "Understand?"

"Hundreds?" Neville sounded faint.

"Yes Hundreds," Bellatrix confirmed.

As he watched this, Ron didn't know what to think. On the one hand, Neville had a harem and on the other they were all Slytherins. Blinking, Ron came to a conclusion. "Better you than me Neville."

"There you are," Molly burst into the great hall. "My poor little Ronnikins, you must miss your mummy so much."

"Ack," Ron was torn from his breakfast and assaulted by his mother's mothering.

"Hey Ronnikins," Flint came over to laugh at Ron's misfortune. "I bet you ack."

"Such a poor dear," Molly latched on to the next boy. "I understand that your attitude is just your way of compensating for how much you miss your mother."

"You . . . you know?" Tears started falling down the Slytherin boy's cheeks, "I miss my mummy so much."

"It's ok dear," Molly patted the boy on the back. "Let it all out, I'm here for you."

"I want my mummy," Flint sobbed.

"We'll write to her after this," Molly promised. "And we'll see if we can get her to come."

"Mummy"

IIIIIIIIII

"So what are your plans now?" Sirius asked with a grin.

"We've got to find a way to trick Lockheart into coming to Hogwarts," Harry replied.

"We could tell him that there's a monster to destroy," the Sorting Hat suggested. "There is Slytherin's little pet in the chamber of secrets."

"Dumb coward wouldn't come near the place if that happened," Harry frowned. "But we could tell him that we already destroyed it, then he'd come to suck out our memories."

"Sounds like a plan," Sirius nodded. "Did you ever get around to destroying that diary?"

"Oops," Harry blushed. "Let's get right to that."

Sirius, Harry, and the hat walked (or were carried in the case of the hat) over to Ginny's room.

"Hi Gin Rummy," Harry smirked at the blushing girl. "It's come to our attention that your diary is a dark object that's being possessed by Voldemort's younger self."

"WHAT?" The young girl glanced at the item fearfully.

"So I'd like to trade you this new diary and a kiss for that one," Harry pulled out a new book. "So we can destroy it and make Voldemort's life a living hell."

"Ok," Ginny nodded. "Now where's my kiss?"

Harry gave her a kiss and exchanged books.

"What're you going to do with it?" Sirius looked down at the evil object.

"Well," Harry began. "I was going to put it in a toilet."

"Kinky," Sirius nodded.

"Exactly, Voldemort's spirit might like that . . . and it didn't work last time." Harry nodded, "so I was thinking that we just subject it to every corrosive and damaging thing we can think of until it gets destroyed."

"Sounds good to me," the Hat agreed.

IIIIIIIIII

"You said that you destroyed a monster snake?" Lockheart asked with a charming grin.

"Yeppers," Harry agreed. "And I'll tell you all about it so you can wipe my memory and take the credit later."

"What?" The handsome man stared at the boy in shock.

"But first I'd like to have an exhibition duel in the great hall," Harry continued. "I want everyone to see why you're the greatest threat to dark creatures since Mr. Black."

"Who?" The boy was obviously insane.

"Lord Pontanious Black?" Harry blinked, "the head of Magical Law Enforcement in 1837, famous for defeating numerous dark creatures."

"Right," the narcissistic man nodded. "Forgot about him."

"Well then let's go," Harry led the man to the great hall.

"Attention everyone," Lockheart called out. "Young Mr. Potter and I am going to hold an exhibition duel for your enjoyment." If he couldn't beat a second year then he'd just tell people that he was going easy on the boy, what's the worst that could happen? A tickling Jinx? Does anyone else see where this is going?"

"Take your places," Sirius had agreed to judge the duel. "And begin."

"I'll let you have the first spell boy," Lockheart's teeth shined. "It's only fair."

"Ok," Harry mustered his powers . . . does anyone not know which spell he's going to use? "Explosivo Castrado."

Lockheart gave a high pitched scream and collapsed to the ground in agony.

"What?" Harry noticed that every eye in the great hall had fallen on him, "I though he was going to dodge or block it or something . . . he was supposed to be a great fighter wasn't he?"

"But who are we supposed to obsess over now?" Parvati and Lavender looked like they were close to tears.

"Well . . . there's always a space in my harem," Harry's suggested. "You're sister can come to if she wants Parvati."

IIIIIIIIII

"That sure was an eventful year," Harry shook his head as he sat in a compartment full of girls. "I hurt Lockheart so bad that he'll never bother anyone again, I destroyed an object that contained part of Voldemort's disembodied soul, and I killed a giant Basilisk."

"When did you do that?" Hermione asked with a frown.

"Yeah, I don't remember you saying anything about that?" Lavender agreed.

"I took care of it right before we all got on the train," Harry replied. "About an hour ago."

"Oh," the girls nodded. "How'd you do it?"

"I cast a hex on it that caused hot soup to shoot out it's nose," Harry replied. "It's one of the darker spells I know . . . would be considered an unforgivable if it weren't for the fact that banning a charm that makes hot soup shoot out someone's nose would make the Minister who did it a laughing stock."

"Why?"

"Come on," Harry laughed. "It's a charm that makes hot soup shoot out someone's nose, how dumb is that?"

"I guess that makes sense," Hermione nodded. "From a wizarding standpoint."

"And the really dark wizards never use it," Harry added. "It's not dignified enough for them."

IIIIIIIIII

"Mum," Hermione ran up to her parents. "Dad, guess what?"

"What is it hon," Her father patted her fondly on the head.

"More girls have joined the harem," Hermione smiled. "I've got lots of friends now."

Over her head, Hermione's mother mouthed the word 'harem?'

'Some sort of club,' her father replied silently.

IIIIIIIIII

"So what do you want to do this summer?" Sirius yawned.

"Let's torment Remus," Harry suggested. "We haven't done that yet."

"What was supposed to happen?" Sirius frowned.

"You were supposed to escape and terrorise the wizarding world," Harry replied in an uninterested tone. "It wasn't very fun."

"Then why don't we spend the summer on a beach or something?" Sirius suggested, "or maybe we could commit some crimes and frame your uncle."

"Why not do both?"

IIIIIIIIII

A bank in London, three hours later.

"Nobody Move," Vernon cried out. "And Give Us All Your Money."

"Yeah," Dudley agreed. "And Don't Try Anything Funny, I'm Crazy, I'll Kill All Of You And Then I'll Do Things To Your Corpses."

"Do things?" The bank manager asked nervously.

"Yes," Vernon nodded. "Do Things."

"But," the manager looked around nervously. "This is a blood bank . . . we don't have any money."

"Oh," Vernon scratched his head.

"I knew I shouldn't have let you pick the bank," Dudley shook his head in disgust. "Where's the nearest real bank?"

"There isn't one around here I'm afraid," the bank manager didn't want to die. "Please don't kill me."

"Ok," Dudley shrugged. "Let's go daddio."

"Don't call me that Dudders," Vernon shook his head. "And let's get out of here."

Vernon and Dudley rushed out of the bank and into a nearby alley way.

"Got the portkey?" Dudley looked around nervously.

"Yup," Vernon nodded. "Did you remember to drop picture id and a current address?"

"You know it," Dudley nodded. "Let's get out of here.

IIIIIIIIII

"YOU DID WHAT?" Remus stared at his friend and his other friend's son in shock.

"Tried to rob a bank," Sirius sighed. "But it was the wrong kind of bank."

"Do you know what could happen?" Remus shook his head, "you could go back to prison."

"Relax," Harry waved off the concern. "The police won't even be looking for us."

"What do you mean?" Remus knew he should have met them at the station, only he could curb their . . . ideas.

"Don't worry about that," Sirius smiled. "We were going to spend the summer in Thailand . . . wanna come?"

"Yes," Remus nodded. "We've got to get out of this country before the Aurors find us."

"Well . . . he agreed," Harry shrugged. "Let's go."

"Ok," Sirius shrugged.

IIIIIIIIII

"We identified the suspects in that blood bank job," Detective RandomGuy tossed a folder onto his partner's desk. "Vernon and Dudley Dursley."

"The untouchable Dursley family?" His partner looked up in shock. "Does this mean that we can finally put them away?"

"I don't know," Detective RandomGuy shrugged. "I just don't know."