Disclaimer: I didn't write this . . . a . . . um . . . lawn gnome did.
The Dark Log
"What's this?" Dumbledore smiled as Hedwig flew through his window, "and he's sending me new Lemon Drops as an apology for what he did to my other lemon drops."
"Hoot," Hedwig agreed.
"Why what a remarkable bird," Dumbledore admired Hedwig's plumage. "Very intelligent eyes too."
"Hoot?" Dumbledore's eyes twinkled and Hedwig's narrowed, she wasn't going to let him beat her in a staring contest. "HOOT."
The old wizard dodged out of the way, not soon enough to keep his hat but soon enough to keep his head.
Satisfied that she had dealt with the interloper, Hedwig vaporised a few pieces of furniture and then a section of wall. Flying out the new exit, Hedwig vaporised a few small birds and disappeared into a low cloud bank . . . which she then proceeded to vaporise.
"That was close," Dumbledore breathed a sigh of relief. "Now let's get back to these lemon drops . . . hmmm . . . I wonder what LSD is? Harry says that he has added a large quantity of the stuff to my new lemon drops . . . well, no matter."
IIIIIIIIII
"I still don't understand why you're going to the world cup," Sirius frowned. "I just don't get it."
"hordes of Veela, the fact that I already know the outcome and can bet on that." Harry smirked, "and the chance to do something I've always wanted to do . . ."
"I don't want to hear it," Sirius frowned. "I never get any hordes of veela and I'm not allowed to gamble."
"Why not?" Harry's eyebrows raised, "did my mother forbid you from doing that too?"
"Yes," Sirius pouted. "She said that I wasn't to be a bad example and she gave me a list of things that I was no longer allowed to do."
"Oh . . . am I allowed to gamble?"
"Yes," Sirius nodded. "She thought it was manly to make high stakes wagers . . . especially if you already knew the outcome."
"Oh . . . ok," Harry shrugged. "I've gotta go see some veela about a harem."
"Have fun," Sirius continued to pout. "I'll just sit here and sip my non alcoholic drink."
"Mum again?"
"Yes," Sirius started crying.
"I'll just leave you to that then," Harry whistled as he walked away. Harry had placed his wager and was half way to the the veela pen when he froze . . . why was Sirius still obeying his mother's commands when she'd been dead for years? And . . . come to think about it, why had he listened to her in the first place? Making a mental note to worry about it later, Harry knocked on the door to the room containing his future harem girls.
"Yes?" A veela answered the door with a raised eyebrow, "what do you want?"
"I was hoping to pass out these pamphlets," Harry held up a stack of papers. "It's a recruitment ad for joining my harem."
"And just why would we want to join you harem little boy?" The veela smirked.
"First of all," Harry smiled. "It's all in the pamphlets, second of all . . . well, let's just say that there's nothing little about me."
"I . . . see," the veela's eyes widened in shock as she glanced at the pamphlet's first page. "What makes you think that you can handle a harem?"
"I've already got a harem," Harry smirked. "Who do you think printed out the pamphlets?"
"And they don't mind the fact that you're adding veela to it?"
"Page two forty three," Harry patted the woman on the shoulder. "And I printed a small map on the back with directions to my tent."
"Oh . . . oh . . . OOOOOh," the veela blushed.
"See you later," Harry smiled. "I have to get a few things arranged for the big show later tonight."
"The game?"
"After the game," Harry leered. "And before I introduce you all to the other girls in the harem."
The hours passed and the game went exactly the way it had in the previous time line . . . odd when you think about it, one would have guessed that all of Harry's meddling would have made things come out differently but it didn't and Harry made quite a bit of money from the payout on his wagers. The veela came to Harry's tent and Harry introduced them to the other girls and all was going well till the sounds of a hundred panicking wizards disturbed their . . . shall we say activities.
"Be right back," Harry grabbed his wand. "Just have to take care of something."
"What are you going to do?" One of the exhausted veela managed to raise her head.
"Nothing much," Harry stepped out of the tent and took a moment to admire the dark mark floating in the sky before he set to work. "I wonder if I can do this to all the marks? Ah well, back to the girls."
Harry walked back into the tent as the panicked screams turned to incredulous and disgusted stares. Beside the dark mark was an effige of the headmaster . . . sans clothing. The assorted crowds watched in shock as the headmaster image grabbed the green skull and proceeded to skull fuc . . . stop right now, this fic will not have its rating go up. Ahem, as the headmaster's image grabbed the green skull and proceeded to . . . do things to what had once been a feared symbol. As in interesting side note, the river of vomit that was spewed from the hundreds of assembled mouths sunk into the earth and contaminated the water supply for several months . . . but that's another story.
IIIIIIIIII
It was time to go back to Hogwarts so Harry was on the train to school and resting in his private train car surrounded by his many female companions and wondered for a moment if he had finally gotten enough revenge, if he could finally put the past behind him and work towards a new future unhindered by the baggage of his past life . . . naaaah, he still had lots of grief to spread around and lots of havoc to cause.
"Hello Potty," Draco yanked open the door and glared at his arch nemesis. "I had to spend the entire summer with my mother and aunt because of you . . . do you know what they did?"
"I have an idea," Harry leaned back to rest his head on a rather shapely lap. "I'm the one that loaned them all those books . . . have you been doing the exercises in chapter three of the untitled black book?"
"That was you?" Draco paled for a second then turned red with anger. "How could you have let something like that fall into their hands?"
"After reading the description of what those exercises will do?" Harry asked incredulously, "how could I not."
"Fight me," Draco demanded.
"I don't think Ron would like it if I roughed up his girl," Harry waved the boy . . . make that girl off. "But I'm sure that you'll be able to find someone to rough you up so that Ron can prove what a good boyfriend he is by beating them up."
"Arrrg," Draco stormed off.
"Harry that's mean," Hermione scolded. "What did Ron do to you?"
"He snores," Harry frowned. "And I had to put up with it through the first time around . . . he should be happy that I still consider him a friend and have decided not to do any of the nastier things I had planned."
Draco stormed out of the compartment and found another to sulk in . . . what was he going to do? How was he going to deal with this? Suddenly Draco's shoulders straightened, father . . . he could write to his father and everything would go back to the way it was before . . . or, better yet . . . everything would go back to better than it was before.
IIIIIIIIII
Lucius looked up from his desk as a large regal owl flew into the window and fell to the ground. Opening the window, he summoned the creature with a well placed summon and pulled the note off its leg.
"WHAT?" The head of the Malfoy family's eyes shot up as he read Draco's letter, "oh . . . that's a relief. I thought it said Wesley, looks like Draco spelled Weasley wrong . . . for a second there I was worried that he . . . she was going to marry a non pureblood. Well, back to my plans and nefarious deeds."
Lucius tossed the dead owl into the conveniently placed owl disposal unit and closed the window. "Hmmm, maybe I could enchant some sort of towel to become alive . . . and . . . have it make the Potter boy smoke something hmmm."
His musings were cut short by another owl ending it's life on the regularly cleaned window.
"What is it now," Lucius summoned the owl and removed the note . . . again. "Draco again?"
Lucius pulled out a piece of parchment and began writing.
Dear Draco,
I would like you to stop writing me, the constant sound of owls crashing into my window is starting to interrupt my thought process. I understand that you are unhappy at your mother's choice of a potential husband for her new daughter and the fact that your aunt saw fit to change you into a girl. I would like to point out that tradition demands that the mother be responsible for determining the matches in a family and the fact that I sold your mother into a harem does not change that fact. I realise that you might be worried that your betrothed has no means to support you, he is a Weasley after all. If this is a concern then I bid you to set your mind at ease as I have already arranged a rather substantial dowry and you need not worry about sinking into poverty.
Your father
Lucius Malfoy
Tossing the dead owl onto the pile, Lucius looked over his letter in approval. "She needs to learn that tradition is more important than her silly wish to be turned back into a boy and given a harem."
Sealing the envelope, Lucius tied it to the leg of his owl and sent it on to take the message to his son . . . make that daughter.
Minutes later, Draco's anguished scream woke up all of Hogwarts.
IIIIIIIIII
"Sirius," Harry swallowed.
"Yes Harry," Sirius looked up.
"Just why are you so afraid of my mother?" Harry blinked, "and why are you still listening to what she's ordered you to do even after she's dead?"
"You know that spell you used on Wormtail?" Sirius shuddered, "she invented that . . . and many many more, let's just say that she got inventive when she was angry and she had a redhead's temper. . . make that a very intense horrible and absolutely insane red head's temper. Be happy that she was quick to calm or you'd have never been born."
"Oh . . . that still doesn't explain why you still listen to her," Harry pointed out.
"She was always threatening to train a house elf and have it keep an eye on me," Sirius glanced around nervously. "And I don't know if she ever did it . . . if she did then I lose my boys after I make one wrong move."
"That's not good," Harry glanced around nervously.
"You don't have to worry about it," Sirius blinked away tears. "The elf would have thought you were manly and helped you get your harem."
"So couldn't I just order it not to do anything to you?" Harry perked up.
"No," Sirius shook his head. "It wouldn't listen to you . . . on the plus side, Lily's rules are what got me through prison in such good shape.
"How do you figure that?" Harry's eyebrows shot up.
"Azkaban wasn't so bad after living with Lily's rules for a few years," Sirius shrugged. "And sometimes," he glanced around nervously. "The witch in the cell across from mine would take off her clothes and give me a show . . . granted she was in her nineties but still . . ."
"I did not need to get that mental image," Harry gagged.
"Sorry," Sirius drooped. "But it's the most action I've gotten since I angered your mother that one time."
"Oh," Harry nodded. "Sucks to be you, have a nice night."
"You too Harry," Sirius sighed. "You too."
IIIIIIIIII
"Harry," Dumbledore paused for dramatic effect. "You must compete in the tournament."
"Say what now?" Harry turned away from the giggling French contingent, "the hat didn't even call my name . . . and I'm far too busy recruiting all these French girls into my harem, have someone else do it."
"Um . . ." Dumbledore bit his lower lip, this wasn't the response he was expecting. "Every tournament, one of the Headmasters will appoint an extra competitor and . . . um . . . I'm picking you."
"Screw that," Harry scoffed. "I'm way too busy with my harem, you'll have to do better than that."
"How about I teach you some of my brother's spells," Dumbledore leaned back. "They're quite powerful."
"I don't need goats," Harry shook his head. "I've got a harem . . . of girls."
"I see," the Headmaster looked around. "Would you like Professor Snape to join this harem of yours?"
"NO," Harry had to suppress his gag reflex. "Where are you getting these ideas?"
"Just winging it," the Headmaster admitted with a frown. "I've been far too busy convincing people that the figure molesting the dark mark was my brother."
"You mean it wasn't?" Harry called out in false shock, "hey everyone the pervert was the headmaster after all."
"Moving right along," the Headmaster had to raise his voice to drown out the sound of vomiting that Harry's bringing the image back into everyone's mind had caused. "I've . . . got an idea."
"What's that?" Harry smirked, "you gonna offer to memory charm everyone to forget the image of you and the dark mark? Then offer me all the money you make from charging people large amounts to perform the afore mentioned charms?"
"Yes?" Dumbledore shrugged, it was much better than his idea . . . now he got to keep the lemon drop flavored socks."
"You'll have to pay me quite a bit," Harry's smirk grew. "I've got a rather large harem to support."
"I think you'll find my offer to be quite satisfactory," Dumbledore rubbed his hands together. "And by satisfactory, I mean really big."
"Cool," Harry nodded. Looked like that latest batch of Lemon Drops was doing what they were suppose to do.
And So Harry agreed to compete in the tournament.
IIIIIIIIII
"Sirius," Harry ran up to his godfather. "I've got an idea of how you can check to see if that house elf is following you and waiting to enact my mother's terrible instructions."
"Yes?" Sirius perked up.
"Just break on of the minor rules and see if anything happens," Harry nodded proudly. "If nothing happens then you know that there isn't an evil house elf."
"Oh," Sirius sagged. "I've already thought of that . . . won't work."
"Why not?" Harry couldn't understand it.
"Well for one thing . . . there were no minor rules," Sirius sighed. "And for another, I've already tried that."
"What happened?"
"I was sent to Azkaban for several years," Sirius shrugged. "Not sure if an elf was responsible but it happened the day after got drunk."
"Oh," Harry nodded. "You sure it was a house elf that got you sent to Azkaban?"
"You sure it wasn't?" Sirius countered, "I'd rather live a pale shadow of a life than . . . the alternative."
"I guess," Harry shook his head. "Man Mom was a real sadist."
"She was one of the kindest people I ever knew," Sirius wiped off a tear. "Until the . . . incident, after that . . . well, let's just say that she could keep a grudge better then anyone I ever knew."
IIIIIIIIII
"Don't forget Master," Wormtail simpered. "You promised me some new . . . equipment."
"Yes I know," the Dark Lord's spirit hissed. "Still don't understand why you want them made out of silver."
"It's so I can use it as a weapon against Lupin," Wormtail's eyes shifted. "He'll die by my hand . . . figuratively speaking of course, it won't actually be my hand but rather . . ."
"Silence," the Dark Lord screamed. "I don't want to know about your sick fantasies."
"And can you make it bigger master?" Wormtail asked hopefully, "I want it to really hurt when I . . ."
"I SAID SILENCE," the Dark Lord's spirit was starting to wonder if hell would be so bad . . . couldn't be worse than listening to Wormtail's sick plans.
"Yes master," Wormtail sulked. "But since you won't let me talk about my plans for Lupin . . ."
"What is it Wormtail," he cursed the fact that he couldn't use his favorite spell in this form . . . no, no the crucio wasn't enough punishment for having those evil images implanted into his head . . . he was going to have to invent something more effective.
"Since you won't let me talk about things, then why don't we just skip to the first task?"
"Fine," the dark lord's spirit gave a spectral shrug. "Do it."
IIIIIIIIII
"HOOT," Hedwig vaporised a large piece of ground in front of the rampaging dragon . . . let's just say that the first task wasn't much of a problem and move on to the second task . . .
"How long has he been down there?" McGonagall was worried about the son of her favorite students.
"He's still got time," Dumbledore assured his staff member. "Don't worry."
As if by magic . . . heh heh, get it? Harry appeared with another arm full of girls.
"I thought you said the person I would miss most?" Harry carried them out of the lake and put them with the others, "at this rate I'll be doing this all day."
"When we went to the harem to pick one of the girls . . . well they found out what we were going to do and they all insisted on coming," Dumbledore shrugged. "None of them wanted to be left behind."
"I hate you," Harry sighed and turned back to the lake. "Can't we just say I won and get the others out?"
"We still have to wait for the other two competitors to surface," Dumbledore protested. "After that we can retrive the rest of your harem."
"Fine," Harry dove back into the icy water. At the very least he'd have to rescue Fleur so that she could participate in this event.
And so finally, we skip to the final task.
Harry grabbed the cup and felt the pull of the portkey.
"We've got you now Potter," the Death Eaters rubbed their hands in glee. "There's no escape for you now."
"I don't think so," Harry smiled. "I brought some friends."
"Oh no," most of the death eaters wet themselves in fear. "It's Foamy, Laser Owl, and The Kung Fu Toad."
"And Bad Pie Roody," another death eater exclaimed causing the rest to befoul their own pants. "The most dangerous pastry chef in all the world."
"Ahem," Mad Eye looked around.
"Sorry Moody," one of the death eater shrugged. "But with the crime fighting trio of Foamy, Laser Owl, and The Kung Fu Toad, not to mention your cousin . . . well . . . we're just not worried about you."
"Yeah," one of the death eaters agreed. "It'd be like being trapped in a room with a ravenous blood thirsty killer and a tax man. Normally you'd be worried about the ravenous blood thirsty killer but well . . . when he's around the tax man he just doesn't seem too scary."
"Can we get on with this?" Harry looked at his watch. "I have plans for later."
"Oh, sorry." The death eaters blushed, "now where were we . . . oh right. Ahem . . . oh no, he's brought friends."
"That's right," Harry nodded. "Explisivo Castrado, Explisivo Castrado, Explisivo Castrado, Explisivo Castrado, Explisivo Castrado, Explisivo Castrado, Explisivo Castrado, Explisivo Castrado, Explisivo Castrado, Explisivo Castrado, Explisivo Castrado, and Explisivo Castrado."
"HOOT, HOOT, HOOT, HOOT." Hedwig optic blasted several death eaters.
"Croak," Trevor gave a mighty war cry as he threw himself into battle.
"Squeak," Foamy ripped off a death eater's nose.
"Constant Vigilance"
"Constant Flatulence"
Moody and Roody added their own . . . unique war cries.
After killing . . . or worse most of the death eaters, Harry and his posse grabbed the cup and returned to Hogwarts.
"What has happened Harry?" Dumbledore smirked, everything was going according to plan.
"That fourth task was amazing," Harry replied with enthusiasm.
"Fourth Task?" Dumbledore had a sinking feeling that everything was not going according to plan.
"You know," Harry smirked. "The one where you drop me off in an abandoned cemetery where I kill a bunch of death eaters . . . it was great."
"So nothing bad happened?" Dumbledore was starting to sweat.
"Like what?" Harry looked up innocently.
"Like . . . well I don't know," Dumbledore scratched his beard. "Voldemort getting a new body?"
"Nope," Harry shook his head. "Nothing like that happened."
"Oh . . . carry on then," Dumbledore's shoulders slumped and he began to walk away.
IIIIIIIIII
Later that night, Harry was on his way to his wing of the castle when he became aware that he was being followed.
"Man," Harry shook his head. "What am I going to do with this vial of unwillingly taken blood? I guess I'll just put it here . . . hope no one finds it . . . I'll bet it could be used in all sorts of evil rituals."
A few feet away and hidden in the shadows, Draco smirked. The dark lord would grant him a handsome reward for this and soon he would be the one with the giant harem . . . and male again, can't forget that.
As he walked away, Harry just wondered what effect a bunch of willingly given tabasco sauce would have on the ritual.
IIIIIIIIII
"What's happened to me?" The Dark Lord looked at his new form in horror, "who is responsible for this?"
The surrounding death eaters covered their noses and fought hard to keep from gagging, the most feared dark lord of the time was a giant log of . . . human waste.
"Don't take this the wrong way Master," one of the death eaters spoke up. "But I'm not going to be kissing the hem of your robe."
"No . . . no I suppose not," the dark log looked down at himself. "To be quite frank I was never into this sort of thing."
"I'll kiss your robe master," another death eater spoke up he was into that sort of thing.
"I see," the dark log had to hold down a stream of . . . well, in a normal human it would be called vomit. Not sure what it would be in this case and I would rather not speculate. "Kill him . . . any new business?"
"No master," the death eaters shook their heads.
"WHAT?" The dark log's . . . eyes. . . how should I put this? I guess I should say . . . maybe that they became dark and angry, "CRUCIO . . . of course there's new business you fools."
"What is it master?" One of the cowering death eaters asked nervously.
"Changing me to a form better then this," the dark log shook his head . . . maybe that book was right and it wasn't such a good idea to kill off all of his intelligent minions.