Disclaimer: I am fairly sure that it is illegal to put necked pictures of Fudge in a newspaper and if it isn't it damn well should be. Now I'm as much in favor of freedom of the press as the next guy but I think there's a point that this sort of thing goes too far, I mean . . . it's Fudge. What kind of sickos are you people that you'd let innocent people look at pictures of Fudge? Let alone pictures of Fudge without any clothing. This has been a public service announcement.

That's Icky

"I've got the strangest feeling that I'm forgetting something," Harry scratched his chin. "Let's see . . . built up giant harem, made everyone's life a living hell . . . made a lot of money . . . hmmm."

"Well . . . you killed that Basilisk?" Hermione asked, "Did you ever get around to making even more gold with your philosopher's stone?"

"No and yes," Harry nodded. "That's it, thanks Hermione."

"Wait," Hermione's nose wrinkled. "I thought you used some sort of spell that shot soup out its nose."

"Yep," Harry nodded. "I thought that would do it but I guess that the snake was too tough for that spell and I'm going to have to go take care of it now, and this time I'm going to do it the way I did it before and should have done it the last before . . . thanks again."

"No problem," Hermione stretched out. "Why don't you go kill it now, you deserve a break after what you did."

"I'll go get Fawks," Harry nodded.

"Bye Harry," Hermione watched as Harry disentangled himself from the arms of several dozen sleeping girls.

Taking care not to wake them, Harry stepped over several dozen more sleeping girls on his way out of the room.

"I was afraid that I was going to wake them," Harry gave a relieved sigh and began walking towards the girl's toilet. "I'm sure that Fawks and the hat will just magically appear when I need them, thus sparing me the trouble of having to go to the Headmaster's office."

It took Harry several minutes to reach the girls toilet and Fawks was waiting for him when he arrived.

"Sorry I'm late," Harry blushed. "But one of the girls that was about to graduate wanted to join my Harem before she lost the chance . . . and . . . well . . ."

The phoenix gave a mournful chirp, no . . . he didn't know.

"Well," Harry shrugged. "I'm sure you'll find someone."

Fawks gave another chirp.

"Yes I understand how hanging around the Headmaster would cramp your style," Harry patted the phoenix on the head. "How about if you and I go out and find some chicks after this?"

The phoenix gave an angry chirp and glared at Harry.

"Not that kind of chicks," Harry smiled. "It's slang for hot girls, I'm suggesting that we go get some action."

The phoenix paused for a moment and then gave a slow nod.

"Cool," Harry grabbed the hat and pulled out the sword. "Let's do this thing."

The ride down the sink and the walk to the chamber were mostly the same, but when the Basilisk appeared . . . well . . . that's when things started to get weird.

"Yeah Fawks kick his butt," Harry cheered. "Wait that's . . . oh god . . . I'll just . . . I'll just leave you two alone then."

Harry turned pale and walked back to his wing of the castle.

"Did you kill the Basilisk?" The girls all gathered round, eager to hear of his great exploits.

"I don't want to talk about it," Harry closed his eyes. "I poured water in my eyes but they won't get clean."

"Poor baby," the girls cuddled Harry. "Tell us all about it."

Fawks wasn't seen for two days, to Harry's great relief and to several other people's great worry. When he did show up again, it was in Harry's wing of the castle and clutched in his talons was a large basket filled with eggs.

"What have you got there?" The girls all clustered around the basket.

"Crimes against nature," Harry muttered.

"Are these for us?" The girls squealed with delight as Fawks presented each one of them with an egg. "Thank you Fawks."

The phoenix gave one more happy chirp before making his exit in a ball of flame.

"This one's starting to hatch," one of the girls cried out.

"Mine too," Hermione smiled. "They're all hatching."

"It's so cute," one of the girls cuddled her Basilisk Phoenix crossbreed. "What is it?"

"I've never read of anything like it," Hermione agreed as she cuddled one of the adorable crimes against nature. "What is it Harry?"

"All I'm going to say is that the Basilisk was female and Fawks was lonely," Harry shuddered.

"But . . ."

"ALL I'M GOING TO SAY," Harry shouted out and suppressed his memory of the event . . . and his gag reflex.

IIIIIIIIII

"Wormtail," the dark log looked around. "Where are you?"

"He bled to death my lord," one of the braver death eaters spoke up.

"Right," the dark log nodded. "Forgot about that . . . well, get him some silver . . . equipment and toss him in a shallow grave. Never let it be said that Voldemort doesn't keep his word."

"As you say my log," the death eater agreed. "May I steal the silver . . . equipment after I toss him in the shallow grave?"

"Why not," the dark log was much mellower than the dark lord had been. "I said he could have them and not that he could keep them . . . and I want ten percent."

"As you say my log," the death eater bowed.

IIIIIIIIII

"Luna," Harry smiled at one of the many girls in his harem.

"Yes Harry?" Luna blinked.

"You know all those strange creatures that you've been searching for?"

"Yes?" Luna nodded.

"Did you ever think to check the old pure blood libraries?" Harry smiled, "I'd think that they'd have all sorts of rare books and they might even have a reference that you can use."

"Thank you Harry," Luna smiled. "That suggestion may very well be all we need to embark on a program of research that will eventually lead to uncovering the truth."

"Glad I could help," Harry smiled. "Just tell me if you want a look at any Potter books, and I'm sure that Sirius would let you look at any books in the Black library."

"Thank you Harry," Luna nodded. "That will be very helpful."

Dear Father,

Harry has just given me the most wonderful idea. He suggested that we look through the old private library to find any references to the things that we are looking for. He has already offered the use of the Potter and Black library.

Your loving daughter

Luna

IIIIIIIIII

"Yes?" Lucius Malfoy answered his door with a scowl. "What is it?"

"I was hoping that I could get a look at your library," the Head of the Lovegood clan answered with a smile."

"No," Lucius slammed the door . . . he really needed to get a new house elf.

"Oh dear," Lovegood shook his head. "My little Luna will be so disappointed . . . unless."

Three minutes later the Malfoy mansion was burning, the Lovegood library had tripled in size, and Lucius learned why it is never a good idea to tell a dangerously insane ex unspeakable that he can't have something that will make his daughter happy.

Let's just call it a learning experience, and Lucy proved that he was a great businessman by turning his misfortune into a source of profit by selling the information about why mansions were suffering mysterious fires. As a side note, though the Lovegood library became the largest private library in wizarding England, no mention of any of the creatures that the Lovegood family was looking for. The original plan was to return the books to their proper owners . . . until Hermione found out about them. Let's just say that not even dangerously insane ex-unspeakables were stupid enough to get between Hermione and her dream of owning the largest private library in England.

IIIIIIIIII

Back in Harry's wing of the castle, Crookshanks watched the unbeatable trio of Foamy, Laser Owl, and the Kung Fu Toad rush off into another exciting adventure. For a few moments, he entertained the idea of joining their team . . . the addition of his amazing powers would make them unbeatable and evil would tremble at their approach. Then he realised that there wasn't any money in it, he then entertained the idea of becoming their arch nemesis . . . the world would shake and his bank account would grow. He then remembered that he was a cat, being a super criminal would really cut into his nap time . . . and with that, Crookshanks went back to sleep.

"There you are," Hermione lifted the large feline. "Mummy missed you so much, let's get you some yummy tuna."

Yep, Crookshanks mused to himself. Why in the hell should I become a Super Hero or Super Criminal when I can sleep for twenty three hours a day and have her bring me lots of yummy tuna? It just doesn't make sense.

"And after that," Hermione continued. "I'll brush you and give you some cream."

"Don't take too long," one of the other girls spoke up. "The scene on the train where Harry decides what to do this summer is coming up."

"I'll have plenty of time," Hermione smiled. "I've still got that time turner that hasn't been mentioned until now."

"Have fun then," the other girl went back to brushing her hair.

IIIIIIIIII

"Well," Harry and his group of girls took over a train car on their way back to the station. "I just won a big trophy and a bunch of money . . . what should I do this summer?"

"Don't forget about the horrible crime against nature you witnessed in the Chamber of Secrets," Luna spoke up.

"Oh god," Harry's eyes squeezed shut and his stomach rebelled. "Why did you have to remind me of that."

"Because you look so cute when you're about to vomit," Luna gave a dreamy smile.

"You haven't framed your cousin and uncle for any crimes lately have you?" Hermione asked with a smile, "and I don't recall you getting your revenge on Fudge."

"I could do that," Harry gave a slow nod.

"And we have the perfect idea on how to start," Hermione smiled.

"Oh?" Harry raised an eyebrow.

"We were feeling kind of left out," the girls blushed.

"Well . . . what do you suggest?"

"We placed an add in teen witch," Luna gave an evil smile. "With a picture of Fudge without any clothes on."

"I think I'm gonna be sick again," Harry paled.

"Oh goody," Luna perked up.

"And I know I'm gonna regret asking . . . how did you get pictures of Fudge sans clothing?"

"We asked Bella for one of her copies," another girl replied. "She has blackmail material on everyone."

"Oh," Harry did not want to hear anything more. "What else have you done so far?"

"Well," Luna began. "We took out a full page add and wrote a little caption below it . . . actually, it was mummy that wrote it."

"What did she write?"

"She wrote that he was looking for a soul mate . . . or a group of soul mates," Luna smirked. "Turn ons include . . ."

"Embezzling ministry funds," Hermione cut in.

"Concealing things from the public," Ginny smiled.

"And a public that's willing to think for themselves," Luna finished. "Turn offs include . . ."

"Dark Lords," Hermione smirked.

"Telling the truth," Ginny smiled.

"And any woman that is considered attractive by the narrow minded patriarchal society that we currently live in due to my refusal to follow established patterns," Luna finished.

"Luna's mother came up with that last line," Hermione explained.

"Mummy wanted to thank you for saving her," Luna gave Harry a peck on the cheek. "I hate to think of what would have happened to me and daddy without her around to keep things from being too dull."

"Glad I could Help," Harry blinked. "Well, I guess I could frame the Dursleys for a few more crimes."

"We did that too," Hermione shrugged. "Like I said . . .we didn't have much to do."

"What did you do to them?"

"I found a finger print charm in the library," Hermione's smile turned evil. "It lets me replicate any print on anything."

"Where did you get the prints?" Harry was starting to think that the whole Harem idea was showing unexpected benefits.

"My dad's a policeman," another girl spole up.

"Oh . . . procede."

"Well," Hermione smiled. "Let's just say that Luna's parents haven't finished thanking you."

"Mummy does a lot of traveling," Luna perked up again. "As a reporter she visits muggle crime scenes . . . the Dursleys are now connected to several failed robberies and the theft of several statues in Nigeria."

"Oh . . . you haven't done anything to Dumbledore yet have you?" Harry was starting to worry that he'd have to go back over his revenge list.

"Not yet," Hermione shook her head.

"Send him an invitation to a party I'm having next week," Harry smirked. "And be sure to have the press attend."

"You hate the press?" Luna's eyebrows came together, "you're always saying that they're a bunch of idiots and that if they had any kind of ability they'd be able to get jobs as sewage transporters."

"They have their uses," Harry shrugged. "And you do know that I wasn't talking about you or your family when I said that don't you?"

"Yes," Luna nodded. "We're a respectable bunch of Journalists . . . not the hack tabloid reporters that you were talking about."

"Good," Harry rubbed his hands together. "Bwahahahahahaha."

"Bwahahahahahaha," Luna joined in.

"Why are you laughing evilly like that?" Hermione interrupted the fun.

"Because it's fun," Luna replied. "All together now."

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA."

AN: I made the Basilisk female so I could make the little crimes against nature. If I had made the Basilisk male then you would have had to read several bad 'flaming' puns.