Disclaimer: Neville is not planning to become a dark lord . . . or maybe that's just what he wants you to think.

The Rise of Orion

"Well," Harry said leaning back in his seat on the Hogwarts express. "That sure was an eventful summer."

"Yeah," one of the girls agreed. "You destroyed all the dark lords whore thingys and had lots of adventures."

"Not to mention adding several girls to your harem," Hermione added. "All those foreign kings kept insisting that you take their attractive daughters and younger sisters."

"Yeah," Harry nodded. "That was kinda strange . . . ah well, what do you think we should do this year?"

Everyone looked up as Draco's two thugs walked into the compartment.

"Um . . ." Crabbe frowned. "We're supposed to . . ."

"Um . . ." Goyle looked confused. "I forget . . . "

"Ok," Harry said with a shrug. "Say . . . I haven't gotten vengeance on the two of you for anything have I?"

Crabbe and Goyle both looked stumped by that question, "vengeance?"

"Forget it," Harry waved them off. "It wouldn't be any fun to get it on anyone as dumb as you two."

"Ok." The two . . . slow boys walked out of the room.

"That was strange," Hermione said as the door to the compartment closed.

"Yeah," Harry agreed.

Harry and the Harem spent several more minutes . . . talking, till they were once again interrupted by the door opening.

"Potter," a group of random Seventh year boys blocked the door. "We want to have a word with you."

"What do you need?" Harry didn't even bother to lift his head from one of the girl's lap.

"You're hogging all the girls that Longbottom doesn't have," the boy replied with a voice full of menace. "I think that's going to chance . . . or else."

"Or else what?" Harry closed his eyes and let the girl stroke his hair.

"Or else you're going to get hurt," the boy replied evilly.

"First of all, why are you threatening me and not Neville?" Harry was giddy with the chance to get revenge on some people that he hadn't gotten revenge on yet.

"Because he has Bellatrix Lestrange as a mother figure," the boy snorted. "And a pair of Aurors as parents."

"Ah," Harry smiled. "Second, did you stop to think that with my harem of girls which includes Bella that I outnumber you?"

"Bellatrix Lestrange is in your harem?" The boys were contemplating the merits of wetting themselves.

"It's Bellatrix Black," Harry's voice turned evil. "Tell me . . . have any of you ever been beaten to within an inch of your life and then thrown off a moving train?"

IIIIIIIIII

"Mr. Potter," McGonagall began sternly. "You wouldn't happen to know anything about the fact that several students were beaten severely and thrown off the train would you?"

"Why do you ask?" Harry asked innocently, "now if you'll excuse us we really have to be going to my wing of the castle."

"What?" McGonagall hadn't expected that response, "why?"

"Well, what with the headmaster being evil and all." Harry had to work hard to resist the urge to giggle, "I just don't feel safe being in the great hall with him."

"Oh . . ." McGonagall replied dumbly.

"So I've set up a candlelit dinner for me and my harem," Harry continued. "It puts us out of reach of the evil Dumbdoor and lets us work on our relationship."

"I . . . see."

"Later Professor," Harry called over his shoulder as he led his harem down to their wing of the castle.

The meal was incredibly romantic and afterwards, Harry put his head in one of the girl's laps while another fed him pealed grapes.

"There's something odd here," Harry mused aloud.

"What is it Harry?" One of the girls asked.

"I've put my head on every lap enough times to become -ahem- intimately familiar with them." Harry grinned.

"So?"

"So I don't recognise this lap . . . who are you?"

"Oh darn," the strange girl replied with a pout. "I was hoping you wouldn't notice."

"Every one of my girls is special and unique," Harry said with a grin.

"I'm Hogwarts," the strange girl said slowly. "A human embodiment of the spirit of the castle."

"Oh," Harry closed his eyes and relaxed again. "That explains everything."

"So you're not going to make me leave?" The castle asked suspiciously.

"Nope," Harry replied looking up at her large, healthy . . . face. "Why would I do that?"

"Some guys might find it a bit odd to have a castle as a member of their harem," Hogwarts spoke.

"Some guys are idiots that get turned into girls and engaged to Ron." Harry grinned, "which reminds me . . . did anyone think to turn those guys on the train into girls?"

"I did," Bella called out. "But since I was all tied up and gagged in your trunk at the time . . ."

"You're the one that keeps asking us to do that to you," Harry retorted.

"I know." Bella nodded, "if you don't mind I'll turn them into girls later today and put them in my little Orion's harem."

"Whatever makes you happy," Harry agreed.

"I still can't believe that you're so accepting of this," Hogwarts said with a grin. "You're really just going to let me into your harem like that."

"Sure," Harry nodded. "Welcome to the harem . . . I don't suppose anyone needs to arrange a room for you in this wing do they?"

"No." Hogwarts shook her head, "I can do that part myself."

"Wonderful"

IIIIIIIIII

"Master," one of the death eaters said quietly.

"What is it?" The Dark Log demanded.

"Has anyone thought to use a cleaning charm on you?"

"No . . . do it now or suffer a painful death." Voldemort demanded.

"Yes Master," the death eater agreed. The death eaters all cast the spell and Voldelog began to loose mass, he got smaller and smaller until he was just a body part.

"Where did that come from?" One of the death eaters asked, "and how did our master turn into it?"

"It's what Wormtail cut off in the ritual," another death eaters replied. "I'd recognise it anywhere."

"What?" Several of the surrounding death eaters began to back away.

"I'm the guy that lost the coin toss and had to make the new silver equipment," the death eater replied. "He wanted it to look the same and be twice the size."

"So . . . twice the size would be . . . . about four inches?"

"Three and a half."

"What have you fools done to me?" The dark member squeaked, "I'll have your heads for this."

"You know," one of the death eaters began. "I'm starting to doubt my choice of becoming a death eater."

A chorus of agreement filled the room.

"Why don't we mail him to Dumbledore and then hit the employment office?" The death eater continued, "I hear that they still have jobs open in the exciting world of food service."

"You guys go ahead," one of the younger death eaters said quietly. "I should probably be getting back to Uni anyway."

"What?" The other death eaters looked at the man.

"I'm just an intern," the death eater explained. "Here for a bit of summer credit, class will be starting in a few weeks. "

"You can intern as a death eater?"

"I pissed off the guy in charge of internships," the student replied. "He thought that a few months of getting tortured would be just the thing to straighten me out."

"Oh . . . how the hell did he know about us?"

"I think he did it through the muggle relations office," the student added helpfully.

IIIIIIIIII

Meanwhile, a large swallow had swooped in through the headmaster's window and delivered a large package.

"What's this?" Dumbledore asked himself as he opened a package.

"Curse you old man," the Dark Member squeaked.

"What's happened to you Tom?" Dumbledore shook his head sadly, "I expected you to go out in an epic battle. You know, something that would leave thousands dead on both sides before the hero finally emerged and cast you down?"

"I only had a dozen followers," the Dark Member protested. "How in the hell was I supposed to have enough people to leave thousands dead?"

"I've been transfiguring bits of leftover food into corpses for the last few years in my spare time," Dumbledore explained. The old man reached into his desk and pulled out a jar. He then lifted up the package and let the dark member fall into his new home. "I'm going to have to rethink things, I'm not sure I can have you as the antagonist if this is the way you end up. It simply won't do to have the feared Dark Lord be a . . . body part. Now I was willing to let things go before, Severus told me what form you took in your rebirth and I said to myself why not? Why shouldn't the evil dark lord be a disgusting mass of human waste? After a while I figured that it could be turned to my advantage, you know when the books come out . . . now? Now I just don't know anymore."

"At least put me in with the porn," the Dark Member begged.

"No . . . no I don't think I'll be doing that. I mean, that is to say . . .I don't have any porn."

"Albus," the strange conversation was interrupted by McGonagall's knock on the door. "May I speak with you."

"Certainly," Dumbledore called out. "Come in Minerva."

"Albus I . . . what do you have in that jar?" Minerva had to resist the urge to vomit when she noticed the Headmaster's newest paperweight.

"That?" Dumbledore glanced down at the Dark Member's jar. "That's Tom."

"Why don't we just pretend that I was never here?" McGonagall began inching towards the door, "we can both pretend that I never saw anything."

"Ok," Dumbledore agreed. Looked like time was finally catching up to the old girl, she was starting to act rather odd.

"And in addition to never speaking or thinking about this . . . event." McGonagall continued, "why don't you keep that . . . decoration somewhere else? At least have the decency to remove it when other people are around."

"Good idea Minerva," Dumbledore enthused. "He's much too dangerous to allow free reign of the castle, the chance that he may escape is too great."

"Yes . . . well." McGonagall's mind searched for a way to extract herself from this situation, "I've just got to go and talk to Harry about getting that elixer to make me young again. You know how the boy is, always trying to get more women into his harem."

"Yes goodbye Minerva." Dumbledore shook his head sadly, some people would do anything to regain their youth . . . even join Harry's Harem.

IIIIIIIIII

"Hello," Harry greeted the severely beaten seventh years that had bothered him on the train. "I wouldn't normally do this but I figured that we were even."

"What do you mean even?" One of the boys growled.

"Well . . . you annoyed me, I had you severely beaten and thrown off a moving train." Harry replied, "and I want you to know that I'm only giving you this warning because of the guy code."

"Warning us of what?"

"Bella is planning to turn you all into girls so you can be in Neville's harem, I figured that I wasn't angry with Neville for any reason and since we were even . . ."

"Thanks Potter." The boys nearly wet themselves in fear, "we won't forget this."

"I'd suggest moving to another continent . . . I hear Angola is nice," Harry mused. "Nicer then being turned into a girl and becoming a member of Neville's harem anyway."

"Where's Bellatrix now?"

"Well." Harry checked his watch. "Since it's seven, I'd guess that she's tied to the wall in my quarters and wearing a rubber mask. I've got to be going, I only stepped in on my way to the library . . . good luck."

Harry made his way to the library and walked up the the librarian's desk.

"May I help you?" The woman asked sternly.

"I was looking for books on how to manage a harem," Harry replied. "Some really pervy instruction booklets could be good too."

"Shelves fifteen through twenty in the charms section," the librarian replied slowly.

"Charms section?"

"You need a lot of charm to get a harem," the Librarian replied.

"Ah"

IIIIIIIIII

"Good afternoon Mr. Longbottom," the Headmaster greeted his new hope for a massive battle between good and evil. "And how are you today."

"Fine Professor," Neville replied. "I finally escaped from all those girls. Don't get me wrong, they're nice but sometimes a bloke needs some time to himself. They won't even let me go to the shower alone."

"Yes . . . well." Dumbledore had to suppress a massive surge of jealousy, "I just wanted to give you this pass to the restricted section. Be sure not to abuse it, there is a lot of dark magic to be learned and I would hate to see what happened if it fell into the wrong hands."

"O . . . k," Neville said slowly. "Is there any reason you're giving this to me Professor?"

"None at all," Dumbledore said quickly. "Here . . . have this book, I'm sure you'll find it most interesting."

"How to be a Dark Lord in Twelve Easy Steps?" Neville read the title, "huh?"

"Well . . . I'm sure you have nefarious plans to plot," Dumbledore said quickly. "I'll see you around Lord Orion."

"What?" Neville was becoming sure that someone had put something strange in his food.

AN: Another fic drawing to a close and I was able to get to the end of this one without writing twenty or more chapters . . . I hope. A few more chapters of this and I'll be finished, I may have an idea for a sequel to this, more details at the end of the last chapter.