Hey guys. Sorry for the wait with this chapter.
But while we're here, 400 reviews on this story? That's absolutely insane. Thank you to everyone who reads my work, and who takes the time to leave me a review. I appreciate you all so much, your support means the world to me.
I hope you all enjoy this one! It's kind of heavy from start to finish, but I hope you all still like it.
Chapter Twenty Two
Gabby fiddled with her fingers as her hands rested in her lap, her eyes planted to the ground as she sat there silently. She'd been in here for over five minutes, the short time feeling like an eternity, neither her nor the older man sitting across from her having said a word. She had no idea where to start, or what to say, and that led to the uncomfortable silence filling the room.
After confiding in Matt a few nights ago about what she was going through, the next morning he'd asked her what she wanted to do. They went through many options, but ultimately Gabby decided on Matt's suggestion of speaking to Chaplain Orlovsky. At first, she wasn't sure if she wanted to talk to someone who knew her so well, but after a lot of thought, she decided the best course of action was to go to him. He'd been able to help her through so much in the past; losing Shay and the loss of her and Matt's baby. She felt comfortable confiding in him.
But that didn't mean she knew where to start this conversation. So much had happened in such a short amount of time, and even more had happened since the last time she had spoken to the Chaplain. She wasn't sure what he knew about her departure, if he knew anything about it at all. The unknown of all this made her unsure of where to begin.
Her eyes lifted from the ground towards the door, knowing Matt was just on the other side, waiting for her to finish. Part of her wished he was in here right now, his presence always able to settle her down. When they first arrived, Chaplain thought it better to speak to Gabby first, and then he'd have Matt come in once he knew what was going on. Gabby knew he was doing it to make sure he got the whole truth, that she didn't feel the need to sugarcoat things. She understood it, but Matt knew everything and right now she just wished he was here with her.
"I was a little surprised to see your name pop up on my schedule." Chaplain started when he realized she wasn't going to talk. Even though she hadn't said a word, he knew something was going on with her. This wasn't the same Gabby Dawson he'd known for years. He'd seen her at some of the lowest points in her life, and even then she still had that fire and unmistakable determination in her eyes. But now, it was like that was gone. After only spending a few minutes with her, he could see the change in the woman across from him.
Gabby looked up at him, nodding as she met his eyeline.
"I heard about you being in Puerto Rico." He prompted, hoping to put her more at ease and get her to open up. "Matt told me what you were doing there, it sounds like you were apart of some amazing work."
Furrowing her eyebrows, Gabby finally spoke up. "Matt told you?" She questioned, Chaplain nodding as he placed his hands in his lap. "When?"
"A couple months after you left." He spoke honestly, Gabby putting the dates together in her head.
"So after I told him I leaving for good." She supplemented, the Chaplain slightly nodding in response.
"But clearly that wasn't the case. You're back here now." He spoke softly, hoping his words were enough to move her in the right direction. He'd never force her to talk, but he could see she was barely holding herself together. She had come here for a reason, and he wanted to help her.
"Yeah, I am."
"For good?" He asked, Gabby nodding. "What made you decide to come back?" The question caused an immediate shift in Gabby, her body tensing completely as the words left his mouth. Blowing out a sigh, he leaned forward, sitting on the edge of his seat. "Gabby, I'm not gonna make you talk about anything you don't want to. We can discuss whatever brought you here, or we can talk about something else. Or we don't have to talk at all. Whatever you feel comfortable with."
His words hung in the air for a few seconds, Gabby's eyes darting around the room as she wrung her hands together.
"I'm guessing you know about Matt and I's… separation, then. If you all spoke after I left." She started.
"I know you all had broken up, yes." He clarified, Gabby nodding slowly. "Is he why you came back?"
"Partly, yeah- I just… I missed him so much. I know I'm the one who left, but I didn't go over there intending to stay. I needed space, and time…" She started, glancing up at the Chaplain. "I'm assuming Matt told you about what happened between us before I went over there, everything about us trying to have a baby." Gabby spoke, her thoughts shifting back to that heartbreaking day before she could stop them.
"He told me some. But Gabby, I don't want you focusing on what I do or don't know, just tell me whatever you feel comfortable sharing." He reminded her gently, Gabby taking a deep breath as she nodded.
"Okay." She agreed, wiping her clammy hands against the material of her pants before continuing. "After our fight about that, I knew everything was still too fresh and painful for us to be thinking clearly. We both said things. Things that I knew we couldn't just forget about. We couldn't act like it never happened, but I knew neither of us- or at least I wasn't in a place where I felt like I could deal with it. Not then. So I decided to go to Puerto Rico to get some space and just have a minute to let it sink in... that I can't, or shouldn't, get pregnant. I needed time." She explained quietly.
"I was able to step back from everything for awhile while I was there, and at the time, I loved the work I was doing so much. Being there, helping others, it was helping me heal, in a way. But then my time there was coming to an end, and I was scared. I was scared to come back here and have Matt and I fall right back into where we were. We hadn't gotten anywhere in dealing with what the doctor told us, and how we hurt each other. We were talking, but not much past checking in with each other. I knew neither of us had dealt with the news and our fight… I was afraid it wasn't something we could get past." Her voice faltered, Gabby taking a breath before continuing. "It hurt like hell, deciding to leave him. But I figured that pain would be better than me coming back here and us breaking up anyway, so I decided to stay. But the minute I got back to Puerto Rico, I regretted it."
"Why?" He prodded, thankful they were getting somewhere.
"Because Matt is the most important person in my life. And I lost sight of that. I gave into the fear I had of losing him, to end up making the choice to lose him. I hurt him so much..." She admitted, her voice barely audible. "Both of us wanted to be together, and I recently learned that he was just as scared as I was. But the difference is that I gave up first."
"But it's not really that simple, is it?" He questioned, Gabby remaining silent as a lone tear fought its way down her cheek. "You were scared, and you were hurting. And you might've hurt him, but he hurt you too." He spoke, Gabby eyeing him. "You said yourself, you and Matt hadn't dealt with the news or your fight, and I'm guessing you hadn't really dealt with it yourself either." The look on Gabby's face gave him all the answer he needed. "I understand the regret you have, but you didn't just give up Gabby."
Shrugging softly, Gabby looked away from him, her eyes finding the ground. She hadn't come here with the intention of talking about Matt and what they went through. But she couldn't say she was surprised that the conversation had shifted to him, since their issues are what started this in the first place.
"Maybe, but sometimes it still feels like I did. It was easier to stay in Puerto Rico than to come home, so that's what I did."
"But something must've changed." He spoke, Gabby nodding slowly. She knew she just needed to say it, the words would never come out if she kept thinking over them.
"When I was in Puerto Rico… I was attacked." The Chaplain barely heard her, her voice was so quiet, but she saw the exact moment her words registered. He couldn't hide the look of shock that immediately covered his face, even though he tried to mask it. The look of surprise quickly morphed into one of pity, causing her to avert her eyes. Clearing her throat, she continued telling her story. "A few of these gang members, I'd kind of gotten into it with them on one of our sights, they broke into my home and attacked me."
Her confession hung in the air, Gabby surprisingly feeling like a weight had been lifted from her now that he knew.
"Gabby, I'm…" The Chaplain was at a loss for words, that being the last thing he expected to come out of her mouth. "I'm so sorry that happened to you."
Raising her shoulders softly, she released a slow breath. "It is what it is. But that's why I'm here today, I haven't… I haven't been handling it well." The words tasted bitter as she spoke, an unusual feeling settling in her gut as she heard them leave her mouth. "I thought I was okay, that I had accepted what happened… But things aren't going so well."
"What's been going on?" Chaplain opted to avoid asking for details of her attack, knowing she'd offer whatever she felt comfortable sharing.
"I've had a few panic attacks… sometimes I'll start seeing the attack in my head. I get nervous and anxious sometimes, especially if I'm alone. There doesn't seem to be just one thing that triggers it. The first time I was by myself and that made me anxious, and then it just spiraled. The second time, one of my coworkers ran the ambo into the wall and the noise triggered it." She explained, fiddling with her hands in her lap. "I just want it to stop. I don't want to always be worrying about something happening that might cause me to have a panic attack. I want to be able to move on with my life."
Nodding slowly, the Chaplain released a gentle sigh. "You said you've been seeing the attack in your head?"
"Yeah, like a memory of it will replay in my head. Of them pinning me to the ground, or of them hitting me…" She trailed off, the Chaplain nodding sadly. "And I can't stop it unless I find something to bring me back into where I am. When it happened, I had to rub snow all over my face to make me realize I wasn't back in Puerto Rico." She explained, her voice getting lower as she talked.
"It just- it feels like I don't have a handle on any of it. That I'm not in control of my own reactions to things, and it's scaring me." She spoke, her voice wavering.
"You might not be, Gabby." He responded, closing the notebook in his lap. "You might not have a handle on things right now. And that's okay. But you have to accept that this happened. You can't keep pretending like you're fine and that it wasn't a big deal." He spoke truthfully, more tears clouding her vision as his words sunk in. "Something terrible happened to you, you have to accept that or you'll never get past it."
"But I have accepted it… or I thought I had. I don't know."
"That doubt you have, that tells me you haven't. I'm not saying it'll be a magic fix, that things will get better overnight once you have dealt with your attack. But it won't be like this forever, Gabby. Things will get better." He promised, Gabby holding her bottom lip in between her teeth. "This isn't something that will just go away, but you're doing all the right things. You're getting help, you're confiding in the ones you love," He started, nodding towards the closed door where they knew Matt was waiting on the other side, a small smile falling to Gabby's face as she looked that way, "you're opening up. All of those things are good, and they will help you get past this."
"But I do think you might need more help than I can give you." He told her, Gabby's eyebrows furrowing slightly. "I'm not a doctor, but with the anxiety you've been dealing with, it might be beneficial for you to go see someone who could help you with that. I'm always here to talk you through things, and be a sounding board, but that's about as much as I can help." He reminded her, Gabby nodding.
"Okay."
"I do believe you'll get past this, Gabby. You just might need a little help along the way. But whenever those moments happen, when you feel like you're about to panic or you feel overwhelmed, try and find something to ground you." He advised, leaning forward in his chair. "You said when you had those flashbacks of your attack, you were able to snap out of it with the snow, right?" He asked, Gabby giving him a nod of confirmation. "Well, you can do that with other memories as well. If you feel that start to happen again, try and think of a fond memory. Whether it's something with Matt, or your family. Anything to help you push away the attack."
"I can try, yeah."
"Good." He replied, taking a deep breath before speaking up again. "So, Gabby, I do have one more question… if the attack hadn't happened, do you think you'd be home right now?"
The question left her momentarily stunned, the thought having never crossed her mind until now. It wasn't something she chose to think about since she'd come back, but now she couldn't not think about it.
"I… I- I don't know." She stuttered out, her eyes narrowing in thought. "It's not something that I've ever really considered before."
The Chaplain remained silent as he watched her ponder over his words, them clearly having more of an effect than he intended.
"I had been wanting to come back for awhile. I missed Matt, I missed my family. I hadn't been happy over there for a long time, before the attack and everything happened…"
"But was that enough to make you come home?"
"I don't know. I wanted to come back, I wanted to be here, but I was scared it would only make things worse." She spoke, more to herself than to the Chaplain. "It hadn't been enough up to that point, but by now? I have no idea." She replied, trying to mask her frustration. "All I do know is that after it all happened, the only thing I wanted was Matt. I needed him, I still need him." She admitted softly, "and maybe it wasn't fair to expect him to be there for me after everything, but I knew I couldn't get through this without him. So I came back."
"And I think that's an entirely different part of this whole thing, Gabby." He spoke, seeing her watching him expectantly. "The attack, in a way, gave you your life back." She inhaled sharply, his words taking her by surprise. "It gave you back the life you left behind, the life you still wanted. It gave you Matt back." She bit the inside of her cheek as he spoke, trying to keep her tears at bay. "It might be that this awful thing you experienced is responsible for making you happy again, and that's a hard thing to accept."
A single tear slid down her cheek as his words washed over her, Gabby quickly wiping it away.
"Based on what you've told me, there's a good chance that had the attack not happened, you might still be in Puerto Rico right now. As much as you wanted to come back, as much as you wanted Matt, you hadn't been able to make the choice to come back. Not until this." He continued, Gabby furrowing her eyebrows.
"So you think I should be thankful that those men broke into my home and attacked me? That they beat me, and would've done god knows what else had I not gotten away?" Her voice was dripping in sarcasm as the words left her mouth, Gabby gesturing to the scar on her forehead as she spoke. "You think this was some blessing in disguise?"
"That's not what I'm saying." He replied calmly, seeing her fighting an internal battle with herself. He knew his words had gotten to her, and were causing some of the walls she placed so highly around herself to come down. "I'm saying that it's completely normal and expected for this to be something that's still affecting you. Because it's not a black and white situation. It's not as simple as these men breaking into your home and attacking you. It's about everything that happened before, and everything that happened after too. It's that this awful thing brought you and the man you love back together." More tears slid down her cheeks as he spoke, his words going straight to her heart. "And it's the fact that sometimes you still feel like you don't deserve it, to be here with Matt." He spoke, his words confirmed correct by the look that crossed her face. He knew he was taking a leap, having to read between her words, but from her reaction he knew he'd hit a source of the problem. "And maybe, there's some times that you wonder if you and Matt would've ever ended up back together had this not happened, even if you still chose to come home." He continued, Gabby's eyes filling with more tears, his words holding more truth than he realized. "All I am saying is that there's still a lot to this you haven't dealt with, that you and Matt haven't dealt with. It's not something you can just get over."
Seeing the look on her face, he sighed softly, making sure he had her gaze before speaking again. "I know how much you and Matt love each other Gabby. I've always known it, it's impossible to not see it." Tears continued to roll down her cheeks as she sat there, Gabby not bothering to wipe them away this time. "And there's no way to know what would've happened between you two had this not happened. But the attack is the thing that brought you two back together, it's the reason you're here right now, both of you have to be able to accept that to move on from it."
The two of them sat there in silence for a few moments, the Chaplain giving Gabby the time she needed to gather herself and her thoughts.
"I know there's some truth to what you're saying." She eventually spoke up, her voice quiet. "I know that the attack is the reason Matt and I are where we are right now… I just wish it didn't take something like this happening to make me do something about it, to try and fix the mistakes I'd made. I'd known for a long time that I wasn't happy, that I don't think I could ever be completely happy without him… I just wish I would've fixed it sooner. It shouldn't have taken something like that happening to realize what we gave up."
The Chaplain opened his mouth to speak, but Gabby's quick words cut him off. "And what does that say about me?" She questioned, his face covered in confusion. "What if part of me is thankful that the attack happened? Because it led me and Matt back to each other. What kind of person am I, to be grateful for getting attacked?" She nearly cried, her emotions betraying her.
"It makes you human, Gabby." He replied firmly, hating to see the tears falling down her cheeks. From knowing this woman for years, he could never take pleasure in seeing her so distraught. But they were on their way to a breakthrough. Something was clicking within her, and he couldn't help but be thankful they were making progress. "You're finding the positive out of something that should've been entirely negative. You're not grateful that it happened, but you're grateful for what happened because of it. Those are two entirely different things." He promised, her eyes shining as she took in his words.
"Matt loves you Gabby. He always has, and he always will. And I know you love him, too." He spoke, taking a breath before continuing. "You're allowed to be happy. You're allowed to be thankful to be back together, despite the circumstances. You deserve to be happy with Matt, don't let what happened to you make you think otherwise. The both of you made mistakes, but making a mistake doesn't mean you don't deserve him Gabby." He promised, knowing he was hitting a source of her insecurity. He knew his words could only do so much, but he hoped they helped at least a little. "It doesn't make you a bad person to have something good come from a bad situation, and that's what you and Matt are doing."
The Chaplain watched her for a few moments, trying to gauge where her head was at. He knew he had gotten through to her, and that hopefully meant she was on her way to making some progress. But he knew this wasn't something that could be fixed overnight. "You're allowed to be happy, Gabby. Don't let those men take anything else from you." He reiterated strongly.
Nodding slowly, Gabby wiped away the tears that had settled on her skin, taking a minute to let this all sink in. She wasn't entirely sure how she was feeling right now, but part of her felt a little better. Like this crushing weight on her chest was gone, she felt lighter than she had when she first walked in here.
"Is there anything else you want to talk about?" He questioned after a few minutes, Gabby pondering over his words for a moment before shaking her head. "Alright, let's get Matt in here." He spoke, Gabby nodding as she shifted in her seat. As he walked towards the door, she did her best to make herself more presentable. She knew she couldn't hide that she'd been crying, and she didn't want to, but she didn't want to look like a complete mess either.
"Casey, come on in." Chaplain said as he stood in the now open doorway, Gabby placing her hands in her lap as she waited for him. The minute he stepped through the door, a small smile found its way to her face, Matt mimicking her action as he walked towards her. The smile on his face soon morphed into a frown as he got closer, seeing her red and glassy eyes staring back at him.
"You okay?" He questioned softly as he got to her, sitting down beside her on the couch.
"I am." She spoke honestly, Matt's eyes flickering over her face in worry before he settled on her eyes. "I feel a little better."
"Good." He replied, wrapping his arm around her shoulders in a quick hug as he leaned forward to place a kiss to her forehead. The two settled into the couch, Gabby holding onto his hand in her lap as the Chaplain sat back down across from them.
"So, we definitely made some progress today. I am gonna give you the information about that doctor to help with your anxiety, Gabby." He spoke, Matt's eyes flashing towards her. "She's a great person, I think she'll be able to help you." She nodded, squeezing Matt's hand slightly.
Shifting his body slightly, the Chaplain had his gaze trained on Matt, the firefighter looking back at him curiously. "Now I do have a question for you, Casey." He prompted, Matt raising his eyebrows. "Gabby and I talked a little bit about it, but I think she needs to know where you are with this."
"Okay." Matt responded, not sure what to expect. But he could feel Gabby's nerves radiating off her body, clearly knowing what was about to be asked.
"Had the attack not happened, do you think you and Gabby would be together right now?"
Similar to Gabby's reaction, the question stunned him for a second. Matt had gone silent, holding his tongue between his teeth as he thought through how he wanted to answer this. "Truthfully, I don't know." He breathed out, glancing quickly to Gabby to see how she would react. But he didn't get much from her. "I never thought us getting back together was a possibility, but then everything happened and she came back." Matt was working through his thoughts out loud, figuring that best than to bottle up what he was thinking and feeling. "I don't know if we would've been able to work things out, had she not showed up at our apartment. But what I do know is that I would've wanted us to." He responded, before turning to face her. "I never stopped loving you or stopped wanting to be with you, I just thought it wasn't in the cards for us, anymore."
"So you don't think we're only together right now because of the attack?" She questioned almost immediately. Gabby wasn't naive enough to think that the only reason Matt was with her was out of pity. She knew that wasn't what their relationship was, that he only got back together with her because he felt sorry for her. But ever since the Chaplain brought it up, she couldn't stop thinking about it. How they owed the reconciliation of their relationship to this terrible thing that happened to her.
Matt waited a moment to answer, knowing he needed to choose his words carefully. He wanted to make sure he communicated how he was feeling, and he didn't want to leave any room for doubt in Gabby's mind. "All I do know is that I'm grateful to have you here right now. I thank God every day that we found our way back to each other. I think that we were given a second chance at our life together, despite the reasons for you coming back." He breathed out, Gabby nodding with a sad smile, "I don't know, maybe we wouldn't have found our way back to each other if not for what happened in Puerto Rico, or maybe it would've taken us longer. I hope we would've still gotten back together. All I can tell you for certain is that I know we belong together, and I'll never stop being thankful that you came back to me." Matt's voice faltered towards the end of his sentence, the emotion in his voice betraying him. He felt Gabby squeeze his hand, her eyes holding unshed tears as he took a deep breath.
"But I'll never sit here and be grateful for what happened to you. No matter what it might've meant for us, they'll never be a time when I'm happy you went through that." He spoke, Gabby seeing his eyes watering. "I don't know, I'm probably not explaining this right." He rambled, shaking his head lightly.
"No, no, I get it." She replied with a small, reassuring smile.
"That's what Gabby and I were talking about." The Chaplain supplemented, Gabby and Matt turning away from each other to face him. "You don't have to be happy that it happened, but you can be happy that something good came from it."
Matt nodded slowly, taking a deep breath as he glanced back towards Gabby. Seeing the look on his face, Gabby chuckled softly, Matt looking at her curiously. "What's so funny?" He asked, not able to stop the smile on that rose on his face.
"Nothing, it's just- that question really threw me, too." She admitted, Matt shaking his head lightly before they turned their attention back to the Chaplain.
"Now, I know this has been a lot for one day so I'm gonna let you guys go. You both know I'm always here if you need someone to talk to, about anything." He started, the couple nodding. "But there are some things I need you to do for me. Gabby, any time you're feeling even the slightest bit anxious, you need to talk about it. Whether it's to Matt, or your brother. Or even me, you can't bottle this stuff up. You'll never get past this otherwise." She nodded in understanding, before the Chaplain's eyes moved to Casey. "And Matt, I'm sure I don't even need to tell you this, but you need to make sure she can come to you. That you're there for her. You're both gonna need each other."
"Of course." Matt spoke without missing a beat.
"Yeah, I didn't suspect that would be a problem, but I just want us all on the same page. And Gabby, I'm not even talking about just things with the attack. It could be anything. Whether it's work, or it's about the things that happened before you left," Gabby felt Matt tense for a split second by her side, knowing they were both thinking about the same thing. And about how they hadn't yet talked about it. "It doesn't matter what it is, if it has you feeling overwhelmed or anxious, I want you to talk to someone."
"I will." She promised.
"I know you're strong, Gabby. You might be the strongest person I know. But you're not gonna be able to get through this alone. You're gonna get past this, I know it. But you're gonna have to let people help you." He told her one last time, knowing who he was dealing with. This was Gabriela Dawson, the most independent and self-reliant person he's ever met. He knows how challenging it must've been for her to come ask for help, but he didn't want her thinking she could now work through this on her own. She was gonna need support, and thankfully she had one hell of a support system.
"I know." She looked to Matt as the words left her mouth, seeing him smiling back at her.
"You got this." He spoke firmly. "And I'm gonna be right here the entire time." She nodded in response, leaning into him for a moment, feeling him place a kiss to the side of her head. "I love you." He murmured against her hair, Gabby sure she wouldn't have heard it had it not been for their placement.
"I love you too."
Matt moved around the apartment swiftly as he was trying to get everything in place before Gabby got home. It was Christmas Eve, and Matt wanted tonight to be perfect. He had big plans for this evening, the square jewelry box in his pocket a constant reminder of how important this night was.
He had finished up shift this morning, missing Gabby as she headed off to work, but they'd checked their plans days prior, knowing tonight would be their Christmas celebration since tomorrow would be spent with Antonio and her father. It was rare that Matt, and in the past Gabby, had both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day off, so he wanted to make the most of it. And that started with this dinner.
The week that had passed since their visit to the Chaplain had its share of ups and downs, but thankfully it was mostly ups. Gabby had been extra mindful of talking to him anytime things became too much, and that simple step alone was proving to work wonders. She'd only had one other panic attack since meeting with Chaplain, and thankfully Matt was there when it happened and he was able to help her through it. She'd gone back to the Chaplain's after it happened to talk through it, which seemed to help her. Other than the one episode, he'd noticed a change in her. He wasn't sure if she was aware of it, but he could tell a significant difference in her overall demeanor. She was less on edge, and more of her old self. And he knew the anxiety meds she was taking now weren't hurting either.
After leaving the Chaplain's office, they'd immediately made Gabby an appointment with the doctor he'd recommended. It only took one visit for her to prescribe Gabby some medication to help with what she was going through. Despite her reluctance to take them, he was glad she ultimately decided to use them. It was too early to tell if they were helping, but her doctor assured them that they'd help her in the long run, and that was all Matt cared about.
He had just finished putting the last piece of silverware down on the table when the timer on the stove went off, signaling that their meal was done. He challenged himself a bit with this one, deciding to make arroz con pollo picante. It was the first meal Gabby had ever cooked for him, and even though it wasn't the most difficult, it wasn't what he was used to cooking for them. But he wanted to make it for her, he just hoped it turned out okay.
Glancing into the pot on top of the stove, he stirred the concoction around, tasting a bit of it to see how it was. Satisfied with what he'd prepared, he turned the stove off and covered the pot, wanting to keep it warm until she got here. It wasn't as good as anything Gabby made, but it would do.
His eyes flickered to the clock in front of him, seeing it was half past seven, meaning Gabby would be home any minute now. He knew the commute might take her a little longer with the heavy snow falling outside, but that only gave him extra time to make sure everything was perfect. He carried the covered dish towards the set table, placing it in the middle as he surveyed his work. The apartment was dimly lit, the small Christmas tree illuminating the living room with the help of a few small lamps. He'd gotten everything in place on the table, their meal flanked by a new bottle of wine Matt had picked up after shift this morning.
Checking over his mental list one last time, he noticed the only thing he'd forgotten was to light the candles on the table. Matt made his way through the kitchen, searching through each drawer endlessly trying to find a lighter. Cursing under his breath after his search proved futile, Matt moved to the living room and towards their desk, hoping to find something he could use. Pulling back the chair, he pulled out the top drawer, shuffling through its contents.
He was about to move on to another drawer when something caught his eye, his eyebrows furrowing as his hand moved over the thick folder. Pulling it out from under the rest of the random papers, his breath caught in his throat as he held the file in front of his face.
Matt's body weight collapsed into the chair behind him, the file falling onto the desk as his eyes stayed glued to it. He felt a wave a nausea move through his stomach, almost like the papers sitting there were taunting him. The papers from the day he went to the adoption agency behind Gabby's back. The papers that factored into the downward spiral of their relationship.
He had forgotten all about them, having put them in here the day they got back from that shift, before their final blow up that sent her away. He'd had no reason to go back to them since, the papers ending up buried under stacks of other things. But now they were right in front of his face, and he couldn't ignore them anymore.
Blowing out a defeated sigh, Matt couldn't stop the thousands of thoughts swimming through his mind. He and Gabby had managed to fix the broken pieces they'd made of their relationship since she got back. They had fixed every part but this. He wasn't sure how it happened, that they had skirted around the thing that tore them apart in the first place, but they had. Neither of them had gone near the topic of their issues on trying to have a family. It had crossed Matt's mind multiple times, and had been a constant fixture in his thoughts since Chaplain mentioned it last week, but he hadn't brought it up. And she hadn't either.
Any time they even came close to the subject, the conversation shifted, neither of them ready to dive into the hurt and the pain it would cause. They both knew trudging up those old wounds would be excruciating, and neither one of them wanted to go through that again. But they had to. They couldn't avoid it any longer.
Matt had managed to suppress the events from that day, pushing them to the back of his mind any time they came close to his thoughts. The memories of everything that happened to them, and the words that had been said, it destroyed him. He never dealt with the pain they caused each other, neither of them did. They never dealt with the pain the news itself caused, finding out that Gabby could die if she tried to carry a baby to term. Finding out that she shouldn't bring a child into this world. They never dealt with that blow, the two of them more or less ignoring the magnitude of it as they tried to move forward and find their own solutions. And now his choice of a solution was sitting in front of his face, bringing back memories of one of the most painful days of his life.
Their fight was a result of days of pent up, undealt with emotions that boiled over and caused one of the most heartbreaking days they'd experienced together. It caused days of tiptoeing around the other until she left, both of them putting off dealing with their issues until she returned home. But then there was no return. She wasn't coming back. There was nothing left for them to figure out. So he pushed away every haunting memory until he no longer felt it, until he was numb to it. Because ignoring it was easier than feeling it, knowing it would destroy him over and over again.
But he couldn't do that anymore. He couldn't keep going on like everything had been solved, not when he had his world back. Not when he had everything to lose.
Swallowing the lump that had formed in his dry throat, Matt ran his clammy hands over his legs, feeling the thousand pound weight in his pocket. He hesitantly slid his hand into his pocket, pulling out the small box, staring at it for a few moments as the realization set in.
He couldn't do this, not right now. Not when there was so much uncertainty between them.
They'd worked through so many of their problems, and he was proud of how far they'd come. But their biggest problem they had completely avoided, and none of their progress would matter if they couldn't get past that. None of this meant anything if they couldn't deal with their fallout from that day, and come to a decision about how to expand their family, if they even still wanted to expand their family.
No matter how much he wanted to call Gabby his wife again, he couldn't do it right now. They'd been living in their own little bubble, wanting to believe they'd solved everything when they both knew they hadn't. He couldn't put the added pressure of a proposal on top of everything else. He wouldn't do that to her. There was already a black cloud looming over them, he couldn't make it more complicated with this.
It didn't feel right giving her this ring… not yet. There was too much they had to talk about, too much they couldn't avoid any longer. They couldn't keep going on like everything was fixed between them. He couldn't stomach the thought of giving her this ring before they had talked through everything. Because he couldn't stop the nagging thought making itself present in the back of his mind that this is the exact thing that wrecked them in the first place, who's to say it wouldn't do that to them again. As much as he believed they were in a better place than they had been, he had no way of knowing if that was enough for them to get past it this time.
Inhaling a shaky breath, Matt flipped open the jewelry box, the ring catching in the dim light as Matt stared at it.
One day. One day she would have this ring on her finger and they would be married again. He wholeheartedly believed that. But there were too many discussions that needed to be had before he could give her this. There were too many problems that needed to be solved. He wanted this proposal to be a fresh start, for it to be the next beginning to their story. But that couldn't happen if they didn't deal with what happened. Their fresh start would be doomed from the beginning if they didn't make sure they were on the same page this time.
Keys jingling in the lock on the back door snapped Matt from his thoughts, his eyes widening as he took in the scene in front of him. Snapping the jewelry box closed, his hastily shoved it back into his pocket, hurriedly putting the adoption center papers back into the desk drawer. He'd just managed to get it closed as she walked in, Gabby seeing him sliding the desk chair back in place as he came into view.
"Hey baby." She spoke cheerily, a wide smile on her face as she locked the door, stepping further into the apartment. He took a calming breath, forcing himself to lose some of the tension that had settled in his shoulders as he walked closer to her.
"Hey, how was your shift?" He asked her, Gabby hanging up her jacket after wiping some of the excess snow off her.
"Pretty busy, actually. But good." She replied, her body turning and finding the meal waiting for her. "What's all this?" She asked, stepping closer to the table. Matt followed her path, wrapping his arms around her waist from behind.
"Merry Christmas." He spoke softly in her ear, feeling her smile grow as she leaned into his embrace for a moment.
"You didn't have to do all this." She responded quietly, leaning forward to uncover the dish, wondering what he had prepared. A slight gasp left her lips as she recognized the food immediately, Gabby shifting in his arms to look at him. "You really made that?"
Nodding proudly, a smile fell onto his face. "I found your recipe. I thought it would be a fun surprise. It won't be as good as yours, but-" He was cut off by Gabby placing her lips against his in a slow kiss.
"I love it. I can't wait to try it." She murmured against his lips, giving him another swift kiss before pulling away. "I'm gonna change real quick, I'll be back." She promised, Matt keeping his eyes on her until she disappeared into the bedroom.
His smile faltered slightly once she was out of sight, Matt blowing out a small sigh. His hands moved to slide into his front pockets, his fingers grasping the ring box housed there.
They couldn't put this off any longer, he knew they both were aware of it. They couldn't keep walking on eggshells around something this big. Whatever would come from hashing it out, it needed to be done sooner rather than later.
But when Gabby emerged from their bedroom, the bright smile having never left her face, he knew he couldn't do it right now. He couldn't ruin her Christmas by bringing this up now. After everything they'd gone through this year, after everything that she's gone through, he wanted her to be able to enjoy her Christmas. He wouldn't bring it up tonight, or tomorrow, but he knew it was coming. He knew they needed to talk about everything that happened right before she left, and there'd be no turning back once they did.
I want to apologize for the wait with this chapter. I know I'd been updating pretty solidly every 3-4 days there for a while, I'm sorry this one took a little longer. There's a few reasons for it. First off, I was struggling with writing both of the topics in this chapter. I want to do justice to both of these storylines. Gabby's anxiety and, obviously, the baby storyline are both extremely important parts of this story and I definitely felt the pressure of it when writing this. I didn't want anything to come across as cheap, or like these issues were being glossed over. Even posting this, I'm still a little nervous about how it turned out. There were definitely a lot of rewrites with this chapter.
Secondly, I've been in a weird place with this story for a few weeks now and I'm trying to work through it. I'm feeling a little lost with this, not really from a storyline standpoint, just overall. It's kind of hard to explain, but every time I think of Dawsey I get so sad, and I wonder if there's even a point to me writing this story. And sometimes that feeling channels into me wanting to write more (which is what had been happening the last few updates), but then other times I just can't go near anything with them. And that's kind of what this was. I needed a break, to step away and refocus on why I'm writing this. I felt kind of stuck and frustrated, so I took a few days off and didn't go anywhere near writing. It's just something I'm working my way through. I want to give you all the best chapters I can, and I didn't want to force myself to write because that would've ended badly. I'm sorry you had to wait a little longer for this one, hopefully you thought it was worth it. Thanks for your understanding.
Side note: I'm sure by now you all could've guessed, but I have no idea what the deal with Chaplain Orlovsky is on the show, I just know there's that new Chaplain. But we're gonna ignore all that because I have no idea what the situation is there. Just so we're all on the same page.
I can't wait to hear what you all thought of this chapter, thank you all for taking the time to read my work. I appreciate all of you so much.